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LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Spinnaker
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Spinnaker »

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Fri Jul 10, 2020 6:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
Carl Jung
MajorProblemo
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by MajorProblemo »

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Last edited by MajorProblemo on Sun May 26, 2019 4:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
L-F
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by L-F »

Congrats! I disclosed to SO and he's been wonderful too.

Keep in mind, BOTH have heavy lifting to do. I've done a lot of heavy lifting, yet SO has a lot more to do. Something he is willing to do for the benefit of our relationship.

Looking forward to seeing if your SO finds this place. There is a couple on here and it's good to read their perspectives.

All the best!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AnnieKaye9924
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by AnnieKaye9924 »

Wow!!!!

Some disagree with telling your SO, but in much of the faith-based relationship material I have read this is encouraged. What you have done is exposed the relationship with LO to the light. The secrecy of it is part of the thrill; often affairs (although you weren’t quite there yet) break up when they are exposed. You have asked your husband to help pull you out of this. You caught it early.

From my standpoint you’ve done everything right. I’m so happy for you that you told your SO instead of your LO.

You still have a lot of work to do with the limerence. You’re also going to have to do some heavy lifting in your marriage as well. But you now have someone to help you with it. Good job.
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Hi guys, just posting an update to this saga if it is of any interest (TYA for letting me rant)...

Would love to say I rode off into the sunset and that we all lived happily ever after.... but alas, no. Just the beginning of more hard work.

I wanted especially to thank everyone who commented after my last post ... Those few days after disclosing to my husband were very raw, your kind words meant more than you know at the time.

So, it's been around 1 year and 3 months since the original post...

Initially I couldn't see LO for a good few weeks after disclosing to my husband and I tried avoiding LO by putting off our meetings due to 'medical reasons' (i.e. appointment with my psychologist).

I tried so hard to disconnect - weekly meetings became monthly and I tried to allocate more of his work to my team to create some space. My husband (I felt so undeservedly) had so much trust in me he didn't demand I stop working/seeing with him altogether. I'd continue to drop by for a take away coffee on the weekends whilst I did my groceries and tried very hard to convince myself it's all a bit of nothing created in this manic mind of mine.

Then, in December I received news that meant I would be travelling interstate in February to attend a 2 month course. It's part of the volunteer work my husband and I are committed to (roughly 17 hours per week, we've been doing this together since we were both single and a large part of how we got together initially). It had been a goal for almost 7 years and to be honest I had given up on it eventuating. It means a lot of group discussion / public speaking (which petrifies me) and also meant an assignment at the end of the course that would relocate us anywhere in the country. Serious life changes.

My psychologist suggested I start taking antidepressants to help with the generalized anxiety disorder, I struggled with the medication.

Also at the time, my GP requested I get a routine pap-smear as part of my health check up. It was the first time for me - and I couldn't do it. Turns out I have been suffering from dyspareunia (painful intercourse) all these years of being married. I've only been in the one relationship so I naively thought the pain was 'normal', apparently I've been told I have a high threshold for pain. Explains the emotional disconnect with my husband and part of the ongoing therapy involves not only physical exercises but disassociating 'pain' with 'intimacy'.

... I also lost a friend to cancer unexpectedly in the same few months.

So what has this got to do with limerence?

Oh yeah. In amongst it all (like I didn't think I had enough on my plate) I decide to disclose to LO. Sorry to all the rational beings here who dissuaded me from disclosure. Believe me I'm face-palming as I type this.

My limerent brain had convinced me that I was sending him mixed signals and fueling a mutual attraction. There was a moment just before disclosure when our discussion turned to deeper subjects, such as faith and existence of a higher power. It shocked me as our conversation, though warm, is largely business. I felt connected, intimate, on another level, and it scared me.

So I disclosed to him with my mind already made up. It went along the lines of... "I'm struggling with an attachment (to you) so I need to step away from your work and let my team handle it completely. I wanted you to know so that you didn't feel your business was being 'palmed off' ". It coincided well with my taking a few months away from the business for this training course and I hoped the change would help me work past these feelings.

He said he was flattered, especially since I'm married, and that for him it's been nothing but professional (I'm not sure whether he alluded to his feelings or to my conduct) and that I can take the time I needed. We laughed a bit about relationships and life and he says he also struggles with communicating his feelings (which is probably why I took his understanding demeanor and dreamed him to be the one who really 'gets me'). He also mentioned he is seeing someone. (My limerent, social-media-stalking alter-ego tells me he must've started seeing her recently, no status update on social media, and of course this must've started after I told him I was going interstate, oigh.)

Again, the initial feeling was relief - I wasn't sending mixed signals and causing him pain. But yeah my ego was pretty shot.

So what didn't I factor in?

Just COVID-19. Global pandemic.

My training course lasted only a week and so I was back in town the week after. The few months of separation and distance from him only lasted a few weeks. It has been manic for small businesses and so I threw myself into work upon return, keeping up with the changing legislation and the economic fallout for our clients.

And now I'm still working with him, again seeing LO weekly. Meetings over Zoom mostly but this week was the first one face-to-face since disclosure.

It's hard. Really hard. All this nervous energy before the meeting - and then recently he's been rescheduling last minute or running late without a heads up. My goodness the spiral it puts me in! I feel 'rejected' because I'm not a higher priority - and then my rational self tells my limerent self off for expecting to be so. This week I had enough and dropped in personally to do the meeting face-to-face. I don't know if it's him seeing me recover (he has no idea of the mental energy it takes for me to 'get myself together' before our meetings) and he's trying to retain some sort of power over me. Or there's a quiet voice inside me that tells me he cares deeply for me and that he's genuinely nervous like myself.

I can't seem to settle on his character - either there really was nothing there and it was all in my head. Or there's something there but he knows there's nothing to be done about it. Pointless rumination I know but the question turns in my mind over and over.

I need to keep focused on my husband. Seeing his patient qualities in helping me through this. I think I'm more just so frustrated with myself. I really don't have the time to let this paralyze me like this but I also need to allow myself to be human and work through these feelings also. In the last month or two, my husband and I got a 'business divorce' - i.e. we've split business interests - ironically it's for the best for our marriage. Seeing him start his own business (different field) he's now more understanding of the weight that a business owner carries. He has struggled with self-esteem and recently he's said that the change has helped him with this.

At this stage, maybe I do need to give LO's work back to my team. But I really do enjoy working with him - professionally he is a 'buyer persona' for my business, perhaps a sort of muse. If I can learn to channel this fascination and creative energy into my work, instead of letting it sap and paralyze me.

Oh the joys of life and the varying shades of love.

Love for my husband means commitment to a good man even when life falls short of the ideal.

Love for my LO is love for another good man but tempered with restraint and boundaries, principles.

There is a lot I have to be grateful and thankful for. I need to find my peace with this and be happy. Will keep trying.

Thank you so much to everyone who puts up with this rant (again) and please take care during these times.

Life is interesting. And painful. At the same time. Sigh.
David
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by David »

Mrs Nonsensical wrote: Fri Jul 10, 2020 5:01 am
... I also lost a friend to cancer unexpectedly in the same few months.
its a quiet morning so I thought i'd bash out a few words before joining an MKP zoom group on trauma and healing being run by a peer who was sexually abused as a boy. He wrote an award winning play about his expereince and its now an hour fim, called Groomed - very powerful. No idea why im typing this - apart from having a hunch im working on some transgenerational sexual abuse, likely my father whilst in the German death camps. Not much has been written about how the younger boys were sexually abused by the older inmates, although apparently it was common. I have asked him. If it did happen likely to much shame to acknowledge it.

Anyhow back to this post which caught my eye

We did a poll a while back on the correlation of loss and limerence - it was very high

viewtopic.php?f=51&t=1304&hilit=bereavement

Limerence = the mother of all distractions. What better way of dealing with life's stressors (death of friend, new business, angry emotionally disconnected chubby husband and now covid added to the mix). I suspect some answers may lay in your childhood. Most of us folk with limerence had dysfunctional upbringing and we hold so much mostly unconscious grief for our lost and unseen inner children.

We have a world full of Adult children that were traumatised as children acting out their anger on surrogate parents - the state, governments and institutions. I digress, thats a bigger topic that no one seems to be addressing. Healing, taking responsibility and holding ourselves accountable starts with us. Each one of us as individuals.

Anyhow, ways through your limerence have been written a thousand times here already, by myself and others. Follow the plan and you have a decent chance of working through your trauma and pain.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
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Sara
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Sara »

David its fascinating do you think the trauma of our parents are passed on to us unconsciously?!
David
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by David »

Sara wrote: Fri Jul 10, 2020 11:56 am David its fascinating do you think the trauma of our parents are passed on to us unconsciously?!
100% - and i see it more and more amongst clients. We were taught we carry 7 generations - Resmaa Menakem, a black psychotherapist in the USA argues 14 generations when talking about slavery and transgenerational truama.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Mrs Nonsensical
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Hello again….

Transgenerational trauma - that is an interesting concept… noticed the website has had a refresh since my last visit and a video posted re this - will check it out 👍🏼 Dyspareunia / vaginismus is still an ongoing issue for me, tests have ruled out physical causes so the pain is psychological/mental/emotional. I don’t have a conscious memory of sexual abuse/rape which is a common cause of this issue but I wonder if I’ve suppressed something, or dealing with something transgenerational here. I have South-East Asian heritage.

Anyway, an update on my limerence journey if of any interest to anyone (posting / writing is therapeutic in itself so thank you in advance)

Recapping…

April 2019 - Found this website, discovered limerence was a thing, disclosed to hubby/SO (I had been experiencing limerent feelings for few years prior). Big relief to have hubby onside, maintained contact with LO as professional client though tried to limit contact but honestly still addicted.

July 2020 - Post-start of COVID, was going through major life changes, disclosed to LO 🤦🏻‍♀️Embarrassing but gave me a reason to go NC. NC only lasted few weeks instead of months due to COVID. Back to working with LO albeit awkward initially but we worked through it, nothing further said.

Identified causes of limerence:

1) Unmet childhood need of being understood by non-English speaking parents emotionally/intellectually. Didn’t realise connection was a thing, I had married my husband at 20yo - he’s Western, extroverted and speaks English - being close to someone who could actually speak my mother tongue felt like spades of connection to me. Along though comes LO with an observant, quietly thoughtful & intelligent nature … and I was hooked by this feeling of connection and fantasy of my needs being met.

2) Financial stability. Hubby has many good qualities - warm, approachable, good-natured….but business (specifically long-term business vision) and making financial decisions isn’t one of them unfortunately. LO on the other hand being a work client and my seeing him in a business setting only unfortunately pitches LO’s strengths against SO’s weakness.

Where I’m at now ….

I’ve just listed my business for sale.

Back in July 2020 hubby and I got a ‘business divorce’ and he started a business on his own. Though he dug in heels initially he said it was helping him build his self-worth. I really appreciated the empathy he gained in running a business and as a couple we connected much better being able to support each other emotionally whilst not being in each others’ pockets daily with work issues.

Problem: he spent the money from being bought out and racked up same amount, even greater, in debt. It’s gotten to the point where he can’t continue with his ministry work (the volunteer work that we’re both passionate about) unless I sell up my business and absolve the debts. I’m working through the resentment (difficult) and trying to focus on the positives, like how the sale will preserve what we can do for ministry and perhaps even expand what we can do.

My issue now though… is what to do with LO…. Do I keep him as a client or use this opportunity to let him go with the business?

Being honest, I can’t say the limerence is over. It’s liked a dimmed song on the radio in the background. Ever-present but I’m learning (ongoing) not to buy into my classic generalised-anxiety response when the feelings arise. When I’m in an anxious state I label myself as an ‘unfaithful wife’, ‘unable to make objective decisions’, ‘hopelessly infatuated, weak’ etc etc . When I’m fully engaged with my volunteer work and feel a strong sense of purpose though it does help to relegate the limerent feelings.

My fear, if I kill this limerence by leaving LO, will another limerence appear? Will leaving actually be enough to kill it or will the distant memory still be enough to haunt me?

As it stands, the limerence is there, painful (the person he was seeing has now turned into a steady girlfriend - we all know the excruciation), but manageable, just. I know LOs traits and what they trigger, even a sense of ‘loyalty’ to him as my LO (ironic isn’t it, I know it’s a fantasy - but hey he’s my fake fantasy relationship). Do I really want to start over when the next LE arrives ?

Pragmatically, it does make sense keep a client or two as a small amount of ongoing income as we go about taking on a new volunteer assignment (work can be done remotely/online). Hubby/SO is agreeable to keeping him as a client saying it would be useful but maybe there’s part guilt over the whole situation talking.

Decision aside, limerence is also worse (the background song is turned up louder) when I’m feeling frustrated with SO … and that’s a bit of a given with this situation.

Sigh. Ongoing battle.

Thanks for bearing the rant. Giving myself a pep talk before heading into the storm ahead with sale negotiations, transition & training and my colourful emotions interspersed with all these life changes. Need to keep a grip on the positives ahead.

Love to you all who “get” what this is about on a level which most people don’t 🤍 Take care
L-F
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Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by L-F »

Wow! Big life changes, how exciting!
When I read your post I couldn't help but smile. A new phase you're about to enter, business-wise, volunteer-wise, partnership-wise. Exciting and of course nerve-wracking no doubt.

If you were to go broke, would that break you?

What fills your cup?
Making money?
Being part of a team?
Being the boss (control)?
Being spontaneous?
Spiritually open?

What I see, which is not a pragmatic view, is that being vulnerable combined with faith can lead to some wonderfully challenging and yet wonderfully uplifting times. Opening ourselves up to new experiences we'd never dreamt of. You have business skills under your belt, do you feel you could 'start again' if push comes to shove? Could your business skills help an underdeveloped community raise capitol to create better living standards? Where in the world would you like to go? Where in the world could use your support?

The reason I'm asking these questions is because you wrote...
Mrs Nonsensical wrote: Thu Jun 30, 2022 7:00 pm When I’m fully engaged with my volunteer work and feel a strong sense of purpose
Tap into that. All the best! And thanks for the update.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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