BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

Dog Sitting Triggers

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Post Reply
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

I have been taking care of my neighbor's dog while she is on vacation. I'm halfway through this 3-week adventure, and I must honestly say that it's triggering the hell out of me, which is something that I never anticipated.

The dog is small (maltese/shih tzu mix) and spent the first 8 months of her life in a pet store, from which my neighbor purchased her. She is really good and trained to do her business outside very well. She also has separation anxiety, which has improved by keeping her out of the crate as much as possible.

Within the first week, I began to feel smothered and stifled by her neediness and following me around everywhere. This began to trigger avoidant behaviors, such as wanting to run away and ignoring her. I have not been on the other side of the coin, so this was a rare opportunity for me to experience how LO must have felt. Of course, it would have been so much easier if the cat and mouse game had ended earlier, and if there could have been a discussion with him telling me directly to stop bothering him. Although I don't know if I would have listened.

It quickly became evident that all of my focus and energy was directed towards taking care of this little dog, which left little to no time for myself. This reminded me of all of the time and energy that I wasted on chasing LO to prove to myself that I was good enough to be loved.

This also caused me to look outside of myself for a distraction and the one that had worked so very well in the past was still accessible, so I digressed a bit over a few days, until I realized that if I changed my reaction and planned to do something that I really enjoyed, at least twice a day, then I wouldn't need to use the LO in this way.

My own avoidant behaviors triggered memories of my mom, who was also an avoidant, and who had the identical behaviors as LO. She was hot/cold (and always attributed to the fact that she was a Gemini), she ran away, (abandonment) when I was naughty and she would not tell me that she was going or where, or when she would come back. I always internalized that her leaving was my fault and that at some point, she just wouldn't return. This is terrifying to a child, and so I think it's where the people-pleaser/codependency emerged. My own behavior of ignoring (the dog) reminded me of all of the times that my mom ignored me because I was annoying or asked too many questions. When LO did this, it shook me to my core every single time.
I realized that I was not to blame, and I carried this for a very long time. The issues that my parents and/or LO had were not my fault.

This dog has attachment issues also and was technically abandoned by her parents and sold to to the pet store, and has spent the majority of her life in a cage. I realized that she is not to blame for the environment that she was in and all she really wants is to be safe, secure and loved.

This experience is helping me learn about secure attachments, neither avoidant or codependent. It's another hard lesson, but I am getting a clearer picture of what I want in relationships and what I don't want.

Thanks for reading!
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by L-F »

Hi AMA
I have to ask, was your mother bi-polar? My mother is and she sounds like my mother. The way you described the dog is identical to what my mother said about her new kitten. In the end, she couldn't handle it and gave the kitten to a loving home. She hates being relied upon. She hated something that demanded her time. She has a large heart and is caring and kind, but is always mentally torn and stressed when this kindness and caring nature of hers is 'expected or demanded'. Or in other words, unconditional love is a stressor.

Another thing she does is use her kindness as leverage to elevate her self-esteem. It's never about being kind without involving her ego. A genuinely nice thing a person can do is just be kind and help someone without expecting praise - because then you know it comes from the heart and is without 'conditions'.

Also, the crate is a way to train anxious dogs. It provides a sense of security. I use to think they were awful things but watched a friend of mine train her dog and now it's a completely new dog. Though the crate isn't something to constantly keep the dog in. That's cruelty in my eyes.

That's nice of you to look after your neighbours dog.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

Hi LF,

I honestly don't know if my my mom was bi-polar or not. I do know that she was avoidant with narcissistic tendencies (control, manipulation, hot/cold, dismissive/silent treatment) and my dad was more of the co-dependent, always aiming to please her, and of course, a substance abuser, namely alcohol and cigars.

More or less, LO was like a combination of both parents (and I probably was also).

I think part of the reason why I've been triggered so much is because I've worked so hard to ditch the codependency within myself, striving to be self sufficient, and form secure attachment. Perhaps this dog is a representation of who I was before LE and I don't want to go back to that version.

On a side note, my new landlord is interestingly enough, very similar to who I was before, and begins every sentence with "sorry". I feel like I'm literally interacting with my old self and its super weird.
So I could say that it's just coincidence with this, but rather, I think its another unique opportunity to view all of the growth that has occurred within, and as a result of the LE.

I have been using the crate as the option when I leave the house and not for any other reason. I've noticed that the more freedom she is given, the more secure she feels and literally does not bark if I step out to get the mail for a few minutes. I think that her owner uses the crate because it's more convenient for her, so when she returns, I will share my notes about the dog's behavior and then leave it up to her how to handle it.

The neighbor did compensate me for having the dog. :D
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Sun Jul 03, 2022 10:30 pm So I could say that it's just a coincidence with this, but rather, I think it's another unique opportunity to view all of the growth that has occurred within, and as a result of the LE.
100% :-bd

We observe ourselves by comparing ourselves to others. So interesting you've seen past aspects, and perhaps current aspects too.
Check out what it means to be bipolar and see if any of it relates? But will always need a professional to diagnose - difficult when it's someone else, but still, might be enlightening nonetheless.

All damage caused to people starts at a young age, no different to the neighbour's dog. So in a sense, we're all like that dog. And that is why (and how) I came to forgive my mother and father, and of course, self. We're meant to grow and learn and I don't believe we can't change old patterns, beliefs, etc. Even if we, or I, or anyone has narcissist traits.

I see two types of narcissists. Narcissists who are unaware and woke narcissists (who have the awareness of behaviours and traits and can make changes). That is of course if we're talking pop-culture narcissism. It's bandied about as if it applies to everyone these days.

Anyway, chatting for chatting sake.
Love your insightful aha moments!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by L-F »

Talking about mothers....

[Painted a picture of how some parents are mentally ill and damaged like the dog in original post]

All we want as humans, regardless of our diagnoses/labels, is to be understood and loved. I love my pathetic, crazy, mean, emotionally immature mother.
Last edited by L-F on Mon Jul 04, 2022 7:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

Thanks for sharing, LF.
Peace and continued healing to you. :ymhug:
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by L-F »

Hopefully, with how your parents treated you growing up, you've reached a place of unconditional love for them, just like you did with the dog.

My mother will never change, but who cares right? I don't care anymore. Her behaviour is hers to own.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by L-F »

Oh and going back to unhealthy attachments, that's LIMERENCE! pretty sure LOs are only there to replace our parents :))
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Dog Sitting Triggers

Post by JupiterTaco »

I've been dealing with similar issues with my mom's dogs and fireworks so I feel that. All I wanted to do was go down to the festivities today which I still haven't done since being back here and actually enjoy my flipping holiday like everybody else without her constant negativity but had to stay home down in my room after work so the dogs would stay down there and not be upset.

Otherwise they'd be yelled at all night just because they have no control over their body reactions to all the chaos that comes with this holiday. I wasn't even on my way home before she was texting me about when i was going to be home. I considered blowing her off and getting drunk downtown especially after she rudely interrupted my daily tasks and affected my sleep last night with the same issues.

This was after one of my last days off last week, strategically picked on a day she was supposed to work and she didn't go and found yet another way to ruin my day off again. But she always gets to be her oversized three-year old self unloading her shit onto me so she feels better. Only she didn't feel better. It never ends with her. Tonight she was bitching about the fireworks again. Then tonight in the midst of all the fireworks she chose that splendid time several times to take them out to go to the bathroom which shockingly they didn't do and was then yelling at them about the potty pads. Time and place?

Then she has no idea why every time she raises her voice, the dogs take off, and why they get so exceedingly upset about the fireworks. Oh to be a fly on the wall all the years I wasn't here...

They often spend time with me when we're both home but they get exceedingly upset if she leaves or goes to bed without them. It's like this is the only "love" they've ever known and feel lost without it and I remember that feeling.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 14 guests