I’m mad

[Keater]

This month marks 2 years.
I am mad that sometimes it hurts just as bad as it did in the beginning.
Some days are much better, I’ll give it that but tonight I find myself staring at an empty Instagram DM screen saying to myself “do it” “don’t do it”
I didn’t do it.
I want to tell him I saw his message a little too late.
He knew I was pregnant with my husband and still sent me a message when he came back to the states and asked if I was happy. Now he’s in a relationship with somebody for about a year. They seem happy. And I tell myself he is happy and I shouldn’t mess with him.
Is it possible he could be limerant for me? He did unfollow me on IG after I posted a pic with my baby.
The things we tell ourselves to string us along.

I am mostly mad that I haven’t forgotten anything. I am mad I still want to message him! It’s been two damn years!!! Please oh please tell me this will not last forever.
What is wrong with me?!

[marko]

It might, but the level is not pervasive. If we see things in our LO that are about ourselves, it gets hard to shed that person. I think about 2 seconds a day about a 1983 LO. Letting go of the current LO makes me feel like I'm letting go of what and who I want to be and how I want my other to be. I can't let that go. Today I broke NC and texted a simple greeting, I also hate to be forgotten so I go on.

[Radey]

You are not mad Keater, it seems like it is really hard to forget them completely.

[JupiterTaco]

I've found it's hard to forget our LOs because they're a sign that we need to look into ourselves.

[Keater]

I’m having a mild panic attack. My feelings are so strong for him, and it doesn’t help that I dream about him nearly every time I have dreams. I have nobody to talk to, to vent to, to confess all of this to. And that thought is eating me up inside. Plus even if I were to message him, after 2 years he’ll probably think I’m crazy.
It was around this time 2 years ago that we reconnected also.
Ugh I feel like I can’t breathe. He’s been on my mind, and I found out today he may be at a work function of mine this weekend. I thought he was out of state, but maybe not? I seriously cannot see him. I will probably burst out laughing at the ridiculous position I put myself in, or in tears. I can actually see myself crying and shaking in the bathroom. Last time I saw him I only caught a glimpse of him. He didn’t see me even and I was jarred completely.
I feel like crying.
I am taking this day moment by moment.
Tell me more about looking inside myself to battle L.

[Keater]

Did he RSVP to my work event because he thought I would see it? Glimmer of hope? Is that even hope?
What if him and his new GF, who may know all about me, are laughing at me behind my back. How stupid I am.

[Cookie]

Is it possible he could be limerant for me? He did unfollow me on IG after I posted a pic with my baby.
The things we tell ourselves to string us along.

I am no expert, but I think it is very possible just based on what I am experiencing. My current LO (first one in 10 years) and I have essentially admitted that we are both each other's daydream/fantasy person. We suggest moving to each other's town, planning exotic trips together, etc. -- but I'm doubtful that either of us will pull the trigger. This is the narcissism/inverse narcissism at play, I think.

I am mostly mad that I haven’t forgotten anything. I am mad I still want to message him! It’s been two damn years!!! Please oh please tell me this will not last forever.

I know everyone is different, but my feelings for the LO before this one did go away after a few months. That said, it took an abrupt and brutal end to the relationship (it had become an actual physical/emotional one) to drive the wedge in. And the bitterness and pain made it easier for the feelings to subside. Sometimes I think a cathartic event can be a good thing, although awful at the time.

It must be hard with a work connection like you have. I would just encourage as much no contact as possible. And don't obsess over his social media. I posted something before about "Block Site," and it will keep you from going on IG, Facebook, etc. for as long as you need to. I'm sorry it has been such a struggle for you! It is incredibly hard, and it seems that each day varies.

[JupiterTaco]

Did he RSVP to my work event because he thought I would see it? Glimmer of hope? Is that even hope?
What if him and his new GF, who may know all about me, are laughing at me behind my back. How stupid I am.

Sorry you're going through this, Keater. It's common to question everything LO does. It is possible he unfollowed you if there is a mild attraction there but he likes this girl or just doesn't want to bring attention to the situation? Or if the girlfriend feels uncomfortable (very common). Or maybe he's just not interested in baby pictures. It hurts a lot at first, but sometimes starting to think of alternative reasons why LO does or doesn't do what they do can help put perspective back in the long run. There can be a lot of reasons why your LO is doing what he does, the answers (or lack of them) usually reveal themselves in the long run.

[Keater]

Update:
Well, it’s a few years later. I came looking for this forum after yet another dream. I still intermittently dream about him. I can’t believe it’s been this long, and it’s still him.
So I’m about 6 years in!
Just wow. Never thought.
It does get better. I got to the point I wasn’t thinking about him daily. But I still see things that remind me of him.
Sigh. I wish I could talk to him.
In my dreams it’s what I finally do.
I finally text him and he reciprocates his feelings for me
My husband finds out. And we fight.
I try to sneak to see LO.
Wow. *feeling pathetic*

[itry]

Wow Keater! Sorry you are feeling bad, and sorry to hear about your predicament.

6 years is an insanely long time to be carrying a torch for someone without anything happening... sad!
Is there no way you can resolve this miserable situation? Can you not forget him? Learn to hate him, or make peace with the fact that he is not in your life?