Disclosing to SO

[anonymous888]

Hello all,

I was recently introduced to limerence and have been finding the material helpful.

My LO is a close friend and coworker I’ve know for a few years. The crush started years ago, but feelings of rejection and the intense need for reciprocation only started a little over a year ago.

LO and I have had a couple of heated conversations during which she has said she senses my need for reciprocation, and the frustration that’s caused her. Since then, she has drastically reduced the amount of contact she initiates, though she acts as if everything is normal when we interact at group events. She has said that we’d always be close friends and that this was just us being on different wavelengths.

In the last month, I’ve started having no contact with her. We would previously interact on a daily basis, now we haven’t had a real conversation in about 5 weeks. There are strong feelings of rejection and inadequacy from the fact that she hasn’t reached out to me at all. She likely has suspicions of my feelings for her.

She is happily married. As am I. I have no desire to leave my family. I realizing a healthy friendship with LO is unrealistic. I’ve been in therapy for the past year. It has been helpful, but no one has ever mentioned the term “limerence” to me. My wife knows I am experiencing depression and anxiety. She doesn’t know the specific reason. She never pries and respects my privacy. I know she trusts me and has said in the past that she knows I would never be unfaithful.

My wife and I recently began couples counseling to help us with some communication issues. We both agree it’s very productive and both of us believe our relationship is strong.

I feel bad keeping this from my wife. My wife and LO are friendly - we’ve been on double dates and vacation together. They’ve hung out themselves as well. I’m afraid of my wife’s reaction. She is not the jealous type but I know hearing this (and the extent of the obsession) would be devastating to anyone.

My wife and I tell each other every thing. I’m sure she has noticed that I’ve been spending less time with LO and have been talking about her less at home. I don’t know if she’s put two and two together.

Do I tell my wife now? Do I wait until I have had a better handle on having NC before disclosing? Do I ever disclose? Would appreciate any advice from your own personal experiences.

[Zsababy]

Hmmm, that's a tough one. I'm not married so I hesitate to advise, but I can tell you what I'd do. At the very least, wait till you've got some better handle on the communication issues in couples counseling -- I wouldn't pile on too many problems at once. But if it were me, I would not.

I'm in an LTR for almost 14 years-- I never told him of my limerances. Not sure why. I guess I hoped they'd turn into a relationship & that I'd end ours. But I usually knew that wasn't the case. I just knew it would hurt him & I figured, what would it gain? It wasn't something that involved him, so why put that on him? I chose instead to work on being a better girlfriend -- more supportive etc.

The only time I've disclosed to my SO is my current one, which is for a famous musician so there is no real threat there as nothing will ever happen. I didn't tell him of the intensity of my emotions-- no need to. He basically said"as long as you don't runoff with him", which was a gentle joke as of course that wouldn't happen. I'm bipolar, so we both take it in that context

Others will probably tell you that you need full honesty in your marriage. But the thing is, if you feel that it will devastate her & your limerance isn't going anywhere & you're not acting on it, I'm not sure I see the gains of it. To be honest, I also don't believe in confessing affairs, which puts me in the minority. But here's why: I believe people do it to unburden their guilt-- so it's mainly about them feeling bad about a secret. So, maybe it will make you feel better but they'll feel like shit--how is that helping them? You're just doing it to feel better about yourself; you're not helping them in any way. My opinion is that with any kind of infidelity, it's your cross to bear & you have to carry the guilt. I say this in the context of my cheating (my BF & I don't live together, he's in another city & we see each other once or twice a month). I will never, ever tell him as I know I would hurt him deeply. Instead, I try to make sure I'm not neglecting him, which was tough at first as I was. When I feel guilty, it's just what I have to live with. (My story is very complicated & I won't go into it here)

Other people will vehemently disagree with me, but that's my take

[L-F]

Disclosing to your SO is entirely up to you. There is no easy 'out' whether you do or don't. Going by your description about sharing with your wife, I'm wondering if the anxiety and shame are related to the non-sharing as opposed to the topic of limerence? What has your therapist suggested about the situation?

I disclosed to hubby because whether it killed the relationship or strengthened it, I knew deep down that I'd survive and the truth would set me free from that horrid bottled-up feeling of not being authentic to my values. In short, I would have continued life knowing I was deceiving myself first and foremost.

As for your situation, you'll have to decide what your boundaries are. Good luck and welcome to the forum!

[Zsababy]

Yes, it's definitely hard to keep that secret, for sure. It does make you feel weird & there is a strong argument to be made for this secret to be creating distance in relationships in general. Keeping a secret has its downsides.

[L-F]

It does make you feel weird & there is a strong argument to be made for this secret to be creating distance in relationships in general. Keeping a secret has its downsides.

True.
Though I agree disclosure to alleviate guilt can be viewed as being selfish.

The way I viewed it, in terms of my relationship, if I can't go to hubby with something that is troubling me (and limerence troubled me), then I was in the wrong relationship, and if my disclosure ended the relationship then that would free me up to find the right relationship. I value honesty as does hubby. Often you'll hear it's the secrets that hurt more than the cheating by those who have been cheated on.

Anon888, you'll have to find the right path for you.

[Zsababy]

I think I'd be more honest with my BF if I felt he could take it. He's very insecure & inexperienced and I'm only the second GF he's had & we're in our 50s. His last GF was in the early 90s. For me, I just feel like I know that my limerance won't be cured. I don't think it's just a symptom of relationship problems; I've always been this way & always will be.

I'm sure Anon will work it out as well. Be interesting to hear David's take- I'm sure he'd go with honesty

[L-F]

Oh I'm not saying people have to be honest, that's their karma. I'm just saying how I reacted, and will continue to react should I find myself troubled. Personally I don't feel one needs to tell SO everything on their mind. If I did. I'd turn SO insane for sure! He'd admit himself and ask they throw away the key.

[L-F]

I don't think it's just a symptom of relationship problems;

I don't either. I think it's a symptom of one's own problems... that trickles over into the relationship at one point or another.

Good for you for protecting your bf, that shows your strength and understanding of what makes you you.