From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

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DelusionGirl
Posts: 237
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2016 9:51 pm

From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by DelusionGirl »

Just a quick update for anyone who remembers me and my story. (Most of my posts are redacted for privacy, sorry)

A quick background, I have been a chronic limerent since I was 5 when my father left (I believe my "cause", my wound which triggered limerence in me)
I never saw limerence as a problem, and I happily married a man I was limerent for from age 11. I thought he was my soul mate. I actually married him after the limerence subsided. I believe I experienced limerence, then new relationship energy and then long term real love with my SO. The trouble was when I became limerent while married about 6.5 years ago. (And after the death of my estranged father) It hit me like lightning and I was completely overtaken. It rocked my whole world and made me believe things that were not true (cognitive dissonance) 1. My marriage was not good 2. I was evil for desiring another man 3. LO was my true love.

I believed LO reciprocated my feelings and I made a disclosure to him. He did not reciprocate, and I did not believe him. I told my SO it all, and thought I would move on. But the limerence remained and over the next year LO started to pay me attention (curious? Flattered? who knows). My limerence blew up to extreme levels. For about 3 years my thoughts were for him 99.9% of the time. I couldn't think of anything else, dreamed of him all night and replayed all our interactions over and over like a play constantly in my head, adding any new ones, and trying not to forget ANY old ones (as if i could) I anticipated seeing him so much I was sick with nausea and diarreha and extreme anxiety, butterfiles, lightheadedness. WHen I saw him my legs grew numb and I felt faint, I felt like my blood was carbonated and my face would explode with terror and delight. Thats putting it mildly and very brief.

I'm not going to say I had it worse than anyone else, but Im not sure how it could have possibly been worse.
It affected my work, my friendships, my marriage and my health. I began drinking to quiet the "evil" thoughts. and eventually just to get some sleep. I began binge drinking every night. My SO was amazingly unaware. I believe there were at least a half dozen times I drank to the point of a good chance of not waking up in the morning, and I didn't care. I hated the thought of not being limerent. I hated the world in which we were indifferent to each other. No matter how I thought of the future, I couldn't imagine one in which I wanted to live.

I learned about limerence, and found this board, and was compeletely gobsmacked. Finally I understood what I was going through. but knowledge did not take the limerence away as i hoped. However, some of the help I received on here by kind people I believe helped me not to end my life on pupose. I think this board, and my husband, helped save my life. I began to understand just how involuntary limerence is. And I began to stop seeing myself as evil, and my marriage as bad.

My husband stood by me in the most amazing way. When I started dropping the ball in our personal life, he began to pick it up and take care of me. Not in a co-dependant sort of way, but showed me love and understanding. He held me accountable for some of my bad behaviour, but always had my back and was there for me, even when I let him down (which was devastating for me, a perfectionist). He worked on his own self and did not draw away from me even though I was pushing him away. He earned my respect first, and eventually my deep love again.

But LO was becoming more and more attentive and I was probably at my most vulnerable to him about a year and a half ago, as my sanity was starting to come back (sort of). We had some close calls where we might have "consumated" our weird psuedo-relationship which involved a lot of deniable contact and "signals" in plain sight. He basically offered, and I basically said "yes please" (not in person) and then nothing happened, as usual. Long story short and a whole lot of drama and details not written here:

I experienced a personal crisis and tried to cut things off with LO. He tried to pull me back in and was so attentive and "loving" that it made me feel so warm and loved, I actually am grateful for that, oddly it helped me heal a lot from the loss if my father, and it really helped me through some very painful emotional times. He was a sort of emotional touchstone for me. I know a lot of LO's do not reciprocate, but when he finally did after all those years of wondering, I felt very validated and loved. It was never face to face spoken, but I knew he cared for a long time. Lots of details missign here, but I felt both my husband's and LOs love and I dont' know, its pretty messed up but it helped me a lot.

I quit drinking cold turkey and that removed a lot of dishonesty with my SO that was probably more of a problem in our relationship than LO was (or at least rivaled it). Over time I started to be somewhat OK with the thought of not having LO in my life. I still think of LO, but it almost feels like a habit, and I CAN distract myself. I even think about mundane things sometimes. I don't take the long way home in hopes of seeing him anymore. I see him and my heart doesn't even beat faster!! That one is shocking!! The odd time when he talks to me I still feel it a bit, but its not so bad. And I don't feel so sad when he doesn't pay me attention. I stil think of him, and wonder, and yeah theres a bit of longing. But I feel the limerence waning. I dont' think it is very voluntary. I can't force myself to feel "more limerent" - I can remember what it was like to be super limerent, but I can't call up those same feelings on purpose. I can't bring it back (sometimes I have wanted to). It was so all consuming it was almost wonderful to be completely at somethings mercy.

But I can pay attention driving again. I can have (great!) sex, even passionate! with my husband again without even a thought for LO (which seemed absolutely impossible a couple years ago).

Even though LO reciprocated somewhat to me, he never gave me what I "wanted". He never disclosed in an open way. He was very attentive, and there were times he waited up for me for hours, stalked me and tried so hard in so many ways to connect with me, but never openly. Always passively, deniably. It just wasn't enough for me. Not enough to fuel the limerence anymore.

I tried to share my emotional and mental journey with my husband, without telling him about LO. After all, if limerence is involuntary (which i firmly believe it is) then it has nothing to do with LO as a person, and all about you. So I tried to share what I learned about my attachment issues from childhood and what i was learnign about myself. He reallly tried to understand this, which I fully appreciate.

The other day he referred to it as "the years I was MISSING" and we both laughed. He knew I was going through something pretty serious. But he cou;ldn't quite understand. But he was there for me. He described it like I went into a tunnel and he couldn't see what was going on with me. But eventually I came to the surface again. aND i hope that I don't go back under again.

He will never know how close I came to never resurfacing again on this earth.

I just hope that anyone out there who is feeling like life is not worth living without their LO can benefit from my story. Its unbelieveably awful, but dont' give up. If all you can do is get through the day then just do that. Just go on living. Limerence DOES fade eventually. And if that is unbearable to think about, then don't think about that. But have hope, and keep going.

I thought when limerence ended I would be left with LONGING. But it actually feels more like RELIEF. There are days it doesn't, and there are some days that are hard, but they wash over you like waves, and there is relief again. And the times in between get longer and longer.

Just because you are limerent doesnt' mean your relationship with your SO is flawed. Actually every relationship IS flawed, but it doesn't mean you sholdn't be with them. My SO is a wonderful person and I am learning how to love him without limerence.

To all limerents, I wish you PEACE.
Pandora
Posts: 399
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by Pandora »

What an amazing story, and an amazing update! Thank you for taking the time to write this. I love your honesty - I feel like my limerence is waning, and sometimes that scares me and some sick part of me wants to get those old, crazy feelings back. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Congratulations on all that you've achieved, and if you want to update in the future, you will have at least one eagerly waiting reader!
I'm not here to be a creep,
I'm just feeling complete.
Take me home.
L-F
Posts: 3686
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by L-F »

:x

Thank you for sharing. That's my wish too. That all Limerents hang in there and hold on to hope. There is a whole nother life after LE.

Blessings to you DG
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
JohnDeux
Posts: 2013
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by JohnDeux »

DelusionGirl wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 2:47 am
I thought when limerence ended I would be left with LONGING. But it actually feels more like RELIEF. There are days it doesn't, and there are some days that are hard, but they wash over you like waves, and there is relief again. And the times in between get longer and longer.

Just because you are limerent doesnt' mean your relationship with your SO is flawed. Actually every relationship IS flawed, but it doesn't mean you sholdn't be with them. My SO is a wonderful person and I am learning how to love him without limerence.
Good to hear from you again, D-G, and thank you for this very encouraging post about life "on the other side"! :-bd I can't say that I'm as in good a place as you regarding my marriage, but how I engage with marital issues is a whole lot better these days and reflects more honestly your statement of "Actually every relationship IS flawed, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't be with them." And the RELIEF aspect is a big part of this post-LE era just now. Yeah...the waves earlier on bashed pretty hard, but as you noted they are mostly lapping around the legs and ankles these days and not so uprooting. Anyway.....great to hear of your outcome and glad you came back with the update!
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz
DelusionGirl
Posts: 237
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2016 9:51 pm

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by DelusionGirl »

Thanks folks. JohnDeux, you were one of the kind ones who made a difference for me, thank you for that.
Posting here and the time of year is a bit triggering for me. Feel that hole in the soul no matter how full my life is. Just have to recognize what it is, and carry on...
John
Posts: 135
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by John »

Wow! I don't have time for a long response other to say that I really admire your strength and your telling your story. You and your husband are both an inspiration!
DelusionGirl
Posts: 237
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2016 9:51 pm

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by DelusionGirl »

2 years later I am still in the place where I am saying goodbye. It’s such a strong pull. I still don’t feel whole. But it doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would. Time and space are healers.
IvB
Posts: 279
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by IvB »

Thank you, DelusionGirl, it's indeed a very strong story. Mine is very similar but not by far as difficult, lomyg and and far-reaching. I am really glad you are doing better. You are right about the relief, that's the main emotion now. Calmness too, as opposed to the limerence rollercoaster. Some days at least.
Aysheal
Posts: 37
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 12:05 am
Location: Paris
Gender:
Age: 46
France

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by Aysheal »

I had tears in my eyes reading your story. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
It helps me a lot to think that even for people who had very severe LE, it's possible to feel much better with time. It gives me a lot of hope.
I’ve been L several times. It didn’t last long bc I got all flustered in front of my LO: it was so unpleasant I quickly got over it. This time, my LO is an actor, I’ve no chance to be in contact with him and the LE has been going on for almost 2 years.
DelusionGirl
Posts: 237
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2016 9:51 pm

Re: From suicidal to (almost) better and actually happy

Post by DelusionGirl »

IvB wrote: Mon Mar 22, 2021 3:23 pm Thank you, DelusionGirl, it's indeed a very strong story. Mine is very similar but not by far as difficult, lomyg and and far-reaching. I am really glad you are doing better. You are right about the relief, that's the main emotion now. Calmness too, as opposed to the limerence rollercoaster. Some days at least.
Thank you! Yes Calmness... the ultimate goal now
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