polyamorous and limerent?

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handypanda
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Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2022 3:04 am
United States of America

polyamorous and limerent?

Post by handypanda »

So my mind is being blown right now as i research this topic... bear with me. I just got out of a relationship with my partner. He was asexual and we opened up the relationship and I started identifying as polyamorous. But the more I think about that relationship, the more I wonder if I'm actually polyamorous or was just rationalizing my limerence? We had been talking about opening the relationship when he came to terms with his asexuality but it was always just an idea until I met someone who peaked my interest (and in retrosepect, probably became an LO) and then I felt like i was on cloud 9. I thought i had the best of both worlds and had figured out some crazy loop hole in relationships, i can both have a stable secure and loving relationship while experiencing the joys and excitement of a new relationship. The new guy became kind of an obssession, i thought about him constantly, i started to feel guilty about not thinking about my partner as much. Eventually when I got to know the new guy a little better, i stopped being attracted to him and dropped him.Then a few months later, found a new LO who this time seemed absolutely perfect, the excitement i felt about seeing him completely obliterated by relationship. My relationship was already rocky, i was feeling like we were incompatible and meeting my new LO who seemed compatible to me in every way that my partner was not sealed the deal and i broke up with my partner. Now im single but still in my head thought that in future relationships i would want to be polyamorous since i rlly did enjoy being able to date while in a stable relationship. But I wonder if I was just using being poly as an excuse to indulge my love addiction? Would i ever be able to be in multiple healthy relationships without having an LO? sorry i feel a bit all over the place, would love to hear from anyone who can relate.
JupiterTaco
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Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: polyamorous and limerent?

Post by JupiterTaco »

It really depends. Sometimes it takes being out of limerence to be able to see things clearly. Limerence can tell you the truth about yourself and your needs, but it can also lie about these things. So it really does take being out of it to see some things clearly and that's likely why it's advised not to make major decisions that affect your life in the throes of or while healing from limerence.

I am also not monogamous as I realized, and I spent years not only thinking I had to force myself to live in that reality but also that I was made to feel by toxic people in my life that I was too needy when in reality my mother for just one example actually needed me more than I needed her. As long as she could convince me that I was a needy headcase who needed people too much, I would think that and feel terrible which affected my ability to live an independent life and have decent relationships and things just kind of snowballed there.

I also think that if possessiveness was at all an element of your limerence that could've been caused by other factors such as relationship dynamics or needs not being met or both. I generally find that on the rare occasion I've gotten possessive or needy with somebody, it's because of toxic relationship dynamics and that made me realize it's not for me and step away. Hope this helps!
"He got down on one knee and he said, Tonya, would you not marry me? Because I love you too much to make you unhappy. I know what's in your heart. Be true to yourself, Tonya. Follow your heart," Tonya, The L Word
L-F
Posts: 3686
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: polyamorous and limerent?

Post by L-F »

Not sure where you're situated and if you can access the show.
Check out Temptation Island. It has a lot of insightful things in it, and, there have been individuals in your shoes. In fact, the current show has a couple where he wants an open relationship, she doesn't, yet it's her who is hooking up with someone on the Island - go figure! At any rate, it sheds some light on human behavior when it comes to relationships.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
L-F
Posts: 3686
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: polyamorous and limerent?

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Mar 23, 2022 7:53 am it's advised not to make major decisions that affect your life in the throes of or while healing from limerence.
Amen to that!
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
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