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Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

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JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by JupiterTaco »

mycorona wrote: Wed Jan 27, 2021 1:19 pm Thanks for your input Jupiter.
I do think there is something in my original post that makes sense - at least to me. Glad it made you think about things. We all become good "psychologists" while trying to find out what our LOs lives are like by trying to read their minds!!! And if we're shrewd enough, we can see things there.....
I'm not a psychologist, and have always been far too self-absorbed to think about what an LO's life is like. At this point it's detached information for my own education. (Two of my former LOs are married). Plus the divorce rate kind of speaks for itself IMO.

I remember another situation where after I'd found this forum, there was chemistry between I and a new guy at my new job. He had a girlfriend and hid the fact for some time, but something didn't seem right about the situation so I'd kind of walled him out.

Turned out after meeting her at a party where she talked nonstop from the time they got there until they left, and bragging about being in charge of recent decisions he'd made, that she wore the pants.

There are people in situations like this, and it's nobody's responsibility but themselves. I say that too as someone who has been in and out of trauma bonds. It's nobody's responsibility but mine.

Especially after losing my family and what little I had of a support network after leaving my home state, I've had to understand that if someone is not with you and worse, they're with someone else, it doesn't mean anything. If someone wanted to be with you they would.

Also, I've always been pretty choosey regarding relationships, and even though I tend to think most people do fall in love with their partners, I'd have no respect for the idea of staying with someone until someone better comes along, or settling in major ways.

The fact that much of my family appeared to have done this, and treated their spouses so terribly behind their backs, has really skewed my idea of trust in relationships. I do not feel any hope that I will find someone and I'm okay with that.

I will never date a divorced person with kids, probably would never date a straight person again, and therefore whatever vague feelings I had for that guy twenty-something years ago, are pretty meaningless, aside from that I need to start showing myself the care that he a few times showed me.

Why can't I give it to myself? Why is it still not enough? IDK...
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by mycorona »

Bumping this thread again to see if anyone else might shed some light on these ideas...
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by L-F »

One relationship tenant has proven particularly difficult to grasp: The weaker person usually controls the relationship.

Strong individuals do not feel the need to control others. If you are secure and fully functioning as a person, there is little satisfaction in controlling another friend or loved one. Also, the stronger person has more resources and can always “dial down” to accommodate the other person. You often see it in couples who help each other, the weaker one is supported, and cared for.

The weaker person, however, will not (or cannot) take their game to the next level. They have no game other than to insist that others honour their limitations. When one person has limited resources or an underdeveloped skill set, the only hope for workable resolution is for the stronger person to give in to the wishes, needs, and in many cases, the limitations of the weaker individual.

When you think about egos for a minute, it is easier to get what you want when you play the weaker role (damsel in distress), because this plays directly into the hands of making someone else look stronger, more powerful, more capable. In other words, you're feeding their ego by playing weak.

So a weak LO plays their role well and pretty much stokes the ego fire within... theirs and their partners.

A cunning person knows they can pretty much get what they want by feeding someone's ego.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by mycorona »

A really interesting post L-F. ( ...And I'm not just trying to feed your ego there, lol ;) ). Thanks for your input. I'll reflect on it. Hadn't thought of ego from the angle of playing weak to feed the strong. Hmmmm
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by L-F »

Only in my opinion though! Looking forward to reading other thoughts on the matter.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by JupiterTaco »

L-F hit the nail right on the head. I also think it's also plain easier to play weak than to work for a life and relationship one wants.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
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