I came across some feedback from my first-year supervision tutor on my psychotherapy training course. My limerence was for a peer on the course. My tutor was facilitating one of our groups when I made one of my disclosures. Yes, that’s correct, In front of 7 peers and the LO, I disclosed after she had been questioning me in the group as to why I was ghosting her after I decided to go Low Contact. It was not my finest hour.
Reading my supervisor's feedback, a decade on still takes me to that place of feeling not good enough and shame. I wanted to reproduce a few of his comments as they illustrate why disclosure is never a good idea if either person is in a committed relationship elsewhere.
You have had an interesting six months where decisions were made unilaterally that with a bit more thought could have been handled differently. I hope, and believe, that you have learnt from these experiences, and are continuing to take the questions and lessons these experiences raised to both your private supervision and to therapy as I strongly believe they happened for a reason.
Its spurned me on to make a brief video on the topic and design a disclosure matrix. Ive already made a more indepth video on disclosure and its perils in my online video training series.
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The disclosure dilemma, a matrix to help clarify
The disclosure dilemma, a matrix to help clarify
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Re: The disclosure dilemma, a matrix to help clarify
Well articulated David.
Just want to add, you mentioned towards the end your supervisor suggested that wanting to unpack limerence with LO carried with it unconscious undertones of "I want you to reciprocate".
I too believe this to be true when I was limerent. Now that I'm not, I could quite happily chat with LO about all the madness without fear of poking the bear, so to speak. In other words, I have zero interest in an intimate relationship therefore there is nothing to reciprocate other than respect and compassion.
Just want to add, you mentioned towards the end your supervisor suggested that wanting to unpack limerence with LO carried with it unconscious undertones of "I want you to reciprocate".
I too believe this to be true when I was limerent. Now that I'm not, I could quite happily chat with LO about all the madness without fear of poking the bear, so to speak. In other words, I have zero interest in an intimate relationship therefore there is nothing to reciprocate other than respect and compassion.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Re: The disclosure dilemma, a matrix to help clarify
I was thinking about this very point last night and thought i should have emphasised this more in the video as likely the main reason we want to disclose. As my tutor said, if were not looking for consummation, why the need to disclose?
Interestingly, said tutor who I have not seen or heard about for 6 years popped up in my linkedin feed yesterday
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Re: The disclosure dilemma, a matrix to help clarify
Got a chuckle out of this. Synchronicity?
It's true, disclosing won't cure limerence. Nor will consummation. But if you marry them, that will. Marriage kills all kinds of passion. Joking
Like you, I made some mistakes along the way.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Re: The disclosure dilemma, a matrix to help clarify
Its true. I think i mention in the video, attraction is where desire meets uncertainty. Esther Perel's Mating in captivity is all about this.
Marriage removes uncertainty and the passion goes. I think this happens for both men and women. We are seeing more and more men that are the lower desire partner.
The way to keep passion going in a marriage is to create just a frisson of uncertainty. It's why couples couples often report better sex when on holiday, there's more uncertainty in the air plus away from life's routine and humdremness.
And those that disclosed their limerence to their SO may have experienced hysterical bonding, driven by big doses of uncertainty. Its why swingers and open relationships report better sex lives, as there is more uncertainty.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Re: The disclosure dilemma, a matrix to help clarify
The title of Esther Perel's book as well as another book you recently posted about in the Book section reminded me of an essay on Frans De Waal's FB page called The Gendered Ape. It's fascinating. Check out essay 8. I like what they had to say about Freud's view which makes me question how many men hold this antiquated view about the female body.
For further details and references to the literature, read “Different: Gender Through the Eyes of a Primatologist” (Norton, 2022).
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Re: The disclosure dilemma, a matrix to help clarify
Thank you!
The only thing worse than a smug married couple? "Lots of smug married couples!" Bridget, Bridget Jones's Diary
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