Coping with rejection

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townshend
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Coping with rejection

Post by townshend »

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Last edited by townshend on Fri Sep 02, 2022 12:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman
JupiterTaco
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by JupiterTaco »

Sorry to hear about that but good to see you back here! I made a rule in my life to really put a wall up between me and people who have a tendency to either do the hot/cold thing or the love and then hate thing. I really dislike people who come on really intense and strong whatever way they do it. It's all calculated manipulation to me unless one can think of why they'd be doing that, but that goes back to why plenty of people are here; spending too much time thinking about others' actions and what they mean instead of focusing that energy on oneself.
"Yeah, he's right here. It's Beth. Who's Beth?" Tiffany, Road Trip
StillLimerent
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by StillLimerent »

Hi Townshend.

It definitely must be very hard on you, this very situation. I can so feel for you.

It's hard to know what your mentor really thinks and what made him stop talking to you.

But what I understand is that you sent him a nice email asking to explain why this was all happening. I think it's what I would've done myself. It's always good to ask the person directly. He didn't respond, but that was his decision. Looks like you did the best you could considering the circumstances. You also seem like your new job which is great. Maybe you mentor will respond after some time, maybe not. Sounds like it's best to try to move on. I know it's the hardest thing to do. I am very limerent at the moment for my LO and I can't move on myself.. Though it's the best thing to do...
townshend
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by townshend »

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Last edited by townshend on Fri Sep 02, 2022 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman
townshend
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by townshend »

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Last edited by townshend on Fri Sep 02, 2022 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman
townshend
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by townshend »

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Last edited by townshend on Fri Sep 02, 2022 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman
L-F
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by L-F »

I'm confused by all of this. Was it a love triangle?
What has your boss's relationship and your mentor's relationship got to do with you? Did you ruin it? I'm trying to fit all the pieces together. It sounds complex. Hoping you find light at the end of the tunnel.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
StillLimerent
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by StillLimerent »

Dear Townshend,

Your last post about the upcoming event and your dilemma of trying to reconcile misunderstandings with your mentor sounds very similar to how my own brain (and maybe it's for many of us, limerents) always tries to find an excuse to get back to my LO.

It's very hard for me to see it clearly when it comes to my personal situation. However, it's not hard to see when it happens to others.

Per your previous posts, you've already given several last chances for him to improve the situation, however, his choice was clear - he is not interested in reconnecting. You even wrote an email to him, which is way more than enough and was a solid last chance. He didn't respond. Which is a clear answer to your questions.
But our limerent brains tend to find excuses to even situations that are already clear.

I think that you may want to avoid that event completely if possible. Your mind is already not set up to be present at that event, but it's already all obsessed about your mentor. And it's all you would be fixated on during the event. Which is not a good thing at all. You've already tried reconnecting with him on so many occasions, that I think it's best to not do anything at all. Otherwise it looks way too much. That's would be my recommendation to my own self as well. But I know it's hard to do. Because we desperately want to reconnect. And we keep finding excuses, opportunities, and last chances. And I am not too strong myself, honestly, and my brain keeps finding excuses as well...
L-F
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by L-F »

I agree with StillLimerent

It's not about how many chances you give him, it's about how many times you want to create opportunities to feel vulnerable. It's you who wants to, not him making you. Perhaps its what most limerent brains do, as StillLimetent pointed out.

"I lean towards I have to create it. To seek him out and say hello, accepting everything I said above it’s the last chance I can give for him to make a different choice as I clearly express I am open to work whatever this is out and do my part in trying to fix it."

Sounds like an ultimatum. "He must make a better choice... or else...". He made his choice. He makes it every day. We all do. It's called independence and free will.

As StillLimerent pointed out, it's difficult to see our behaviour but easier to see it in others. Other people make great mirrors! There is a saying that David used often "if you spot it, you got it" which hits home.
I believe, and this doesn't relate to your thread, and it doesn't apply 100% of the time (there are exceptions), people blame others because they feel, on an unconscious level, guilty. We project fears onto children... "Be careful! You might get hurt!", we project on to LO, just about everyone most of the time, imo.

Perhaps read your post as if I had typed it? That might help??? I think StillLimerent has shared some wise words.

We all hope you can find peace with the 'letting go' part instead of chasing an apology or approval or definitive conclusion (but as mentioned, it already looks like you've got that with 'no response' from him). As soon as you let go of whatever you are chasing you can start to heal.

I have to admit, I still struggle with the 'no response' reaction, but, I have to keep it real. A 'no response' reaction sends a loud and clear message of its own. To me, in simplistic terms, it means "leave me alone".

Which as painful as that sounds, is equally cathartic. It gave my mind a break from ruminating on the 'what are they afraid to admit to themselves, and me?'. The heavy lifting came in when I flipped it to "what am I afraid to admit to myself?" But your situation is different to mine and we're all unique and deal with things differently.

Take care Townsend and keep us posted.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
townshend
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 2:19 am
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Re: Coping with rejection

Post by townshend »

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Last edited by townshend on Fri Sep 02, 2022 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman
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