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Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
David
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by David »

maybe country specific? Ive just returned from India and tiktok is banned there

if you look for marriedtherapists on tiktok you can find us there
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by L-F »

David wrote: Fri Mar 24, 2023 5:22 pm maybe country specific? Ive just returned from India and tiktok is banned there

That's interesting as it's not banned here and yet the link on the forum was. Has the forum set up certain rules I wonder? Anyway, I access toktik from time to time since I have an account, but thought I'd mention it since readers may wonder what the link was to.

I'm guessing the link was on 'Disclosure' from your 'marriedtherapists' tiktok acc.

Worth a look! I enjoy your toktok David (though I like setting time boundaries because I could be on it all day watching dog training clips).


@StillLimerent im wondering if you could ask your therapist about 'Positioning'. It's an eye-opening theory. In short, sending the letter will position LO to either respond or not.

Taken from wiki:
"Deliberate self positioning: A person assumes a specific position with the intention of portraying something in a particular manner, regardless of its factual accuracy, in order to achieve a specific outcome or strategy."
Then there is forced positioning of others.

I'm curious to know if you will be okay if they do or don't respond.

Will your mind be tortured by the question
"Did they read it?"
Or
"why aren't they responding?"

I'm hoping that by sending a letter it ends your mental chatter/torture, but I question whether it will add to it.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by Zsababy »

I agree with L-F; I think sending it will cause more fixated anguish.
StillWonky
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillWonky »

Sorry for the limbo pain you're in. Personally, I wouldn't recommend sending a disclosure letter. I'm an avoidant and I received one of those letters once. It was not a nice feeling for me. It felt like someone carrying heavy bags came up to me and dumped the bags at my feet and said "Can you carry this now?" I do understand why he had to do it, because we were best friends and we obviously couldn't be anymore, given his feelings. But it didn't give him closure and we ended up arguing for months. Obviously your situation is not mine and I can't say how it would turn out, but I've heard enough disclosure horror stories on here to know they mostly don't go well.

My LO gave me all the signals he was interested but never asked me out and I was really confused. So I eventually did something completely out of character and asked him out for a drink. I think there may have even been other people watching at the time. He pulled a mock sad face and said "Sorry, I can't". It was very cringy and embarrassing. Normally, shame and embarrassment is a great motivator for me to spur me forwards, but limerence for some reason seems very different in that regard. I just created myself another limbo state and he continued to flirt with me. Limerence for me just set new higher levels for how much shame and embarrassment I could handle.

I've just been through a break up that had lots of shame and embarrassment on my part and it's doing it's bit to help me move forwards, painful though it is. Just saying that to show that, for me, limerence seems to be a very different beast and doesn't work in the same way as other relationships.
David
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by David »

StillWonky wrote: Sat Mar 25, 2023 12:05 pm Just saying that to show that, for me, limerence seems to be a very different beast and doesn't work in the same way as other relationships.
I would say that's the same for every limerent relationship, any possibility of healthy communication is pretty much zero
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Zsababy
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by Zsababy »

David wrote: Sat Mar 25, 2023 3:25 pm
StillWonky wrote: Sat Mar 25, 2023 12:05 pm Just saying that to show that, for me, limerence seems to be a very different beast and doesn't work in the same way as other relationships.
I would say that's the same for every limerent relationship, any possibility of healthy communication is pretty much zero
The one time I disclosed I came off like a total nutcase, I'm sure. When you're limerant, you just have no sense of proportion; everything is extreme and over the top & will only drive them away. It's just embarrassing all around.
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ireneadler
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by ireneadler »

I read this somewhere, but can’t find the source. The quote helps me to stop whenever I want to re-disclose. (The first disclosure was vague, but still shouldn’t have been done as I work closely every day with LO and want to keep my job.)

“Yes, your feelings are strong and you are bursting to share them, but think about the impact on other people. While they remain in your head, those thoughts and fantasies are yours alone. Once they are spoken and out in the world, you have taken a positive action that compromises other relationships. There may be circumstances that we can dream up where that might be an ethically defensible act, but most of the time it is a selfish need for validation by LO at the expense of your integrity. Your decision to share intimate emotional secrets with LO is an act that makes them complicit in the deceit of either their SO, your SO, or both.”
40 something, married with kids
LO is a married with kids co-worker
David
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by David »

ireneadler wrote: Sat Apr 22, 2023 2:31 am
“Yes, your feelings are strong and you are bursting to share them, but think about the impact on other people. While they remain in your head, those thoughts and fantasies are yours alone. Once they are spoken and out in the world, you have taken a positive action that compromises other relationships. There may be circumstances that we can dream up where that might be an ethically defensible act, but most of the time it is a selfish need for validation by LO at the expense of your integrity. Your decision to share intimate emotional secrets with LO is an act that makes them complicit in the deceit of either their SO, your SO, or both.”
great quote and 100% true, disclosure is a selfish act
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Khemica
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by Khemica »

I just wanted to respond when I read your original post because it sounds such a similar situation to my own. My LE started when I returned to work after being out of employment for bereavement; my husband died unexpectedly on Valentines Day 2022. My best friend also died of bowel cancer in 2022; the worse year of my life. I was drowning financially so had to find a job so this one came up. Not my normal career but I just needed a job I could cope with at the time.

My LO is a work colleague and is married. The attraction I have for him is not reciprocated and I don’t have much contact with him at work; we work in different departments so I was admiring him from afar. It started out as I thought he was a nice looking fella and it was just a silly work crush. However, over 7 months, the thoughts & fantasies I had about him in my mind intensified so much that they completely took over my life and possibly some of my sanity; I knew I could never have him and to be honest, I don’t think I really wanted him - I don’t want someone else’s man, that’s not usually me, but it was the idea of him. I fancied him that much and in my mind, it was telling me I wanted to f*** him. It became utterly life debilitating; I couldn’t think of anything else and it started to really get me down and depressed. I didn’t want these invasive thoughts and feelings; I just wanted to get on and be normal but they just wouldn’t stop. It was like 1000 fantasies about him exploding in my mind at once - they take their mental toll.

I cracked one day - my head was an absolute mess so I set out to disclose my feelings - not because I hoped that he would feel the same, I knew that I had zero chance; but I just had all this stuff built up in my head over 7 months that I wanted to say to him, and I thought if I’d offloaded them and asked him out for a drink, I knew that I would 99% get rejection and then it would kill the limerence. Hoping then I could move forward.

The thing is; I find it very very difficult to be anywhere near my LO as he makes me go really really really hot, speechless, my heartbeat races and I just lose my head - that’s the physical effect he had on me. I was in such a state on the day I disclosed to him, that when I was stood in-front of him with all this stuff I wanted to say, i realised that I had nothing to say to him at all!. I didn’t say anything; the words didn’t come out - if anything, I just made myself look like a fool. All I managed to say is I wanted the intense thoughts & fantasies to stop. I got back in my car and drove off.

It was awkward at work after. LO actually reported me to our Manager; who was ok with me - they just didn’t know how to handle it. I was honest and upfront with them about being limerent. Manager didn’t really understand but it was left as that. However, for a week or so after I had to endure gossip going around that I’m a stalker and a psycho coz LO had told others what happened and twisted the story that I was trying to get with him when that wasn’t my aim at all. It really pissed me off. LO showed his true colours for what he really is and this massively helped to clear the mist of Limerence. I hated that other colleagues were talking about me; laughing behind my back but with the help & and encouragement of my friends, I held my head up high and still rocked up to work every day with a smile. It was hard but I wasn’t letting LO win.

I’m about 6 weeks on from my disclosure attempt now and yeah it’s been feckin hard having to defend myself, but, in our workplace gossip is rife and I am now so last months!. It’s all moved on and chilled out now and yes, I am not going to deny that I still have an element of fancy & attraction for my LO, but, it’s no way near like it was. I don’t have intense thoughts and feelings for him anymore - I feel like I have moved forward and I have clawed my life back. I’m so much happier - but even though it was a foolish, drastic act to try and disclose to LO, if I hadn’t done I’d still be stuck in that same limerent limbo that was really dragging me down. My mental health is so much better now; my mind is clear.

I do understand now how disclosing can cause upset to the LO too, and possibly any SO of LO, though in the midst of limerence, you can’t think of anything else or see past that. What I did was impulsive, but I’m naturally an impulsive person anyway and I wish I had stepped back and thought it through more, I would have done things differently, but hey. No regrets. Extreme situations require extreme measures, and for me at that time of disclosure, it was extreme.
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