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She Wants NC

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Burai
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Nov 06, 2014 1:05 am
United States of America

She Wants NC

Post by Burai »

So I disclosed everything to my LO a few weeks ago. She said she needed time to process everything. I woke up this morning to an email from her. She said she doesn't think we can be friends anymore and doesn't want to remain in contact. The worse part of the email is she said she was unknowingly in an emotional affair with me because I'm married. I didn't think of it that way since she didn't have any feelings for me.

I knew this was a possibility when I told her. Nevertheless, this hurts. This was my worst fear and it came true. And yes, I know it's probably best for me. Still doesn't mean I'm hurting. Between limerence, what she just said, and a crappy marriage, I'm gonna be hurting for a long time.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: She Wants NC

Post by L-F »

Hi Burai
I'm not sure what you discussed but this word jumped out at me...
Burai wrote: Fri Dec 02, 2022 3:16 pm The worse part of the email is she said she was unknowingly in an emotional affair with me because I'm married.
She was unaware of any kind of emotional connection and has pinned all the responsibility on you, IMO, seems unfair and immature. Granted she may not have any clue, as most don't, but this is where limerence steps out of the obvious and into the unknown (subconscious arena). In short, if she had an understanding of a deep emotional connection (a close friendship often shares this kind of connection whether platonic or sexual), then potentially she could realise that for her it was a genuine 'friendship' not an affair. For limerents it's an affair due to wanting more than friendship.
All that said, I haven't even touched on the subconscious part. And I won't because it goes too deep and needs a therapist to unravel. But worth reading about if interested.

Unless you're on the neuroscientific fence where the subconscious level doesn't factor.

All that aside, I'm really really sorry you're feeling pained right now. Sending a virtual hug!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: She Wants NC

Post by Zsababy »

Oh man, I'm so sorry. I wish I had a brilliant insight or advice but I got nothing...even then it wouldn't help the pain.

It's so tough when our limerances fill the voids in our lives & then when the spell breaks, we have to confront the emptiness. Perhaps there are other ways to fill the void, constructively, of course?

:ymhug:

I probably shouldn't tread here, but is the crappy marriage unfixable or a permanent necessity? Like because of kids? Are there no other choices besides limerance & an unhappy marriage? (I know, that's a huge question)
Burai
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Nov 06, 2014 1:05 am
United States of America

Re: She Wants NC

Post by Burai »

Zsababy wrote: Sat Dec 03, 2022 9:03 am I probably shouldn't tread here, but is the crappy marriage unfixable or a permanent necessity? Like because of kids?
Yes I do have kids. It's the only reason I'm still in this marriage.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: She Wants NC

Post by Zsababy »

Oh, I'm sorry. That's really a tough one. All I can say is be very gentle & kind to yourself.
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