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LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Mrs Nonsensical

LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

What a relief to find this forum.

I'm a young married woman in her twenties, almost at 6 years marriage now. Love my husband. A little over 3 years ago, we went into business (accounts consultancy) together. Needless to say it has put a strain on our marriage, and particularly I struggle in handling my husband's tendency to emotionally react immediately either by expressing anger verbally, door slams etc Now working together in a more stressful environment and constantly having to make business decisions (which we don't always see eye to eye on) has added pressure.

Cue meeting my first client - charming, handsome (without the additional weight gain that comes post marriage) and quietly thoughtful. Been there with him through the exciting start of a new concept / business and was absolutely heartbroken when the business failed 1.5 years later. Now there's an effect on his other current business which worries me. Through it all I've much admired his resilience under pressure and the kind way he deals with staff and customers.

Limerence has lasted 3 years so far and has been postively excruciating, if it's possible to feel two extremes of pleasure and pain, and both simultaneously - it's so unnerving to feel a loss of control of emotions, a rollercoaster of highs and lows - just purely based on the way he interacts with me. So damn irrational. Then the ever-constant nagging nature of the thoughts, every waking hour for the last 3 years. Boggles my brain that knowing I have a meeting with him will affect my choice in clothes and makeup, heck I've adjusted my weekend routine to travel half an hour at almost 6am in the morning just so I can stop by his place for a coffee so I can see him. Then if he doesn't seem happy I plummet into worry. I worry about the current business situation. Then I worry about how I convey my worry and whether he sees me as unprofessional. Ugh.

I get that my attachment is probably my seeking from my LO what I crave from my husband, a more intimate & steady business relationship. My husband is unaware of my limerence, but I have expressed how it makes me feel when he lashes out over minor issues. He's working at it and I'm grateful, he has many strengths and this happens to be one flaw. Trust me to take that one flaw and blow it out of proportion (I also deal with perfectionism and OCD I wouldn't place outside of my emotional profile, I work in accounts after all). I also see my marriage as a matter of integrity, there is so much pain that comes from betrayal. So it appears to be a choice in pain - painfully holding back one's emotions or pain of betrayal. At least one pain leaves one with a better conscience...

So in the meantime, I need to find a way to cope with the highs and lows of my emotions and especially being careful of the impact it has on my professionalism. Since my LO's business is struggling and I'm emotionally invested I find it difficult to be objective. Sometimes I'm concerned that I'm projecting some of my own business worries onto my LO, or whether that's me doubting my professional competence (another issue). Balancing care, compassion and professionalism is difficult - throwing limerence in the mix adds another dimension.

I also fear that I'm giving him (LO) mixed signals. LO is single, almost 10 years older. I've felt a mutual attraction I think (probably my wishful thinking) but I rationalize he's cautious as well. And then there's the guilt that comes from wanting his affection. Terrible wife I am. But I'm not who I feel, it's how I act.... it helps, somewhat. Sigh. I think about letting him go as a client, but how do I explain that to my husband... And my feelings aside, it would be selfish to leave my role in his business esp during a crucial time...

Stuck. I just need to learn to deal with it I guess. Expresing it here is a good start, very grateful for the column and for whoever puts up with this little rant, thank you
Bridget
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2019 2:18 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Bridget »

Hi Mrs. N.,

Welcome! You seem to be in the right place.

I’m sure your LO has warm feelings for you given the support and sincere concern you offer for his businesses. Wether it’s more than appreciation is a different question. Do you think you and SO can work on strengthening your marriage?
Buryafriend
Posts: 13
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2019 11:57 pm
Gender:
Age: 48
United States of America

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Buryafriend »

Deleted
Last edited by Buryafriend on Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:25 am, edited 4 times in total.
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Dear Bridget

Thank you so much for the welcome and your reassuring words, I really appreciate it.

Yes, defs need to work on being closer to my husband. I think it's really nice that he feels secure enough not to worry too much about it his weight, I've only just started to raise it as a concern recently after being married 5 years, I haven't given the sexual side of things huge importance....but maybe as the years have gone by I feel like I would like to be tried for, just my vanity maybe.

I guess the allure with LO is the sexual and intellectual attraction, a rather deadly combination. Although I hate the thought of compromising my beliefs and everything I stand for, putting almost 6 years of hard work down the drain, facing my family - I know one act can shatter it all and it makes me anxious to feel so vulnerable.
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Dear BuryAFriend

I'm so sorry you deleted your post and my delay in replying (fell asleep after posting my last reply to Bridget) life is too hectic, how do we manage to have time for these sort of feelings!!

Just wanted to let you how much I really appreciated your perspective and thank you so much for going to the trouble of registering and sharing your experience, thank you.

Read it briefly during my lunch break and felt mortified at myself - goodness he must think I'm a professional flirt and that my 'fake attraction' is something I use on all my clients. Mortified. People who manipulate people that way are so heartless....the pain it can cause - I hyperventilate at the thought that he could group me as that. I've tried so hard to keep a lid on it and hide it (some say that I do hide my feelings well) but at times I do stuff that makes me cringe.... what prompted this whole rant was on the weekend I stopped by, he looked off, quite sad in passing so I sent a txt 'thinking of you, how are you going?' - his reply along lines of ' that's nice, I'm all good'. He doesn't share those feelings, I feel like such an idiot and so embarrassed for asking, perhaps I blew his seemingly sad glance way out of proportion.

To be honest, I've thought the same on his end - that his charm is all to keep me engaged in work. He gets a pretty good price and I go the extra mile for his work. Any possibility your LO might feel likewise? Like we all, both ends, think the other is stringing along each other for business? Sad because it does happen....
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

I'm thinking about telling LO... if I could just keep it light and matter of fact and try to be an adult about how these feelings happen to us all (maybe cite limerence, think he's aware of my ocd tendencies already) - that way we are on the same page that nothing can happen because I'm married and we can move on with our professional relationship...

Scenario 1. He doesn't have feelings, or unwilling to admit. Total humiliation and I'm seen as unprofessional and can't manage her feelings.

Scenario 2. Ideal situation he accepts situation and we move on.

Scenario 3. He does have feelings, and wants to go further. I don't want to go down affair territory, but because I feel so vulnerable I worry about increasing the temptation if he becomes aware of my feelings and reciprocates.

Am I missing a scenario?

In case of scenario 3 it would be a case of ending the biz relationship quickly and telling SO. I just pray I have the strength to do so and remember how much I love my husband and the pain I could cause.

Guess it's a matter of my willingness to accept scenario 1. It's hard to tell if he has feelings, we both are pretty reserved personalities. He's older but does look younger, his last girlfriend (not that I'm a FB stalker, cue eye roll here) is younger than me and far more attractive. He's been single I think about a year and a half (limerent brain says it's because of me, eye roll again) but more likely he's lost confidence with the biz failure perhaps. He tells me he's started to go for drinks with the staff (to which I say good on you I'm glad you're finally getting some down time even though inside I'm so jealous) and his ex is now back in town after travelling a year and a half. I bumped into her helping him at the restaurant one evening. He asked if I was okay getting home cause it was dark (concern, or just wanting to make ex jealous I think).

Sigh. Maybe I should just embarass myself. At least if there's any slight chance he does have feelings there's no confusion. Would hate to put anyone through any semblance of the pain I've been through.... But what if this is all one sided (which I've read is often the case and my brain is playing tricks and reading attraction into nothing) ...ugh.....
Buryafriend
Posts: 13
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2019 11:57 pm
Gender:
Age: 48
United States of America

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Buryafriend »

Deleted.
Last edited by Buryafriend on Wed Apr 17, 2019 11:08 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Buryafriend
Posts: 13
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2019 11:57 pm
Gender:
Age: 48
United States of America

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Buryafriend »

Deleted.
Last edited by Buryafriend on Wed Apr 17, 2019 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Thank you heaps...

A few questions for you...

1) what is LOs relationship status?
2) what is your relationship status?

I'm so sorry for your pain, I don't think anyone knows exactly another's pain.....but just from my own experience it's beyond words isn't it. Can see we have similar feelings of self shame - that we should be smart enough to get a grip. Apparently I read limerence occurs in 5% of the population and 1 in 5 commit suicide? It is awful, took me awhile to acknowledge it as an illness. For you to have struggled longer than I have - good on you.
Mrs Nonsensical

Re: LO is Work Client - Managing Professionalism

Post by Mrs Nonsensical »

Thank you for the additional scenario and your thoughts on my reply.

I think your scenario is what I meant by scenario 2? If we both acknowledge the feelings are there but accept it can't be. I'm assuming that I'm the only one with limerence so it will be more painful for me, if he has any feelings usually they run their course as normal crushes do, and him knowing that there is no chance would help him I think to move on. Agree it's going to be torture for me to watch him move on and start other relationships etc. but in a way I'll be happy for him if he's happy. I might hit the gym a little more during those times (nothing like a punching bag, some weights, crazy poetry or having a good cry).

Affair isn't an option for me. Limerence is all about me, not him. My LO is a fantasy in my mind, the actual man is someone I care for deeply, but he has flaws too and isn't the answer to my problems. I need to work at ways for me to cope (which in this case looking at changing my business relationship to being more distant, I'll need to stop dropping in for coffee etc whenever I get a chance and limit our meetings to anything that absolutely can't be sorted over email) and strengthening my marriage.

Ps, handing the work over to hubby isn't possible at this point either, accounts isn't really his thing and atm navigating through potential insolvency issues with this client which requires a little more experience.
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