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L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by L-F »

Out of curiosity, what advice would you give your wife if the roles were reversed? Just a thought.

As for keeping one's head? Idk! Still haven't figured that one out other than slowly inhaling and exhaling, or perhaps if you wear a wedding ring, focussing on it/touching it, as a reminder of who you want to be? Not judging. You're an adult and can do what you please. Even though men say this femme fatal stuff is powerful, be even more powerful. Flex those masculine mind muscles! Sorry, trying to tap into the masculine ego here x_x

In short, just do your best. That's all we can hope for. It's difficult to correct things after crossing boundaries, hopefully, things can go back to how they were because it sounded like you had a good friendship going on.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Kaizercrazy
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2022 11:19 pm
United States of America

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Post by Kaizercrazy »

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Last edited by Kaizercrazy on Mon Nov 28, 2022 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Zsababy »

When you told your wife that you were ok with an affair, what did she say? Just curious. Years ago, I told my BF that he could see escorts (I was secretly hoping it would help him w/his sexuality). His first response was "Are we ok?". I wasn't cheating on him yet (that started during a bipolar episode) but later was totally ok with him having affairs because I was having one.

Did she find it threatening? If I still cared about monogamy, I probably would.
Kaizercrazy
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2022 11:19 pm
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Kaizercrazy »

Zsababy wrote: Sat Nov 19, 2022 10:21 pm When you told your wife that you were ok with an affair, what did she say? Just curious. Years ago, I told my BF that he could see escorts (I was secretly hoping it would help him w/his sexuality). His first response was "Are we ok?". I wasn't cheating on him yet (that started during a bipolar episode) but later was totally ok with him having affairs because I was having one.

Did she find it threatening? If I still cared about monogamy, I probably would.
Yeah she definitely found it threatening to a degree. But My main point was ( and still is) that infidelity is an almost guarantied reality for most married couples, and that we shouldn't let something like that ruin our partnership as husband and wife. And I still feel that way. I love my wife deeply and have zero desire to leave her. But Im starting to feel like my desire to explore love, sex, and emotional connection with another woman is becoming too big to ignore
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Zsababy »

Kaizercrazy wrote: Mon Nov 21, 2022 4:07 am
Zsababy wrote: Sat Nov 19, 2022 10:21 pm When you told your wife that you were ok with an affair, what did she say? Just curious. Years ago, I told my BF that he could see escorts (I was secretly hoping it would help him w/his sexuality). His first response was "Are we ok?". I wasn't cheating on him yet (that started during a bipolar episode) but later was totally ok with him having affairs because I was having one.

Did she find it threatening? If I still cared about monogamy, I probably would.
But Im starting to feel like my desire to explore love, sex, and emotional connection with another woman is becoming too big to ignore
Man, do I hear you. That's why I'm in no position to judge. I'm in an LTR with a boyfriend who lives in a nearby city; I would never have cheated, I don't think, if I felt he could find out. That would crush him. But I started doing it when I was manic with hypersexuality aka nymphomania lol. But a guy I briefly sexted with said ,"I don't think this is just about bipolar. I think there's more going on here." I had to face reality that he was right; my relationship had long been lacking, and the sex was terrible. Once I found someone I had fun with & had the best sex of my life with, I couldn't give it up. It's incredibly selfish but I felt like I couldn't live the rest of my life with bad sex but we are best friends & support each other in every way. I'm just very, very careful. If there were real risk there, I wouldn't do it as I need a stabilizing relationship as I have a mental illness. In my defense, I do a lot to help him and support him.

I would never, ever tell him though because I don't think he could handle it. I think he can handle my limerance because it's for a famous person so there's no threat there. I've thought a lot about asking for an open relationship but that would be tantamount to admitting cheating.

I did get limerant for this guy, and considered a real relationship with him, but he didn't want more than fwb.

Although I've always been limerant, I definitely have fantasies of an ideal relationship with sublime sex & passion but that's just escapism
Kaizercrazy
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2022 11:19 pm
United States of America

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Post by Kaizercrazy »

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Last edited by Kaizercrazy on Mon Nov 28, 2022 2:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Zsababy »

No, you're not rambling at all. Very interesting thoughts & thank you for being empathetic and kind. I appreciate that.

As you may guess, I do think the chemical thing does affect our limerance greatly. It may be separate from our other issue about wanting more romantically but I do think it definitely propels the addictive thinking.

I kind of agree with you on your thoughts with the caveat that I think some people really do find the right partner while others find someone who is "good enough", ie they have some valuable qualities but there isn't a lot of spark there. I think if my partner were witty, good in bed & creative, I wouldn't go outside the relationship; I'm almost certain of that. However, he's very sweet, we almost never argue, he's comforting, intelligent, responsible & we have many things in common and we do lots of things together. It's not very stimulating but it's harmonious & we do fun stuff. And being someone who's 57 with a mental illness, that's pretty lucky to have. Very lucky, in fact. He adds a lot to my life and he tells me I do, too.

So yeah, I think getting all of those things that I want all together on one person would be like winning the lottery.
But you may be right; even some great love stories can involve cheating-- like John Lennon & Yoko. They were always singing about being soulmates but there was apparently cheating on both sides (then there's the May Pang thing!!)

But yeah. Not rambling at all. I think these thoughts are very important as we try to evaluate our emotions & decisions.
Kaizercrazy
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2022 11:19 pm
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Kaizercrazy »

Zsababy wrote: Mon Nov 21, 2022 9:17 pm I kind of agree with you on your thoughts with the caveat that I think some people really do find the right partner while others find someone who is "good enough", ie they have some valuable qualities but there isn't a lot of spark there.

So yeah, I think getting all of those things that I want all together on one person would be like winning the lottery.
Yes.... This is one of the realities I'm running into with my marriage. There was never a HUUUGE romantic spark between my wife and I.. And this is one of the things that attracted me to her. I had traditionally been attracted to (and dated) extremely attractive, erratic, and arguably "damaged" women. I know that word comes off as potentially judgmental in an misogynistic way. But I truly have always been attracted to beautiful women who seem to need help in some way. The "knight in shining armor" complex I suppose.

But with my wife... I met her at a time when I was ready to meet someone normal. someone who didn't necessarily need me. And... well.. to put this bluntly.... she's considerably less physically attractive than the women I had dated before her. And this wasn't a big deal for a very very long time. Our sex was (and still is) great, and every time I look at her my heart fills with admiration and love. But there's another side of me that has been stagnant until now.... I want to be with a beautiful woman. I want to feel the pride and ego boost that comes along with having the attention of an incredibly attractive woman. This desire feels beyond my control.... animal almost. I want the spark...and the mutual limerence that can happen between two attractive people. It's like a fucking wildfire burning everything in it's path... and I just want to burn in it. shit's wild. And for the past 9 years, I thought I had completely grown out of this childish desire. But I guess it's back. And I truly have no idea what to do about it. My body is telling me to just light my whole life on fire, watch it burn, and fuck a hot girl in the ashes. But....man... I just really don't want that to happen. there's got to be some way to do this with the least amount of collateral damage.
Kaizercrazy
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2022 11:19 pm
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Kaizercrazy »

Also for anyone who is still reading this thread.... an update.

My LO has done exactly what I predicted. Now that I've started ignoring her, she has started flirting again. following me around at work, finding reasons to come talk to me, giving me seductive looks, blah blah blah..... and with that.. I find my limerence creeping back in. I find myself wondering if maybe there is a way for something to happen between us, hoping that maybe our "dalliance" isn't actually over. I'm going to do my best to remember that she's already hurt me once and that I have zero reason to believe she won't do it a second time.....ugg.... I wish I could just view her as the narcissistic child that she's already proven herself to be.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by L-F »

Kaizercrazy wrote: Sun Nov 27, 2022 2:45 am I wish I could just view her as the narcissistic child that she's already proven herself to be.
Maybe it's your narcissistic child that's attracted to her??? Check out the vid David posted with Sam Vaknin. At any rate, you're not alone with these feelings. I'm sure many can relate to what you've shared.

A limerent brain tends to downplay consequences. Think CONSEQUENCES!!! And potential consequences. Ie a sexually transmitted disease, etc. Try explaining that to the wife! Lol... But you kind of get the idea. Put it this way, I'm sure a lot of humans would steal, be adulters, and possibly even kill if there were zero consequences.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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