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Thoughts?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

There has been debates on here about whether one should 'disclose' to their SO. Some are for it, some are against it. Perhaps step back a little to give yourself space (head space) and don't do anything while emotionally charged that you could regret down the line.

I'm not here to beat you up :D I'm pointing out things to consider.

The way I see it, you've done NOTHING wrong. Nothing. Limerence is it's own kind of disease, and yes, romantic thoughts can be a part of it.
You are clearly pained by what is going on, and it's this pain, I wonder if can be shared with your wife? Not so much the nitty gritty thoughts that run thru most limerents heads, but the condition itself. By the sounds of it your wife knows but doesn't want to be constantly reminded. Is this correct?
Is there a way to address that this condition (so to speak) is akin to a broken part of self, like a broken leg or a broken mind, something that needs a loving supportive nurturing environment to heal from? That's the angle I was coming from.

But you know your wife and life best, so...

Keep journalling, im sure it will help others too!

Ps, just so that you know my position, I disclosed to SO in order to seek his support to help me get over this thing (limerence) that I hated so much.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

I see what you're saying, L-F. I hope I didn't come across as feeling attacked. I really don't. You're definitely giving me a lot to think about and I need to hear from someone besides myself. Sometimes the truth hurts but it's what I need to hear. It's been very helpful for me to have you and others give it to me straight. I get so overwhelmed with my emotions on this and I need to think rationally. I especially appreciate your understanding of what I'm going through.
These past couple months I've been torn between my feelings for these two women that are so very special to me. One is the one I promised to spend my life with, the other became a very special friend to me. Somewhere along the line I blurred the two together. I'm still reeling from how quickly my feelings escalated for my LO, only to have my legs kicked out from under me unexpectedly. I really, really didn't see it coming. I know I talk about "that day" so much, maybe too much. I've never been hurt that badly by someone I cared about. I don't believe it was intentional but it still stings two months later. I just wish I knew for sure what happened. I don't know why I can't just be thankful for the friendship we had. Maybe I just can't bring myself to accept that she's gone. I guess I feel like I owe her something for all the good she did for me. I want her to know what she meant to me. I can't explain it. I only knew her for three months but I care so very deeply about her. I think about her all day and night, then dream about her. Some days I want to be her friend. Others I want to be with her. I know that neither will happen. I just hate the uncertainty of what happened at the end. I relive every moment every day, overthinking every single moment we had. It scares me how much I feel for this woman. It scares me that I have to live the rest of my life without her. It scares me that I may have done something to offend her that last day. It scares me to think about her thinking poorly of me for the rest of her life. I know these are irrational thoughts. I drive myself crazy thinking that I need to "make things right". I've tried so many ways to get over this. Back when I first realized how out of control I was becoming, I wrote her a "letter" describing my feelings to her then telling her why we couldn't work. Didn't send it and never intended to, but it worked for a while. I made a list of her qualities and flaws. Same results. I paid attention to her at work to see what things about her I might find annoying, trying to see her as imperfect. The good far outweighed the bad. The good made me want her more.The bad I was easily able to overlook. I told my wife about the crush, thinking it would make me realize how silly I was being. I've had crushes on other women before, and we both understand that we will inevitably find other people attractive from time to time. Just as long as we don't ACT on it. Before now, I've never felt such a strong urge to act. She teased me a couple of times about this one, which I assured her didn't mean anything. I thought it didn't. I knew I was in trouble one night when we were listening to a love song while driving and she (my wife) tried to hold my hand. My LO came to mind and I imagined it being about us, instead. I couldn't help myself and I tried in vain to fight it. Unfortunately, my wife read the far-off expression on my face and asked me if I was thinking about my crush instead. She's known me long enough to know when I'm somewhere else in my mind. I tried to deny it but she knew I was lying. God, that was a terrible night. We eventually talked it out and I promised her that it was a fleeting crush. I really, really meant it. She forgave me. I don't think I've ever hurt her as bad as I did that night. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. I was so very angry at myself. Once we got things talked out, she asked that I not mention my crush for a while. Since then, I'm afraid to bring up any memory of her or even her name. It's hard because I have a lot of fond stories of her that I like to recall. She was a great friend to me, after all. And I don't have very many friends right now. Before she went from a silly crush to my LO, I even thought it'd be fun for them to meet. I thought they'd get along great. Now I can't even mention her without potentially hurting my wife. I hate that sad look in her eyes any time I do. I said before if roles were reversed I'd feel the same. I want to tell her that I'm still reeling from these feelings. I don't know how to tell her, or if I should, about how torn up inside I feel right now. L-F, I want so badly to tell her that I'm still hurting over my LO and that I need her to be there for me. I don't know how to get over these romantic feelings. My last night of work, where I missed seeing my LO, I came home sobbing. I didn't want to tell my wife why I was crying. But I couldn't stop. I told her. Much to my everlasting surprise, she didn't judge. She didn't get angry. She just held me and cried for me, too. She said she hated seeing me sad. I hated that I was crying from heartbreak over someone else. I really thought by now that I'd be better. I think she believes I'm getting better. I'm afraid that if I tell her that I'm still thinking about and crying over my LO that it'll break her heart again. I'm so very thankful she forgave me for everything else so far. I don't deserve her. I just can't stand the thought of hurting her again. But I hate feeling like I have to hide my emotional breakdowns. I feel like I'm lying to her. It feels like I'm cheating on her with my LO in the next room. I feel like she can read my mind when I tell her I'm fine. Like she's going to call me out again. I want to at least tell her that I need support. I believe I need to. Maybe not tell her everything, but at least let her know I'm still hurting. She HAS to be aware that something is going on. She knows me too well. I'd want her to tell me if she was going through something as painful as this so I could be there for her. I just don't know how to bring it up. I'm racking my brain for a way to present it truthfully but gently. So I'm dealing with the stress of that, the depression from no longer interacting with my LO, unrequited love for my LO that seems to be intensifying and fear of hurting the only woman I SHOULD be in love with.
Extremely long story short, I'm doing my best to take a pause before acting any further. I realize how emotionally charged I got with my last post. Thank you again, L-F, for your support and understanding. You've made me feel less bad about myself. :) I know I've screwed up but I also know this is a disease I'm dealing with. Healing is going to take time and effort. Once again I wrote a book here. I can't help it. Once I get started it's like a tidal wave. I promise to take a breather and think things over before doing anything. Right now I should put this out of my mind and try to go to sleep.
L-F
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

I empathize with your predicament because you certainly don't want to cause your wife more pain which makes it tough even to bring up the subject. It's a shame limerence is viewed as a crush/infatuation.

Could you bring up the term limerence and reassure your wife that limerence has very little to do with LO? Wasn't it nice that your wife was able to support you in your moment of heartbreak?

I completely understand your focus when you write, which is about LO, LO, LO... However, have you given it any thought that limerence ISN'T about LO? And if it isn't about LO, have you questioned what it's really about? Lets point at LO, now turn that finger around. Yes, you guessed it! Limerence is about YOU.

It takes time to switch the lens in which you view limerence because when in the thick of it it is difficult to see beyond LO.

So, if you have a better grasp on what limerence is, then you may be in a better position to talk with your wife. Because essentially you won't be hurting her and making it all about LO. In fact, LO becomes insignificant (even though the feelings remain) while the focus switches to healing (self & relationships).
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by Zsababy »

L-F wrote: Tue Mar 28, 2023 12:18 am
Could you bring up the term limerence and reassure your wife that limerence has very little to do with LO? Wasn't it nice that your wife was able to support you in your moment of heartbreak?

I completely understand your focus when you write, which is about LO, LO, LO... However, have you given it any thought that limerence ISN'T about LO? And if it isn't about LO, have you questioned what it's really about? Lets point at LO, now turn that finger around. Yes, you guessed it! Limerence is about YOU.

It takes time to switch the lens in which you view limerence because when in the thick of it it is difficult to see beyond LO.

So, if you have a better grasp on what limerence is, then you may be in a better position to talk with your wife. Because essentially you won't be hurting her and making it all about LO. In fact, LO becomes insignificant (even though the feelings remain) while the focus switches to healing (self & relationships).
Definitely. Here are some caused that I've heard of:
1. Trying to fill in unmet needs from childhood, or childhood trauma and being primed for seeking unrequited love, such as an absent or dysfunctional parent.
2. That we feel that if the LO was in our lives, we'd be the best person we can be; that our LO brings out the best in us.
3. That the LO has some (or several) quality that we would like to see in ourselves.
4. Tacking onto 3, that getting reciprocation from them confirming that we have the qualities we want. For example, my LO is a successful creative in multiple fields, which is what I'd like to be (or at least in one field). I have fantasies about him being impressed by my art & writing & that we are a successful creative couple.

Do any of these resonate with you?
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

@L-F I'm so very thankful my wife was there for me. I don't know what I would've done if she had reacted any other way. I don't know if I could've handled any further pain. As far as bringing up limerence, I see you told your SO. Can I ask how you brought it up? I'm not asking for a script or anything; just a general idea. I'm so confused by what's going on in my head and I'm not sure how to begin explaining it. I have definitely been trying to look at this from another perspective. I've spent a lot of time reflecting. For too long I have been asking why it is I can't let my obsession go. I believe the real issue could be why don't I WANT to let her go? It's only causing me pain and heartache. I'd be so much better off just moving on. Yet I have a mental death grip on it. I refuse to let myself think about something else. Why do I insist that things must be made "right"? Why isn't my wife enough for me? Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I insist on hurting myself again every day? Am I replaying these events to punish myself for my feelings? Is it because she made me feel so special when I was in a bad emotional state and I miss how that felt? Is it because I dont know when I'll meet someone again who gave me such an emotional high? Am I punishing myself because I feel like it's all my fault that she's not in my life? Why have I projected such importance on someone I only knew for a short while? What is lacking in my life that I believe this other person could have given me? I don't have answers yet but I'm at least thinking about it.
@Zsababy Honestly, to answer your question, all of the above. I mentioned earlier how my relationship with my dad wasn't the best and how it's difficult for me to have lasting friendships. As a result, it's hard for me to open up to new people. I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life, but have rarely felt comfortable telling anyone. Most people, when I tried, didn't understand. I got the whole "just cheer up/things could be worse/you just gotta be more positive" talks. So I've kept it to myself. I have very little romantic experience. I only ever had one girlfriend despite my efforts (the woman I married). So many instances of unrequited feelings. For a long time I questioned what was wrong with me. Why I wasn't good enough. I had plenty of girls I knew, but could never gain their interest. Still don't know how I landed my wife but I'm thankful for her every day. Yet I find myself sometimes wondering what I "missed out on" by only being with one woman ever. Not saying it's ok that I think that. I'm not nearly as successful in my life and career as I had hoped to be. I know I've made mistakes that haunt me. That's another source of my depression. Others my age are well into their careers, have kids, lots of close friends they've known for years, etc. Even my siblings are doing better. I often feel judged by people in my life, even though I have no evidence of it. I shouldn't be comparing myself to any of them, I know. I guess I believe that by being with this other woman, I could experience so many things I haven't yet. Or maybe she represents what my life could have been. From what I know of her, she's very successful at what she does, seems to have her act together and is very confident. She's had at least some similar life experiences as me. I guess there are qualities about her that I wish I had. I guess I believe that if we were together she could help me improve myself. In my own fantasies, she'd support my endeavors, my creative works, push me to improve myself and I would do everything I could to make her happy. Since we worked in similar areas we would understand each other so well. And of course she'd always make me feel as special as she did when we first met. Or so I tell myself. My wife does support me and pushes me to improve. I do my best to make her happy. She treats me so much better than I deserve. Maybe it's the idea of someone "new" that attracts me so much. But if I can't stay faithful to my actual wife, who's to say my desired person would be enough for me? How long before I found yet another LO? When would it end? I don't know. The problem is definitely me. I just don't know where to start fixing it. Not sure how well I've addressed any questions but you've given me alot to think about for sure.
L-F
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

HelpWithGOLO wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 5:52 pm As far as bringing up limerence, I see you told your SO. Can I ask how you brought it up?
I'm not sure if your LO was a male whether it would make talking about limerence any easier. My LO was a female.
Anyway, I told SO that this thing called limerence was causing me mental torture and I wanted to fight it. Would he be able to support me? Keep in mind I wasn't scared of being divorced because deep down I knew if he wasn't able to support me then perhaps my relationship wasn't as strong and caring as I thought.
I see you have a fear (another thread) of being on your own. I didn't.
Also, I didn't give him details nor did I talk about LO but made it about a mental illness. Down the track, when I did give him details of things she did, we discussed it as if the limerence was happening to someone else.

Not everyone discloses to their SO. it's debatable whether you should or not. I'd like to see Ruth's feedback on what it was like when David disclosed.

I disclosed because I felt that that's what partners are for, to lean on in troubled times.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Yeah, I'm still debating with myself about disclosure. I appreciate your insight. I wasn't even sure how to begin. I didn't do a very good job at first in trying to disclose my crush. I was incredibly nervous but I felt it was the right thing to do. I'm still struggling to understand myself what is going on with me now so trying to explain it to someone else will be so hard. For now, I'm thinking it over. What to say and IF I should.
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Things are changing for me. Not sure exactly what it means. Weeks ago, my LO disappeared unexpectedly from my life. I broke down crying at work. I was inconsolable. Thankfully it was my last day. But it was also my last chance to see her. I haven't felt like myself since. I can't go near that workplace or hear its name and not feel a lump in my throat. But I'm starting to experience something new. I find myself wishing sometimes that I had never met her in the first place. Is that weird? Is it wrong of me? Not saying she's a terrible person or anything. She's a sweet, friendly, loveable person. I'm just so sick of being ruled by my obsession over her. I want to be able to go places and not wonder if she's nearby. I want to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night and not wonder if she's doing the same. I miss my life before this all began. I was happy. I enjoyed my life. It wasn't perfect, but I enjoyed it. I could sleep at night. My wife was the only woman I wanted to be with. No headaches. No twinges in my chest each week from bad memories. I wasn't fighting tears all the time. I wasn't hiding secret feelings for another woman. I had depression and anxiety sometimes but I was managing. This experience has caused me to lose so much progress. I get so depressed thinking about her and I can't stop.
Please understand. I am in no way trying to blame HER for my problems. I hope I'm not coming across that way. She didn't do anything wrong. She isn't responsible for how I feel. I can only be be upset with myself. Too bad I can't go NC from my own mind. :(
It was I who overthought about her every interaction with me. It was I who became infatuated. It was I who began having these wildly inappropriate fantasies. I'm the one who ignored all the warning signs and kept pushing. If I had never met her, I wouldn't have lost my mind like I have. I'd be a lot better off. At the same time, I hate thinking like that because she really did try to befriend me. I feel like we had a special connection. I can't explain it exactly. I'll always be grateful for her kindness to me. She came along at a time I really needed someone. For many reasons, I am also glad that I met her. I have a lot of pleasant memories. I just wish I had had more self-control. Things could've been so much different. In my desperation to make a friend, I feel that I tried too hard to make her like me back. It's something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I wish I could stop beating myself up over this. If I'd never met her, I wouldn't have to be here writing this. It's so hard because at the same time, I really care about her. Sometimes it scares me how much, actually. Which makes me wonder about her all day, which makes me miss her, and so on. I feel love for her. Yet I don't want this terrible pain inside that has come with it. The depression, the anxiety, the heartache, the sense of loss, that I am a terrible person... I want to have a clear head again. I want to live my life again. I need to be able to live without her. I wish I could just think of her as a past friend and move on. But I don't know how when I "see" her everywhere. And it gets to me every time. I see women with her hair or eye color. A smile like hers. Being friendly toward me like she was. Dressed similar to her. Similar facial features. Even my wife has a lot of similar features, especially how they both smile. Sometimes, when I look at her, it's like I'm looking at both women at once. This is all driving me crazy. I know a couple of women who are engaged and that makes me think of her. Same when I meet mothers with children. I wish I had never met her because I wouldn't know what I'm missing. The fact that I have such strong feelings toward her and can never do anything about it just kills me. I keep waiting for the feelings to start fading but who knows how long that will take. If anything, they seem to just be getting stronger. I don't feel angry or anything toward her. I just miss her so much. I hope she's very happy and doing well. I try to focus on the positives of our brief time together. I just can't erase the sadness I feel now. As I've said many times now, if we'd never met, I would not have had the chance to end up here. I don't know how rational that thought is. Maybe my LE was inevitable. If not her, maybe eventually it would have been someone else. I've wasted so much time and energy over this. I can't change what happened. She was never meant to be mine and I shouldn't have entertained the fantasy as much as I did. But the damage is done. I guess all I can do for now is allow time to heal. I hope this makes sense. I know I tend to ramble.
StillWonky
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by StillWonky »

It really sounds like you need a friend. Friendships are really important. I wonder if you developed one if the feelings would ease off?
L-F
Posts: 4500
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

Your special connection is called limerence, and yes, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. That goes to show you how unimportant she really is. Everyone thinks their LO is the ONE. Until the next one, and the next one comes along.
I can see it's a terribly difficult time for you.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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