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Can This Take Years to Get Over?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Pattihopeful
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Pattihopeful »

Thanks Zsa Zsa baby. He never threatened to tell but I have always felt yucky that he knows so much.

I agree about not telling him to do this to anyone else. Yes no contact would be best.
Last edited by Pattihopeful on Mon Apr 03, 2023 2:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Pattihopeful
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Pattihopeful »

Thank you LF.
Last edited by Pattihopeful on Thu Mar 30, 2023 11:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Zsababy
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Zsababy »

Maybe with the panic reaction ask yourself "what's the worst that could happen?" Panic over things that are not real dangers usually involves catastrophic thinking. What would you lose? A distraction from your marriage and questions about your life? You will have to deal with these things eventually, and as David pointed out, these kinds of fixations often involve escape and avoidance. I know mine does because I find my life and relationship to be lacking.

Maybe ask yourself what need does this limerance fulfill and can you fulfill it another way. I'm struggling with meeting unmet needs but being aware of it is half the battle. If we keep telling ourselves that our lives would be empty without the LO, then we're forgetting that we probably weren't doing that bad before them, it's just that they represent some unmet need or aspiration.
Pattihopeful
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Pattihopeful »

Zsa Zsa baby that makes so much sense. Catastrophic thinking. What will I actually be losing? I really need to ponder all of this. Thank you!
JupiterTaco
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by JupiterTaco »

My longest limerence for a person was four years for high school LO. I mean there were periods when it waxed and waned, usually based around whether I saw him regularly or not. I've heard of limerence lasting for the same person for twenty years. Generally even if it dies for one person, until the reason is dealt with, it will keep manifesting into new people. I take a slightly more spiritual approach to my own experiences; I feel like I was meant to learn something different from all former LOs along with finally learning the same lesson from them all. No contact is the best short-term defense but the long-term solutions to limerence can be uncovered once one gets out of limerence. Otherwise the fog is so thick it's hard to think straight while stuck in it, the emotions just keep flooding in. One thing that will come up once you get away from the presence and eventually cognitive loophole of LO is the empty space. The emptiness of nothing that I know I always felt. There's so much that could be done with it.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
L-F
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by L-F »

A person discovers this angry-looking rash on their leg. It started small and wasnt annoying so was initially overlooked. But when they started to feel embarrassed and annoyed at having to cover up their leg they decided to see a doctor. the doctor gave them a prescription for cream but it didn't work. So they went back and were given a different cream to try. Both lots of cream seemed to help but never got rid of the problem rash. So they did some research and decided to go on an elimination diet to see if it was a result of what they were eating. The rash remained. A friend suggested looking at the ingredient list in their soap and detergents. The rash remained. They got so frustrated they went and visited a skin specialist to have an allergy test done.
Their new kitten was the cause of it.


The rash is (fill in the blank with how that rash feels/looks to a person), which is caused by (fill in the blank on how the person got that rash).

Nobody blames the person. It's a rash that came about because of xyz.

Limerence is (fill in the blank with how that feels/looks to a person), which is caused by (fill in the blank on how the person got it).

..................................

On a different note and regarding LOs behaviour:
Are you feeling revengeful towards LO?
(you stated it might be a case of jealousy).
Or are you seeking validation that he is unethical and needs to 'stop doing to others what he did to you'?

Did he cross boundaries? Absolutely!
Should he be reported? Depends on what he is reported for (and why you feel he needs to be reported).
Is he a sh!t coach? From what you have shared, without a doubt.

Also, adding a post Zsazsababy wrote to HelpwithGolo to consider.
Zsababy wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 6:04 am Not sure how to attach but is on HWG's thread
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by L-F »

Adding...
If LO triggered some wounds, is that such a bad thing?
If he triggers wounds in others, is that such a bad thing?
If he is abusive and purposefully manipulating people and destroying their lives in the process then he needs to be reported.
If he is flirting and having fun with ladies and they are having fun flirting with him, well, that's something they have to work thru.
I don't think you can report someone for being too charismatic.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Pattihopeful
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Pattihopeful »

Jupiter Taco I can relate to the emptiness you speak of. Thanks for sharing.
Last edited by Pattihopeful on Thu Mar 30, 2023 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Pattihopeful
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Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2018 1:18 pm
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Pattihopeful »

Thanks LF you make a lot of excellent points. Probably just need validation that he crossed boundaries. I believe what he did wasn’t ethical but not something that I would report. Really what’s happening with others is none of my business. I need to focus on healing and knowing it will take time. Thank you for the rash example. It’s a great way of looking at it.
L-F
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by L-F »

Maybe it's a case of learning to lean toward empathy instead of vilification?
Idk.
Your LO and mine sound similar. Both are very clever at covering their tracks. I bet your LO has left no evidence such as something in writing. For me, it felt like I had made up this crazy story in my head and it was here on the forum I learned that it wasn't all in my head. LO most definitely played a part.

Check out the intersection of neurological & psychological studies. How the brain learns during subliminal stimuli while on a dopamine high. All very fascinating.
For me, studying was enjoyable causing dopamine levels to rise, so essentially I was primed and ready to receive, well, anything LO threw at me. LO provided positive praise and validation adding to dopamine levels, and throwing in some subliminal stimuli, boom, putty in her hands. This was known and understood by LO whether done consciously or not. I suspect consciously given how she acted in class, and not nessacarily towards me. I feel it was all a game to see who she could influence and to make notes on the final result of her input. The information provided to the class (choice of articles, etc) was cleverly orchestrated to create shifts in perception. Except they (LOs) were clueless and reckless.

Have you given any thought to forgiveness? It must take an insecure, damaged, and ignorant person to stoop to these levels. Imagine the lack of security they must have felt as children. People hate pity, so imagine how he would feel if you pitied him.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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