polyamorous and limerent?

[handypanda]

So my mind is being blown right now as i research this topic... bear with me. I just got out of a relationship with my partner. He was asexual and we opened up the relationship and I started identifying as polyamorous. But the more I think about that relationship, the more I wonder if I'm actually polyamorous or was just rationalizing my limerence? We had been talking about opening the relationship when he came to terms with his asexuality but it was always just an idea until I met someone who peaked my interest (and in retrosepect, probably became an LO) and then I felt like i was on cloud 9. I thought i had the best of both worlds and had figured out some crazy loop hole in relationships, i can both have a stable secure and loving relationship while experiencing the joys and excitement of a new relationship. The new guy became kind of an obssession, i thought about him constantly, i started to feel guilty about not thinking about my partner as much. Eventually when I got to know the new guy a little better, i stopped being attracted to him and dropped him.Then a few months later, found a new LO who this time seemed absolutely perfect, the excitement i felt about seeing him completely obliterated by relationship. My relationship was already rocky, i was feeling like we were incompatible and meeting my new LO who seemed compatible to me in every way that my partner was not sealed the deal and i broke up with my partner. Now im single but still in my head thought that in future relationships i would want to be polyamorous since i rlly did enjoy being able to date while in a stable relationship. But I wonder if I was just using being poly as an excuse to indulge my love addiction? Would i ever be able to be in multiple healthy relationships without having an LO? sorry i feel a bit all over the place, would love to hear from anyone who can relate.

[JupiterTaco]

It really depends. Sometimes it takes being out of limerence to be able to see things clearly. Limerence can tell you the truth about yourself and your needs, but it can also lie about these things. So it really does take being out of it to see some things clearly and that's likely why it's advised not to make major decisions that affect your life in the throes of or while healing from limerence.

I am also not monogamous as I realized, and I spent years not only thinking I had to force myself to live in that reality but also that I was made to feel by toxic people in my life that I was too needy when in reality my mother for just one example actually needed me more than I needed her. As long as she could convince me that I was a needy headcase who needed people too much, I would think that and feel terrible which affected my ability to live an independent life and have decent relationships and things just kind of snowballed there.

I also think that if possessiveness was at all an element of your limerence that could've been caused by other factors such as relationship dynamics or needs not being met or both. I generally find that on the rare occasion I've gotten possessive or needy with somebody, it's because of toxic relationship dynamics and that made me realize it's not for me and step away. Hope this helps!

[L-F]

Not sure where you're situated and if you can access the show.
Check out Temptation Island. It has a lot of insightful things in it, and, there have been individuals in your shoes. In fact, the current show has a couple where he wants an open relationship, she doesn't, yet it's her who is hooking up with someone on the Island - go figure! At any rate, it sheds some light on human behavior when it comes to relationships.

[L-F]

it's advised not to make major decisions that affect your life in the throes of or while healing from limerence.

Amen to that!

[yoguisan]

Not sure if it's a good idea to resuscitate an old topic and not really add anything relevant to it, but I figured it'd be better than creating a new one. I was actually curious for insights on this. Before I realized limerence was a thing I thought many times that maybe a monogamous relationship was not for me (hypocritical for someone who just opened a thread about being jealous towards LO, huh?). But as JT said, maybe this was due to the heat of the moment; I really know almost nothing about non-monogamous relationships (despite for a short time being in one with LO years ago), but the fact this is a recurrent topic for me makes me wonder if I should not have given it another shot or if I'm just trying to justify limerence as panda mentioned.

But since I've been on this situation before, maybe I'll add my two cents so I don't feel stupid for bringing it up without adding nothing. At the time, we never really added anyone into our relationship, but we were free to go out with whoever we wanted. This was proposed by her, and I accepted reluctantly. It did satisfy my short term cravings, but at the same time introduced a new level of paranoia of her being with someone else when not with me, and this really was no fun. Also, it made me realize who I really wanted to be with was her. Not sure to what extent I was being a hypocrite or if I actually ventured where I was not supposed to, but as I mentioned I don't really know the dynamics of a truly polyamorous relationship, where there are feelings for more than one person. I have yet to do some research on it.

[L-F]

Not sure to what extent I was being a hypocrite or if I actually ventured where I was not supposed to, but as I mentioned I don't really know the dynamics of a truly polyamorous relationship, where there are feelings for more than one person. I have yet to do some research on it.

Hey Yoguisan, it's a tough one to unpack. Some people are ethical sluts (The authors of The Ethical Slut "define the term slut as "a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." The term is reclaimed from its usual use as a pejorative and as a simple label for a promiscuous person. Instead, it is used to signify a person who is accepting of their enjoyment of sex and the pleasure of physical intimacy with others, and chooses to engage and accept these in an ethical and open way—rather than as cheating.

The Ethical Slut discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way.") taken from https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut

Apparently the book makes for a great read (according to a few friends), I haven't read it. But going back to the thought 'some people are ethical sluts', others are 100% ethically in tune with monogamy. It's an individual thing, obviously. Having had the opportunity like you did to explore, Im definitely not non-monogomous and I don't care what evolutionary psychology has to say about the matter. Some people, like myself, detest anything other than being monogamous, call it a value thing. It's just the way im wired.

There's no right or wrong answer here.

[yoguisan]

Not sure to what extent I was being a hypocrite or if I actually ventured where I was not supposed to, but as I mentioned I don't really know the dynamics of a truly polyamorous relationship, where there are feelings for more than one person. I have yet to do some research on it.

Hey Yoguisan, it's a tough one to unpack. Some people are ethical sluts (The authors of The Ethical Slut "define the term slut as "a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." The term is reclaimed from its usual use as a pejorative and as a simple label for a promiscuous person. Instead, it is used to signify a person who is accepting of their enjoyment of sex and the pleasure of physical intimacy with others, and chooses to engage and accept these in an ethical and open way—rather than as cheating.

The Ethical Slut discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way.") taken from https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut

Apparently the book makes for a great read (according to a few friends), I haven't read it. But going back to the thought 'some people are ethical sluts', others are 100% ethically in tune with monogamy. It's an individual thing, obviously. Having had the opportunity like you did to explore, Im definitely not non-monogomous and I don't care what evolutionary psychology has to say about the matter. Some people, like myself, detest anything other than being monogamous, call it a value thing. It's just the way im wired.

There's no right or wrong answer here.

Interesting. I've never heard of this book (or term) before, it sure will make it into my read list. Even though I always went for monogamous relationships, it always felt kind of wrong to me having to repress such strong urges (was it limerence speaking? Probably). At the same time, I've always felt great jealousy towards my girlfriends, so what in my head would be my ideal relationship ends up not being fair.

I have actually great admiration for non monogamous people. I don't know how jealousy works in such relationships or if it even exists in most cases (forgive my ignorance), but I sure wish I knew how to handle it, or not have it at all, so I could freely pursue one. Though at this point in my life, it's something I'll have to completely forfeit. Considering my wife is a very traditional Catholic, she would be utterly offended if I even touched on the matter.

[L-F]

It always fascinated me how we think we know our partners, and yet, here we are! Lol.
I've read many accounts of 'Catholic' people (male or female) confessing limerence and or same-sex attraction. Weird right? I mean, secrets are just that.
I wonder how many limerent men question if their Catholic wife could be sexually aroused by someone else at church or heavens forbid, the lady who sits in aisle 9.

I'm thankful my SO knows my entire limerent story, poor bugga got dragged into it so had no choice. Anyway, those days are behind us and LE was a wake-up call, of sorts, for both of us.

Many blessings to you Yoguisan as you navigate this jealousy thing.
Do I get jealous? Yep.
Should I? Nope.
Does it bother me? Nope.

[yoguisan]

It always fascinated me how we think we know our partners, and yet, here we are! Lol.
I've read many accounts of 'Catholic' people (male or female) confessing limerence and or same-sex attraction. Weird right? I mean, secrets are just that.
I wonder how many limerent men question if their Catholic wife could be sexually aroused by someone else at church or heavens forbid, the lady who sits in aisle 9.

I'm thankful my SO knows my entire limerent story, poor bugga got dragged into it so had no choice. Anyway, those days are behind us and LE was a wake-up call, of sorts, for both of us.

Many blessings to you Yoguisan as you navigate this jealousy thing.
Do I get jealous? Yep.
Should I? Nope.
Does it bother me? Nope.

Well, I admit I secretly wish for my SO to be bisexual (or any other girlfriends I ever had, for that matter), so I could go for something else. But at this point this is just my perverted mind doing what it's best at. I agree, however, that I'll never know what goes through her mind; I have hopes, but not expectations. Also, the fact I had a chance for an open relationship with LO and it didn't turn out well makes me afraid of it happening again. Should my wife ever propose an open marriage, I don't know if I would first panic or celebrate. And if I ever divorce her, she will be the reason of my very next LE, I know I love her a lot, which makes me feel even worse about having a current LO.

It's a great thing your SO knows and understands it, it's not a very common thing I believe. And thanks for you thoughts on this, and for wishing me good luck. This talk also sparked a new interest on researching non monogamous relationships, that might get my head off of LO for a while.

Edit: just bought Ethical Slut. It'll be fun (or not at all) seeing my wife's reaction when it arrives.

[L-F]

Edit: just bought Ethical Slut. It'll be fun (or not at all) seeing my wife's reaction when it arrives.

Well that's a brave conversation starter if ever I heard one!