Limerence or affair?

[BurstBubble]

Like many here I had an 'Omg' moment when I discovered this forum; it took about 3 years to work through the LE that had just started back then, but I'm now good friends with that ex-LO and I thought I'd conquered it. Several peaceful months later and... out of nowhere, a new LO. He (M59; me F48) made an effort to get to know me and we started to hang out both within and outside work. (We work for the same company but in different buildings so have to arrange to meet up.) On the last day of work before Christmas we were out with a group for drinks. At the end of the night we held hands while walking through town and then very publicly kissed (instigated by him). After more than 6 months of wondering if he liked me or if I was misreading the signs, the relief was overwhelming (I've never disclosed to an LO before & never been physical). Of course I've thought of nothing else since, but is this actually limerence or 'just' an ordinary affair? I'm married and he also has a partner. For the last 2 weeks we've had our usual amount of social media contact - low key but most days - and he'll be back in work next week so we'll meet up at some point, probably tomorrow.

[L-F]

Your question is quite intriguing, and there may not be a clear-cut answer to it, at least not one that I can think of scientifically. There are, however, varying opinions on the subject.

I could be wrong, but I believe David has commented that all affairs start in limerence? I know not all LEs end in affairs, but then, who knows right? I mean, what if all LOs reciprocated? What then? It's a thought-provoking question.

I digress.

It's unfortunate to hear that you're experiencing limerence again. Have you addressed the underlying cause that led to your initial experience with limerence?

In my opinion, affairs are characterized by new relationship energy (NRE), and only become limerence when there's an unhealthy fixation. If you're simply feeling loved up and not getting enough of him, that's NRE.

There are other factors to take into consideration too, such as, if someone has had affairs in the past. I'm sorry to hear about your current situation, but I'm not sure if it's causing you pain or perhaps even guilt? How do you feel about the relationship overall?

[BurstBubble]

Thanks for your thoughts L-F. I’ve not identified the underlying cause of my limerence. However, I realise that my SOs have always been the ‘safe’ option, who wouldn’t break my heart if they left, and this maybe leaves me open to fantasise about how perfect life could be with an LO.

Previous LOs have been much more at arm’s length than the current one and therefore more of an unhealthy fixation; NRE with regard to current LO makes sense. We see each other 2 or 3 times a week and have both been finding pretexts to spend time alone together over the last few months, so I guess there is a different vibe compared with previous episodes where I would see/speak to the LO much less frequently.

I’ve been shocked, tbh, that I’ve not really felt any guilt about the kiss. The following morning what scared me most about the possibility of having been seen was the thought of not being allowed to see LO again, and not the potential for marriage break-up. On reflection this sure feels like a wake-up call. My intention is to have a frank talk with LO, take a step back, and try to resolve the communication issues I have with SO and work out whether we should stay together or not. I never expected things to go this far, as they never have before. Despite the lack of guilt and regret I know I’ve been very very stupid and I do not want to be this person.

[L-F]

I realise that my SOs have always been the ‘safe’ option, who wouldn’t break my heart if they left,

That's quite profound.