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Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

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L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by L-F »

Good advice Zsababy.
Something is lacking... It takes two to tango. What is nfpeanut doing to continue these discussions? To give him the impression its okay to chat about non-work related stuff. I'd like to see the replies to 'I love you, I miss you' type texts.
If someone were to send me texts that I don't want to respond to, I simply don't respond. Mute is a good option. It's okay to chat if one wants but as soon as it crosses boundaries, don't respond. Silence sends a strong message. People soon learn what kills a conversation. His hurtful comments are perfect conversation killers. He'll learn what he can and cannot say to you without even bringing it up.

Often we can point the finger yet forget about our contribution to the situation.
As mentioned, there are many options.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
nfpeanut
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2022 10:08 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by nfpeanut »

I’ve only recently come to my senses with this person. Like literally in the last few weeks. I had a genuine realization that he is talking with me when he’s bored or lonely. As mentioned previously at the age of 45 now I’m woefully inexperienced in dating as I was in a relationship with the same person from age 15 to 41. At times when he said he misses me and loves me Ofcourse I responded to it. I was naive and hopeful. I now know from listening to some audiobooks and podcasts that I need to get away from this situation in order to heal and not feel so hurt all the time. I will be respectful to him when he next tries to chat me up because that is who I am. But I will tell him that this “friendship” is no longer something that is good for me and I do not want to have personal conversations with him anymore. I’m sure he will respect my request now that I have had a few days to reflect on it. I do think on some level he believes he cares for me even if it is with his limited emotional capability. We’ve know each other for 5 years and he’s never been nasty too me, I just have had hope and expectations that were not able to be met. And as long as I still have an inkling of them I will never be able to heal and move on.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by L-F »

nfpeanut wrote: Mon Jul 18, 2022 9:39 am And as long as I still have an inkling of them I will never be able to heal and move on.
Expect to have an inkling for many years to come - because that's how limerence works. It's what you do while feeling limerent that makes all the difference. NC is not a magical cure either, though it does give some space (not possible in your situation because you work at the same place).

The cure to limerence? Work on why you became limerent in the first place. It's got nothing to do with dating or long-term relationships, or being bored in a relationship and having an affair. Limerent-prone people come with emotional baggage that needs unpacking, preferably with a professional, or if you are like me, tons of research and a safe space with others who have healed from limerence. Don't trust a professional who has not experienced it, they will only come from a textbook perspective. Limerence is such a strange phenomenon, it almost needs to he experienced, and resolved, in order to understand it.

But you will get there in the end however you decide to tackle it. All the best nfpeanut.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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