My story (a long read!)

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
User avatar
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2022 7:21 pm
Location: Northern Germany

Re: My story (a long read!)

Post by Estelyen »

Another update: Duyen just passed her exam with excellent marks and has now started work in the same department as me. It's not as bad as it could have been, because her office is at the very opposite end of the long department floor from mine, so I guess we won't be seeing each other EVERY day.

That said, the first thing our department head has tasked her with is a multi-week training course under my supervision. So for the first few weeks, it's going to be very difficult for me and then probably get a little better once that course is finished.

Since Christmas last year, I think I got better at not showing it, but if I'm totally honest, I'm still in a deep, dark pit because of what I learned that day. The worst broken heart that I have ever felt. Last year until Christmas, I thought I would eventually be able to cope with my situation, but Christmas made it so much worse. Next week, Linh will be away for a week and I think I'm going to use that time to try and get some sort of professional help. Because I've been suffering from depression once before. It was because of a totally different cause back then, but I recognize the symptoms enough to realize that I might be experiencing the onset of depression and I don't want to go down that route again. I consider my mental state to be much stronger than last time, but that only means that I have the strength to seek out help before it is too late and my depression drags me down into despair like it did last time.

L-F wrote: Mon Dec 26, 2022 10:28 pm I'm not sure you are suffering from limerence, but if you were, I have not read of one single case of an LS & LO living happily ever after. Think of it as limerence killing any kind of long-term union. IMO, it's likely that limerence will fade, and then you're left with reality. That's because limerence is an illusion, imo. people wake up eventually.

If you are not happy in your current relationship, do you think the best and kindest thing to do is seperate so that your SO can find someone who is fully present with her giving her their best self? Do you feel she deserves that? Im curious, Im not suggesting that you separate. I'm wondering if your heart is invested in your current relationship because if it isn't, then two people are missing out not just one.
Well, I'm not happy in my relationship with Linh and that started even before I met Duyen. If Linh found someone else that fits her better than I do, preferably in this same area where we live, I would be very glad. Because that would mean that she won't throw her career out of the window when we separate, which we probably will do in the not too distant future. My heart is not invested in this relationship at all anymore, but I must not cancel it either, for the reasons I have given in my long introductory post. At least not yet, I hope to be able to keep it going until she has finished her apprenticeship.

As for if I'm suffering from limerence or not, we just recently received a mail from Dr. David Perl about how it differs from love. Let me go through the aspects mentioned in it and analyze my own feelings in comparison with those:
Dr. Perl: "Limerence is primarily focused on the other person, whereas love is focused on both the other person and the relationship as a whole. When someone is experiencing limerence, they are often consumed by thoughts and feelings about the other person and are preoccupied with their own needs and desires. In contrast, when someone is in love, they are more focused on the relationship and the well-being of both partners. They are willing to make sacrifices and compromises for the sake of the relationship."
On this point, I'm standing on something of a middle ground: I often feel consumed by thoughts and feelings about Duyen, but on the other hand, I also care for what she wants and would make sacrifices and compromises if we could somehow form a closer relationship.
Dr. Perl: "Limerence is often driven by a need for validation and acceptance, whereas love is driven by a genuine connection and understanding between two people. When someone is experiencing limerence, they often seek validation and acceptance from the other person and may be willing to compromise their own values and beliefs to gain their attention. In contrast, when someone is in love, they are more focused on building a genuine connection and understanding with the other person and are less concerned with seeking validation and acceptance."
Again, both of these are true for me. It would be so amazing if Duyen accepted my feelings and I often find myself on the verge of texting random BS into our chat group, subconsciously trying to get her attention and always have to stop myself from doing it. But again, on the other hand, if we ever were to get closer than now, I would be more than happy to get to know her feelings and wishes better and respect them, so it would enable us to forge a true connection. Of course, that is not possible at the moment, because we are just friends and I don't think I will reveal it to her that I wish there were more than that.
Dr. Perl: "Limerence is often associated with a lack of emotional maturity and a lack of self-awareness, whereas love is associated with emotional maturity and self-awareness. When someone is experiencing limerence, they may struggle to understand and control their own emotions, and may be more focused on the other person’s emotions and reactions. In contrast, when someone is in love, they are more in tune with their own emotions and are better able to understand and manage them. They also have a better understanding of themselves, which enables them to build a healthy and mature relationship."
I don't exactly struggle to understand or control my emotions, although as I said above, I do feel like I should get some help for the onset of depression. However, I am VERY focused on her emotions and reactions, aleays trying to read a maybe hidden meaning behind every one of her actions. I do realize that this is just hopeful thinking, though.
Dr. Perl: "Limerence is often a temporary state that lasts for a few weeks or months, whereas love can last a lifetime. Limerence is characterized by intense emotions and physical attraction that can fade over time, whereas love is characterized by a deep emotional bond that can grow and strengthen over time."
I also read that the duration of limerence can vary wildly. I've been having this feeling for over 16 months now. It grew and faded a coule of times over its course. So I don't actually know which end of the spectrum I would belong to here.
Dr. Perl: "Limerence is often characterized by feelings of insecurity and jealousy, whereas love is characterized by feelings of trust and security. When someone is experiencing limerence, they may be prone to feelings of insecurity and jealousy, and may be overly concerned about the other person’s actions and intentions. In contrast, when someone is in love, they are more likely to trust and feel secure in the relationship, and are less concerned with the other person’s actions and intentions."
I have never been jealous before. It's true! I never felt that either of the two life-partners I've had in my life was in some way "my property". They are free people just like any of us. If they found someone they were happier with than with me, I would never have begrudged them. But with Duyen, I think for the first time, I do feel a slight pang of jealousy for the first time. Not while she was with Jonas though! He was a great guy and I knew that they were a great couple, so I was fine with it, even while still aching for her affection at the same time. Now with her new boyfriend that I still don't know, I realize that I'm sad when I imagine her being with this other guy that I don't know. That's why I aksed her to bring him along next time: I do trust her judgement, so I guess he must be another great guy just like Jonas. But I don't know that for sure, especially since I have the impression that she is laughing a lot less like when she was with Jonas. So I feel like I want to get to know him, if only to lay my concerns to rest.

So maybe I'm not in limerence, but what does it really matter? I cannot divulge my feelings to her and as long as they go unrequited and have to stay hidden, they might as well be limerence.
Posts: 4056
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My story (a long read!)

Post by L-F »

Yay to passing her exams! Sorry haven't read entire post. congrats to Duyen!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Post Reply