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Need advice - Coming to terms & recent LO

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belabored89
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2022 5:52 am
United States of America

Need advice - Coming to terms & recent LO

Post by belabored89 »

First off, this website has been a great resource already and I'm very grateful to be able to engage with this community. I was not even familiar with the term limerence until I began googling resources on love addiction this evening and landed here.

I'm a 32 year old man. I'm a classic serial monogamist who has gone from relationship-to-relationship since I was 18 years old with only several months between each of them. Of those, I would count six of them as serious long-term relationships with the most recent three lasting 3 years each. Through my twenties I began to recognize that my urge for romantic relationships / limerence was unhealthy, ultimately leaving me in relationships where I adapted my wants and needs to my partners standards rather than my own. My last three relationships ended similarly: I became sexually uninterested, depressed and latched onto attention from LOs to make up for the lack of romance and excitement in my relationship and ended up either cheating with my LOs or engaged in non-romantic flings.

I just broke up with my partner of three years last month. Our relationship had been falling apart for the last year but codependent tendencies kept us together despite our constant fighting and lack of intimacy toward the end. Last year, I started to develop romantic feelings for someone in another distant city who is also a member of an activist organization that I am a part of. We had not really personally met but had been brief acquaintances through national events and conferences that we both attended.

She (LO) spoke on a webinar panel / debate last summer that i was listening to through headphones at work and I was really impressed with her contribution. We were already connected through social media and I sent her a DM to tell her how well she did. We slowly began messaging each other which eventually turned into frequent and eventually daily conversations about everything from politics to intimate details of our personal lives. We developed a crush for each other and became close, as much as you can be, through that medium.

As this past December approached we knew that we would be in the same city to work on a campaign together and a large section of the national organization. We were ecstatic to spend time together. I knew where this was heading; I had cheated in other relationships, but I was unhappy and I didn't care where things led with my LO. I tried to be casual and focus on my work for the campaign. After a couple days we went for a walk at a park and got dinner together the next night. It was friendly, innocent and flirtatious.

By chance, we ended up working on the same canvassing assignment my last day in town. She bought me coffee and I figured that we would likely not see each other again but I wanted to be close to her so badly. We ended up going for a long walk in the park, talking for hours and then finally sharing our feelings for each other. I asked her if she would stay at my hotel before I left early the next morning and we slept together.

We shared that we had both been struggling with intimacy issues. She has serious trauma from past sexual experiences / assault and I had been struggling with libido issues in my relationship made worse by antidepressants. We expressed that the intimacy we shared felt mutually healing and when I arrived in my home city the next day she sent me a text thanking me for helping her and sharing that intimacy together. We had discussed leaving everything we shared on the trip, knowing the situation i was in, in my relationship and her being upfront about not feeling ready to be involved in a romantic relationship yet despite her feelings for me.

I broke up with my partner days after returning as soon as we got into a bitter argument. I told my SO that she helped me realize that I can do so much better for myself and that she helped me realize that i needed to leave that toxic relationship. I explained that i did not want to project any expectations onto her but that I did have strong feelings for her. She said the same but reminded me that she is not prepared for taking our friendship to the next level and becoming romantically involved.

Weeks passed and we talked constantly over text. Sending each other cute videos and pictures, and sexting several times, talking loosely about plans to visit each other soon. But one night as we wrapped up sexting, I joked, sending a screenshot of airfare to her city, hinting at the possibility of seeing each other again soon. She explained that the thought of someone coming to visit her alone in a new city was scary to her, and something that she wasn't prepared for - "where would it go, i need to figure out my barriers, I'm not sure where i want to take this between us". Unlike myself, she had only been in one serious relationship toward the end of college (shes 5 years younger than me) and said that she doesn't feel like she is prepared to go there with me.

Our daily conversations slowed down and i tried to give her space, regrettably sending a few flirtatious texts about wanting to hold her and kiss her that were unrequited or met with less excitement. We were both back to work and busy schedules with her taking up a demanding new job and adjusting to living alone in a new city after traveling for work for months on end. I could tell that things were changing between us.

Finally on NYE after exchanging new years messages she said that she is ready for us to be friends again and asked me if a close friendship was something that would be as important to me as to her. I said of course, but reiterated that I had been falling for her for months and was absolutely taken by her on our trip. I told her that I respected her first and foremost as a friend and that I would be able to set my feelings aside in order for us to remain close without overstepping her boundaries. She told me that she didn't want to hurt me but that she she wasn't ready for us to take it to the next level yet.

A few weeks have passed and I've restrained myself from messaging her first. She has initiated conversations with me but it obviously hasn't been as frequent. We'll occasionally have frenzied, long and deep conversations over text that are mutually instigated but without the overt romantic character of our contact immediately after i returned home from the campaign trip. (I should also mention for context, that we primarily communicate via text because she is hard of hearing, but we have had several phone conversations as well. It is just not as accessible for her.)

Now, I go back and forth now from feeling content, to heart broken, to hopeful that we may be in a position in the future where our friendship will develop into a romantic relationship. There is a good chance that we may end up in the same city in the next few years, or end up working on similar assignments again. I find myself looking at her social media page constantly, and have gone as far as to delete a particular app that we used to talk on a lot, requesting that she text me if she'd like to talk - which she has.

Ultimately, she and I both know that we both have a lot to work on. I need to be in a place where i genuinely WANT to be with someone and I am finally content in my adult life with being alone and not desperately trying to comfort myself with cheap relationships that begin with a frenzy of limerence and end up languishing as i realize that i am unhappy and my needs aren't being met.

I recognize now that I treat all of my new romantic partners with the same kind of frenzied limerence and wonder if it may end up proving to be just as shallow with my LO in the end as well.

Despite my awareness of my feelings and our open communication about what we both want I am having a hard time adjusting to being a close friend rather than a romantic partner. Is it wise for me to make this adjustment, with reduced contact or am I only prolonging the heartache? As much as she needs to work on herself in order to become a strong romantic partner, I need to do learn how to be truly content alone with myself before I am in a position to truly decide if I want to be with her or anyone else on a healthy basis for once in my adult life.

It seems like some may suggest going full NC, but I think part of my healing in this journey through dealing with limerence in all of my romantic affairs means that I should be able to slow down a fast moving romance into a close friendship while knowing full-well that it may or may not turn into a romantic relationship later on. I am trying to be very sober about the prospects of that happening or not while also recognizing that we will be working together in the same organization for a significant period of our adult lives.

Ultimately through all of this exposition and rationalizing, I feel like I'm absolutely in love with her but I wonder if its just lingering limerence and the excited rush of our romance. Will she be able to work through the barriers she has to take up a romantic relationship? I don't know. Will she even want to be with me at the end of that process however it plays out in her life? I don't know.

Is it possible / healthy for her and I to remain close friends, stay in touch and keep the door open down the road? or am I just engaging in wishful thinking and daydreaming about a possibility that isn't there? I have been given no reason not to trust her and I pressed her several times to honestly just tell me that she wasn't into me, or didn't feel the same way about me but she has been very consistent that she feels the same but is not prepared to take it any further right now for the sake of working through some of the trauma that she has in her life and the significant geographical distance between us.

My plan for now has been to lower my expectations for regular contact, avoid lurking her social media, and truly begin working on myself for once rather than investing all of my energy into a new relationship. I began seeing a new therapist the other week and expressed that THIS is the big issue that I'm dealing with on top of the depression and ADHD that I am being treated for. I want to live a fulfilling life ALONE so that I can enter a romantic relationship with clear eyes, and make sure that I am not settling for less than what I want from a longterm partner.

I apologize for the length of this post if that is a word limit or a better section of the forum to post this on but it has been necessary and therapeutic for me to journal through my feelings in this way. I would be very grateful for any thoughtful responses. I feel like I am able to finally make a breakthrough in my life on these issues after being stunted by a string of unfulfilling longterm relationships that have set back my own personal development for so long now.

Thank you.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Need advice - Coming to terms & recent LO

Post by Zsababy »

I should preface by saying that I have a crappy track record for relationships die to bipolar so perhaps take my response with a grain of salt although I'm considerably older than you.
Because you have made a good plan on how to step back and give her time to work on her issues which clearly need to be addressed before she enters a relationship, I'd say you're being pretty level-headed considering that you both had a fairly intense sexual/emotional bonding experience. So give yourself credit for that & def avoid pathologizing any of this as a disorder. While you are aware that you have a tendency towards limerance in general, this does not sound like you are clinging to a wishful delusion.
If I am reading this correctly, she has said that she has similar feelings for you but just can't get involved until she has dealt with her assault & trauma issues. That sounds like it has legitimate potential (main factor being if she said she feels the same) but could be a very challenging road as you have strong feelings & will need to work very hard to reign them in.
I think only you know yourself best in terms of knowing how much self-control you have to keep a safe distance while she processes her issues. Only you know if you are willing/capable of handling the risk that it might not work out in the end.
I think as long as you can monitor your feelings & behaviors & keep them in check & stay grounded to protect yourself & not crowd her, I don't think waiting is bad at all. I think you might want to decide for yourself how long you are willing to wait. Maybe even set a rough expiration date; understand that it's possible that she will need a very long time to heal & be ready for it. Obviously, don't tell her this! That would only pressure her, piss her off & drive her away, but you sound like you have basic common sense to know this.
So to recap:
-Ask yourself how much impulse control do you have to limit the frequency & intensity of contact
-Ask yourself if you can keep monitoring yourself while you wait & how capable are you of handling the risk that while it could pay off very beautifully or it could be a long path to ultimately nothing but disappointing heartache. There is no obviously certain outcome apparent to me- it comes down to your capacity to take a big risk & be able to roll with it.
-Ask yourself how long you're willing to wait & how able you are to not pressure her even unconsciously.

I'd spend a fair amount of time weighing those things as you do a lot of introspection & make sure to be completely honest with yourself about your capacities to manage the aforementioned factors.
Peace
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Need advice - Coming to terms & recent LO

Post by Zsababy »

I had another thought: I think the deciding factor is whether or not she's being sincere in saying that the feelings are mutual or if she's just saying that to let you down gently. I think that's the crux of the issue: does she sincerely feel that she's interested or is she just trying to let you down gently.
If it were me, I would point blank ask if there is any interest there. Whenever I get an "I don't know" answer, I move on.
Hard for me just reading this & not knowing either of you if this means sincerely "yes I have feelings but I need time" or just "no but I don't want to hurt you". I think if she's asking you to wait, I think it's fair to openly ask without pressuring her. Just gently, without pressure, ask her if she sincerely means there's potential in the future or if she's just trying to let you down gently. You can reassure her that you can take a no but that you need to have an honest answer.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Need advice - Coming to terms & recent LO

Post by Zsababy »

I lnow I'm going on & on, but another possible outcome while she processes her issues is that she could use you as a support & therapist & then go out with some other guy & you will feel used.
For me, I'm suspicious when they talk a lot about their ex. If their confidences are one-sided, there's your answer- they're looking for free therapy. Consider your conversations carefully & don't assume that confidences automatically mean intimate bonding
chickenlittle
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2022 6:12 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Need advice - Coming to terms & recent LO

Post by chickenlittle »

I have no advice other than to say I am also a serial monogamist who derives intense feelings from LOs and that I am extending compassion across the web to you. I don’t know what the answer is to the problem but I hope maybe we find it.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Need advice - Coming to terms & recent LO

Post by AMA210 »

Hello. Thank you for sharing the experience.

My own LE lasted over five years and there was a lot that I learned, but I will share some important highlights that may help you.

I waited for over three years for the LO to change, to acknowledge, to...and I learned (the hard way) that when we put our own life on hold for someone else, we are actually harming ourselves, as we are not able to enjoy our life.
Waiting just keeps us stuck in the past and worried about the future, which then prevents us from living in the present moment!

IMO, putting such a high expectation on someone else is just unfair, so I have realized that sometimes we are not meant to be with people who we feel love for. Rather, it's more about the lessons and learning that people bring into our lives, and part of that is learning to let them go.
This is very difficult to do (as I have done it).

Wishing you the best outcome. :)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
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