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My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

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Struck613
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by Struck613 »

I'm a serial limerent. I joined the forum five years ago, and have had two LOs (debatably three -- it wasn't that bad my standards, but for a "normal," non-limerent person would definitely be considered an LO) in that span that I've posted about on here. I'd be lying if I said I'm able to view any of my past LOs as normal people still and not some god-like being, but I'm pretty much over them.

I was able to shake that LO, but not really figure out/address what is making me limerent in the first place. I've had LOs most of my life at this point, and so my concern when I was coming down from my last one is that I'd just transfer it to someone else. In the past though, all of my LOs have come from either school or work. I'm no longer in school and with the pandemic I've been working at home now for over two years. Without those opportunities, I've actually had a few months of relative peace in this regard and haven't really dealt with limerence for a bit.

But recently something weird started to happen. A few weeks ago I had a dream of someone I went to High School with. For reference, I'm 27 so HS was 10 years ago for me. I wasn't friends with her then, haven't seen her or spoken to or about her since then either. It's also not like she was someone that was "popular," so if I were to just think back on my HS days she wouldn't really be one of the first ones that popped to mind. But for some reason the dream stuck with me all day, and I started looking up what she'd been up to since I last saw her.

That first dream was probably three or so weeks ago, and since then I've had two more. On days where I don't have one of those dreams, I'm not really thinking at all about her (which is why I only called it a "possible" limerence in the title), but on the three days I have, I'm consumed. I know nothing about her other than what she was like as a high schooler, and we had virtually nothing to do with each other even then. I can come up with a few things we had in common, but it feels like me stretching to try to make her meet my typical LO qualities. I have no idea where this came from, or why I'm suddenly now fixated with her.

The other factor in this is, as I said, High School was 10 years ago for me. I have my 10 year reunion coming up in a couple weeks, and now all I'm thinking about is how I can actually see her there, and how we'll obviously immediately hit it off and live happily ever after together. I have no idea if she'll be there -- I don't think she went to the last reunion five years ago, but I honestly don't even know because it wasn't significant enough for me to notice or care about then.

There's slightly more to my backstory with her that I don't really feel like getting into now (basically, I think I can figure out why her of all people from my HS days), but I think I've still covered the gist of it even without that. Limerence continues to surprise me, but it's just so weird to me that I can be so effected in this way by someone I haven't thought about in 10 years.

I think/am hopeful that this will pass. Really my only chance of ever talking to her other than messaging her out of the blue (which I'm not going to do) comes in a couple weeks. Whether I even see or talk to her then or not, that'll be it so I'm hoping this doesn't last any longer than that. But I at least wanted to document it because it's taken up a lot of my mental space today.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by L-F »

Good to see you back Stark (not that limerence is anything to celebrate).
Struck613 wrote: Tue May 24, 2022 5:48 am I was able to shake that LO, but not really figure out/address what is making me limerent in the first place.
^^^ that's your hurdle right there.

Glad you were able to document your lastest LO.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by JupiterTaco »

I second L-F and a good way to figure it out is to look at what it is you want from LOs.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Tue May 24, 2022 4:38 pm look at what it is you want from LOs.
Totally.

It doesn't matter which angle you take, the more the better. Always good to get different perspectives and input from those on the outside looking in. Doesn't mean you have to accept it, just learn as much as you can because then you'll have a new appreciation for your situation.

All the best Struck.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Struck613
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by Struck613 »

Appreciate the replies. I'm the first to admit I've put in little to no work in addressing my root issue - I'm just waiting for a magic cure all that doesn't exist.

I had my reunion that I mentioned, and this new potential LO was in fact there. We actually spent a long time talking to each other. She mentioned an ex-boyfriend, and even though I haven't seen her in ten years I felt offended that she would even consider seeing someone else. It was at that moment that I realized nothing productive would come from talking to her. We were still cordial and talked for a while, but that's where it ended and I think that's for the best.
Struck613
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by Struck613 »

I've had another day to think things over, and I'm just more confused than anything else. I think I am definitely limerent again at this point, as I've spent all day thinking about LO.

On the one hand, we have no mutual friends and won't see each other again maybe ever, and so I think in time this will pass. I've seen her once in 10 years, so I really think after a week or two I'll move on.

On the other hand, I'm single and as far as I could tell from speaking to her, she is too. The only mention of an SO was about an ex. So therein lies my dilemma. There's really nothing holding me back from reaching out and potentially pursuing a relationship. But at the same time, I already feel like she is this "perfect" person based on one interaction, and I can rationally understand that's because of the limerence. So am I better off at least seeing where it goes so that I don't end up regretting not saying something? Or do I leave well enough alone and try not to poke the beast that is limerence?
Struck613
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by Struck613 »

Another post since I literally have had LO on my mind every single second since I said bye to her about 24 hours ago.

As I alluded to in my last post, I'm extremely conflicted on how to proceed. I was in the same position with my last LO where I was single and thought she was as well, so I asked her out. Turns out she wasn't single, and that was that. But even that didn't really give me closure or end my LE.

I've written about this before, but I have really bad social anxiety and I think I developed limerence as a coping mechanism to that (I can dive more into that another time). These two things are at a huge crossroads with this particular LO -- my SA brain has convinced myself it would be weird, inappropriate, and creepy to reach out to her again (even though we spoke for well over an hour at this reunion). I don't have her number and i'm not really a big social media person, so how would I even contact her? Message her on LinkedIn asking her out or asking for her number? That's a weird platform to do that on. I also have convinced myself with basically every previous LO -- even the ones I never spoke to -- that based on their body language they were definitely into me, but I could tell 100% from LO's body language last night that she wasn't. Not that she was disgusted by me or anything, but for sure she wasn't limerent for me, which is a lie I've usually convinced myself of in the past.

The other part of my brain is saying go for it. Because of how bad my SA is, I've never been in a relationship of any kind. I'm still relatively young, but it's basically getting to be now or never time (if it wasn't already at that point), and really what do I have to lose here? I'd say there's a greater than 50% chance I never see LO again in my life, so if she ignores me or says no who cares?

I also think she'd actually be a good fit for my SA -- I mentioned in the first post of this thread that I think I can figure out why she of all people came back into my head after 10 years, and it's because on the surface we were pretty similar people in high school. To think back like a high schooler again, we were both incredibly awkward and shy to the point of not being "popular," but also athletic and attractive enough to not be "losers." Seeing her last night it seemed like she broke out of her shell since then, but even she basically described her high school self in that way too. I wasn't friends with her then and didn't really know much more about her, but on the surface at least we had that in common. And in a time as confusing and overwhelming as high school, I think on some level I saw her as someone else clearly dealing with social anxiety worse than a normal teenager, and I guess my subconscious latched on to that. In the present, I think part of the reason why I was so taken aback to hear her talk about an ex-boyfriend was that it signified she was able to move on from that phase of her life. I recognize that's normal and I'm the one that's abnormal for not having moved on, but it just served as another reminder that I'm the abnormal one.

But I don't know how much of that is just the limerent in me. When I think about reaching out to her, I'm motivated by the fact that I'd be heartbroken if she was with someone else and I recognize that that is limerence. This is someone I've spoken to for an hour total in the last ten years (which is probably more than I'd spoken to her ever before), so I can see that that's not a normal way to feel about someone like that. If I were to enter a relationship with her, I'd be entering it from an extremely unhealthy place of limerence. But when I start telling myself that, I don't know if I just think that because of my SA as a way to avoid the potential awkwardness of asking someone out.

A lot of this is really me ranting more about social anxiety than limerence, and I'm guessing the easy answer for anyone on the outside looking in that's reading this is to just say I should reach out to her. I feel like my SA and LE are too deeply intertwined to not mix the two, and since social anxiety is a more well known concept it's easier for me to write about that here than to write about my limerence on a SA forum.

I think deep down I already know I'm not going to do anything. -- I'll maybe connect with her on something like LinkedIn in the coming days, but I'm not going to message her beyond that. I do want to feel like I have some control over my life and not just do what I already "know" I'll do, but I don't know. I've been down this road with limerence too many times already, and I think there's value to leaving well enough alone and nipping this one in the bud.
Struck613
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by Struck613 »

A week later, and I'm 100% limerent again. It's as bad as it's ever been. I connected with LO on social media, but I didn't say anything to her. I still really want to, but I don't think I'm going to.

This too shall pass.
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by peter.rabbit »

Well, from my viewpoint it looks like the uncertainty and mystery is going to consume your thoughts, so I'm just going to blurt out what what I would do in your situation:
Your single, she's presumably single so why not just ask her out? If she says no, then I would mark her "case closed". If she is agreeable, why not get together, and explore. Some might think I'm "enabling" you, but really, perhaps the Limerence label doesn't fit everyone who's attracted to other people.
Romantic thoughts & feelings are powerful, and do affect a person both physically and mentally / emotionally. You may not be completely broken[like me] but I do wish you the best in sorting this out.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: My weirdest (possible) limerence yet

Post by JupiterTaco »

A few things jump out at me here, so bear with me. Are you sure it wouldn't hurt just to try to meet up? I know we talk on the forum that it can be a slippery slope, but sometimes seeing somebody in all their human glory can be all it takes to kill the hope and fantasy. What finally worked for me in killing any potential hope for my high school LO was not only his lack of attention on Facebook while he gave it to other women, but also that he posted stupid crap all day long like pictures of random intersections and what he was eating.

It does seem you may have more set on this person if you were bothered by the idea of an ex in their life. I know all about that. Mostly because I've had bad experiences of people being interested in me who have a small pool; an ex nearby or heaven forbid, tattooed on them so there's that. Watch out for things like that. Really look at where these feelings come from in this case. They can really tell you a lot. However healthy relationships come from a place of understanding. Understanding that people have a past, and many times it wasn't even something they wanted. It's best to do the inner work of knowing yourself and what you want so you don't approach relationships with a scarcity mindset.

Also, it is not the end of the world that you don't have a partner right now. It doesn't mean you won't ever, no matter what you hear. Yes, the dating pool can get smaller, but you'd be surprised how many people are out there who just haven't found someone (and the divorce/break up rates are pretty high) so the chances that you'll meet somebody who has had time to really get to know themselves and what they want get higher the older you get.

What you attract is in proportion to what you'll accept. Take this time to really look at what you don't like in life and what you would like. This will create more space to meet someone you have things in common with. I hope this helps.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
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