Limerence for a co-worker

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edwin
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by edwin »

AMA210 wrote: Fri Jun 24, 2022 6:43 pm If it's at all possible, please try to end the rollercoaster of push and pull/hot and cold with this co-worker.
Really hard to do, she fills a void in my life. Something changed with her in the past weeks, she's showing more affection now, no more hot and cold.
I've never experienced such strong feelings. Of course, they are exacerbated because of the fact that we cannot express ourselves, due to workplace constraints. I need to find a way to reach her outside of the workplace and sort things out.
edwin
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by edwin »

David wrote: Sat Jun 18, 2022 6:53 am It sounds like you grapple with low self esteem - i think that's a universal theme with limerence, a feeling of not being good enough. Some of us are aware of this, others its too unconscious for any level of self-awareness It all stems from childhood in not getting our emotional needs met.
I didn't have a emotional connection with my parents, despite being hard working people and providing with everything I needed as a child. When I was teenager, I started to keep things hidden from them and find emotional support in friends.
L-F
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by L-F »

edwin wrote: Fri Jul 01, 2022 6:09 pm
AMA210 wrote: Fri Jun 24, 2022 6:43 pm If it's at all possible, please try to end the rollercoaster of push and pull/hot and cold with this co-worker.
Really hard to do, she fills a void in my life. Something changed with her in the past weeks, she's showing more affection now, no more hot and cold.
If that's true, then perhaps confront the issue of her wanting to report you and ask her what that was about, and if its something that can be discussed and resolved? Be adults and have those really important honest discussions before things go pear-shaped again. As it is, it is NOT a healthy relationship. Do you feel you could be open with her? Also, do not assume she is in to you. Many limerents make that mistake and see signs where there is none.

Something I think is part and parcel of limerence... 'ASSUMPTIONS'
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
AMA210
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by AMA210 »

I agree with LF - it would be advantageous for both of you to discuss this, as adults, outside of the work environment. IMO, if she isn't willing to do this, then the game will continue to play out.

I wasn't too surprised to read that the tables have turned and she is now being very nice and even affectionate towards you. This will continue until something sets her off, and then should return to the hot/cold behaviors. Similar to intermittent reinforcement--providing just enough to keep you hooked. It can be a vicious cycle of cat and mouse, and not healthy, period, as LF previously stated.

The void that you think she fills is actually within yourself, and the process of discovering and going within to figure out what you are not giving to yourself, on all levels (emotionally, spiritually, mentally). This process is what is referred to as "heavy lifting" here on the forum. The affliction/experience of limerence is really about ourselves and the journey back to ourself, and is truly not about the other/LO.

Best to you.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
edwin
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by edwin »

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Last edited by edwin on Sun Jul 24, 2022 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
AMA210
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by AMA210 »

Excellent, Edwin! Stay with it - as it will get easier with time and distance.

I was 50 when my LE began, albeit married for 25 years, so it was a perfect storm waiting to happen.

Hopefully, the self care that you have been doing as a result of this will continue.

Although, it's not really about being attractive to someone else or presenting ourselves in such a way to meet that goal. Rather, it's more about the attractiveness of our inner world, how much we love ourselves, and how we take care of our own needs first. This will then radiate to our outer world.
The validation and attention that we seek from others so that we feel "good enough" and valuable is really not necessary, as we literally have all of this within.

Best to you! :)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
edwin
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by edwin »

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Last edited by edwin on Sun Jul 24, 2022 5:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
IvB
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by IvB »

I hope you can keep doing the activities that you are doing. I also have to started doing a lot of stuff because of my LO but I keep going, mostly because it keeps me busy and thus gives me less time to think of LO. Gym makes me feel better about myself because I look better and maybe the endorphins work too. Keep going, be the best version of yourself for yourself and potentially for someone who appreciates you more than she does.
edwin
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by edwin »

I am pretty sure at this point I am in mutual limerence. LO is married and didn't want to pursue communication with me outside the work environment. I understand this, as she want to protect her marriage. For a while I was OK with whatever affection I received from her, but now I feel like I want more, and it does not justify the ups and downs of the limerence anymore.

Somenthing also changed: I do not feel the need to impress LO anymore. This was the primary drive that made me make substantial changes in my life in the first stages of limerence. But now, I know she's attracted to me, I feel like nothing is to gain from impressing her more. So I decided to cut ties and go low contact. Not an easy task, when you work with her and she's always around. I hesitated a lot and blew hot and cold towards her the entire week.

Something else also make things complicated. People at my workplace already know there is some sort an emmotional affaire between me and LO. A male coworker who usually was very friendly, changed his attitude towards me recently. It didn't took to long to figure out he has interests in LO. This bothers me, because it puts me in a position of competition. I do not want this guy gain over her either.
David
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Re: Limerence for a co-worker

Post by David »

edwin wrote: Sat Aug 06, 2022 9:42 pm. A male coworker who usually was very friendly, changed his attitude towards me recently. It didn't took to long to figure out he has interests in LO. This bothers me, because it puts me in a position of competition. I do not want this guy gain over her either.
Jealousy is up there with all the major symptoms of limerence.
Purchase the 20 part video series on overcoming limerence for just $49 - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
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