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Thoughts?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Well, I'm now 4 months into NC. I think I only cried over her once this month as opposed to the near constant at first. I guess that's something. I still overthink about our time together but I'm not overwhelmed with depression like I was. I feel bad about it all, though. I wish I could've kept my feelings under control. I wish I had keep my head on straight. I keep revisiting my perceived mistakes I made with her. I asked my wife if she'd be fine with coming with me to visit my old workplace so she could meet my coworker, IF she was interested. Just once. My wife seemed to at least be interested. We haven't made the trip yet and as time goes on I feel less inclined. Partially because my interest in seeing her seems to be waning, partially because I'm afraid she won't be there, but mostly because I'm afraid she'll either not want to talk to me or won't know who I am. It would break my heart all over again and I don't know if I could take it. I'd end up crying in front of my LO AND my wife and, well, that's a BIG no thanks.
I've started writing anonymous "letters" to my LO on a site where you can post your feelings anonymously. I never use her name or details. Just general feelings. Is it unhealthy? Perhaps. Maybe I'm making a mistake. But it's greatly diminished my heartache over her. I think it's helping me to start letting go. I'm posting less and less as time goes on, so I think it's helping.
Unfortunately, every kind woman I encounter while doing errands makes me think of her. I try not to compare but it happens anyway. I'm trying to stop looking for her everywhere. I don't know what I'd say to her if it ever was her. The result might be the same as if I went to visit.
So, 4 months in. I believe I'm moving forward, if very slowly. I really miss her as a friend and I'm trying to stop thinking about how our time ended. I may never understand why. I'm slowly accepting that we were never meant to be and that I need to leave it at that. I'm trying to just be grateful for the nice memories. I also continue to search for new friends. I've still got a long way to go but I'm not giving up. Thanks for reading this.
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by marko »

I haven't read 7 pages as I'm just back again. Did you every hunt down that sadness? She represents the broken me I want to rescue Don't be so hard on yourself as you sound very LE to me yet. You've done a good job lining up the obstacles. Like me you must wonder how the hell they end up in every thought all the time. I'm pretty sure the feel good center in you brain is seaking feel good, but you just can't. You try to keep it and dump it, but it cuts both ways. Thank you for posting, I feel less alone as I should be better and didn't think I'd return.
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Five months into NC now...

It's hard to believe I haven't seen or talked to her in that long. These months have been a blur. Maybe because I'm still going over my memories of her all day long still, trying to figure out why things ended the way they did. Generally I'm doing ok. I still get choked up thinking about her at times but I try to distract myself when it starts. I try not to bring her up at all to anyone. Unfortunately my new delivery job still takes me past my old workplace at least twice a week, reminding me of her every time. I haven't had any dreams about her in weeks so I'm thankful for that. I still haven't built up the courage to go see her. I don't know if I ever will. I'm genuinely afraid that I'll run into her in public somewhere and break down. I want to believe that I'd be calm and collected but just the idea of talking to her puts a lump in my throat. I've never let a crush have this much control over me. If I could, I would talk to her one more time and tell her goodbye. It still hurts to remember that last day at work. I still worry that I did something wrong and I can't let it go. I've let go of the idea of a relationship between us. But I get depressed thinking I screwed up a chance at friendship.

On the plus side, I've survived 5 months without her in my life. I honestly didn't think I'd make it to the end of the day when she left. So I'm proud of myself for making it this far. :)
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by JupiterTaco »

I'm glad to hear you're doing better keep up the no contact it really helps. It's not really about LO it's about what's best for you.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Thank you, JupiterTaco. Maintaining no contact has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I want so badly to reach out. I still feel like I need to "fix" things between me and her. I'm trying to remind myself that there's nothing there. We never had a relationship. I'd like to think we were at least friends. I can't undo any mistakes I made with her. I'm trying to forgive myself for losing my mind over her. I'm trying to forgive her for hurting me on that last day. As I may have said before, I don't know what was going with her then and maybe her abrupt exit was unintended. Maybe she was sick that day or something happened in her personal life, etc. Maybe she had intended to say goodbye to me after all. I probably won't ever know. I'm also trying my hardest to not do this again to myself. Lately I've met some potential new friends and I'm struggling with trying to let them in yet not getting attached too soon and too much like I did with my LO. I'm worried that they'll end up breaking my heart, too, and I feel bad for anticipating that with someone I don't know very well yet. I second guess every interaction I have with them. I shouldn't be projecting my fears and pain onto other people like this. They've done nothing wrong and I also worry I'll somehow push them away unintentionally. I really want to make friends but I also don't want to get hurt again. I really can't believe how much this LE has rocked me. But I'll continue to take this one day at a time. I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.
Hexatonic
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by Hexatonic »

HelpwithGOLO:

I have read all the posts in this thread because there are some similarities between myself and you, as well as with our limerent experiences (to some degree). What resonates with me is some of the thoughts that you have described regarding the LE and your LO, and the questions you ask of yourself. It’s been a month and a half since you posted anything here, so I’m not sure if you will read this or not. I am currently on the tail end of an LE and, while I haven’t had the same depth and duration of emotions as you, I certainly have peaked pretty high and fallen pretty low at times.

You are resilient in making it this far, and are trying to learn from the experience so you can, as you stated, “never have to go through this again”. Don’t judge yourself to harshly in this process; it seems that limerence is related to attachment theory, and so its expression in our lives is largely subconscious – but it does point to issues we need to examine and hopefully resolve. I am learning much about it from sites like this, from Heidi Priebe (she is on youtube), and in therapy.

One thing I wanted to say is that you should not doubt that she was ever your friend. You couldn't have gotten this far if that wasn't the case. So she would most certainly be happy to see you or hear from you if you choose to reach out. But should you? Is the whole "closure" idea you have the ultimate mindfuck of limerence for you? In other words, is it really about keeping that door open ever so slightly? What if you did contact her and she had already broken up with fiance and is available? What would you do? What if she even said that she had a thing for you the whole time? I don't think you are sufficiently prepared for dealing with that (admittedly low probability) scenario, and it can only end up hurting your wife who has stood by you this far. Because you would get swept away again.

Best of luck to you, and if you respond I will share my story here also.
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Hexatonic, I was just thinking it has been a long time since I came here. Glad I did so I could see your reply. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts. It's been quite an emotional and mental roller-coaster. Thank you for your kind words about her being my friend. I've jumped between so many emotions on that topic. I've been grateful, sad, angry, depressed, happy, you name it. I've had doubts, I've worried she was just being nice, or secretly thought I was a creep, or had a mutual crush but was afraid to say anything, etc. As you read in my posts, to lose contact the way I did just wrecked me. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can go stretches of time throughout the day where I DON'T think about her. I force myself to focus on other things. It still hurts to think about her sometimes. I wish I could say I don't cry for her at all. It's rare but I do once in a while, just for a moment. As someone who doesn't have very many friends, she really meant a lot to me and I have yet to meet anyone who makes me feel as special as she did. I don't know how to explain it. I still feel there was some kind of connection between us. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I've just been lonely too long. I've just never been able to shake that feeling that I missed out on something. Not necessarily romantic but friendship for sure. I wish I could just move on. I wish I had peace of mind. I fear never finding another person like her so I beat myself up about it. I hope I'm making sense.
There are a couple ladies in my life that I have met and so far I have resisted repeating the same mistakes with them. I also find myself comparing them to my LO so that may play a part.
In regards to your ideas about me getting in touch with her...I'm going to be honest. I blushed at the idea of her telling me she had left him and had a thing for me the whole time. I shouldn't dwell on that scenario but it did make my heart race. I don't know what I would do. You're right, though, that I wouldn't be able to handle that. I honestly cannot say I could resist any temptations from her. I tell myself that if I could just talk to her and tell her I enjoyed her friendship while it lasted that would be enough. I'd know we were "good" and move on. I find myself doubting that, though. I suspect I'd fall right back into where I was. Seven months of no contact at all with her and I'm still a mess. I believe I'm much better off than I have been but I've got such a long way to go.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

Keep reminding yourself...
HelpWithGOLO wrote: Sun Feb 19, 2023 5:00 am But I must remind myself I am not nor was I ever truly in love with her. I'm thankful that she didn't ever reciprocate my feelings, because the results would no doubt have caused so much damage to me, her, and both of our SOs.
Limerence is not true love. It's an unhealthy mindset. This is not about her or the way she parted but about your ability to cope with perceived rejection and abandonment.

I'm glad your days are lighter and less tears are being shed. It's all a process. I hope you look into creating friendship/fellowship with men who share your hobbies and interests. That way you increase your friend base without stress of falling down the rabbit hole. Much strength to you HWG
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

L-F, thank you for the reminder that I wrote that. I don't know how you do it but you seem to always tell me what I NEED to hear. I don't always like it but it's what I need. You've always given it to me straight and it's been so helpful. I truly appreciate you and all the others on here who have helped me these past months. I'm so glad I found this site. I doubt I would have made the progress I have without all of you. Thank you, everyone, for looking out for a stranger on the Internet :)
So, I'm probably going to ramble as usual but here we go. I'm still struggling with thoughts and feelings toward my LO. I keep coming back to "what if I had done this differently" and "why did I do that?" about different times I was around her. I know I can't change any of it but I still feel bad about it. I find myself comparing my wife to my LO and I realize they share a lot of physical attributes. I wonder if that played a role in this experience. I may have covered this in a previous post. I haven't looked back at any of them in a long while. At present I feel like I've lost a friend as opposed to a potential SO. I've never had a friend just disappear on me like that so it definitely threw me for a loop. I built my LO and the narrative of us up so much in my head that when I lost contact I perceived it as betrayal and took it very, very personally. It hurt as much as if we had been married and she just left me without a word. I see it as irrational now but that's how it felt in my mind. I was already on a very unhealthy path but that event snapped something with me. In the past few months I've had to stop listening to certain albums that I listened to during my time I worked with her because I associated them with her (and I'm ashamed to admit, secretly dedicated to her) because just hearing them would trigger me. I'm starting to be able to resist the urge to look around for her in public places. I think fondly on our time we had and I find myself wishing we could have been friends. She was very nice to me and I miss talking to her. I wish I could go back and stop myself before my LE began. All I can do now is learn from it, of course. It's also taught me a lot about myself and things I need to change. I'm trying to reach out to other men but I'm still struggling with my apprehension that they will judge me or not accept me. I have met a few that seem to want to be my friend and am making slow but forward progress. The difficulty also comes from trying to line up work schedules, them having kids as opposed to me having none, etc. But I will keep trying. I realize since writing here last night that I shouldn't have stayed away from this site for so long. While I don't feel the need for a nightly post like I did at the beginning, I'm not quite to the point where I feel I can handle this LE all by myself. I've stumbled somewhat during my time away and allowed some irrational thoughts and feelings to take over. I am trying to move forward again. I'm grateful that I no longer get as emotional when my LO crosses my mind. I'm trying to focus on my wife, the woman who DOES love me and has been there for me from the night I had my breakdown at work. I truly don't deserve her.
L-F
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

Never feel ashamed (or alone) for experiencing limerence, it happens to the best of us

I'm glad you have a safe space to express your thoughts, like the proverbial saying 'A problem shared is a problem halved'.

Nothing sounds wacky, your experience sounds normal to me. Put it this way, I too had similar thoughts. How long it takes to get over it is anyones guess. So long as you don't permanently live in the past.

Are you still hurting? Probably. That's normal, sadly. You're doing great HWG! However slow you're going, you're doing great!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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