Breaking NC

[marko]

We have an LO birthday today and I just have to text the wish. I was dreading and anticipating this day for almost 3 weeks. I'm amazed at how time has stood still as during contact (albeit only a couple of minutes a day) time was on a bullet train. I post here usually in a near panic like state as this will go one of two ways. At some point our paths will cross, and this seems like it could deflate, at least my unease. I know I'm probably the only one thinking of this and stressing over a nice gesture. She said I should a long time ago, but I feel like I have to as I always do what I say. What sucks the most in this is no reply is the only good reply. I enjoy entertaining the acceptance of "thanks" and it has me buzzing. That LE see saw dreading the inevitable snub day and the chance of so called reciprocation.
In cycling terms I do the time trial. You race a distance and you go until your brain pops, fastest wins. Since my shoulder surgery I've had a hard time outdoor training, but using this buzz I set a best for this year--which is close to my all time. L-F is to blame as she told me specifically to accept and enjoy what I can--well maybe out of context, but a junkie does what a junkie does.

So hear goes, totaly snub is sad me, "thanks" is happy me for a few minutes.

As a note, the low level LE buzz brings a clarity that has you doubting you should stir the pot. It's feel good I'm powerful needs no one. You think "I must be getting back to normal", but there is still a low point that brings you in reminding that you aren't quite there yet.

[marko]

I got a fearface cat emoji and a thanks. Limerent mind wonders about the cat. 'What's that mean?" I actually like I received a response. I was really bummed I was in this and it lifted the day. I look back at too much anxiety over this.
I questioned my limerence even to the point of "when is this kind of delusional?" Like a real brain issue. Seriously to be stuck in this with so many thoughts of this, and then you hang your hat on a response that is natural. Does one cross in and out of delusion, or illusion or something? In clarity, she has little to do with it. I'm accepted, no I think I feel accepted, then tear the acceptance into why the emoji, and why not a "how you doing". I been here before and try to give a voice in this to others I hope. It's mind bending to be in it and outside it.

[fup]

I can most definitely relate. Being in a state where you question reality is not a good place to be. This might not be a popular opinion. But I think it was good that you wrote to LO. As much as we need to protect our selves from these mind bends and delusions, I think it’s important to stay true to our own integrity. To me it sounds like you did just that, nothing more nothing less.

[vesseloflight]

I feel your pain. I have been there. I did the happy birthday text last year. For whatever this is worth, it added nothing to the rest of my existence, but in that moment...that buzzy time (when reality was warped) it felt amazing to receive any---I mean ANY response.
He didn't send me any bday greeting. I believe all relationships deserve reciprocation. When they fail at some damn basics...I need to use that as the exit sign. GET OUT. Never again will I be doormats for my relations. I think not receiving a greeting was pretty similar to how my mom would sometimes forget to call or text on my birthday. Isn't it interestingly sad that we are attracted to this behavior because it feels 'normal.'

To hell with that angry cat face. I hope you find real connection in real life. I don't even know you, know you, but look I just sent you a ton of words that took more effort than pushing an emoji button. You are worth someone who is interested in you.

The fact that you are writing on this forum shows that you are interested in getting to know yourself. What a great place to start even if it seems strange. That is what I am telling myself anyway.

Pain is something I am learning to STOP seeking. Maybe when I stop that behavior, I will be able to allow myself to truly enjoy life.

BTW--How are you doing besides this LE? What would you have told her if she asked you?

[marko]

Hi Marko--

Oh...I feel your pain. I have been there. I did the happy birthday text last year. For whatever this is worth, it added nothing to the rest of my existence, but in that moment...that buzzy time (when reality was warped) it felt amazing to receive any---I mean ANY response.
He didn't send me any bday greeting. I believe all relationships deserve reciprocation. When they fail at some damn basics...I need to use that as the exit sign. GET OUT. Never again will I be doormats for my relations. I think not receiving a greeting was pretty similar to how my mom would sometimes forget to call or text on my birthday. Isn't it interestingly sad that we are attracted to this behavior because it feels 'normal.'

To hell with that angry cat face. I hope you find real connection in real life. I don't even know you, know you, but look I just sent you a ton of words that took more effort than pushing an emoji button. You are worth someone who is interested in you.

The fact that you are writing on this forum shows that you are interested in getting to know yourself. What a great place to start even if it seems strange. That is what I am telling myself anyway.

Pain is something I am learning to STOP seeking. I think I am more addicted to suffering than I am to truly enjoying life.

BTW--How are you doing besides this LE? What would you have told her if she asked you?

Well, I didn't catch it at first, but she addes some xx to thankx, so that made it all better. When you think you make progress, but google the meaning of emoji's, you know you still in the game. So it's surprise and extra thanks--I tell myself. This kind of wants you to ask to clear it up, or ask another question. Ugh. Trying to find ground where I'm still welcome next fall. Always looking for acceptance.

This is my second big trip here, so I've been through this before. I express this as well to help others see the mind games, how deep this can be and what a fantastic horrible thing it is. I'm still shocked it came back like this. I thought it would be easier as I can't be with this person. This time it's easier to catch what I'm up to and agree I find working myself over with pain. I suppose it's like mental cutting. It's not really fun anymore when you can't paint your way back to happy like when I was young.

This event is also different in that we will be in the same building again. Last LO moved to a new job--even invited me as we really were quite a pair. With this LO, I've done mental gymnastics if she wondered about my intentions. I don't think she'd ask, or maybe she'd have someone ask. She's too shy with the guys she likes, let alone me. If there was a question, I'd be sorry for anything that may have misled. I thought I would also mention that her sharing these things with me (besides the crushes, she goes to therapy, and has cut a bit before) can lead to more feelings than are intended. None of what she said is really that deep. More just information statements, than "help me i'm lost" type stuff. Like busy week? "Just therapy tonight". Not sure what is discussed. I thought if a friend mentioned, I'd just state--these things happen and blow over quickly. Don't tell her though as it would be embarrassing. IDK, but I do want to be whatever mental help I can be. I think by fall she'll wondering why I exist. Or she'll come running all happy over some dude who smiled at her. I'm hoping by then I can handle either. I've never had a return LO, so I have lot's of anxiety over that. It's not a big school and to act all aloof is not who I am. I don't why, but last year everyone greeted me and was happy to have me around. I make connections and even the staff comment on how good I am. I may have no classes with her as well, she has no special needs as that's who I work with. But in a classroom everyone has access to me. It's also hard as in some classes, no one likes you. She was friendly in either and it touched me.

I've been sleeping better. I think though my little contact convinces me there will be no oddness in the fall and I sleep better. Day to day has been kind of depressing. I know it's futile and am stringing it along in my mind as I worry over all these angles. LE kind of holds you in this way. You know out, but it holds the crap that led you here so you keep your toes in a bit longer. That clarity of futile is creeping in again and it helps let go.

[vesseloflight]

I am glad you are sleeping better, Marko. The depression will pass. It is great that you even can state you are depressed. That is a feat some never get to. I used to pretend I wasn't depressed because it made my family uncomfortable. In general, people feel comfy with happy even fake happy. Most don't know what to do with the complexity of emotions. It is a breath of fresh air to accept all of my emotions for what they are and not try to hide them from my own self. I don't have to advertise it to the entire world everything I am feeling (ha...funny that is our accepted social media world now), but know that the most important person to know my own heart and mind is me.

Since you have read some of my story, do you think it is extreme that I have blocked my past LO? I can safely say I am not limerent anymore, but as a human I feel like I shouldn't block him. I wish I could stop feeling bad for blocking, but I think this feeling will pass too, like your depression. If I put myself in my husband's shoes and I think if he had done what I did (had an emotional affair) I would really want him to block the "friend" who he participated in crossing lines with. I think I have answered my own question by seeing my own writing. You are right, these are our own mind games aka prisons. Our mind doesn't have to be a prison. Compassion, integrity, and honesty are the keys to freedom. If we practice these with our own heart-minds then we can practice them with others. It is impossible to do the reverse without leading to a mental prison of bitterness and resentment, but with some lusty lies, pride, and greed here and there.

[marko]

It's good you blocked your old LO. It's hard to know what is mind games with this. Blocking and wondering can still be a play, but it's certainly a better one. The depression is a struggle because of the people around me who suffer because of me. It also gets depressing knowing what your mind is capable of. Like pain, it was part of the game as well, so as another go to and probably "oh look at poor little me". I played a victim so long, and then after the 2nd recent became aware I was the problem--that's depressing. Then I searched personality dissorders as well as one thinks if you've ran 40 years of bad mindset it just doesn't vanish.

You've expressed your own thoughts well. I'm not dissagreeing, but I am (integrity, I try) those things you mentioned. Seems to draw people in, and then I can't seperate their interest from me going all nutso. I know that part is my desperate need to be needed in any way possible. I had a perfect LO candidate about 3 years ago. I thought of her a bit, but my mind just stayed in a safe zone so to speak. There is this perfect inner storm as well that if this one person comes along at just the right time it's LE time on.

The fight is on right now. I want clarity in her response as it will help make this end. I want to ask if I freaked her out or not. It's the usual attempt to reach out to keep this going. I like the not knowing posts just posted. If I just go with not knowing, I'll be way ahead. If I poke again I drag this out. Maybe it's just an excuse in the mental gym but knowing there will be forced breaking of NC in Sept, I want to normalize what I think she is thinking. I can shoot it down with knowing she isn't even thinking about it--throw in the maybe brain argue mode, as well as I shouldn't even be in contact to begin with. That stupid fight over having to swallow reality. This makes it much closer to the end, but is also a painful depressing part. I've always lived and had fun on the dangerous side and that voice also says "oh come on and do it". Summer is hard in that there is too much time to think.

[vesseloflight]

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[marko]

This is the inner part of this illness. We have no real friendship, and no real connection. This is the inner self trying to feel better. I see I also probably transferred some of my will to heal my daughter onto her. 2017 had more relation and a few sexual components, this one has primarily connection and healing. There is also that attempt to obtain my youth like the other. The LE obsessive thoughts remain, but it is different. The other lasted a good 2 years and always had her as a partner possibility. I can't stretch reality enough to make this one so. It's more involvement as a friend. There is still I want to be on her crush list, so I suppose not entirely non romantic. I mean a degree of romance is in all my endeavors, I suppose it has to.

It's easy for me to be physically busy and it helps. Mentally busy is the hard part as my daydream mind always goes to where it shouldn't. My fight against is now present, but I hate the constant fight. I know it's an early step as well as this fight takes a lot of drive and enjoyment out of every thing. I have to make myself engage and try to detect what that I do is really an attempt to be LE. It's as little as style improvement, hair style, working out even more. When those are at the forefront, I know I'm poking at it. I know why I do that as well. I laugh at my pathetic self with the "if they liked you before all this, why change?"

Still playing with breaking. Reminds of the last where I asked her out for lunch once a year--have to stay in touch of course . The 364 days of her never staying in touch should be a giant signal of who thinks this is important. It was and helps win the battle now. Instead of knowing she doesn't think about this is played out as--she's too shy and this is intimidating, so you better initiate to remain buds.
It's like a chess stalemate--no matter the move, you just move anyway. Thankyou for helping me with this.