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LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

@buryafriend - Thank you so much for sharing and good on you for thinking about his wife and kids and your own as well, takes strength and care to hold back the way you do. I hope we can both 'work it out in our mind'

@helpmeplease - Thank you so much for commenting, appreciate the confirmation :)

@l-f - Really appreciate your taking the time and experience...

Agree on your throughts regarding affairs. Think it would be so difficult to have trust in an affair relationship because the start of the relationship is founded on an act of betrayal. If someone were to leave a long time spouse or SO because of me, how do I know they won't leave me for someone else after a few years? Too much insecurity. So true about how the movies condition our viewpoint of love, too many movies about people falling in 'love' but not so many about those staying in love. It's hard work (and ridiculously hard work for those of us limerent with someone other than SO), would be great if the movies were more realistic but guess it wouldn't make them as profitable.

Ok so rescue fantasy - yep I have issues with this even outside limerence. I have this tendency to believe everything is my fault and I need to fix it. My parents immigrated to a western country and struggled with English, mum also struggles with manic depressive periods and would often offload and blame me....so my childhood involved taking on a little more than usual and I often felt I had to 'keep it together' for everyone. Behaviour which was then rewarded because parents and younger sibling often lovingly tease and say how much they need me. Probably makes me a prime candidate. Something I need to get onto quick smart, considering my job - business failure isn't uncommon. You're right, I will probably be racked with guilt should LO's business fails (like I did with the last one - painful, like being trapped behind a glass door and watching a slow death). Agree NC is ideal and if I could pass the work on I should (still working out if it is actually not possible or just me putting up a passive resistance to the thought) but I do think I need to work through this 'rescue fantasy / taking on more responsibility than needed' issue I think might be at the root of it.

Reason for limerence yes has to do with me, it's an outlet for my frustration with my SO over our business relationship. Deep down I think I resent that SO doesn't have a stronger work ethic or resilience - and it gets pitched against my LOs strengths. Realistically though, it's probably a good thing my SO isn't as crazy die-hard as myself, or else we'd both be falling over each other in burnout. Need to keep reminding myself of that.

Too kind of you to say, thank you. Yes I'm glad too. Being able to define it is an immense relief in itself and commiserating with everyone else is a comfort. Thanks guys.

'Learn to disassociate from limerence in presence of LO' and focus on task at hand - will keep on working on this...

@annie - Yes such a good line hey. Will have to find those threads too.
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Just wrote a reply but think it said it needed to be reviewed by a moderator? Haven't had that come up before?
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by David »

Mrs Nonsensical wrote: Thu Apr 18, 2019 8:07 pm Just wrote a reply but think it said it needed to be reviewed by a moderator? Haven't had that come up before?
if you register for an account your posts wont need approving
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Many thanks David, sorry to bug you with it, I'm still not game enough to register :)
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

@L-F - "check out how to be boundaried"

Interesting, 'emotional boundaries' is a new concept for me, looking into this one. Thank you.
Hopeless Lomantic
Posts: 237
Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
Somalia

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Hopeless Lomantic »

Mrs Nonsensical wrote: Mon Apr 15, 2019 4:48 pm

Am I missing a scenario?

Just thinking a very likely scenario and also in my own story is..LO has slight interest but is not willing or unable to proceed further as u r already married..

LO just contented to stay status quo and not keen to break any boundaries..

This may also be what LO will say to gently let us down..
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Many thanks Hopeless Lomantic :)

That would be an ideal situation...maybe I should clarify that by disclosure I don't mean disclosing with the aim of starting an actual romantic relationship with him, but just letting him know what I'm dealing with/feeling.

Others on the forum have mentioned that if though I do disclose and the feelings are mutual it would be 'throwing fuel on the fire' and given we are working together closely it could increase the feelings of longing and make it harder for me to be faithful.

If though, as you say his interest is slight (or non-existent) and we continue status quo I risk a little embarrassment but get these feelings off my chest.

I guess it depends on whether he actually does have feelings and if so how slight or how much. I really don't know how to gauge objectively...

Saw him today. Thought about staying away but my SO recommended we go to his place for breakfast (SO unaware obviously). I ducked over to other side of restaurant to say hello, all smiles and sustained eye contact through the chat. Hubby went to pay at the end and LO was lovely and friendly toward him. Noticed LO went for a walk straight afterwards. Limerent brain says it's because he found it difficult to be warm towards my SO. Or it could be absolutely nothing. I know it's often the case that we imagine our LO has feelings towards us so I really don't trust myself. But I also have this sick feeling that maybe he's in pain like I am.

Whether he does have feelings or not, since I don't want to go further, is there any point in me saying anything? I will probably just end up losing the relationship we do have just because I'm agonizing over whether my feelings are returned.

Such a mess. My limerent brain wants him to reciprocate, my normal brain tells me that an actual relationship with him is nonsensical and a fantasy.

Sigh. I hold all the cards and yet I'm in agony that I could potentially be keeping my LO 'on the hook' with my subconscious limerent signals and causing him pain + although SO is unaware, the mental energy going towards this limerence could be better spent on my marriage.

I just want to switch this off. Someone please just tell me where the 'off' button for this is. Ugh.
AnnieKaye9924
Posts: 315
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Canada

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by AnnieKaye9924 »

You’re a good bit younger than me and also your situation is different but you think exactly like me.

What would be the point of disclosure? To get it off your chest? What do you want him to do with the information that you have feelings for him? You say you don’t want an affair. So you just want to be validated by him, that he reciprocates the feelings, thinks you’re desirable, attractive? I’m not judging you at all; that’s exactly what I have wanted with my LOs. But just think about it, what you really want and is he the most appropriate person to meet this desire?
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

@AnnieKaye9924, Thank you, glad there is someone :)

Good questions, honestly yes I totally crave those things - validation, reciprocation, him to want me - essentially an affair. I would be lying if I said the desire isn't there.

But I don't want the consequences that come from an affair.

The heartache. Seeing my husband's eyes when he finds out. Seeing the hurt caused to my family and friends who love us both.

Ultimately though, I have such a deep respect and love for God (I'm understanding that my beliefs differ to some and I'm very respectful of those who may feel differently) but this is my driving force... Just as there are laws of science that dictate consequences for actions (eg, jumping off a cliff, the law of gravity) I believe there are moral laws that govern our actions and I'm accountable even if no one else knew.

Choice in pain...

Don't want to sound like a martyr, because I'm really not. I'm a human being, with these ridiculously intense human feelings....prayer is what is getting me through at the moment and specifically thinking about loyalty and integrity during my study.

Choices huh.

I really appreciate your questions and the opportunity to explore and express this.
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

So I told my husband this morning...

Stumbling across this forum and the webpages about limerence has been such a big help in crystallizing the problem in my mind and also knowing it's not just me. Made it easier to open up to my husband...well somewhat easier - getting me to actually talk about my emotions is like bleeding a rock, poor darling, he pulled over to the side of the road and listened as I cried and eventually came out with it all.

He just listened, didn't overreact or get angry, told me he loved me and even said he understood why I would be attracted to LO as he took responsibility over the way he overreacts at times and how it must've made it difficult for me.

He's now doing his own research into limerence and shared some articles he's found with me. I do wonder if he'll eventually find this forum, I haven't registered so can't delete these posts, and I know he'll recognise me in a heartbeat.... so in case he does - "Hi Honey :) Hope you're not too weirded out by this..."

He's taking his time to process (out playing soccer to let off some steam now) and he said he will let me know what sort of boundaries he'd like me to put in place towards LO. At the moment looks like he'll be joining me on client meetings and training one our staff members to look after the work. Also no more dropping in for coffee and breakfast etc. Goodbye to those dopamine highs, but so worth it.

It prompted such a good discussion between us, it feels so good to be totally open about it. I was seeing a psychologist around this time last year to help me through a breakdown, I had discussed these feelings at the time but I think we wrote it down to my first crush after marriage and that those feelings were normal. She recommended that I not tell my husband lest he becomes open about his crush feelings and the effect that would have on me at the time. Also my offloading on him could increase his insecurity just for my sake of venting. But considering how long this 'crush' lasted and the intensity of it, so glad I finally said something. I feel for hubby though because it is such a toll on him, so far he describes the feelings as hurt and confused and he needs time to process which I understand, I'm feeling all this relief, but now he's having to deal with this. I felt so bad for telling him, but he keeps telling me that he's glad I did.

It also completely blindsided him though, and I wonder about whether my ability to hide my feelings so well is maybe not such a good thing. I really need to be better at communicating. He emotionally reacts / communicates which shuts me down from communicating which then does a cycle because he sees my silence as a lack of emotion / care whereas his reactions are a way of showing how much he cares about a particular subject. We're working on it...

For now, the relief is amazing. Verbalising it has helped so much to put it into perspective. I don't imagine it going away overnight, and we've got quite a task ahead of us navigating this ongoing, but for now it's really good to have hubby onside.
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