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Convinced it will never end

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by L-F »

All the best DB! It's up to you if you decide to look at your past or not. Ultimately, limerence fades so you can always cling to that? And perhaps be mindful the next time you catch yourself falling?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by DreamingBlue »

Thanks Zsababy. I am of course leaving a lot out of it.

I always felt loved. I always felt my needs were met, for the most part. My mother was affectionate to me.
She was never abusive. It was later in life, maybe even post-puberty or so where I didn't find her matching up
all that well to other Moms in terms of intelligence, femininity, or fully-formed personhood.

So I think, from here, I'm projecting backwards, wondering if I experienced "trauma" in some light way because of that, in those years,
and the years before it. Those puberty and teen years were quite effecting. I think I was not just doubting that my parents were the best
people to have raised me, but actively developing an inferiority complex around girls and guys who were more monied, educated, etc.
And our home, despite being loving and fun part, maybe most of the time, when my dad and sister weren't fighting, was mostly just plain and boring.
So my addiction to fantasy and longing, and dreaming that I was bigger/better/faster/stronger/a rock star or just living happily ever after, whatever, really kicked in. Women who I thought were realistic castmembers to join this fantasy became the objects of my affection. The first girl I ever made out with passionately, in a family vacation spot, became the object of intense longing. She was up there in the quaint coastal city while I was back in my two-bit town. Love letters followed. Other crushes did.

Years later, limerence is ENDED by my girlfriend/wife, a woman I did not have a crush on but rather started a natural, mutual, healthy relationship with. Put to sleep, and it stayed dormant for 16 years! Only to return, with a vicious vengeance. I'm glad I've gained all this insight. I'm working on filling up the holes from which the longing comes.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by Zsababy »

Dreaming Blue, if it's cool to ask, what would you say the intensity level and or pain it causes is? Do you feel tormented or just a nagging dissatisfaction?
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by L-F »

DreamingBlue wrote: Thu Jun 02, 2022 10:39 pm Years later, limerence is ENDED by my girlfriend/wife,
Yes, marriage will kill any remnants of limerence =))
Sorry, got a giggle out of this. But it's true, that's because marriage is messy, never perfect, and hard work! Whereas limerence is a dream, literally and figuratively.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by DreamingBlue »

Yeah, L-F, that has been my experience, always, but for some reason I'm convinced I'm going to die before this one does. It's an awful, awful feeling.
At least I have more in my life than a fantasy.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by DreamingBlue »

Zsa baby, are you asking me what level of pain the limerence causes? Or the perceived deficiencies of my mother?

Limerence - has been as bad as an 11 on a scale of 1-10. Now sits at about a steady 4 to 5, sometimes a 6, but hardly ever.
I know I'm on the mend, at a glacial pace.

Mother -- 3 on a 1 to 10. She did her best and does indeed love me. The gratitiude for an older sister whose love almost makes up for this
is enormous. Same with my wife.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by Zsababy »

Dreamingblue, I think I was asking to see how much pain the limerance causes you. I was thinking if it wasn't that bad maybe you could try to ignore it but it doesn't sound like the case.

I go to Hypnosis Downloads for guided meditations for different issues. I got one on " Unrequited Love". Maybe that would help.
Sorry about this.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by DreamingBlue »

It's weird, it's slightly less that I'm longing still for this love affair that never happened, it's more that, after making concrete decisions in keeping with my values, (going NC) I still think of her so much. I even dream of her. I see this as mental illness, and am distressed by the notion of mental illness.

As a person with slight OCD tendencies, I see this as a form of that, and as such, I am a certainty seeker. You can see that in this thread. "When will this end!?" I see thoughts of her like mind thorns, and I want them gone.

Ignoring them is almost impossible, but accepting them and refocusing, staying strong is not. I'll do my best.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by JupiterTaco »

That's part of the stigma of mental illness. Having a mental illness doesn't disqualify you from living in society. It just means you may need a little more than someone else. It doesn't seem like you're using this as an excuse to stalk your LO. It's just your reality right now and will pass.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by DreamingBlue »

I am in some ways e-stalking her boyfriend. Checking and checking again until she shows up in his feed. It's my only way to see new pics of her in her life. Each one hurts in a unique way, but some show me she's a normal person living her life, which she is of course entitled to. It is none of my business and I make a promise to stop. But then I keep doing it.

The dumbest feature of Instagram is something that is not a feature - you can't block yourself from someone else. That is a no-brainer for people with ex's, crushes, obsessions, bad breakups, etc.
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