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I'm new going no contact

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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Lily_Flowers
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat May 13, 2023 10:38 am
Gender:
Australia

I'm new going no contact

Post by Lily_Flowers »

Hello all,
I am new here... limerence sufferer (self diagnosed). I lost my friend to illness and found myself in an unhealthy online/phone relationship with a married man, who has had multiple affairs.
I think I was groomed by him and manipulated which helped form an obsession due to anxious attachment as an escape from the grief of my dear friend.
The toxic nature of the push and pull effect was too much and I have cut him off to heal.

To help stop intrusive thoughts I have an elastic band on my wrist I snap to bring me back to the present and I am meditating.

If anyone has any further tips for me, I'd really appreciate it.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: I'm new going no contact

Post by L-F »

Sorry that this has happened to you. Limerence makes it difficult to dislike LO even though we know we should given their behavior. Have you considered journaling your journey? Journaling thoughts can help (this of course can remain private to you and doesn't need to be on here, although will help either way). Also, do you have a therapist or someone who understands limerence to talk things out with? Those are the only two things I can think of and since you haven't mentioned them, thought I'd throw it out there.

Welcome to the forum.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Lily_Flowers
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat May 13, 2023 10:38 am
Gender:
Australia

Re: I'm new going no contact

Post by Lily_Flowers »

Thankyou for the reply and welcome.
I do journal and I am seeing a therapist, however her knowledge on limerence seems slim but she is supporting me and so is my sister.
The withdrawals are difficult.
HenrySilver
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2022 2:30 pm
United States of America

Re: I'm new going no contact

Post by HenrySilver »

I am going on about 2 months of no/minimal contact. I’ve been avoiding lunch/other events with mutual friends when my LO is attending, keeping mandatory encounters at meetings to “hello” and “see ya”.

I’m really feeling the withdrawals. To make things worse, my LO just told me she is applying for a position on my department/team, which would make no contact substantially more difficult.

I’ve been going through a rough time with my wife. I’m discovering that the issues underlying my limerence (insecurity, need for validation) have crept into my marriage. We’ve been going through couples counseling and have learned a lot about ourselves. My wife doesn’t know about my limerence, just that I have an issue I’m not comfortable talking about. We’re finally doing better, but the pain of withdrawal from my LO weighs heavily on me.

I can feel myself trying to rationalize a reason to reach out to my LO, trying to convince myself that a friendly conversation would be harmless. Am I being a fool??

It’s hard to focus on anything with this cloud over my head. My therapist says I need to shift my focus to my own self improvement, instead of an unavailable LO.
Male, married
LO, married coworker/close friend
Lily_Flowers
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat May 13, 2023 10:38 am
Gender:
Australia

Re: I'm new going no contact

Post by Lily_Flowers »

I wonder if you can extend your no contact from 2 months to 6 months. Maybe consider disclosing your limerence to your wife and therapist, it may help assist you as it creates accountability.
I am considering disclosing it to my husband as I feel the withdrawals also and I need support, however I am working on my self esteem issues and childhood trauma as to why I attract and allow unavailable men into my life.
It is very, very hard work, but your happiness is worth fighting for.
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