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The "J" Merry-Go-Round

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: The "J" Merry-Go-Round

Post by JupiterTaco »

Watchmaker wrote: Wed Nov 20, 2019 2:50 pm I read every word. So sorry for the trauma you have been through. I admire your resolve to heal and do the self care.
Thanks, WM!
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: The "J" Merry-Go-Round

Post by JupiterTaco »

1/25/2020 Hale The Discard!

Well the time has come. I’m officially in the “discard” pile. So I mentioned in another post that J was getting close to another woman in the building. The first time I saw them together, I felt bad because I didn’t want to be near them because purportedly J was interested in me once and seemed limerent and I had tried so hard to avoid her in past weeks.

So when I saw them outside smoking together, I just figured she was finally moving on, and I was happy in a way and sad in another way (which like I said has nothing to do with her and I recognize that). So I didn’t want to seem like I was interfering since I hadn’t seen J hardly at all in past weeks like I normally would’ve in and out going to and from work and on walks, etc. Plus I was sick for almost a month so that was another obvious reason I hadn’t seen her.

I just kind of slipped past them, etc. After J had followed me in a second later and circled around behind me while I waffled through my mail waiting for the elevator and the girl went into the elevator with me and gave me a strange look (I’d never met this woman in my life), I was afraid the cycle was about to start all over again. And many of my triggers were triggered all over again.

Yes, my abandonment wounds were activated at the thought of her finding someone else but it had nothing to do with wanting her for myself. I know that she might not know that, but I can admit that she needed to move on and deep down I would be happy one day, because me and her would not be good together.

Then I started seeing J around again in the afternoons when I’d be heading out for a walk or whatever. She’d call me over and compliment my hair and laugh, etc. One day one maintenance man was teasing me that I’d be back to Doordash as soon as I needed money, I turned around laughing and I was like “excuse me? No job owned me before and no job is going to own me now!” or something like that, I don’t entirely remember because right after that J, who had been facing me when I came out of the elevator that particular day, and had circled behind me as I continued to the front door to go for my walk explaining that I hadn’t been back driving for Doordash because I was done with them.

So after that, J had quipped that she agreed with him, that was what she thought. I turned around not realizing how close she’d gotten to me, and she was fingering this new cross necklace she had and kind of pulled on it when I looked at her. Real quick I’m going to touch on a brief subject before I continue. This is one I’ve been meaning to post here, but I’ll just say that I can always tell when J has a new supply source. She wears much of the same style of clothes for the most part, but every time she’s grooming someone new, a new trinket appears. With the former manager she’d dated who wore glasses, it was glasses without frames that she wore for weeks working the front desk when she was doing that.

Before that, I vaguely remember she had one of those red dot things on her forehead when she was dating another guy in the building and I barely knew her or paid attention to her. At one point it was a scorpion necklace. Now, it’s a cross, which I can just guess might be connected to latest supply but I don’t know.

All I know is that even though interacting closely with her certainly still gives me a high, I felt like things were improving because I was keeping the chit-chat cut short and sticking to my routine and just being friendly and not giving her much to work with (in case she were still interested).
So that was that encounter and then I saw her I think a couple of days later, at a time I was sure I wouldn’t see her on my way out for a walk, but she was sitting right outside the elevator as if she expected me to come out of it (but again since there wasn’t what was going on before, I didn’t let myself think that it was because of me, and as it turns out it wasn’t. But it didn’t stop her from practically cornering me to stop and talk to her for a minute. Since things had been going well between us, I didn’t feel nervous or anything so I took a seat on another chair and caught up briefly.

She proceeded to tell me after complimenting my hair, that I look Brazilian. I just kind of laughed and she’s like “you do!” laughing. So that was that, until a second later she said that she was downstairs waiting for her “friend” and voiced her name, which I don’t even remember, who’d left her wallet in her apartment and she was down waiting for her. She told me this while staring at me intently, with that same look as the first time she commented on another woman’s butt. The equivalent of twisting someone’s arm during a coaxed warm embrace, but in a look. So imagine my shock and the ick factor.

Her “friend” came in almost immediately after that and J goes “there she is” and introduces us. The woman goes “hiiii” almost with attitude without looking at me so I just said hi back and for a second we were all silent and J was kind of facing her. I kind of took that as the initiative to excuse myself and head out for my walk and didn’t look back.

I was pretty peeved about that interaction because though it may seem innocent on the outside, given J’s past behavior, I knew what it all meant. She’d gotten my attention to suck me back in (hoover), flirt and comment on my body and then imply that she’s getting busy somewhere else, (like a discard) all in a span of what, three minutes??? And the look in her eyes! It was truly malicious, like she wanted to hurt me.

It didn’t affect me until later and really it just offended me. For one thing, my real estate seminars are spaced two hours apart or so roughly all day, so trying to find time to walk while avoiding J and driving in the afternoons and evenings before that had been quite a task. I had started feeling a little better about the idea of not having to worry so much before this happened.

So the whole interaction annoyed me mostly at myself because I let myself get suckered into hanging around which she clearly wanted me to do to introduce the two of us, and have it go that way, and that was what happened. I don’t know why the woman had an attitude with me. Because she had to come back for her wallet (which I’d certainly understand)? Or because J had been talking shit about me? Or because possibly she saw through J’s crap like I did and we both knew it was J manipulating us into meeting and being affected by it?

IDK, but since I ran into them the next morning, I can be certain she’s not wise to J yet. This woman is a bit overweight, and slumps over a bit when she walks. I have to be honest, when I saw her come in that day, all I could think about was that time J told me about the heavyset guy she’d intentionally dated and then got mad because he wasn’t “grateful”.

That was exactly when I realized I knew who J was. She’s truly bad news. I knew it, my body knew it, and my heart was more than hesitant. But I still couldn’t stop feeling guilty about not dating her until this happened and had been stuck with the torn feeling that much of what J does could be attributed to her struggles with being trans, bisexual, biracial and possibly a lifetime of inadequacy and feeling rejected which would be somewhat understandable, but I know now that it’s not.

As luck would have it, I ran into J in the elevator on my one trip downstairs the next day at yet another different time trying to avoid J out for my walk. J avoided my eyes and said nothing as I awkwardly got on the elevator and turned my back to her facing the door, which was hard because I truly am terrified of her. I don’t necessarily like not being able to see where she is and what she’s doing, and I know now that it’s because of her narc-like behavior over several months. She may interpret it as interest but it’s fear.

Anyway then she complimented my hair but I was wearing my headphones so it was easy to just ignore her. I Can’t Stand It by Eric Clapton was inexplicably playing in my headphones right then. I saw her through my phone looking around like she was trying to see what I was doing on my phone but I just ignored her and as soon as the elevator opened, I left. Guess who was outside the elevator? The other girl, getting a snack, who turned and looked right at me as I walked out. I realized she looks a lot like Kenny Suttner, you know has a lot of similar facial features, etc. That threw me off and triggered me too. I managed a tight smile at her and promptly left the building. That’s the last time I’ve seen them so far.

Since this happened, I went through my predictable OCD period as the triggered bullied child, of trying to figure out once again what all of this crap means. Was I really blowing all of this out of proportion? The way it seems like more and more people look at me strangely and avoid talking to me the more that time goes by.

But my body knew and it still hasn’t recovered. That was all a slick social move by J to devalue me, elevate the other girl, and perhaps get back at me for not doing what she wanted before. I hope I’m wrong. I really hope that it’s just the two of us who trigger the crap out of each other in such insane ways and that maybe J and this girl would be a more calm match together, but I know too much of her history which she gladly shared with me. She’s repeating the same patterns that she did with the former manager, tried to do with me and now with this new girl.

My stomach was actually sick for a whole day and I found myself shaking randomly whenever this would come to my head. The first day after all of this was hard. I read articles and watched narcissistic abuse videos and it all made so much sense and validated me. I’ve decided to start going for walks earlier in the morning before J gets up. Will that work for avoiding her? Time will tell. I did it today and am happy to say I didn’t see her.

Tonight, I found myself slipping back into self-doubt. I watched some more videos, reinforced my position, worked on some of my writing including these journal entries, and any time I need reinforcements, I now have two more journal entries reminding me that I’m not crazy or judgmental. Maybe a little quiet borderline. Definitely avoidant. Definitely schizotypal. Definitely ADHD, OCD, and possibly Asperger’s.

But the point is, I can trust my instincts. And not only can I trust them, I’m finally justified to completely ignore J in every manner should I run into her, and not feel bad about it. So maybe this had to happen as much as it sucked. She doesn’t deserve one more single nanosecond of my time or attention. I’ll say a prayer for the new woman and be on my way.

Some people say ignoring the narcissist is the wrong way to deal with them. But I must say ignoring her in the elevator that one day felt pretty damn good. So maybe there’s also a bit of sadist in me after all too. But I’ll indulge it sparingly.
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Wed Apr 06, 2022 9:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: The "J" Merry-Go-Round

Post by JupiterTaco »

1/26/20 THE SADO-MASOCHIST DANCE-YIN AND YANG

My last comment got me thinking a little more about this whole thing, plus something that I think it was L-F that said somewhere else on the forum. That LSs are masochists. Then I read somewhere that two of the eight human shadows are that of the sadist and masochist. Which makes sense in a way. Each of these might possibly have been pivotal to our survival at some point (the “sadist” is associated with the “hunter”).

On yet another website, all of the things that were said to be done by a masochist, are things that I have done at one time or another including waiting and/or hoping someone will or might leave their spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever. Intentionally starting or continuing a relationship with an abusive person, knowing who they are. Unwittingly putting yourself into dangerous situations, etc. I don’t remember the rest anymore but yes they all fit me and I had to admit that I have a huge masochistic shadow. This should’ve been obvious considering my past, but for whatever reason it wasn’t. Not when I was bombarded with unwanted urges and images in my mind of me self-harming in serious ways; not when I did self-harm as a teenager.

For years, I had a mild fantasy of a gay male couple who engaged in mild sado-masochism; a prison guard and an inmate, who was forced into it after much time of passive-aggressive mistreatment by said guard and his more violent treatment of other inmates. The sickening reality of such an obvious power imbalance fades into the distance when I explain that really in my fantasy this was being subconsciously acted out on both sides. The fantasy was less about actions and more about the silent transactions to me.

They really enjoyed it, and though the relationship started by the guard pushing him into it, the inmate really wanted it, invited it in his own way, enjoys it and as time goes by, they both secure each others’ needs and the violent guard really lets himself go both animalistically and also showing his vulnerability to this one inmate. His dependency on this intensifies over time and starts becoming more noticeable, while the inmate is able to keep it more inside. So in essence I had a years-long trauma bond fantasy.

Nobody ever sees this going on behind the closed, locked doors. They see them go in. They see how it looks on the outside. That the guard is forcing him into it and the inmate looks scared and doesn’t want it. They see this guard increasingly going after this inmate to the detriment of his own self-control and the lingering threat of losing his career, and the silent mulling of different escape plans the inmate turns over in his mind.

But behind closed doors, they have a transaction going on, and both sides are getting needs met. They might not stay together outside prison walls, and they may not have been first choice of getting their own needs met intially. They may have a certain sense of revulsion and obsession with each other and what is happening between them but they had the same connection the first time they saw each other.

My love for the queer fellas is another topic for another time, but let me just say it’s gotten me into some trouble and I realize that now. The three
guys I’ve had something going with were all straight including my narcissistic ex, who had a heightened hatred toward gay people (but he was in prison before so yeah).

Before I get into the topic for tonight, I’m just going to go on a quick tangent to say that much of the hatred toward the GLBTQ community can probably be attributed to one big thing aside from the already-understood narcissistic fear of anything different and god-forbid shadow-inducing for closeted narcissists among other things, who see these people beckoning and hoping to “switch them over” to “their side”.

This other thing is prison rape. We all know it happens. The men who killed James Byrd Jr. so savagely, though clearly suffering from apparent personality disorders, were sexually abused by black inmates in prison at one time. Given the numbers of incarcerated and formerly-incarcerated people in this country and the long history of large numbers of prison rape victims, it’s a safe bet that much of the hatred, animosity and violence toward the GLBTQ community today is from people who have been in that situation or know someone who was in that situation and couldn’t get out.

They had no choice but to endure it to survive or fight back which they couldn’t do when they’re outnumbered as they mostly are when it happens. Because like any rape or assault, it’s not an act of sex but humiliation and degradation, often by straight inmates and not gay ones. Yet the gay community gets the punishment.

Even though other associates of the perpetrator may witness it when this happens, and the very ones who engage in this sort of behavior disconnect it from who they are, continually hating against true gay people, because what they do doesn’t “make them gay”. They just have needs and prison is prison. It’s a dog-eat-dog world in the worst of ways.

Men separated from women and sex, which for many of them, is their only vulnerable release, other than being a physical need, assert their dominance in the worst ways. It’s part assert dominance, fill needs (purportedly) and make someone smaller than you as miserable and lonely as you are. Add race and culture into the mix and see how worse things get.

Whereas a potential victim or a victim must work hard to protect himself from it happening or he’ll be bait from then on. He’ll be labeled as a “punk”, who is really gay and asked for it and deserves it. Men in this situation have been quietly told to discreetly find a man to protect him in return if they can’t become big and aggressive enough to fight to the death to save himself, which he should “definitely do first”.

So it’s odd that a fantasy like that would stem from something I orininally read about and was so upset about that I couldn’t think straight for months when I first stumbled across a website with stories upon stories of surviving this type of thing, for a school paper.
In college, it’s worth noting that we saw the movie Midnight Express, among others that centered around the experience of being locked up in another country. The man in this movie, who had certainly done something to be put in there, found himself living with substandard physical conditions, and despite making acquaintances in there, was mostly lonely.

After his girlfriend goes to visit him and he experiences the sheer pain of not being able to touch her, she gives him money, which he turns around to give to a particularly nasty prison guard as a bribe, who takes the money and takes him into a room to rape him. He doesn’t act particularly aggressive when he does this. He takes him into the room, locks the door and starts undoing his belt, staring at the inmate.

The inmate knocks him out and manages to escape and escape his sentence, but that scene and the what-ifs bothered me. That scene bothered me so much but I couldn’t get it out of my head for months. I was angry at being forced to see it.
Eventually to my dismay that was how my longtime fantasy evolved. I don’t know how or why that happened. I tried to shove it out of my head, after years of trying to keep that scene out of my head but nevertheless it evolved. I guess I could experience the connection of the little sexual intimacy I had with my narcissistic ex, the idea that I had that with a “loving” (scoff) man, and that someone trying to coerce you into sexual acts you’re not sure you want is actually a beautiful thing (as I saw it at the time).

Because this guy was so good at love-bombing and making me feel like I could trust him and that he needed me in particular, without making me feel “hunted” I guess I imagined that was how my fantasy of the guard and the inmate went long after I broke up with my ex. The guard really just wanted intimacy, vulnerability and release. Not to subject another human being to terrible abuse that he really didn’t want. In essence I dreamed up an extreme form of trauma bond. The fantasy was more about their connection than the things they did with each other which I didn’t think much about.

This fantasy played itself out in my head in many other ways; woman on woman, man on woman, woman on man, etc. But for some reason I was fascinated by the man-on-man idea. Near as I can figure, I can’t think of anything hotter than two members of the “dominant, unfeeling” gender having that kind of vulnerability with each other. Maybe it makes the world a better place somehow in my mind (or takes male attention away from me, where I don’t want it, even if my inner-fatherless child thinks she wants it).

But I’ve been aware for some time even before that, that I had ongoing crushes on guys in school who were either rumored to be or later came out to be gay. (I didn’t meet any bisexual that I’m aware of, etc. until years later and only met J, a trans, two or so years ago).
Yet I always seemed to have a gaggle of gay guys, bisexuals and lesbians in my outer circle in some way (my few straight friends weren’t always as accepting). It was always like they came to me rather than the other way around, like they just flocked to me. For years I figured it was because I accepted them for who they were. I didn’t care who was getting it on with who or who wanted to. If someone was nice to me that was all that mattered to me to be associated with them. We didn’t hang out outside of school.

I know now that it’s probable that these crushes on gay guys were really my inner self looking for the bisexuality in myself and my gender identity issues and to embrace it. Even though I had a few mild crushes on other girls in school over the years and other strange experiences (I talk about this in more detail in one of my sexuality posts which I haven’t posted, I have a lot to catch up on…) I figure that being a fatherless girl combined with having mostly straight female friends who gushed about and obsessed about boys, made me do the same, and the idea that I had nothing in common with girls having spent my formative years in a neighborhood of mostly boys, and a family of mostly men and boys. If I had such trouble maintaining friendships with other girls, how was I to have a relationship with one if I thought about it at all? Also boys demanded attention.

Another possibility is the reality that my elementary school music teacher, who was rumored to be gay, favored one little boy I hated who came out gay years later, to the extent that it was sickeningly noticeable by the rest of our class but nobody really said anything. Nevertheless he, who was more girly than any other boy who was called that, was never bullied that I can remember.

This boy was always rude to me, and was coddled by my original all-female friend group I was eventually discarded from, because they all lived in the same neighborhood. All I knew was that the bully of that group, who ridiculed me for at times playing with boys, was being a hypocrite and I didn’t know why.

In reality this boy was effeminate and quite the baby if I’m being honest. So yes all these things colored my image of gay boys/guys for years to come and I just didn’t know it. Don’t ask me how it colored my view of music. I quit choir over it and never did join another school music group.
Maybe that was one reason why gay guys did the whole fawning thing with me and tried to win me over or something. I don’t know, I just know that I never hated somebody for being gay, and it should’ve been a mystery why this was happening to me but I never thought about it. They were gay, not me.

So maybe the part of me that likes non-binary guys is still just innately seeking the approval of that music teacher or to get revenge on the first gay boy I ever encountered, whom he and my friends favored. Or that of my stepdad who, though straight, clearly resented the macho man expectations placed on him (but he wouldn’t be the only one).

Or it could be that I’m chasing the closeness I felt with Grandma L’s brother who was gay and who was, though mostly a stranger to me, did all kind of cool things for my brother and I over the years. Perhaps he was my first image of a consistently-behaving male that I ever had despite being mostly someone we never saw. Who knows.

I eventually figured out after having a crush on a college classmate who was outwardly gay, but who seemed to at times be giving me special attention, that I didn’t want to sleep with him. I realized I was fine just being on the sidelines watching his life and biding him happiness. I just wanted to be there. Which was a strange thing to realize I guess. (Another female friend of his had told me out of the blue that he’d once had sex with a woman).

Years later, one manager at my retail job who was married but rumored to be gay and screwing one of my (gay) coworkers, bullied me incessantly and eventually drove me out of my job. I had been somewhat out as bisexual by then but I didn’t go around advertising it really. My closest friend who was also bisexual knew, and who she told I don’t know and never cared. I didn’t engage in gossip and shut it down when it came my way.

My attention was on my last LO, who was also rumored to be gay. I could see the disgusted look on this manager’s face when he was coaching me one night and I referred to myself casually in male form, something stupid like saying “I don’t want to be the bad guy” (instead of girl) about a grievance and it hit me. It really bothered him that I could take the man in me, the woman in me, the boy in me and the girl in me and display them all so well and casually. It had nothing to do with my work, which was excellent. He couldn’t stand my self-assuredness.

And it’s not like in a way I can blame him. Lesbian/bisexual women are seemingly more accepted in society than gay men (presumably because of the hope that many narcissistic men have that they can still get them in bed with them and their wives but moving on…)
People sexualize lesbians, bisexuals, non-binary women and even transwomen, but not so much men, and that’s the only reason I believe that any homosexual behavior between women is even allowed, despite that women across the spectrum have higher murder and violence rates than other women. But it’s not my problem, it’s his problem to deal with. I can’t help that I was born with a vagina.

So regardless of how this situation turned out (and there have been plenty which I discuss in my nine-and-growing sexuality posts), its clear there has always been certain energy between me and queer guys, whether positive or negative. Something was always there. It was the case with my former queer neighbor and now with the trans girl J.

But for years I didn’t think about it, because I had many unhealthy patterns like that, such as always having a gaggle of older perverted men around me also, vying for my attention everywhere I went but almost never actually making a move. So I didn’t feel threatened by them. I thought this was normal, and my bisexual friend was the one who forced me to look at that. I know now that they probably also kept guys my age away even LO who might’ve made a move.

Speaking of J, I saw them again yesterday. I was out for my hour walk, and as soon as I approached an intersection about three blocks from where we all live, I saw J and her new “supply” walking out of a store on the other side of the street as if they were there waiting for me. J saw me before I saw her, she was staring at me. I was just kind of casually looking across the street in the direction I was trying to go, and saw her looking at me (I’d looked really closely when approaching the intersection and nobody had been there so I know I was there first).

I crossed the street on my side and was walking and J was actually calling out to me and I didn’t look but it seemed she was holding her cell phone. She continued to call out to me louder and louder as I ignored her with my headphones on and they started walking on the opposite side of the street in the same direction.

I was terrified, I picked up my pace and had to walk around someone else. At this point I was almost ahead of them on my side of the street and they turned to cross the street toward me right then but had to wait for a car and I walked across the connecting street on my side and picked up the pace and went home.

That wasn’t quite the “ignoring” I had read that I had to do with a narcissist. That wasn’t anywhere near “grey rock”. That was probably still giving J supply, but I didn’t give a shit. I wanted to try my best to avoid another awkward lobby or elevator encounter, however that was perceived. I got back and was out of sight before they got back.

After that, I tried to imagine if she really was holding her phone in her hand and why. I imagined her trying to put a restraining order or something against me and found out how easy it is to get a certain type of TRO (I don’t know if she’s smart enough to know that, but it made me really upset and my mind started involuntarily imagining what would happen if she accused me of stalking her). I remembered the back-and forth between my mom and aunt and uncle and stepdad for years. I would have to move, at my expense in the middle of my lease. I might not be able to get out of it.

There’d be no way to be sure to avoid her in the elevator or lobby (I’ve been trying) and if she were malevolent enough to do that for any reason other than being genuinely scared of me (which she bragged once that she was once in a gang and is also over a foot taller than me and always approaches me, so I doubt that), she could easily escalate the situation on her behalf with pure malice because any other encounter we had I could be blamed for if she did that.

Otherwise I know it’d be hard for her to get a PRO, as I have not called her, texted her, and do not seek her out whatsoever and don’t talk to her first when I see her, and this has been going on since I initially rejected her all of those months ago. Nevertheless I’m beyond terrified. I would happily not see her ever again at this point. I would also love the idea of moving out of here as I was going to last year but got sick. But anything like that on my record (which is clean) could really screw with my life in so many ways.

So today not only did I walk earlier, I really tweaked my walking path. The path that I walk around the neighborhood, I settled on early last spring because much of it is past a large industrial area a bit far away where there’s less car traffic, which was why I liked it and I like industrial areas over the touristy shopping areas since I don’t like crowds.

It was the perfect route for me, exactly an hour, and later came in handy between my real estate webinars. I am not going to stop my daily exercise. I’ve tried that too many times trying to get her out of my hair for awhile and I can’t do it anymore. My health depends on it. I have high blood pressure apparently though being on a mostly plant-based diet. (Gee, I wonder why). I’ve been doing my grocery shopping at night, and up until I quit Doordash was taking my midday break at the library to charge my phone to avoid coming home and possibly running into or seeing her.

I’m just reeling about this whole situation. How she worked so hard to shove this other woman in my face, was calling out to me more insistently as I walked past her and ignored her, and basically proved to me and all the cars and one person walking that I saw around us, that she wasn’t over all this. She was the one making such a scene.

I found myself thinking of a scene in the movie Obsessed (2009) where Derek’s coworker says about his obsessed stalker, “I’ll bet you wished you screwed her now for all the trouble!” which Derek denied. Tongue-in-cheek, later today as I found myself involuntarily imagining J and his new supply getting it on, and stopped myself, I realized that was kind of how I felt. She was acting like a pathological ex, and I felt like a pathological ex, and we never even fucked or dated! We kissed once, and it was just a quick peck from her, there was no heart to it. It is so mind-boggling!
I realize that having sex would’ve created whole new sets of problems and made things much worse (for me, probably not her). Some vaginas and dicks have razors, and don’t get me started about manginas, I don’t even want to know what’s going on down there. Where’s the razor??? Anybody know?

All kidding aside, this is not funny whatsoever. Not even close so I don’t want to seem like I’m laughing at her because I’m not. There’s nothing funny about this situation or the fact that there’s a little boy inside J that is so hurt and lost that he’s got to behave so destructively toward anybody who gets close to him (or ignores him) or tries in any way, to get back at the bigger narcissistic man who created and beat him down, and who is really trying so hard to get the attention of the trans woman outside who for whatever reason will not acknowledge him.

(I say “boy” rather than “girl” as J probably always was, because being born anatomically male and indoctrinated male certainly presented its own problems/toxic masculinity, etc. that she would need to deal with and heal from to become herself). It’s truly sad and painful to watch. I think that’s what makes it so hard to keep my stance, but I realized I have to. I’m not required to set myself on fire to keep others warm and there’s no telling how far she might go to try to make me as miserable as she is if she doesn’t get whatever it is she wants.

She hasn’t actually done anything remotely harassing and I never told her to stop contacting me, nor did she tell me but I don’t contact her. The only evidence I’ve got are my journals detailing all of our encounters out and about which would probably make me culpable if anybody ever saw it because of all that I’ve discussed here, despite not approaching or talking to her. She’s still on my mind and I’m at war with my own mind trying to do the right thing for myself and it’s documented on paper.

What’s disturbing to me is that the little girl in me, still after all of this, still aches for her when I don’t see her, or the many things she represents. She reminds me of my mother and other people in my past. Her pattern is familiar though unhealthy. But I still barely know her. It’s disgusting. I don’t indulge it but it mystifies me. Because she piled on the attention, something I’m not used to, to get me hooked. Sometimes it seems a bit like we’re an example of that prison guard and inmate in my fantasy.

Which is even more disturbing to me! Because I swear on my life that I’m not doing this on purpose! I’ve really, really tried to avoid her. I don’t want to see her and the other girl together but I feel that way about all couples. Couples just aren’t my thing. I prefer to avoid them after my experience with former BPD-friend and her obnoxious behavior upon finding her forever love all those years ago and the idea she projected onto me that I have to settle for an unhealthy relationship to have one.

Nevertheless when I encounter J I react in one of three ways, freezing, fawning (when she’s flirting which probably makes me appear to be flirting back because I’m just so friggin terrified to be around her but when she’s being nice, I felt pressured to return the favor however I can, while half of me hopes she’s sincere and not a threat and the other half wants to run away) or fleeing.

She seems to get a particular kick out of surprising me. She’s done it so many times by getting my attention in a specific way, almost with a threat in her voice at times the second I’m getting out of the elevator when she’s down there watching me. She likes being behind me. The one day I saw 11:11 on the clock as I was waiting for the elevator and she just happened to be on my mind. As I walked outside and was going to my car, I turned around and realized she was behind me walking up on me and then stopped and stammered that the other guy was whistling in the church yard. That was when I had an emotional flashback of my close-call kidnapping experience as a kid. It really bothered me but I was just frozen for a minute. But that was the answer for the synchronicity thing that day!

This situation has made me realize that I really don’t like being pursued (or seeming to be pursued) that much, which conflicts with what I was taught about being a woman and being primed to be pursued by men who are “hunting” you. It can’t be the other way around. That’s probably why I have such an affinity for the easy-going ones who never make a move.
It’s all an intricate game. Nevertheless these are times that I’m somehow reminded that I’m alive, that I’m here, right now and aware. And that somebody notices. More than that, somebody makes it that way. J drags me back into reality and reminds me of where I am when I normally spend so much of my time in dissociation and/or daydreams. Which is possibly the essence of what narcissistic supply means.
J once said the night I had agreed to get with her, that she doesn’t get gender roles in the GLBTQ community. I was like “it’s confusing, isn’t it? We’ll just do what we want I guess,” and she had kind of looked at me and the subject dropped.

When she’d told me about her mild sado-masochist experience (or at least the way she told it) with a couple here in the building when we were still friends, I remember telling her about a fantasy I had with my second-to-last former LO, fourth LO. This guy, was different from my other former LOs who were mostly empath-types.

This former LO was a big black guy, a possible socio/psychopath and had intense at-times scary eyes. They were a topic of conversation many times at work so I know it wasn’t just me.

I know that at first, his stare scared me and I tried to avoid him. When women passed him, they’d often turn and give him a nasty look at the back of his head as he walked on. The first time I saw him, stocking the department next to mine, I saw him and knew he was not the guy who used to work there, who was kind of an Eminem-lookalike.

Fourth LO, this guy T (straight), kind of appeared as I was staring into space going though my freight and his eyes never looked at me when he went from one aisle to another briefly on the other end of his department. Yet his eyes were like lazer-beams that I swear shined a light like a pen-light as he turned that corner.

One night, a manager asked me to go give him some stuff from the back. When I went out to give them to him, he’d reacted angrily, not looking at me and snearing angrily about all he had to do (pets was rough). I kind of reached out with sympathy to touch him and then stopped, remembering, wait, this dude scares me! Nevertheless he saw me do it and gave me a heavy-lidded smile. But that wasn’t the time I got hooked on his eyes.
Nor the one time I saw him flirting with another woman who worked with us outside in the parking lot one morning shortly before the lunch incident as I was leaving, and I had turned my car on and my Van Halen CD was blasting like I left it. I almost turned it down but didn’t for some reason. He’d turned to look over his shoulder at me and he stared at me as the other woman kind of watched with wide-eyes and he never looked away as I drove away.

It was another time, he and I were at a table together (he’d started getting chummy with my work friends) and I’d hastily made some comment of how something, I don’t remember what anymore, made me “sleep like a baby”. T had looked at me and given me this heavy-lidded blink, that kind of reminded me of warm honey or molasses pouring. Like a warm virtual eye hug. Nothing I’d ever experienced but I still remember it. That was it, just like that, I was hooked. To this day, that remains the sexiest look anybody has ever given me.

His eyes followed me in my mind incessantly after that. It was truly terrible for my life (but I enjoyed it at first). I felt like he was always there with me wherever I was, whatever I was doing. It was like always being with him. Nothing I’d ever experienced until then, not even with former LOs. My fixation with other LOs up to that point entailed how they weren’t with me and I wanted them there.

The next night, I was walking in from a walk outside, and he, who had been moved to door-greeter by then since he hurt himself in pets, kind of stepped out in front of me and asked with his heavy-lidded look, where I went. I was fawning and just said “just walking”, like scorning him for asking. I wasn’t attracted to this guy until I looked in his eyes. It was the strangest thing. Then all of a sudden all I wanted was him. It became similar to what I’m now going through with J but I never would’ve described her the same way as him, nor would I have described her eyes the same way. She masqueraded as a friend to me until that “gotcha” moment.

Fourth LO was almost always there, but there was a certain distance. He’d intertwine seeking me out and staring intently and flirting with me, with flirting with/staring at other women, etc. He also had another woman’s name tattooed on his neck of all places. That was but one indicator that he already had a girlfriend but I never had the guts to ask him, and aside from that I couldn’t get him out of my head, I know I didn’t really take him seriously. I could still think logically and realize he was not shit.

What I can gather of how I felt initially, was that his eyes and behavior probably triggered me the same way J is now triggering me, that any man would trigger me by doing these same things. Only I didn’t know it until then. And since I was so good at dissociating, I probably became intensely attracted to him either to unconsciously make myself more safe in the situation in case he didn’t back off, or because he definitely triggered my curiosity in many ways.

As time went on, and the leering looks continued, and him getting his kicks out of stopping me from whatever I was doing to interact with him, the fantasies put themselves together. One, the one I told J about, where I was tied up in a bundle of web-like ropes, like an insect caught in a web, and T was the spider, slowly crawling up the web with his intense eyes and well…you get the idea…

There was another one I had where T was a scorpion (he was actually a Scorpio) and I was a fish (Pisces) and he was doing me with his stinger on a tropical beach. The fantasies were so real and insanely intense it was like I was actually there, and they just wouldn’t stop. And they were the best I ever had.

Because these combined some of the things I feared a lot in childhood (spiderwebs, scorpions, etc.) I actually always liked bugs but I had a certain respect for them I guess. I was a little kid when I first heard how spider webs work with insects caught in them. How the more the insect struggles (or in some cases the spider wraps it) they get more stuck and entangled.

I remember at like seven or eight years old, asking someone, I think it was my grandma M, what happens if the web goes up the bug’s private? Grandma M might’ve said something along the lines of “that’s it, they’re still dead”. But it was just the worst thing to me, to think of that happening and don’t know where I got that idea at that age. For whatever reason, I always had fear and uncertainty around my private places. I mean I didn’t get the actual “bad touch” talk until I was ten. So maybe the fantasies were about combining so many of my fears; pain, bondage, bugs, men, sex, letting go, and conquering them in that way.

In all honesty, T was so big and heavy that he probably would’ve toppled the whole sucker down and left me flat on my face so I’m not sure how that might’ve worked out in real life but the fantasies were nice, if unbelievably unsettling. Let’s just say I was faced with a side of myself I didn’t quite feel settled with when I was stuck on him. I had an increasingly intense attraction that I couldn’t control no matter how hard I tried. Me, who’d grown up hearing that, though my mother slept around plenty, I was supposed to “save myself” for one man. The right one that I was never taught how to find, and which quite frankly I don’t think my family wanted me to find. While I feared sex and the idea of having it grossed me out.
So back to the long story, I had told J about that one fantasy where I was wrapped in a web and my fourth LO was the spider. J had taken a bit of interest in it and I’m pretty sure she’d curiously asked me about trying it with someone else and I had just kind of said that I think it’s only for a specific type of person.

Because at the time yes, it was true, only T was the perfect person for that fantasy. He had the mysteriousness, the eyes, the sort of ominousness about him, whether it was real or misconstrued by me. Now I kind of realize that J, who I believe is also a Scorpio but I can’t remember for sure, might’ve actually been another good candidate for that type of fantasy, but obviously I don’t want that…No effing daydreaming!!!

When I rejected her after thinking about getting with her, which I felt she was entitled to my honesty about, I was really nice about it. I thanked her for her kindness, etc. She seemed cool about it. I was hoping that was the end of it all, but it apparently wasn’t. Even though I continue to question in my mind whether I’m making more out of what’s happened than there is and that my behavior is really threatening her and she really is trying to move on, I know we continue to go back and forth between rejector and rejected, master and servant, sadist and masochist, parent and child, boyfriend and girlfriend, and toxic triangle with numerous other people and on and on and on just based on our myriad interactions over several months now.

When she chases me and I freeze and want to run; when I try to be friendly with her and make things right and she rebuffs me; when she stops me from what I’m doing and revels in it, when she compliments and flirts and then comments on somebody else’s appearance or body, or flirts in front of me. When she gets nervous when someone seems to be flirting with me in front of her, etc.

When she gets that dark gleeful look in her eyes similar to that of any of my former workplace bullies as she gets one over on me in such a way as she does such as the day with her “friend” in her apartment, and sees how I’m triggered, the cycle goes on and on. The thought of her getting turned on at embarrassing me both repulses and excites me in a way. Just as she repulses and excites me in a way altogether. It’s so insane.

When I ignore/avoid her, and she shows up even more and tries to force me to interact, either by being overly friendly or pretending indifference while starting conversation or with a sense of urgency, etc. The maniacal look in her eyes at times, the dead bored look at other times.
I know one thing. I’m moving out of this building this year come hell or high water. I’m going to get a storage unit and as soon as the weather warms up I’m going to start routinely bringing stuff over there from here so that if I’m sick on moving day next year, I’ll have a lot less to do. IDK how I’m going to afford that, but hopefully I’ll have a sales job by then or something else going on.

Maybe the last lesson I needed to learn from J is just that God is telling me to finally get the fuck out of this building (maybe not quite in those words). Oh and to learn what I have to learn from her and T’s “LO group” so that I don’t ever have the mispleasure of another person like them in my life ever again.
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Wed Apr 06, 2022 9:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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JupiterTaco
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Re: The "J" Merry-Go-Round

Post by JupiterTaco »

MY KARMA

I just had another thought about the encounter with J and her new supply the other day. What if instead of J yelling, that it was my karma yelling? Or that she was simply the medium and has been this whole time? Don’t get me wrong, I heard her yelling out for me so I didn’t imagine it. It was definitely her voice. But throughout the time I’ve known her, I’ve had the realization of one other fact aside from that she acts like my mother at times, and even sits like my stepdad at other times.

She looks quite a bit like a former friend of mine, whom I’ve briefly mentioned off and on I think. Or if not him, she definitely acts in ways like his boyfriend, who was the queer former neighbor I mentioned in journal entries past, who had come onto me after they broke up and he’d moved down the hall. Yep, down the hall instead of IDK, across town, like most people, so his poor ex could move on with his life…but I digress.

This friend of mine, I don’t think he was trans, or at least he never said so, not when I knew him when we were young, but he went by a gender-neutral name, posed effeminately, talked softly, and dabbled in cross-dressing. He was the sweetest guy, and his boyfriend was more narcissistic or possibly psychopathic based on what I saw of him and what my friend told me later, but I’m not a doctor.

I first met my friend S and his boyfriend M when my mom had brought me home from her neighborhood one time and they had just moved in next door to me. M, who was less obviously non-binary, had decided to knock on my door and introduce himself, and my mom was still in my apartment when someone knocked on my door.

I was irritated because she wanted me to find something she wanted right that moment or something, IDR what it was anymore. So I was a little irritated that someone was knocking on my door, but I answered it and there he was. So that was how I met him. And you know my mom, she got all excited like “there’s a guy next door to you, he seems nice!” Roll…

For awhile I’d see them as I was in and out, and met S later. S was more quiet but he was really friendly and sweet. He gave me a big smile every time I saw him. I just didn’t really get to know either of them for months. I remember having an uncomfortable feeling that M’s eyes were on me when I saw them, but I was always busy and in and out so I didn’t think about it.

As time went on, it was S who started knocking on my door occasionally, not M. S was young, about four years younger than me, 18 at the time and I was about 22, as was M. They were broke so S would ask to borrow things, but occasionally he’d return the favor when he could.
It’s been a long time but I just can’t remember anymore if we actually hung out the three of us or not when they were still together but I don’t think so. I only remember seeing their place a couple of times and them mine while they were still together.

One time their cat had kittens and M had asked me if I wanted one. I lived in a studio apartment and didn’t want to subject an animal to it, but I had fun holding them. That was the first time I saw their apartment. M and S had a lot of animals in their apartment. They had the cats, ferrets, and a dog they adopted that M was abusive with.

Soon after that, it became clear that their relationship was really troubled. I’d hear M snap at S from my side of the wall if my room was quiet which was rarely as I always had music on. For some reason, they’d fight right outside my window of all places late at night taking the dog for a walk. I, who had to get up early in the morning, was somewhat perturbed by it, but I became concerned when one time S was crying that M kept grabbing the dog by his collar and that it hurt him. I wanted to help but didn’t know what to do so I never let on that I heard.

Soon S came to tell me that they’d broken up. I was really sorry and I, who still went through phases of wanting my narcissistic ex back, thought maybe he wanted reassurance that it wasn’t quite over, as people had given me when my ex and I broke up. Even though I knew I didn’t want my ex back deep down, the idea that I could get him back, that he might value me enough to try to come back and earnestly work on things, made letting go easier for longer at times.

S kind of didn’t really say anything and I took that to mean he didn’t really want M back so I kind of awkwardly smiled and corrected myself and said “whatever you want, I want for you,” and he smiled and that was that. Only it wasn’t always over. M moved down the hall, two doors down from S, and S, who’d started bringing friends and maybe potential lovers around, which he couldn’t do with M controlling his life, still couldn’t quite let go.

M was often around and even though at first S probably took a break from him and/or M discarded him and gave him silent treatment (I didn’t pay attention), often S’s new friends would find themselves tagging along with M, who was still dictating and sticking his opinions down people’s throats.
What was more awkward was that they both started visiting me. S and I made fast friends and even though like this situation with J, I didn’t always like his other friends, I valued his happiness and obviously our lives were separate.

I didn’t realize for a long time that M was trying to triangulate me with S, or him with I, and to this day still can’t remember everything that went on, but as time went on obviously it became obvious and just creepier. Commence second blizzard in a week, New Years Eve 2006 weekend, a week after the last one. Unlike the last one, which left me stranded in my work town, I managed to get home early this time even though my boss tried to keep me from leaving early. I remember how deathly quiet the building was when I got home that Friday night. It was the strangest thing.

Only I thought I was alone in the building until M heard my music and realized I was home. Nobody else was home that weekend, not S, or anybody else. M had knocked on my door, explained that he heard my music and was just wondering if I had New Years plans which I didn’t, and didn’t plan to go out due to the weather.

Somehow M talked me into spending New Years Eve with him, and I thought what the hell, it’d be nice to do something with someone else for once. The year before that was a fairly warm New Years Eve and I had gone out but was alone and met a group of guys, one of which scowled at me when I didn’t take a beer he assumed I would take.

So even though I hated winter, and snow was already piling up, the night before New Years and on New Years, we walked around and talked and got to know each other a bit. I got to go to places I normally didn’t go, such as a café with brick walls, etc. I was wearing my snow pants and snowboots because that was how nasty the weather was, but on New Years Eve, there were women walking around in heels and dresses with nothing cover their legs or shoulders, it was unreal.

At the one café on the first night we went out together, M had cut to the chase and I wouldn’t say confidently, but he was clear about wanting to date me. I was caught off-guard and I remember feeling put off about it. That was the first realization that people and their motives aren’t always clear.

But he seemed sincere so I just told him that he was my friend’s ex and even if he weren’t, I’m not ready for a relationship. I wanted to be completely clear. And given his sudden, what they call love-bombing behavior up to that point, showing up at my door constantly, etc. I didn’t know anything about this stuff as a young 22-year old, so I just told him not to wait for me, as sensitively as I could make it sound while still making the point (I’d never been through this before).

I just wanted it to stop, but I liked him as a person and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He seemed giving and honest, even if he wasn’t clear about his intentions with me before we went somewhere together, which definitely would’ve made me think twice before doing so. S had shared very little with me about the relationship and never talked badly about M, so I assumed he meant well, even if it made me feel icky inside to realize what I was doing and what it could’ve been misconstrued as if S found out (but I wouldn’t have hid it from him. As far as I was concerned, all I did was go somewhere with a neighbor. I was not interested in the guy).

Only that was only the beginning. His manipulative behavior that night and on New Year’s Eve became more questionable but I didn’t realize the affect it was starting to have on me until way too late, soon after that. He’d comment on other women, and on New Year’s Eve, stared at one scarcely-dressed woman who was holding on to the arm of another man, he did something to help her briefly, IDR what anymore, as they walked by. She’d turned around to thank him as I stood by, and she avoided my eyes and looked right at him, still holding on to the arm of the guy she was with, and turned and left.

When I think of that moment, that picture of her eyes and face; that is to me, the picture of limerence. Two people with two different people, who can’t help that pull to each other. Obviously we never saw that woman again, but it was clear then. He enjoyed when he could take the attention of someone who was already with someone else and make them pay attention to him. He also had those eyes.

But I tried not to think about it, because I had rejected him and I figured he was keeping his options open. I just thought it’s rude to do with other people unless you’re both enjoying doing it, regardless of gender or orientation but that’s just me. Oh don’t get me wrong. The guy enjoyed flirting. With everybody. But I think, like many people with personality disorders, he got a special boost out of triangulation. He worked very hard to triangulate me with his ex S, and the girl who moved across the hall from me, who was also friends with S, and random strangers anywhere.

That in itself, even though I know now that it reactivated old wounds (I hate triangles of any kind, including friendship triangles, I’d prefer groups of even numbers or I avoid it after my many experiences). It had nothing to do with wanting him personally although I’m sure he told himself it did. So that was what I told myself when he did that.

He’d still knock on my door, often even after telling him I needed a break after three whole days spent together, and since I never had anybody to talk to, it started becoming harder to be alone after this, which was probably what he’d counted on. I just thought he hated being alone, there was an urgency for him not to be alone that I was so familiar with from certain people; my BPD friend; many other former friends, my mom and my brother.

At other times M would still hint that he wanted to be with me or was still pursuing me. Such as the time we went to a movie and he was on the phone with, he claimed his family who was having a get-together. He’d invited me to go do that, but I’d declined and he invited me to a movie, insisted he wanted to do that with me, and then spent much of the time after the movie walking around, on the phone gushing about me. He told me his sister said I sounded great.

It’s worth noting that the effects of this blizzard lasted quite awhile, and we had probably two more back to back on weekends for a month so it was probably a couple of weekends at least, and probably even some call-in-days for me, where there literally was nobody else in the building but M and I so IDK if he would’ve been as outwardly intense about connecting with me if S was around, which he wasn’t.

IDR where S was anymore, or how he found out that M and I had been hanging out. I know I’m certain I mentioned it because I wasn’t going to keep it a secret, and I’m sure M rubbed it in his face. He never really said anything about it and it didn’t appear to affect his friendship with me. I didn’t tell him about M hitting on me, as I’d shut him down and I thought it would only hurt S to know.

Everybody was kind of friends with everybody on that floor, except the girl across the hall from me who was also friends with both of them and who hated me, who had hated me before any of this started. That was something that particularly stung, that S would go and visit her right after visiting me at times.

Other times S would have his gay friends over at his apartment and not invite me (because obviously I wasn’t gay), and I’d feel left out but he had the right to spend time with his friends. I was just sad that I had none and it was obvious. That’s really what I still feel when I know that people I know are spending time with other people. I know that, mind games aside that is one reason it’s particularly traumatic for me to be close friends with extroverts who meet people easily.

So I think in my young selfish mind, I felt like I had the right to have another friend, just like he had the right to have other friends, but I know it nagged me inside that I didn’t really know what was going on but that something was regarding the situation.
M was clearly not a friend but I tried to make him one in my mind and because of the fact that he could talk about other women around me, I guess I felt it was doable but I’m sure it hurt S a lot and he probably knew what M was up to with me possibly way even before they broke up. I know that, educated as I was, I was definitely a stupid young woman when it came to this kind of crap.

Even though we were all young, I was a few years older than S and most of S’s friends, and I was a working professional. So I had a very different life and perspective than they did. But for the first time, my social isolation was really starting to get to me. M and S both came and visited me and checked on me, and invited me to do things, but I wasn’t really one of them and I thought it was because I never had time for a social life. I had many experiences of trying to sleep with parties going on, or being home trying to sleep while everybody went out, etc. I missed some of the most hilarious moments that always seemed to happen during the workday while I was gone.

Such as the time after a night of all of them partying (I had to sleep) and at three or four in the morning a drunk M had attempted to cook hamburgers and started a fire in his apartment, causing the fire alarm to go off, and the landlady screaming at him in front of everybody the next day but I’ll get there in a minute.

I, who’d had such a hard enough time getting to sleep, was rudely woken up by a screaming fire alarm and wasn’t happy. I attempted in my pajamas to scramble into my shoes and I can’t remember, but I think I couldn’t even find my coat in the mess or maybe was too scared to think of it, but I ended up running outside without a coat. Keep in mind there’s a river of frozen ice in the alley behind our building so I kept slipping on the ice as everybody piled out back to wait for the fire trucks.

S was really sweet, he’d given me his jacket and was holding my arm and steadying me any time I slipped. That’s an example of the gentleman he was. So back to the story, the next day, as S gleefully later told me, the investor who’d bought our building went to chew M out the next morning for grilling hamburgers in front of everybody on our floor.

“WHO THE FUCK COOKS FUCKING HAMBURGERS AT FOUR O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING?” she’d screamed, red-faced, to the amusement of everybody else. I was sorely sorry I’d missed that, but I didn’t take it seriously. It was kind of a dumb thing to do I guess.
In reality, when I later saw M’s eyes and how terrified he looked though he tried to hide it, when the landlady chewed him out about something else some months after that (believe me, she’d had more than enough trouble with him at that point), it’s clear that he probably had an innate fear of angry women.

Nevertheless I can’t say there wasn’t a part of me that didn’t feel a bit sadistically satisfied. Because at that point, the malevolence that was him, was pretty clear. Over the months after the New Years blizzard, he’d managed to continue to seek my approval, and even to my dismay and complete lack of knowledge, managed to sucker S, his own ex, into trying to get me to get with him (but I know he didn’t want that, it was clear he was manipulated into doing it).

There was at least one situation in which the three of us were inexplicably hanging out, (when I was hit with this bombshell), and M kept trying to coerce intimacy with me, by helping me with my scarf, things like that. The bundling me up part was really sweet to me and despite my tough, no-stance persona up until then, a part of me really crumbled there, at the realization that a man, maybe not a hardcore manly man, but a man with stubble was doing what I could never in my life remember another man doing for me; taking care of me.

I stood there for the first time, really wrestling with the fact that I wanted a man’s touch, maybe not this man, but a man and he was the only one and he was trying. But he was my friend’s ex. S, who stood there watching the whole thing, eventually whispered to me wondering if I liked him. He sounded like he was hoping I did. I was utterly confused but yes, the whole scarf thing really had done it if you ask me. Though the trauma bonding through flirting with other people and love-bombing me probably helped his side.

I was so confused but I wasn’t really uncomfortable about it I guess. S seemed fine with it (probably happy to be rid of him, IDK). I just didn’t believe S would be that balanced. Yes, Daria, Jane and Tom had navigated that situation, but Jane had suffered a lot and so had their friendship. M and S had lived together. They had an actual commitment. I never really answered yes or no. I just avoided doing it because it was so uncomfortable (plus I’d already told M no before, and he just kept piling on the attempts).

Another thing he did was when we were hanging out in my apartment at times, he’d jokingly sneak putting his hand out to touch me and I’d flinch and he’d just smile, not in what appeared to me to be a malicious way, he just thought it was cute I guess. Nevertheless I found it unsettling in a way because we were “friends” and I really was trying to keep my boundaries with him. Thinking of it now, it was a real-life representation of how a PD-person behaves; the relentless boundary-pushing.

All things equal, there’s really nothing endearing about people who pester you into a date or relationship. The movies make it so romantic, and it may seem like it, but even if you turn somebody down, if you’re somebody like me, so starved for affection and people like this know it, it doesn’t matter if you don’t actually end up with them. Like a boat’s blade, it will still cut you when they finally give up and move on, or worse, start flashing somebody else in your face, even if your heart knows they’re wrong. It will still feel like a jealous ex situation. That’s what I find so violating about people who work this way.

In the meantime the drama that went on between the two of them went on unprecedented, much of which I didn’t know anything about. Unbeknownst to me (thankfully?) in between my work weeks, these guys ended up with actual restraining orders against each other. They fought and knocked on the landlady’s door at all hours, and the landlady had instituted a strict “no walking past each other’s doors” edict before this happened. If I remember, after the restraining order, M finally stopped coming to visit me.

But the trauma bond was set. I’d had a taste of what I was missing in my life. The back door was actually closer to the bus stop where I’d been getting off at night. The bus wasn’t actually supposed to stop there but bus drivers who worried about my safety walking from the bus terminal after dark had long been stopping there for me. So the back door to the building, which went past M and S’s doors on the way to mine, was actually convenient for me than going in the front door, up and down steps, etc. rather than straight down back steps, down the hall and to my apartment.

But I have to be honest that wasn’t the only reason I did it. I did it hoping M would come out and say hi (he did the first time, actually he stormed out, thinking somebody got in the back door, then told me jokingly (or not so) through gritted teeth not to do that. But I didn’t stop. It really was more convenient. But M was gone, and even though it did hurt I was silently relieved that this whole situation was going by the wayside. I had never wanted it.

In the meantime, S had started dating again, and he’d bring guys back to his apartment, though a couple of times he brought one to my apartment to visit with me or watch a movie, etc. It became clear that S had an affliction for not-gay guys. M was “metrosexual” as he’d called himself (meaning he falls for the person), so that made sense to me at the time. But there was one guy I remember in particular who claimed he was truly straight but for some reason wouldn’t turn S down, and had come back to my apartment to watch a movie with S. I had already been watching All Over Me, a lesbian movie.

This guy never really hit on me that I can remember but he made a comment about how the lesbians making out turned him on, but it didn’t come across disrespectful or violating to me or anything. It was just a comment. He never rejected S or anything when S held his hand, etc. but he didn’t really encourage it either. That was the first time I started realizing something was strange about S. Was he not attracted to gay guys?

I understand now that S probably had developed a fear of intimacy, possibly before the one with M, and he had an attraction to not-gay guys possibly because they were a challenge, being from a machismo immigrant Latino family where he likely spent years vying for the approval of a macho dad.
This really became clear later on. S who had hung out with me as friends for months, held my arm the first time I walked a long walk in heels, talked about girl friends he’d had who had been interested in him, one who had begged him to be with her and S had insisted he was gay and was really continually apologetic.

Then out of the blue, hanging out with some of S’s friends and a group of straight people that I didn’t know, and I’d had to sit on S’s lap due to lack of room in a car (he’d offered and I thought nothing of it. I’d have rathered that than some dude I didn’t know), and S had made a joke about us being together on the trip. I instantly heard more than a joke there and I froze and panicked and then hoped he didn’t notice anything. After all, I didn’t know for sure that there was more to that joke, but I think I did.

We never talked about it and it dropped. At that point, we’d talked about sexuality and he was aware that at the time I thought I was asexual because I just couldn’t get interested in sex. So in a way it felt violating but also shocking. Maybe because he’d talked about girls who had been interested in him and he’d insisted he was gay, etc. Or maybe it was because I’d never expected that to happen.

I didn’t give it any thought, I just tried to forget it had happened because I just figured he was lonely and a bit desperate and given what I already knew he’d been through with M, being that in some way I was going through it too, I figured he’d come around and meet another guy. Soon S really fell apart emotionally. He lost his fast food job and ended up not being able to pay the rent one month. He’d been borrowing food from me regularly at that point so I know he’d been working less but I never saw him really in a bad state so I don’t think we were all that close or anything. I just knew he wasn’t doing well.

The kicker came right before S moved out. M and S, who still had the restraining order thing pending, both came knocking on my door wanting to talk to me and M somehow got him out of the room. S was panicking insisting something was going to happen between us and I was shaking my head and insisting no. I was a bit on guard but M got him out of my room.

Soon after that, S came and showed us he’d cut himself. I was horrified and wanted to let him into my room right then but M shut him out and insisted that he was just manipulating us and he needed to be alone. I was screaming that he needed a hospital but M actually insisted that S’s doctor had already told him to leave him alone when he did this.

I felt so wrong when this happened but I had no way of knowing for sure that M was telling the truth or not. Surely a doctor’s advice was above anything right? I was still upset, so upset that M was comforting me as I sat on my bed and he was on the floor in front of me hugging me and not upset at all as he lollygagged about how terrible this was, he agreed.

Eventually I realized he had an erection as it brushed against my leg and I panicked and pulled my leg away from it. He kind of frowned and that was it. When he left, I went and knocked on S’s door and he’d wrapped it up (it wasn’t too deep), it was fine, but I was horrified. M had gotten what he wanted, which was to prove that he still had the control, despite not talking to me and possibly him for months. He could still play us both like puppets.

When I think about a few days in my life that I would go back and change, that night was definitely one. S alone in his room, so upset while his ex-boyfriend was manipulating us both, has followed me in my mind for years even though apparently my brain has blocked much of these confusing times out.

Every part of me wanted to go and comfort him but I didn’t, felt like I couldn’t. I was being controlled. I was afraid of M. He’d already shown his propensity to be violent over time. It’s no excuse. But S didn’t deserve that. He’d always been good to me. He’d always been sweet to me. I’d never heard him talk badly about anyone, not even his ex. It was and is so heartbreaking to think about.

That was the first time I got a real glimpse of who M was and I just didn’t know it at the time. M had played the victim pretty well when he talked about the various scenarios where people had attacked him, including the grandparents of two kids he’d apparently babysat who accused him of molesting them.

I can’t imagine how long S had put up with it, as he only told me snippets of things M had done, including S walking in on him “cheating” (assaulting) with a very young minor. S had no doubt experienced over a longer period the same things I had. Love-bombing, triangulation, manipulation, gaslighting, push-pull, idolize, devalue, discard, and the idea that a relationship that many people already would’ve questioned based on the gender makeup alone, was real when it wasn’t.

After that happened, S was moving out and needed to store a few things with me, which I let him do. His dad, a Mexican immigrant whom I’d never met, had shown up. Though clearly rough and machismo, he was nice to me and seemed mellow about the whole situation when he and his son showed up to get S’s things out of the apartment.

S came back to visit a few times and then he tapered off. M on the other hand, met a woman at a nightclub I guess and married her right away. He’d come to my door and told me not to be upset, that he was sorry but he was getting married. I kind of frowned and said “ok, good luck” and that was that. But that was so strange.

In the meantime, M had moved back into S’s old apartment next to mine, because his unit was on the side of the building that was massively infested with bedbugs after two immigrants who lived there had a mattress full of them, had infested the whole building and had to throw their mattress out. They ended up moving but yes, throughout this time, M strugged with bedbugs in his new unit until this point. So he’d moved back into the old one and I didn’t know how to feel about that.

Despite the schmuck that I knew M was, there was a part of me that still felt left out when he got married. I had wondered if he’d end up with the girl across the hall from me since he had spent quite a bit of time with her also, but no. It was some girl he’d not known for very long and married, right away. I never did meet or see her. I just heard her voice a couple of times.

I remember how alone I felt the night I knew they were getting married. I didn’t wish to be in her place strangely enough. I just felt alone. Then when they went back to his apartment first thing in the morning. I could barely hear voices but nothing else, IDK…I kept my music on trying not to hear anything.

Then just like that, he moved out and he was gone too. Well the building definitely quieted down, but I was just struck with the unrealness of the situation. Had that all really happened? It was so strange to live there after that. I couldn’t believe how fast M had moved on after all of the chaos he’d caused. I had no name for narcissistic abuse then, so it was impossible not to wonder how both S and I felt so inadequate that M had moved on so fast. What was sick was that I felt like any time I felt like that, I was betraying my friend and myself. It was the worst thing in the world.

I tried in 2009 to look them up on facebook when I first got on, just out of curiosity but they weren’t there. I also tried googling them both to no avail so I gave up. But I’m confused now. Because just last night, when it occurred to me, that all of this crap with J might be my karma, I found myself once again trying to google them both.

Again, neither were on Facebook, and I found out that M had been sentenced to one 3-year and one 27-year sentence to prison for something that had happened; he’d been charged right after he’d gotten married and moved out and had been sentenced over a year later. I was shocked not only that this happened then, but that I hadn’t been able to find this information when I’d googled them over ten years ago.

I immediately tried to figure out what prison he was in to no avail. Stupid me. Did he get out??? Nope. Upon further checking, he has been dead since 2010. No further information. There are no pictures on his memorial online except the slab over his grave with his name on it, and no comments or flowers.

I immediately stopped the urge to google obsessively for S, just to be sure M didn’t hurt or kill him (or hurt or kill his new wife), and thought about leaving a flower and then felt bad. He surely wasn’t a good person when he was alive. But surely that could be attributed to a valid mental problem. Apparently people like this are missing actual brain functions that would give them empathy and the ability to self-reflect and whatnot. Something that as of right now, humanity just can’t solve.

Was that his fault? Was he someone who should be forgotten, when he seemed to have a family so eager to marry him off? I always wondered, if narcs, socio, narco and psychopaths lack empathy, but work so hard to convince new supply that they have it, surely they can’t choose not to do things they presumably know would hurt others even if they can’t altogether understand why. But I guess that’s the essence of these disorders.

I still struggle with my feelings, but I felt nothing when I saw his face. I remember distinctly wondering when I saw his mugshot, how would it have felt to live with knowing you had someone like S and completely screwed your relationship for no real reason and he’d moved on and you now had to live without him? I couldn’t imagine going through that.

S was so amazing, any guy would be lucky to have him. And M had ruined it so badly. So badly that even S wouldn’t bother to comment or give flowers (which obviously would be inappropriate anyway, just saying for reference here). I have decided that one way or another I’m going to at least find my old friend S (he has a common name in my hometown) and ensure he’s still alive. That might take some time and I probably won’t actually contact him if there’s a way, but you know…I just want to know.

In the meantime I have realized this was yet another reason this stuff with J happened. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. The first time I met J in one of the elevators almost three years ago, with the Indian (India) guy she was with, who had ignored me, I hadn’t even seen her when I got into the elevator and I was looking for something in my purse completely oblivious to who was around me. She was kind of against the other wall but leaning toward me, her long legs folded like she was trying to be on my level or some crap.

J had said “hey” from off to the side with narrowed but not really suspicious eyes. (Tip, when somebody stares at you with narrow eyes and they don’t even know you just run. Run and don’t look back). I remember the stare caught me off guard but I remember it didn’t seem threatening so I just ignored it. I remember she seemed unique to me but I didn’t know why (IDK but I guess I assumed she was female, just really tall). But she did remind me a bit of S right away. I knew it even then.

When I started getting to know her better last summer, I started realizing more how much she reminds me of S, and even tried to tell her once but she didn’t ask me who I reminded her of and I didn’t tell her. Now it’s clear that at times she sounds like S. She looks like him when she smiles. She seems like him from time to time. She’s outgoing like S.

But overall she has M’s personality deficits. I know that now. I don’t know if she really has a personality disorder or not. I think she does. But it doesn’t matter. If someone has personality characteristics that bother you, just walk away. Even if they’re love-bombing you. Understand that your own lack of care from childhood is what’s making you vulnerable to this now and that until you fix it yourself, you’ll be vulnerable and you will be cut by these people’s behavior even if you don’t get involved with them. That’s just collateral damage I guess. I don’t know if there’s a way to avoid it for those of us who are so wounded.

I finally realized that all this time, all of this running into J, not only did it bring back unpleasant memories of S’s ex M, which I have already discussed, and everything else I’ve discussed, but it truly felt like I was being chased by a ghost. At times I felt like I’d just found my best friend and other times I just wanted to run away it was so creepy.

My heart fell to the floor when I found this information about M last night. He looked crazier than ever in his mugshot. I was terrified wondering what he did when I saw how lengthy his sentence was, right after all of this had happened. There’s no information about his crimes like there usually are in this case, so I would have to see his court records to see what he did, but I’m not that bored. I just want to find S.

I have to say, until I find S and can verify for myself that he’s alive and fine, there’s always a part of me that’s going to wonder if S is a ghost like M, following me out here in J’s form to exact revenge for all of those years ago. Or even that they’re the same person! Even though I know that S doesn’t look exactly like J, just close. Or if M is still screwing with me from the beyond.

But it doesn’t matter because karma has arrived and now I’m fixing it. And now I don’t think of J so much. I understand that all this time I really missed and felt guilty about and bad about and for my friend S. And J could never compare to him.
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Wed Apr 06, 2022 9:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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JupiterTaco
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Re: The "J" Merry-Go-Round

Post by JupiterTaco »

THE BATTLE BIGGER THAN MYSELF; SPIRITUAL OR PSYCHOSIS?

I’ve been reading about psychopaths and the idea that many of them seem to have psychic powers (or so it seems to their victims). IDT that’s always the case, and maybe not even most of the time, but by the same token, I’m not going to say that it’s never the case, not even when the idea that admitting so, seems to take our power away and gives more to them. Or takes power from God and gives it to the devil, or angels to demons, etc. Whatever one believes.

I think in reality since I believe very much in an afterlife and a spiritual realm that modern religions may not understand or acknowledge, despite my pledge to one such religion, it’s very likely that there are many battles going on in the world that have nothing to do with us, the living, the dead, the undead, God and the devil, and which the living may not always see or feel.

That doesn’t mean God and the devil don’t know or are not involved. Who knows? I think God knows everything, and I think he tests people in his own way, and I believe the devil is always scheming and is not above using living people, but that’s my belief based on my religion. It’s not my only belief FWIW but that’s a whole other post for some other time. I believe some people have powers that can’t be explained. I don’t think they’re demonic. I don’t think admitting that is a loss of power. I think the real power is fighting what needs to be fought that could harm us and I think God would agree.

The reality is, I believe my neighbor J might have some sort of psychic powers. People may disagree, and it’d take me almost as many pages as my “heavy-lifting” journals about her thus far to explain the many reasons and experiences that tell me why, but I’m convinced that I’m fighting a battle that’s bigger than myself and my neurobiology (though that’s certainly a huge part), whatever that means.

Much of what has happened to me thus far would describe what I’ve been through as a trauma bond. I’m trauma bonded to my neighbor. Her manipulations over a span of months would certainly back that up. I know that. And it’s possible that if by some crazy chance I’m actually wrong about who she is, then she could feel the same about me. It’s all subjective I guess. There certainly seems a crazy mutual energy between us. She does seem completely energized by my presence, as I hate to admit at times that I am by hers also, and this has always been the case, versus past cluster b's who have been interested in me and seemed to look at me as only an object despite how they tried to project otherwise.

But the thing is, I’ve long been wise to this type of behavior. Even when I could see it going on, when she’d start showing up where I was and staring at me, I could see the behavior for what it was and I knew what she was doing, and it didn’t sway me whatsoever, but it did make me panic inside when it kept happening, which I’ve already talked about.

In reality, right after I rejected her early last summer, I remember how I was driving around on Fourth of July weekend unable to get her out of my mind. Remembering for example her showing me her various voices, and how it made me laugh and how I felt so safe with and entranced by her, as a friend before what had happened. Other than that, I wouldn’t have described J as “charming” or “glib”. My narcissistic ex was way better at that if you ask me, but I’m just being honest. Then of course he did most of his on paper so there’s that…

Nevertheless I could see those interactions as if they were happening again. I couldn’t understand why I’d turn down a friend and quite frankly one that had been better to me at that point than any of the other guys I’d dated and many friends I’ve had without going overboard. I tried to remind myself that though I may not yet know why it was a good decision to not go there with her, there was a reason and my body knew it. I had to trust myself despite my increasing guilt and the knowledge that I’d apparently really hurt her feelings.

But in my car driving around that financially-disappointing weekend, I could actually feel her energy with me. For the first time, I couldn’t help the idea that I was somehow in front of her, not only imagining but seeing in my mind’s eye, what she was like under her clothes, and what it felt like to be touching bodies with her, and how amazing and real it felt. But I knew I was in my car, she wasn’t really there, and I was driving just fine.

I hadn’t felt something like that since my fourth LO (also probable socio/psychopath), and even then it wasn’t quite like that with him either. I felt flashes of actual agony which started out brief and not as intense at first, when I was away from the general area where J was, but it seemed distant in some way like it was coming to me from someone or somewhere else, not from within me. I’d never felt quite in that way with a former LO, though I know how it feels to miss an LO intensely.

Even then, I just assumed I had a little crush, was a little mystified that I’d never had it, did I not know it? Could this have happened without realizing it? I didn’t know but just tried over and over to avoid the idea and put everything out of my mind. But in reality, it was like having J right in front of me, and me being hesitant and her not really forcing anything, just not really leaving, just being gently open like maybe she couldn’t be in real life or something.

It was the strangest most comforting thing I’ve ever experienced, but I also see how it started playing a head-trip on me. It would happen, sometimes just out of the blue and be really intense, the same way as I’d feel various feelings but mostly sadness and longing, occasionally intense fond rememberance out of the blue, out driving around, and it seemed inexplicable. I could not figure it out and believe me when I say I tried.

Even as I’d run into J out in public and/or in the lobby all day for weeks, and would logically be able to say that this behavior in itself, though alarming, wasn’t what was causing this. Something else was and it would show up at the strangest of times, not times when I would logically expect it like that. It would make sense to think about her in the neighborhood or leaving or returning to my apartment or even being in my apartment, which often happened.

The numerous dreams about her were another different story but again something I thought easily explainable for so long, no matter how real they felt. I saw her. All the time. Even on the occasion it stopped for whatever short time. You dream about the people you see the most and I definitely saw her more than anybody else.

Even when I stopped seeing her at times and the dreaming never stopped, I just assumed as annoying as it was, that my brain had to catch up to the idea of not seeing her and go back to normal. But there were things I couldn’t as easily explain. Such as at least one time when I woke up in the middle of the night with the strong feeling that somebody, more specifically her, had been in my apartment watching me sleep (this was after she left her desk job for reference so didn’t have a key anymore). But nobody was there when I woke up.

When I was sick for almost a month, during my most feverish night, I was seeing flashes of her face smiling, etc. when I closed my eyes. I’d involuntarily find myself saying her name, but I didn’t want her there. I didn’t want to see her, not really but maybe my sickness made me think I did. I knew she wasn’t the type to take care of me, but because she was “all I had” maybe my body wished it were the case though I knew better. Now I think that if it’s true that it had anything to do with black magic, it’s because she wanted me to know it, but at the time I didn’t see it that way.

I would be lying if I didn’t say that possibly after that, I started getting the idea that maybe I was wrong about her and she really did care about me. Despite that she didn’t visit me when I was sick, hadn’t actually contacted me by phone since I rejected her months before, and as far as I know, had never voiced to anybody else who brought her up to me constantly, that she’d been asking about my wellness or surely they would’ve said something rather than just talking about who she was hanging out with.

But again if I thought about it, I would’ve thought, that I had rejected her first. I didn’t expect her to ask about me, it was just a reality that as far as I knew, she hadn’t. Either because she already knew or just didn’t care or both. She switched back and forth constantly with me between flirting and giving me negative attitude that was noticeable which I’ve talked about.

Other times, I’d get the feeling that somebody, some entity, maybe not necessarily her, but something, was trying to suffocate me in my sleep but I’d wake up and nobody was there. It felt/feels very real but to be honest, the idea of waking up not being able to breathe really just sucks. Of course it’s easy to think someone else is obstructing your breathing when it happens.

In reality, there could be many explanations for that. I still have the cough I haven’t quite been able to shake. It wreaks havoc with my breathing. But the reality is that ever since I’ve been out here, I’ve had more trouble breathing at night. Sleep apnea could certainly be an explanation. So could anxiety. And the humidity.

But I, who’d spent my life dealing with stuffed noses, allergies, etc. and who’d been sick four times this past year, still felt terrified and somehow my thoughts went immediately to her when I’d wake up with the realization that I stopped breathing and the strange feeling that she’d been there and was gone, but how crazy does that sound right?

Nevertheless, aside from the crazy-sounding feeling that she might want me to be suffering as badly as I was at times, given how she acts at times, I also have the reality that I have my PTSD and C-PTSD to contend with, which can certainly make me blow things out of proportion more than usual. So trying to explain this to someone who knows of this would probably mean this disorder (or any one of my probable other mental illnesses) is responsible.

There’s also the idea that so much of this could otherwise be explained, even in the future, by science, if not right now. We just haven’t gotten that far yet. So why does it all seem so real to me then? Not to mention the many similar questions from people going through similar things on various online forums, even Out Of The Fog, where there’s a whole thread dedicated to supernatural experiences with PDs?

Another thing that has happened speaking of this subject, is that I’ve been open about the fact that for years, I’ve been able to feel when a deceased relative is around me and who it is. There have been at least a couple of occasions with the situation where I’ll feel someone with me really intensely and be really happy about it, and then I’d run into J, or see her from far away, appear out of nowhere and staring right at me.
And the other things I’ve talked about regarding the potential synchronicity surrounding us, with the 11:11 and all of other stuff I’ve already talked about. So there was a lot going on that was hard to comprehend. If it wasn’t real and somehow supernatural, was my brain actually working this hard to make me this crazy? Considering that I kept my life together just fine in spite of it all? Despite that overall I consider myself a logical, normal-minded human being?

I think this phenomenon, especially surrounding my deceased loved ones, compelled me to try to keep an open mind about J over the months and probably contributed somewhat to me putting up with our constant cycles for longer than I otherwise would’ve. I really wondered if this meant they were trying to tell me to get to know her and give her another chance. I felt bad when as time went by, the situation and my bodily reactions to her, got worse and I knew all of this could’ve been avoided by just not getting sucked back in again.

Now I know that the synchronicity could be explained simply for the lessons and self-growth that she would be another catalyst for (but apparently a major one), and possibly my deceased loved ones knew this and were just being supportive and showing me they are there for me.
Another thing that happened was literally the day before I got sick last time, was that I had a visitation dream from a former classmate of mine. This guy died two years ago on New Year’s Day, and I can only remember one interaction with him over twenty years ago when we were in high school.

I’d read briefly about his untimely death when I briefly got back on Facebook around that time, and I was surprised and wondered what had happened but I didn’t think about it. FWIW at least five of my former classmates have passed almost every year since graduation, many are former military, others are not so you know...

There is no obituary about this guy and no information as to what happened. The dream was really warm and comforting and then it was over. This following over an entire year of numerous visitation dreams from various people, which I must say, despite being nice, was making me wonder what was going on. Was I about to die?

Nevertheless, during the down times of the noticeable lovebombing, idealization, devalue, discard cycles with J, I really felt alone and for the first time in a long time. I think that’s another lesson I learned from this is that my people are still with me and looking after me. Just because I was reminded of the possibility of having a living partner and friend again, didn’t make them less valuable in my life, nor was God less valuable in my life.

This is the first time I’ve talked about all of this, and many people would probably disagree. Others would tell me that I’ve attracted demons and must expel them at once. The idea of that is somewhat terrifying not only as a child of God, but also because I believe it’s really helped me get through the past few years with the idea that my loved ones have been by my side all of this time, and all of my grief surrounding death over the years had been misguided. It’d be yet another betraying blow to be proven that demons are now sucking off of the negative that is my isolation and doing what they can to make it worse. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been betrayed so terribly. I just don’t believe that’s the case and that’s a whole other subject for another time I guess.

My relationship to organized religion, which I’ve talked about on the forum, has always been touchy at best. I grew up not being socialized in a church, but I was aware that most other people were. This was both isolating and yet strangely comforting. Despite that even though many of my former classmates bonded over a same church experience and I didn’t, I also didn’t grow up with people shoving what they think is the truth down my throat and telling me anything else was wrong and evil, like they possibly did. My mom once told me that she’d never baptized us because she wanted us to grow up and decide what religion we wanted to engage. I respected that a lot.

From the time I was a kid, I felt a certain uneasiness when someone would suggest that I needed to “find God” or “go to church” or I otherwise felt that religious things were being shoved in my face. I couldn’t for years figure out why this would happen to me, since especially in my younger years, I didn’t remember being abused by a church authority (we barely went to church). Surely if I felt threatened around religion that made me at odds with God, right? But I know my mom always had a certain hostility toward overzealous religious people for whatever her reasons.

I’ve talked about some of the reasons my uneasiness around Christianity got worse over the years with worse experiences. Such as when my mom got drunk in Iowa and insisted I needed to start going to Sunday school after a night out with her boyfriend. To the point I got really upset because this was being shoved upon me, it wasn’t a learning experience, it would be a punishing experience if it happened. It didn’t happen. It was like it faded into the bloom like my mom’s hangovers.

Or the friend I had who would threaten suicide if I didn’t attend her youth group with her. Also, and I’d forgotten this, but for a summer in my early years, I remember my brother and I being in a summer daycare thing that was run, IDR if it was in an actual church or if it was just church-related, but I thought it was.

Most of the teachers were fine, except the one in charge of me, this rude, nasty Mexican lady. Though I had one or two friends in there, most of the kids there were awful and aside from that, I was just very uneasy in the building and didn’t know why. As I got older and eventually was hipped to the idea that I might have American Indian blood from my dad’s side and possible Roma roots (whatever that even means), I understand now that the subject had come up online, that we can carry the scars and negative experiences of our ascendants without even knowing it or knowing how they were passed down, even if we had no conscious contact with these people in our lives.

That very likely it could’ve affected my views of “white” organized religion. So I understand now, why I had such a tumultuous relationship with organized religion. As I’ve said elsewhere, fifth LO was kind of the reason I feel I was able to look into that a bit more and realize that indeed, I really just wanted to be closer to God.

But over the years I would pray to God. Maybe not every night but I did it. I’d ask anybody who I thought could tell me, about God, the Bible, the devil, heaven, hell, the afterlife, etc. I drew elaborate pictures of what I thought heaven looked like as a kid. Churches remained a fascination for me at the same time that I was hesitant around one. To this day, photographing churches is one of my favorite activities and I no longer feel any hesitation at being inside of one but for years being inside one could make me uneasy.

I was never raised to believe the dead were really gone. They were in heaven. They weren’t “with” us but they were still watching over us. That someday, they would welcome us into the Lord’s arms. IDK if I knew what that meant. Did that mean they were laying on clouds looking down? Going “look, watch her reading under the blankets again when her mom thinks she’s asleep! Haha!” “Oh she’s in the bathroom. (Hands cupped around the mouth) “Wipe this time! Oop, watch where you’re going! Oh right, you can’t hear me…”
I just knew. That was my extent of what I knew, other than even though I was raised not to believe in reincarnation, I wasn’t sure I was open to the idea of not believing it either.

But as a kid it was easy to believe these things since nobody close to me had died. I didn’t have to imagine the thought of someone I loved being able to see me when I couldn’t see them and that they were still there and I was supposed to accept that and move on. As I got older and people started dying, I was more struck with the reality that when people die, they’re technically gone. My first visitation dream was from Grandma M in my early 20s at my toxic professional job. This was before I’d ever heard of visitation dreams and this wasn’t someone I felt a lot of grief over losing, partially because her and my mother had been no-contact for quite some time when she’d still been alive, and we only got back in touch with her later on when her health was getting worse. She’d treated my mother terribly later in her life and I think I struggled with the fact that I felt sad but again I didn’t, and didn’t know whose side to be on. Nevertheless I struggled with that her death wasn’t a fun one and most of her life hadn’t been either and that it was a life that was chosen for her and not by her.

In the dream, she was surrounded by a dim light and even though I was aware that I was in my apartment, we were (or maybe just her) partially in another dimension or whatever. But it was a real visit, I would say more telepathic than out loud. But undoubtedly real. As I woke up right afterward, her perfume hung in the room which solidified my experience but I had no name for it and at some point stopped thinking about it.
My second visitation dream was from Grandpa. It started out as a regular dream where one of my uncles was explaining to me that they’d cured his cancer and he was fine. I remember in the dream being skeptical but so relieved that he wasn’t going to be gone, that I accepted the explanation. He came in my mom’s entryway door, with the bright sunlight outside of it. He hugged me in his hurried way that he often did alive and then the dream ended and I woke up to the ringing phone.

This helped massively with my grief since my last memory of him was of him pleading me not to go when my mom was having a tantrum and stormed out and I had no choice but to follow her. I can’t possibly believe that a demon would go that far to make my life better in that way. Wouldn’t a demon as they’re called, want to continue the torment (or even some kind of up/down cycle such as that of a trauma bond?) IDK, just some food for thought I guess. I just don’t believe that personally but some might.

But religious zealots worldwide might claim that they can look at me, look at my life, and see that it’s been corrupted, that I must become a Christian to save my life and become prosperous in the eyes of the Lord. However I’ve known a few die-hard Christians who have actually been homeless so I personally call bullshit to that. I think God gives people struggles that are meant to make them stronger, but that’s my belief. Some people don’t believe in God, some people believe in many gods, and I don’t care beyond maybe finding it interesting to learn about from an anthropological perspective.

Then I met a good friend of mine, a former coworker, Mexican, who had told me about Dia De Los Muertos, and that it was possible to still communicate with the dead. This was all in the year before Grandma L died, and IDK why but I was glad to find out about the holiday since so many of my loved ones were on the other side at that point.

The first time I celebrated the holiday, that year she told me about it in 2013, it was definitely a surreal experience, but not one I would’ve chosen over having them back in their bodies I guess. I didn’t feel like I was out of reality experiencing it, even though in my mind’s eye they were all in front of me hugging me after I put a glass of water in front of their pictures on my table which was all I had.

Strangely enough I didn’t think about it. I was so glad to have any type of contact and especially the kind I’d never experienced or acknowledged before. Plus until I’d lost Grandpa, my deceased relatives to that point, the great-grandparents and Grandma M, weren’t people I was dying to have back. I wasn’t as close to them.

Which I guess is the essence of what a relationship with a cluster b is like. What little they give you, you become willing to take but back to the subject. My friend Y definitely dabbled in the occult. She claimed to be Buddhist for awhile, but found other calmness in Native American religious ideologies, etc. Then she wanted badly to do a tarot reading for me. Which to be honest, I attributed to teen magazines but I let her, and it was interesting. I think it gave me valuable information.

Years later she told me she dabbled in witchcraft also. When we’d talked about her coming out here to visit me, she’d mentioned wanting to visit a graveyard to collect dirt, which I don’t know anything about but that freaked me out a bit. She encouraged me to walk around cemeteries, that it apparently is very liberating. All I could do was remember the time I talked about, when I walked past a well-known cemetery in Denver and had a really bad feeling and some kind of vision of an aggressive dog or coyote and I left in a hurry.

I don’t believe my friend engages in negative witchcraft or at least she doesn’t do it for that reason. Nevertheless, I understood why for years she never told me these things and certainly I never thought to ask. Despite that there are “good witches” and “bad witches” as we’d know it, and despite that a movie that was really popular when I was a kid, The Craft, had each, maybe the memory of the “bad witch” really sticks with us as a society.

Aside from evoking bad history of the countless burnings and maimings of accused “witches” who were most often just single women, the idea of a bad witch probably really just reminds everyone of what they’re most afraid of; an independent woman who can do it herself (despite that at least as far as I know, a real witch would need a coven for some things, but I’m not an expert and nowhere close so don’t listen to me…I’m just rambling here…)

I think what’s more scary to think about these days is that “bad” movie witches; the witch in Wizard Of Oz, Nancy from The Craft, the shapeshifter from Navajo Blues, and the brujo from The Missing, is that they’re all definitely PD-types. Their greed for power and control over everybody and the universe and their astounding lack of empathy knows no bounds, kind of like the narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in our lives now.

To think that they all have the kind of power it would take to do that, and that if they knew they could get it, they probably would, even just to ruin us, is really just too much to bear at times. So it’s no wonder that aside from the fear that these people can have these types of powers, people may have a hard time even considering the idea.

Nevertheless I’m not sure it’s entirely farfetched to imagine that cluster b's, and even the rest of us, are under some type of paranormal influence at times. If they don’t have the abilities themselves, then certainly negative entities still know their limitations and use them to to enact their own negative (same as positive) will in the world.

I don’t say these things to take responsibility for any personality-disordered person away from the awful things they can do. But based on my own experiences and especially my recent ones, I don’t altogether dismiss the fact that there’s something more at work going on at times. I think that’s what various churches keep trying to say when they insist that demons are all around us trying to influence us and gaining energy from the “ungodly” things we followers and non-followers may do.

Unfortunately many people who’ve had negative experiences with organized religion don’t see it and there are other people, atheists, who don’t care either way and that’s their journey. I just know for a fact that whatever I’m battling is bigger than myself, whatever that means. I just take that to remind myself that it’s much better to do what I can to own my thoughts and emotions, to be careful of what I feed my soul, and to learn and remember who I am at any cost.

It always mystified me how nothing in my life ever seemed to work out. That somebody was always coming out of the shadows it seemed to thwart any kind of progress or anything else good in my life, if something I did didn’t wreck it myself. Much of my life would tell anyone that I have a curse on me. The scientific explanation which is certainly a huge part of it, is that I grew up being abused, therefore it was likely that it would continue, and the affects of child abuse and bullying are still being discovered but are already known to drastically impact the victims’ lives for a long time.

For another explanation, I know I’ve been through the idea of myself going through a spiritual transformation, which I certainly am. But I sit here five years after this crap really snowballed in my life, with the reality that nothing has really changed. I was backed out of my job once again, when all I wanted to do was focus on journaling and heavy lifting, and was thrust into small business owner, stuck with a contracting position that made me almost nothing while I once again ended up in debt that I worked so hard to get out of before. I did nothing to deserve this.

Now I look at either having to go back to my old profession, start a new one, which given my history of traumatic work experiences obviously makes me ill in more ways than one, despite knowing that sales for example would be a good learning experience for me. Or I could try to get two or three cars to rent out on Turo and keep looking into owner-financed real estate while I work to get my real estate license and look into being a notary. I’m still stuck with the fear that everything could just fall apart like it did over a decade ago when my first strike at independence moving to Florida backfired for me.

That unlike last time, I’m really alone this time in life at least, and I can’t have that happen. I am the only one who can save myself. Which despite a lifetime of feeling alone is still unbelievably scary. Not as bad as if I didn’t kn%ow that so many people in the afterlife are on my side but still. It makes me shiver to think about all of these things. People have told me all of my life that I’m a strong person, but I just don’t think it’s true.

Everything I’ve done thus far in my life, I’ve done because I was pretty much forced into it in some way.
And yet I can’t get it together and do the things I needed to do like I had started doing before this whole thing with J. Like a perfect fucking assassin, she came out of nowhere and completely distracted me. And I feel like utter crap that I can’t get the focus back or keep it, and that nobody else would understand.

How oftentimes as soon as I start feeling better, she circles back around again. How could someone not believe an evil entity is behind this? (Not saying J is the evil entity, possibly merely a vessel. Or maybe that it’s in both of us! Or maybe it’s manifesting in me to keep me from meeting someone who is technically still anatomically the opposite sex and whom Christianity would argue both need to be “saved” from ourselves, despite that I have no actual desire to have heterosexual sex with her nor do I see her as the opposite sex!) How our numerous interactions have made me paranoid to the point that I’ve actually questioned recently if I’m suffering from psychosis. One recent experience really had me tripping.

Last Friday night, I was working on my book, completely enthralled in that, listening to music, having a good time, not thinking whatsoever of her, when suddenly out of nowhere I could see J’s face in my head, the way she looks at times, with her laughing eyes, stifling her smile. I heard her giggle in my head and the clear image in my head of her standing over me staring down at me like she’d look in person, kissed me like she did the first time (which could’ve just been the memory). Again, it felt like she was with me, although I was in my apartment alone and the images of her in my mind were brief but there were a few. It wasn’t like a whole drawn-out hallucination-like thing where I didn’t know where I actually was. I knew where I was.

Other than that, I got really turned on right away and had an image in my mind, which felt real in reality but it was only in my mind that I could see it, that we were holding each other, having what could be called outercourse, with our clothes on, kind of fingering each other, for lack of better words. It felt like someone was actually doing this to me (but I’ve never been fingered so IDK) and it felt good, but the experience was just really sweet. I could see images of her face occasionally, with her lip piercing and stubble in places, like it was real. I heard her in my mind whisper to me in the soft voice she occasionally uses, as she held me on her lap and this went on.

At some point, and this wasn’t something I saw in my head like everything else that had happened up to that point. I just imagined her throwing me off of her lap onto my floor. That wasn’t real, something I could see like everything else. I just imagined that. I just realized that was an example of how I would never feel safe around J anywhere but in a fantasy or whatever this was. That’s the only safe way to be with her.

So I have no idea if my mind worked this hard to manifest this crap so that I could experience what I was curious about with J without any of the risk that would come with being with her in person. Or if she’s some naturally psychic person who could visit me somehow in spirit and do that or even just do it telepathically, and that this actually happened between us!

But considering how self-centered she is in real life, the idea that she’d go that far to appear in my mind pleasuring me like that, seemingly without expectation and appearing to enjoy it too, is a bit off I guess. IDK, but that was when I first starting wondering if maybe I am experiencing psychosis. Because in what universe does this make sense? Especially after everything else that has happened in person between us? That really I just don’t like her as a person that much. The notable discard? The shoving the other woman in my face.

Then showing up first thing in the morning downstairs within the week after my changing my schedule, to stand there and stare in my face as I walked by and out the door, as if to say, change your schedule all you want but I’m still here! I just ignored her and walked out but seriously?
Other than that since adjusting the route as well, which I hesitated to do in the first place not only because I liked that route but also because I’d seen her coming from other directions at times past the parking lot when I was in my car ready to go somewhere, so I didn’t think it would help matters until I just couldn’t take it anymore, but I haven’t seen her out and about anymore. I just literally can’t control when I run into her in the lobby aside from avoiding it when it seems likely she’ll be down there, such as the lunch hour and in the early evening.

So again I ask, in what universe does this all make any sense? I certainly could be pushed to psychosis with the mental illness and stress I already know I have. I have no idea what head trauma I could actually have, having been physically abused from very early childhood on, and the time I was sexually assaulted. I also had a pretty bad fever a couple of months ago when I was sick, don’t know if that would matter.

But I never had a lifetime of these things happening. I didn’t experience any hallucinations in my teen years or early 20s which is when schizophrenia generally sets in or so I’d thought. Then I read that women tend to experience the onset of schizophrenia in their late 20s to early 30s, which is around the time I experienced my intense fantasies of fourth LO. That was also after I’d started celebrating Dia De Los Muertos.

That’s around the time I started paying more attention to the idea that my loved ones could be around me from time to time but never really felt like I had that feeling before (though certainly they could’ve right?) But I just don’t think of it as what I’d think of as a hallucination for obvious reasons, but it’s pretty sad to think it’s possible considering the link between mental illnesses that can cause psychosis and childhood trauma.

Nevertheless with the limited knowledge that I actually have about mental health and I know how my experiences would look to a mental health practitioner. But by the same token, even though I believe these things are real and this recent incident actually happened between my neighbor and I, even if maybe we weren’t both fully present, I wouldn’t talk about it except to a health professional because I know how it would come across. And quite frankly there’s a chance that it didn’t happen and something else is going on, or that it could’ve been just a really intense fantasy, albeit one that was bad for my healing. I understand that. So that’s where I stand with this.

The sad thing is, this was all within the week after doing a prayer online I found about terminating soul ties. I prayed the same prayer for myself concerning every member of my family, my exes, my mom’s exes, particularly the psychopath, my former bullies, LOs, and my neighbor, etc. And I will keep doing it.

Then sometime before this other thing happened, I was waiting down in the lobby for somebody who needed a quick ride somewhere, and we’d agreed to meet in the lobby (but he was apparently walking around the building looking for me), so I was stuck waiting for him for a few minutes and I’d realized J was in the office and I went back around the wall without her seeing me to wait for the guy I was waiting for. J soon walked around the corner and was like “Hey, lady,” really slowly and she slowed down as I kind of waved at her but didn’t look up from what I was doing. She asked if I was going up in the elevator which I was nowhere near, and I said no thanks and she said okay and that was that. I didn’t think about it then but sometime later, I had a flash of sadness go through me and I didn’t know where it came from. I could see her face in my head though not having looked at her at all.

To be honest I don’t know what’s more scary. The idea that I’m battling a psychopath with psychic powers, or some other type of malevolent force that’s behind all of this. Or that I’m losing my damn mind which I can’t afford to do (but who can?)
I’m not denying that could be possible because it certainly could be. But I consider myself a mostly-rational human being, who lives mostly in reality. I do go out and talk to real people when I can. I try to find logical explanations for things I can’t explain. And I’ve been hard at work journaling my truths. I just understand that there are things that can’t always be explained and new things are learned about the human mind all the time.

I know one thing though. This type of thing isn’t always a distraction the way I thought before. I was perfectly happy working on my book not thinking about her at all and nothing that I can gather whatsoever as a trigger caused this last Friday night. It literally just happened as if J walked up to me and interrupted me herself, but it was only a few quick flashes in my mind over maybe a ten-minute period (I wasn’t counting really).

Also, it’s worth noting that in spite of everything I’ve been through with her and this situation it really doesn’t take long before I start kind of forgetting her, forgetting to remember to avoid her, etc. and that’s when the cycle seems to start all over again. I’m tired of the madness.
I have a hard time focusing on almost everything except my journaling for awhile after seeing her unexpectedly. I’ve decided to put my real estate education off until further notice and am thinking about going back to my former job for a little while at least one or two days a week, and dabbling lightly in gambling if I decide to do that. I’m considering putting one of my fiction books on Amazon, I just have to watch some videos and figure out how. I’m researching the idea of getting two or three cars to rent out on Turo. I’m reading about various cars, which ones are safer, etc. Practicing calculating the costs of maintaining various cars aside and what I might make as opposed to what I might pay for various cars, insurance, everything else, so that when I look for real, I’ll be more ready.

I just can’t get motivated for crap anymore other than actual writing and doing Duolingo, which I’ve been doing a lot of for quite some time now. I wasn’t like this before J came along. I’m just so annoyed and upset that I was so ready to start moving forward before all of this happened. I really want to do all of these things. Maybe not as badly as I want to be a writer, but I wanted, still want, to do it all. I still see no reason why I can’t and it would be good for my future to get into real estate, even if I eventually only just invest.

I still want to do sales, or even get another type of non-driving job, but I just feel that given my history of bullying, I’m way too vulnerable right now. I just don’t feel it’s the right time, but I need to do something and it might help to be around people who know me again.
It’s just mystifying. But I’m not going to lie, I think a big part of my hesitation around becoming a real estate agent is that if I became an actual real estate agent, I’d be held to following all of the government’s stupid rules which IMO keep poor people, especially poor people of color, GLBTQ people, their neighborhoods, other marginalized people with less/no resources down whether or not they’re there for a reason.

Not to mention, back to that strange fantasy/incident with J, that it happened recently after I talked to most of my family and friends from the beyond and prayed to God and told them, probably a month ago, that under no circumstances do I want to be without one of you when I’m entering or exiting the lobby or in the neighborhood here so I’d appreciate it if one of you could always be with me when that happens.

This has helped when seeing her, as I’m no longer having anxiety around her like before which was getting almost as bad as panic attacks, and I’m convinced that’s why I’ve seen her way less, otherwise the situation hasn’t really improved a lot, given that recent experience in my mind.
Also, the first day I took a walk after I did that, I saw a construction worker who looked like one of my deceased friends, not exactly but a lot like him. He turned and looked at me in a loving, seemingly knowing way, but I barely looked at him after the first time. It was just comforting.
I have no idea if J as torn over me inside as I am her or she’s a malevolent narcissist or psychopath who is enjoying all of this, if she really has psychic powers or not, or if my own mind is driving me crazy, or maybe a bit of all of the above. I guess time will tell…

Real quick I end this post with a funny story on the idea of manifestation. So one night I tried a manifestation exercise to manifest money. It like involved imagining a warm light going through you, and loads of money falling down all over and around you, filling up your space, and that of your neighbors’, etc.

I didn’t feel like it really worked because I couldn’t actually believe that I imagined it all, but I had a brief chat with one of my neighbors who is always broke. Like literally this guy has terrible luck, and he’d mentioned in the elevator that he won a grocery gift card or something. I thought nothing of it at first until a cycle of negative thinking that I was experiencing later and I just remembered that and remembered I’d done the manifestation. I really need to try to keep it together and keep imagining where I want to go in life and the things I want to do.
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Wed Apr 06, 2022 9:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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JupiterTaco
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It All Leads Back To "J"...

Post by JupiterTaco »

EXTINCTION BURST/FLYING MONKEY; LEARNING TO TRUST MYSELF

Last Friday night I stopped in on my way up catching up with the guy G. Throughout my time chatting with him, he’s occasionally brought up J in conversation the same as the few other people I talk with regularly and I tried to think nothing of it. I’m well aware that anything you tell other people can end up in places you wouldn’t imagine, and I know this place is no different. I just don’t care but moving on.

Last night he kept bringing J up, first when he told me with some form of noticeable emotion that I really “lift J up”. Which really shocked me and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me emotionally in some form. I realized it was all true. She was really that affected by me emotionally and likely couldn’t control her own emotions around me, whether she was happy, sad, angry, etc. Instead of just hating me which I started wondering about. I was caught off-guard when he said that, and just kind of stupidly said “I had no idea”.

He’d said something along the lines of that’s what she gets from me, and then that I can get “entertainment” from J or something. I almost said “I don’t need J for entertainment” but I said nothing, though I’m sure the look was on my face. Quite frankly, though I can certainly still see how I was drawn in, I’ve realized I find J and her games quite boring actually.

The second time he brought her up was when he’d said he was the one who suggested J should do voice-overs and get paid for it which she does a bit of I guess. He’d told me I had a unique voice and I kind of got caught up in laughing a bit and saying “yeah, J’s really good at that”! Which she is. But the whole thing just proved that I wasn’t losing my mind imagining all of this. Whether or not people can tell what’s actually going on under the surface between us, it’s clear that something is going on that other people notice. Whether or not this whole building is full of flying monkeys doesn’t matter to me a whole lot (though I know it is).

So I end this post to tell you, trust yourselves. If you think something is going on, if you get a funny feeling, and if you think you know what’s going on but can’t prove it, just trust yourself. It’s likely the case.

RANT…3/20

So this is probably not going to be a very nice post. I have nothing nice to say recently which is why I haven’t been on here much. That old adage, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all you know…except of course on Facebook…I didn’t need today. Seriously I didn’t. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the first time in years now given everything else going on in my life. I’ve been thinking about the reality that I have enough credit to pay my rent next month or buy a gun and just end it all. Which to be honest, visitation dreams from deceased people make it so hard to wake back up and go back to living this lonely, go-nowhere life of mine when I’d rather be with them. Then I won’t have to worry about rising above wage slavery or improving myself, or having to face the reality that I might have to go back to the service industry for work, which I’m sorry but I’ll die before that happens.

That’s how much I hate to do that, considering I’m now reading about retail workers working six days a week in this crisis instead of taking care of themselves like they should be doing. I’m sorry. I will not. I will starve, face eviction and die first. Last week I was bitching about Doordashing six days and not even making three-hundred dollars (barely over two-fifty). Now I’m not making any money whatsoever. Careful what you wish for! I just wish that for once I could get what little I need. That would be nice.

Then I feel like shit next to the numerous people whose lives are much worse than mine, so yeah. Did I mention I got a birthday card from my mother? Going on and on about how she still doesn’t understand what she did, and how my brother’s wife still hates her and she just “brings it out in people hahaha”. How when her failed business and my stepdad “happened” to her, it ruined her life, yadayadayada…All of a sudden she hates winter, and hates Colorado and the only reason she stayed there is because of Grandpa. SMH…

Oh and she has 200,000 in equity in her house and it’s all mine when she dies. First of all, that isn’t going to mean shit when the house is going to need a full rehab after the abuse she, my stepdad and brother put into it over the years. All the holes in the walls for just one example…and the fact that the stupid hot-tub room is not connected right to the rest of the fucking electricity (there are problems with it, sorry it’s just beyond my knowledge, I don’t know the ins and outs. Just that she hired a cheap-ass to do it after one of my uncles who’d agreed to do it backed out of the project). All of these things are going to come up trying to sell it for a decent price no matter the demand of that area; that is if creditors don’t take the rest after that…

This was actually when I was still doing okay emotionally, right around my birthday so I decided to write her back. I just told her, it mystifies me that she can continue denying reality when my brother and I both have proof of our interactions with her over the years, and that I’m not going to engage in these circular arguments with her, I only want positivity in my life from now on.

I also told her that it wasn’t completely her fault that her business failed. There were things that as an employee-minded person, she couldn’t have known about owning a successful business without the proper education. That was really the only reason I decided to write her. I felt that needed to be said and felt this was the time and I did it.

So anyway, out of the blue comes this coronavirus bullshit. Now despite that Doordash waived all delivery fees, the orders were falling in compensation again, and then it went almost immediately to zero. I can’t blame people. I wouldn’t order food right now. I don’t even want to go anywhere. But I just can’t think of a worse, or even crazier time for this. And I have to be honest that I’m a little suspicious of the circumstances.

I know the virus is real, but I’m just confused that right after all of the crap going on in the world; the near-impeachment of our president, the crap with other various countries, the news about the stock market, the ongoing battle of environmentalists and oil pipe expansion, the fight for justice for minorities in our justice system and finally the attention to missing native women, that this happens. Not only did this happen, but now the census is out.

This is the first time since living on my own that I’ve ever gotten a census and for the most part have been on my own for several years. Call me crazy but I’m a bit suspicious with everything going on that we get this now. Not only that, but the financial industry is suddenly going to go easy on everybody given this? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about it, it’s the way it should’ve always been, but still I feel like we’re not being told the whole story and it’s piquing my spidey senses.

But I’m not in the position to turn down becoming the government’s whore since I have no choice right now. If they want to send me money, who am I to say no? Beggars can’t be choosers. So that’s where my life has been sitting and it’s been miserable. Then today…was finally feeling a tad better today after a lengthy depression spell, and had gotten up this evening to listen to an audiobook, and our fire alarm goes off. I’ve only heard it go off a handful of times since living here, and the fire department has been here their share of times.

I didn’t smell any smoke and wasn’t entirely sure they weren’t testing it since new people just bought this building, and people have been in and out, so I tried to ignore it. Then a fire truck showed up. Then the fire trucks kept showing up. At one point, I could see ladders being raised to one particular unit somewhere below me but still couldn’t smell smoke. Most of my neighbors had gone outside at that point, several were out front watching the action. Then I became aware I was smelling some type of electric-burning smell or something. So I decided to grab my cat and get out.

Halfway down the stairwell I could smell the smoke and had to work my way around fire personnel who were throwing stuff around trying to get ready. I apologized and slipped past them along with two other people who were late out and we all got out and that was that. I went out front with my pet carrier but my cat was really upset and I was talking to her, so I wanted to get away from the crowds and at that point smoke was becoming more noticeable. Some people were out front and some were strung along the parking lot and back. I saw J in the parking lot and she was really staring at me. I looked back for a second and then kind of walked away with my pet carrier.

I did not want to see her today. That’s why I stayed inside. Especially after yesterday when I went home yesterday evening and I was saying hi to this other guy’s dog, and I was laughing because the dog was literally dragging him along to come to me. Then J came out the back door to the building and when I saw her, she turned and went back inside. Then a minute later came back out and was joining her “friend” at the table out back, loudly calling “there you are!”

Me and the other guy and his dog went inside and that was that. Not too long ago I was going out for a walk one day and a group of people were socializing in the office including J, who saw me through the office blinds when I got off the elevator and turned away. A maintenance guy made a show out of dragging me into an ongoing conversation with him and the apartment manager from the doorway to the office, while J looks at me through the blinds from where she’s sitting over and over. Just maddening.

After another day I was going home, and that was my first official day back to Doordash and I’d done plenty of looking at that point from my covered window trying to decipher if J had some kind, any kind of schedule, so I could avoid her, and saw pretty much no sign of J…until I went back to work that day and she was hanging around out front talking to someone in a car, saw me driving up and turned and walked away to stomp back inside. I just ignored her and went into the parking lot. Annoyed that day 1 and there she was. And then feeling like shit because as I’ve said, it’s been months now and we both should be able to come and go without this crap. But as usual, it just astounds me that an eleven-story building with probably ten units on every floor (never actually counted but there are a lot), and the only people I ever see are these, ahem, people I don’t want to see.

So after all this, call me confused that she’s apparently still trying to get my attention, by staring at me needlessly from across the friggin’ parking lot on fire day. So of course I just ignored her. For the most part, this has been easy to do. I’m not rude about it. We just don’t presumably want to be near each other anymore and I’m okay with that. To her credit, after the eye-contact debacle it seemed she was trying to stay away from me but there’s only so many places we could go (honestly if it weren’t for my cat, I probably would’ve just left for the night but I digress).
Eventually I went into the parking lot when the news started up, and eventually into the lobby because it was getting chilly out, and I was also sick of listening to J’s “friend” (main supply) scream at her kid.

J was by the door then and I didn’t hear what she said when she greeted me, but I just said hi and went in with my cat and took a seat somewhere. To which numerous other people were staring at me and a couple asked me if I was okay and I said I was fine, my cat just doesn’t like the noise (which was true).

So it gets dicey when other people are around, such as that. Because even though I have my issues with J, I still seem to care what other people think of me just ignoring her. It makes me the bad one and for some insane reason I care. Then of course, I didn’t know how to feel when she would go away at times and then come back. Then she was laughing with the little pink-haired brat I caught purposely parking in wrong parking spots when she tried to take mine earlier this week.

Quickly on that story, I’d just caught her Saturday when I was coming back from a delivery and I had no idea who drove that car but it was always in random spots, including mine. This went on for weeks. I’d thought about leaving a note on her car as I had to do with someone else once, but I’m sick of wasting my notebook paper for this crap so I didn’t.

So Saturday when I came in, I asked her if that (my spot) was hers. She told me with attitude that she’d paid for her spot. I asked, “you paid for this spot”, and she kind of stopped and said “well it was (her) spot” which was a different number. I told her, “that’s the one you have to park in, you can’t just park wherever you want, it doesn’t work that way.”

She gets all martyr on me and goes “if it’s a problem I’ll move it,” and I told her, please. So she did, and got all mad about it but I just couldn’t believe it. I would’ve been more understanding if either she didn’t know the policy or if we were both inexplicably paying for the same spot, but she knew. She just didn’t care. She didn’t care that one guy almost got charged three-hundred dollars by management for going off on them for not enforcing the parking and he had to park out front several times.

So anyway, yeah, I don’t like her. She will never build up her image in my head. Haha. But back to fire day, then J came in and was standing facing me for awhile from where she was and I was talking to other people and trying not to look at her. The sad thing is? I met a guy today who would be really great for me. He’s a nice, gorgeous, easygoing heavyset guy like I normally like ‘em, volunteers at the shelter and lives in my building. He seemed to stick near me at times, but J kept distracting me…even at one point walking right by me with this surprised look in her eyes as she stared right at me, and I think he eventually noticed this crap and kind of meandered away. I felt bad, and mostly just like utter shit. Walking out on my lease, leaving these people high and dry and more importantly, never seeing J again, sounds better every day, like a fairytale but especially now.

I know that running away isn’t the answer; either through suicide or abandoning my apartment and life. I know that limerence is a pattern that will just keep happening but I really think this is an exception. I went years without even being attracted to anyone, before all of this. It’s my own fault I didn’t know what J was up to. Now I’m stuck in her stupid web. I truly feel if I had known to avoid that I would not be in this situation right now, and it just keeps going on.

Now there’s no way to undo it, and I feel like I’m not going to move forward until I get away from her permanently. So for all of those whom I told, to try to explore your feelings and figure out where they come from, etc. I know for sure now that it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it all. I’ve learned so much about myself and my patterns from J…and still the madness won’t end. And the sad part? Someone almost lost their life tonight, two people (also neighbors) put themselves at risk to save her, and at least two pets are now missing in the building and this is (almost) all I can think about. How pathetic is that? It is so not me…

3/20/20

Well guess who just happened to be looking right at my window from where she was in the parking lot just now when I was looking out my window. This wasn’t an easy feat either. The parking lot is almost impossible to see from my side of the building aside from the one parking spot where one of her “supply” happened to be parked at that time I guess.

I was looking out my window like I do sometimes because I truly have an awesome view. That’s probably one of the only saving graces of this building. And just happened to notice a shadow on the far side and it was her, barely visible and then walking backward talking to whoever she was talking to and at that second she looked at my window and kept looking. She must’ve said something to other people who were loading their car in front of the building because they looked at me too.

So I backed away from the window but some bullshit. What’s the point of the view if I can’t look out my window without people gawking at me let alone fucking her? Am I supposed to be flattered that she’s that bored that she’s looking at my window? But it probably gave her a little boost to see me looking back at her. Bitch. The idea of walking out on my lease is sounding better every day.

So it’s been awhile since I’ve updated, partly because there wasn’t much new to add regarding the J situation, and partly because I’ve been busier than I’ve been in a long time, workwise. I’m doing three delivery apps now and let’s just say my earnings have been much better.

Ironically, Doordash has suddenly never been busier. They’ve had peak pay and other incentives every single day/night for awhile now and I’ve been working and getting order after order. So despite that grocery shopping for money can be a nice break from driving, delivering food when one is choosy about the orders they accept, is still technically easier money. In regards to my suicidal thoughts over a month ago, I am truly ashamed that I sunk that low and so quickly. How did I go from getting pretty far on my book, being so sure of myself and what I’ve learned, to feeling like I really haven’t gotten anywhere emotionally and ready to fall apart?

I remember in my mind promising Kenny Suttner and people like him that I’ve read about, that I’m going to change things, and how focused I was before all of this happened. But to see J out enjoying herself while I’m stuck with nowhere to turn really burns. Don’t get me wrong, visitation dreams are incredible and real. That was my support system after losing my family. But the whole thing with J made me realize it’s not quite the same as having living people there for you and how nice it would be and how incredibly painful it is not to have that. I guess a part of me thought if I could be on the other side, maybe I would have that again. I felt like maybe I let everybody down when I thought about blowing my brains out not a week into the pandemic.

I realize this pandemic has brought the worst out in many people, but I was stronger than that. I’m reminded of that every time I’m also triggered now that there’s all of this mental health help for people who are dealing with social isolation for the first time in their lives while I’m scoffing going “you poor babies, try going through that your whole life!” Which I feel like the biggest asshole on earth to say, but yes it’s how I feel.

But the money thing was the big thing that was bothering me. The only reason I’ve been so upset about my own isolation recently aside from the reminders that now everybody else is going through it so it’s suddenly important, is that I know these two people, J and C, have probably been attracted to the fact that I have nobody. I told J such as an authority in the building when she was working here and I was afraid of how bad the trouble with my family could get, and I regret it. Otherwise it’s just obvious that I have no visitors, nobody who really cares about me. So now given what I’m going through, it’s starting to really freak me out how alone I am. It’s like a game to them, how far they can go with me and who would care? I feel like it’s attracting all kinds of unwanted attention I don’t need. Making money has helped take my mind off of it all.

Back to the subject, also since a major grocery chain that has probably 70% of our orders has instituted that even professional shoppers have to get their health checked along with employees to go into the store, I’ve already cut back on that. I’m not their employee and I don’t want some freako I don’t know putting their hands on me in any way. If I wasn’t sick before, I’d definitely be sick after that!

So despite that each app has its ups and downs, I’m as of right now coming out on top for the first time in a long time. It’s about time I’m making money. I’m very grateful. So in essence the coronavirus pandemic has become the best thing to happen to me personally in awhile in ways. I also have an excuse to avoid people and not feel bad. I don’t have to engage small-talk with people as I deliver their food. I’m really getting spoiled by the lack of traffic and crowds. So aside from the virus, and the fact that they closed state parks, which was the only public space I utilized, I could really get used to living like this. (Also my driving is carbon-neutral now, yaay!)

But I’m truly sorry for the people who are not making money right now. I’m really sorry for the people fighting this nasty virus. So not to brag but I’m trying to give back in ways that I can and the reason I state it is because it’s important to me to whatever happens, remember where I came from, where I’ve been, and to remember others. I’m so grateful to be in the position to do this, and I’m not sure it’ll last, but yeah.

So aside from that, I’m now being sexually harassed and potentially stalked by a cabbage-patch-look-alike bi-chick, C. I first started seeing her around late last summer but I never thought anything of it. Something was always off about her. She always gave me wide-eyed, intense eye-contact which I didn’t like but I didn’t know her and she really didn’t talk to me so I thought nothing of it. She often gave the appearance of being slightly autistic but given things that have happened recently, I’m afraid that like J, she might be another garden-variety psychopath.

Among the cringe-worthy things she’s done just in the past week alone, she continued commenting on my appearance despite insistence from me that I don’t appreciate it. She commented one night that I was “looking dark” wearing an orangish tank top that apparently accentuates my skin color.

J, who was standing with her on the path on the way into the building talking to people outside, told C to “leave my friend alone” as they followed me in. But she laughed along with C the one night I had to go to the store and tried to avoid C’s eyes as she commented on my “shake” walking as J laughed along with her. Before that, C called over the whole lobby that she was going to “tear that pussy up”. I can’t remember what was going through my head when that happened, I think I was just shocked that someone would go to that level, despite what I’d heard about C up to that point; that she was “wild”, etc.

So I was caught with a group of tenant spectators including the security people watching as she did this, and I was caught off-guard, and as I struggled to keep off a humiliated smile, I think I said “I don’t want to hear things like that!” and she had said something else, and J, who was sitting there, was looking at me really intently and all I wanted to do was get away from that situation.

So when I went up to my apartment and was disappointed to realize I had forgotten something at the store and had to go back, I went down past C and J, when C then made the comment about my “shake” walk, and I said something along the lines of “I thought you only liked black dicks, last time I checked I don’t have one!” in a voice that thinking of it now, went back to childhood some point, to which people laughed. But inside I was mad. As someone who has experienced sexual assault, I was not happy. And despite that I think the whole situation meant J still apparently liked me, it was pointless. She only wanted what she wanted and had no qualms to what this situation did to me inside. So the last thing I wanted to deal with later that week was going home and having J and C both standing right next to the sidewalk and then inexplicably followed me inside as C once again commented on my skin color.

T was at the desk and was looking at me with that knowing look him and I both share and I just kind of subtly rolled my eyes, got my mail and went upstairs. Seriously she acts like a creepy old man but she’s a younger woman!!!
A little later, I looked outside the back window in the hall to see if J, C or anybody else was back there so I could get a few minutes alone out back and enjoy the nice evening. J was in the parking lot and I believe once again saw me looking out the window as I walked up taking a quick peek.
I walked away and went back to my apartment, had some dinner and went downstairs and out front instead of out back. On my way back in, C was sitting with T again as he tried to ignore her and C said to me “you never have time to talk anymore!” to which I think I might’ve said “yeah”. She told me I look “nice today”.
Yesterday on my daily walk, I noticed she was out front and had walked past the wall around the back portion of the parking lot facing the other block hoping to avoid her. Guess who was out back with her dog as soon as I got in. She followed me into the building and was staring at me with a nasty look in her eyes as we waited for the elevator. At least one other person was in the lobby, who then left, and I didn’t want to be in an elevator alone with her so I just took the stairs and booked it. I was terrified. So now I’m dealing with this all over again with someone new, though I’m still annoyed that no matter what I do, I still run into J and/or her new main supply.
I didn’t know C well before all of this, so when she invited me over to talk to a group of people (J not included) at a car in the parking lot one evening upon my return from working not too long ago, I thought nothing of it.
Plus I have to be honest that possibly in my mind, I was ready to move on from the whole J debacle or at least give the appearance that I was trying. I figured if people insist on telling me everything J is doing with everyone else, maybe it was because she thought I was stuck on her and wanted me to move on. Maybe they’d return the favor and she’d go away if word got around that I was talking to someone new. It didn’t have to be someone important, you know…but I realize that’s a dumb thing to do, and just one more reason I’m annoyed with myself that I have let this start affecting me so negatively.
Despite that I’m sure J is seeing someone else, I can’t get my mind off of her, and it’s clear she still is affected by me also when we cross paths. I think this because J has been spending all of her time with another new woman, and I only know myself, I don’t spend excessive time with someone unless I really like them or we get along really well. Actually I prefer not to do that whatsoever these days but so many other people are not that way.
But I realize she could be different. My brother was always that way with both friends and girlfriends. He preferred constantly hanging out with one person for a time, and I’ve had many friends (possible BPD-types) who did the same.
What I’m saying is that I shouldn’t be bothered by or thinking about this crap, but it’s always in my face because I still run into one or both of these people (and now this new chick C) anytime I leave or return to my apartment.
So I do take responsibility for the fact that one night in the lobby right before C invited me over to the car in the parking lot happened, I was talking to a few neighbors including the desk guy T, girl C, another (bisexual) guy who apparently lives on J’s floor and for some reason felt the need to tell me that some woman who lived next door to him and made painful moaning sounds which he’s talked about over and over in a disgusted way, was constantly being visited by J around the time last summer when I started seeing her everywhere, and I don’t think I need to explain the insinuation there. All I know is I got another grim reminder that what I knew, what my body always knew, was what she was really up to and that it was manipulation, not a true desire to know me.
So that begs the question once again, is J doing this on purpose to toy with me since she was able to manipulate me into having feelings for her, or are people just overly preoccupied with her goings-on as a trans-woman in the building, possibly some form of trans-objectification or something? Who knows…
Something I recently thought of too, is that if J is in competition with other people for “supply” they could be completely making things up to make her look bad also, but first of all, why me? Second of all, I seem to live in a place where sleeping around isn’t seen as “bad” (and I’m not necessarily saying it should be). It’s just incompatible with me. For example, desk guys T and G also seem to both do it, but nobody feels the need to tell me about it.
So back to the subject, so that same night we were all talking in the lobby, which I almost never do, this other girl C, who acted almost possessive of desk-guy T, had asked me a question, IDR what it was anymore but it threw me off because it gave the appearance that she was interested in me.
T then had this freaked-out look on his face and he’s like “she wants you, JT, better run!” but I thought nothing of it and I just thought she was embarrassed and/or joking around, so I’d laughed “I’m not worried, I’ve heard her use that line on everybody!” Which is true. That’s apparently where it all started, and I take responsibility for that. I never thought that a bit of slightly-risque conversation with neighbors would go like this but based on past experiences apparently I should. It’s just that people are not like this where I came from, people are a lot more avoidant there, so it never really occurred to me how different it is here.
The level of sexual entitlement out here is something else, which seems odd when you think about it, because aside from that one can literally buy sex on any streetcorner in many neighborhoods here, J and C, according to what they and other people say, seem to have no shortage of people, so I just don’t get why they would try so hard with one person who’s not going to go there, especially given all the mixed-messages, confusing signals and other crap I’ve gone on about ad litem surrounding J that just reinforced my own position, but now I’ll talk more about C.
So that night in the parking lot when I got home, C and one of her female friends (black) and T and his cousin who were in their car hanging out, called me over to hang out, so I decided to go over there. I really didn’t want to go over there, but I think my freeze response was activated. T warned me and then kept warning me to just go away but I just couldn’t do it for some reason as I just stood outside with them.
C proceeded to ask me really invasive questions about my sexual history, preferences, which I didn’t answer, told me I should try Facebook dating, after I told her I’m not interested in dating anyone. C went on about how she loves black men (or should I say their “parts” but I’m trying my best to politely explain this just for reference), and insisted that I’ve got to try it, that I would love it. Then asked me what size I would want because she “knows a lot of people”.
At this same time, the other woman, who had made derogatory remarks about J in her absence, calling her “ the he-she”, loud enough for the whole building to hear, was now aggressively focusing her attention on T, trying to get his attention by pinching him, hitting him, and laughing with C, who was telling her to basically just “jump on him” for lack of um…more off-putting words. The woman was going on about how she wanted him so bad but he wasn’t interested and T and his cousin ignored her.
At some point, things culminated in T leaving his car and walking across the parking lot presumably to get away from her, and her following him, and them talking quietly as I watched getting increasingly alarmed but actually almost afraid to leave them alone with these two at that point. It was clear these guys didn’t want them there.
C had made a comment to the other woman at some point that if I “hung out with her” I had to be like her and sleep around. Which I think was the real point for me where I was thinking to myself “um, no”. The abusive behavior towards T followed him back into the lobby where he was then alone with them and I was still afraid to leave but I finally did.
The thing about T is that he is a fairly big buff black guy. He looks like the type that could kick your ass. But he’s actually quite timid and easily startled. That’s one thing about this idea that women can’t be abusers and men can’t be victims.
So since then, I’ve seen C almost every time I leave my apartment. Sound familiar? Oh and since the parks are closed and there are no bathrooms there, I’ve lost my one solace from this place, so I have no choice but to hang out outside here when it’s nice and I just want to relax outside for a little while.
One day I was outside with my laptop hanging out and C came out and started asking me what I was doing the next day (I had planned to work) and I told her so. She started asking me when I get off, etc. I was annoyed that I couldn’t concentrate on my work, so I just point-blank asked her why she was asking. She kind of froze for a second and then asked if I’d take her to the vet since something is wrong with her car.
Again I went into freeze mode and finally just agreed to take her so she’d go away. Which meant I’d have to do it in the middle of my workday. She finally did go away and then I was flabbergasted that I hadn’t just told her to fuck off. After all, she had plenty of men who gave her money who could take her (in probably a nicer car), right? But there was no way to undo it so I did the next best thing and just stood her up.
Yep, despite running into her one friend on the way out to take an early grocery-shopping order and being gone literally all day, I got away with it and though crazily I still felt bad even though she was the one pushing my boundaries, I was relieved I had the guts to do it, and hoped that would be the end of her.
But nooope. She and J were both in the lobby when I got back. C tried calling out to me but I ignored her and went straight upstairs. Another night when I came home, J was at the desk talking to people and I was terrified she’d gotten her desk job back and tried to sneak into the building and into the elevator without being seen. J called out jokingly “ma’am, I need to get your name,” and then started giggling when I turned around.
I was like “don’t you ma’am me, bitch!” you know joking, and we were joking around. I got into a conversation with J and a new friend of hers who were in the lobby. Her friend, the only one who has ever been nice to me btw, was asking me if I wanted to stay in our neighborhood when I moved, which I stated I was doing after J had told me to check my new lease since there were changes on it. I told her I was moving this year, that I was done (which I am). J said she was getting a one-bedroom and had turned to look at me briefly, and I said nothing. I wondered if she was going to bait me into asking about it so she could tell me she might be possibly moving in with one of her supply or something (or even so that when the one with the kid went to visit, they could leave the kid out in the living room).
As we were talking about something else, J, who had already said once “I don’t want to keep you” with her big smile, the way she always did way back in the days when she worked the desk and would inexplicably drag the conversation we were having on as I was trying to leave, said this time, “I’m done” and made almost a shooing gesture with her hand. I said “no” with confusion and asked her what I wanted to ask her about what we were talking about. Essentially, this bitch lived in Alaska and never once went into the wilderness. Which I finally found out after trying to ask the simple question of that when that subject came up, and she first skirted around it thinking I guess that I was talking about the Aleuitian Islands and then talking briefly about those. I asked again if she had ever ventured into the wilderness and she said no. Like who does that???
Anyway as I was waiting for the elevator a few minutes later, they couldn’t get the back door to close, so J had to go over and as the tallest, jump up to hit the thing on top to make it close. I was staring at her just mesmerized as she stood sideways, her body facing me, her face facing the door after jumping.
And I was struck by the fact of how she still affects me physically. The hint of man in her female voice; the bit of stubble on her smooth, feminine face; the tall stature full of feminine mannerisms. And I am still awestruck by this crazy person that I still don’t want a relationship with. It just makes no sense, considering for example when other things happen, such as when I see her and her supply and I saw them close together in the parking lot once on my way out and I was on my way out the door. J looked up and saw me. I backed away from the window and waited at the elevator for a few minutes hoping they’d be gone. When I went out to my car, they finally pulled out; and then looped around so they drove right past me over the empty parking spaces near mine. The day I was outside with my laptop, they had come out and the walkway was nowhere near me, but J stopped and looked at me as they were leaving and I just pretended not to see her and focus on my work.
Now I see C and J together frequently and even though an evil part of me wishes they’d hook up with each other and get out of my hair, I’m truly becoming terrified that, like everything else, this whole situation with C was another setup from J to fuck with me and remind me that she has the control. That as long as I live here, I’ll never get away. Because everything continues to somehow lead right back to her.
6/20
It’s been quite awhile since I journaled about this situation now. Part of the reason being that I’ve been so busy, then had car issues last week, and am now battling bed bugs again.
So despite that the thing that happened last night was very telling and journal-worthy, I had to laugh in my head at the thought that J might still be trying to fuck with my emotions. I’ve been losing sleep and worrying about my safety on the road due to parasitic insects. So if there ever were a time I don’t care, it would be right now.
But I’m thinking and journaling about it so you know. The mindfuckery just never ceases to amaze me. So last night J and her supply came outside while I was on my laptop out back. There were two guys outside, the two guys who were painting the lobby, etc.
In my mind I was thinking “oh shit” as I didn’t think I’d run into them at night. I wasn’t even aware that this other woman has dogs until recently. I’ve been literally flying off the handle about everything all week due to my shitty sleep quality.
So I just found myself trying to hide myself behind my laptop in the dark and figuring they’d just stay over there since a couple of times the other woman had been out alone with her dogs, she didn’t come near me.
A couple of minutes later, J approached the table and was like “JT?” I just kind of waved and she was smoking so she asked if it was okay if she sat down. I sarcastically said “no, I own the table!” and she just said it was because she was smoking. I said it’s cool and she sat down.
I really wasn’t paying much attention to her, but it seemed she was turned away from me facing the other woman who was talking to the two guys and I was reading my document. Then she finally turned and asked me, “do you understand everything they’re saying?” since I was listening to my Reggaeton Clasicos mix which I’ve posted here before. It seemed she asked that as a passive-aggressive move because she was aware when I was hanging out with her, that I was trying to learn Spanish, or at least that was how it came across.
I said “not everything”, but I was kind of annoyed. Yes, I’m late to the party learning Spanish. It’s something that still bothers me. All I wanted for years was to learn it, and starting with my bilingual, Mexican third-grade teacher who’d started a program for kids who wanted to learn it, that we could and would have our own older ESL tutors. I really enjoyed that but it didn’t last long. Add to that always wanting to take Spanish classes but they were always full. You pretty much had to sign up for it the year before to get into a class (but you couldn’t do that). So I’m guessing that’s part of what triggered me, which I take responsibility for. I just found myself silently annoyed that aside from that she truly reminds me of my mother due to her apparent disdain for anything Latin culture, she seems preoccupied with what I do and it’s weird.
I know it was an attempt to dig at my self-image, but it didn’t work. Because I don’t care. Many people listen to other languages and/or watch subtitles while trying to learn it. So she then starts telling me about something that helps people work on their accents or something. Again I wasn’t paying attention because quite frankly I don’t really want anything to do with her. At this point the other woman had come over, when J had told me I should get dreadlocks in my hair and we were idly talking about that. The woman had said that there was a certain culture that didn’t want people learning their language to perfect the accent because they liked helping with it, but she didn’t remember what it was.
J is sitting there looking between us with this tight, strange smile like she was waiting for the chance to maneuver the interaction to go her way or go back into the spotlight or whatever. I knew it, and nobody could tell me otherwise. Then the other woman invited her up to her apartment in front of me and they left. J told me to “enjoy being by myself” and kept calling things out to me as they were walking away, looking back at me and soon bumping into each other and apparently deciding to watch where they were going at that point. Just another WTF moment J-style. Yet it never ceases to amaze me, her continued attempts to make me jealous with her new supply or otherwise get my attention.

Post/ 7/28/20

I can agree. While it's good to be able to see one's own role in things, I am sick to death of being forced to carry the blame for the way someone else decides to treat me. Case in point my most recent neighbor situation. I did nothing whatsoever to this guy, have no idea what he decided his fucking problem is with me.

Was sitting outside writing and listening to music minding my own business almost two weeks ago. He came out to bitch about his apartment, with someone else soon joining us, which culminated into him basically telling me all the ways my oh-so-powerful landlord could ruin my life, for no reason. WTF! This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I never talk to people!!!
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Wed Apr 06, 2022 9:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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JupiterTaco
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Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
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Visitation Dream Ended My Trauma Bond/Update

Post by JupiterTaco »

9/3/20 VISITATION DREAM ENDED MY TRAUMA BOND

I wanted to update the forum on my experiences regarding the J situation as it’s been awhile now. I’m happy to report that J has moved away. It’s been a little over a month now apparently. She left probably at the same time that I’d given my notice that I was leaving abruptly after a scuffle with another neighbor who happens to be a friend of hers and one of the ones who was constantly bringing her up. I had hoped to be out of here within two weeks as I no longer felt safe to live in the building not just with the one man, but also because of the increasing mobbing that had been happening to me ever since this J crap had started, and honestly I wasn’t entirely sure she wasn’t still behind it, trying to drive me out of the building because she couldn’t live with the consequences of her own stupid behavior.

This happened one Friday night mid-July when I was sitting outside writing, listening to music and having a good time by myself, when this older overweight man, who lives on the eighth floor as does J, had come out and greeted me the normal way he always did, by asking if I was “having a picnic”. I just told him I was writing and he came and sat down. He was agitated because he’d tried to talk to desk guy G (J’s flying monkey for reference), about his apartment issues, and G had told him he didn’t know anything about that. This other man, whose name I don’t even know, went off about how G acts like he knows everything but he really knows nothing. Because of a recent experience I’d had with G, I also agreed that at times he was like that.

I’ve learned a lot from G, but he doesn’t take well to the idea that anybody (or maybe just a woman), might know something he doesn’t. One thing that, for reference, happened, was one night when G had spent most of the night talking about his past problems, past marriage, past homelessness and struggles with his daughter, and the subject turned to his other favorite subject; the things he learned in the Navy, and WWII came up. I’d mentioned that the Germans had sunk the Carpathia, which had rescued Titanic’s survivors. He’d snapped that that was the California, not the Carpathia.

Of course it’s been years since I read about it, but I was pretty sure I was right, it was the Carpathia, because the California had been out of range or whatever of the distress call. He insisted he thought it was the California that had rescued the survivors but he’d look it up. I found myself getting irritated at that point, because I didn’t care to make idle chitchat into a fact-checking seminar but whatever.

I found that later on that night he’d gotten moody, and the two times after that we talked, which he started and again went on about his past, the first time, he blatantly stonewalled me when I was telling him a brief story about my brother’s refusal to change into pants for winter one year when the subject was on how men never dress for the weather and he’d bragged that he didn’t need to or whatever. So T was in the room when I was telling that story, and G had turned away. T had kind of looked at me and frowned at the situation but shrugged it off.

I went upstairs and cut the next conversation he tried to start with me short the next time. I wasn’t mean about it, I just realized what I always knew, that I had better things to do with my time and way too much that needed to be done, rather than sit and talk to somebody who doesn’t want a mutual conversation of sorts. I didn’t need his company. Also because of the pandemic I know he’s been keeping distance from people in general due to health.

That was the last I’d seen him until that night this other man had come out griping about him. Though as I said I always learn something new when I talk to G, I was pretty annoyed that he couldn’t just man up and say “I don’t want a two-way conversation with you, I just want to blab endlessly”, or even just “I don’t want to talk to you”. But we live in a world where people get triggered badly by these things so maybe that’s the reason, IDK. I doubt it, I think he’s just entirely self-absorbed but moving on.

So that night, I told the other man, I don’t think he knows about the apartment junk because he’s not actually in charge of that (something G has told me over and over, that people go to him to complain about their apartment issues when he’s not in charge of that, he’s just one of the desk guys, but apparently they trust him and he’s like the middle man).

He argued angrily that G acted like he knew what he was talking about when he didn’t (which was something people told me they didn’t like about him in passing), and I kind of shrugged and nodded and said nothing.

This man went on and on about his apartment, how his AC was broken, and repeated requests to fix it had gone unheeded and he couldn’t breathe and he was so close to the owner that he had his contact information after numerous apparent negative interactions with the new apartment manager, whom many people dislike.

How the owner was willing to let him out of his lease if he wanted. Then the man was bragging that the government benefits he gets is basically guaranteed money to the landlord that would follow him wherever he went and the owner would be stupid to let him go, yadayada. Eventually a lesbian couple we’d both become friendly with, had come out to talk to us. Which meant the three of them talking over my music so I could no longer hear it, and the one’s girlfriend starting to look at me like an outsider who didn’t belong at the table, despite that I’d been there first (the other girlfriend had been perfectly friendly with me up to that point, but I always felt something off about her girlfriend, aside from her constant comments about my skin color).

So I got the message but just hoped they’d go away soon because I wasn’t. I had bedbugs, they all claimed they didn’t, the man had insisted he had a perfect, renovated, former model apartment, so that there was no way he could have bedbugs (which I call bullshit but whatever). So I didn’t understand why during this Covid crap, they couldn’t just leave me my one repreave; that I can go outside and forget about my sucky life for awhile. But for some reason, somebody always wants to turn the table into a negative place.

Eventually the couple went away, but I was pretty annoyed by then that my attempts to join the conversation were flat-out ignored and kind of snapped off about that due to my irritation of my writing being so interrupted in the first place. And I was in such a good mood before all of that.
To which the man told me to just talk louder, and the man continued to go on. Soon G came out somewhat annoyed but apologetic that he was just trying to explain whatever he was trying to explain, and came to sit out and talk with him.

I continued working on my writing with my music on and eventually, the other man told me they were finally going to start treating infested apartments in a clover-leaf manner, the ones around it, etc. I was like, “it’s about time!” and he’d said the one next to me (I know which one), was badly infested. I said “no shit!” G told me they were probably going to treat every apartment around it including mine within the week and people had told me stories about how they’d been treated by the pest control staff. They were apparently bordering on abusive toward tenants with their aggressive insistence that all fabrics be washed and bagged on the day they treat.

I’ve been living hand to mouth for quite some time, and like I said, though I first started making good money during Covid and am technically doing well, I lost a lot of money that month having to fix three different things on my car that month, so I was back to no money again at this time.
It’s expensive to do laundry here, and I think I just plain said that I can’t afford to wash all the clothes that are in my drawers (most of the rest have been in bags since I moved here), because hello, we were out here “bitching about our apartments” and this man started arguing with me, that they’d probably evict me if I didn’t cooperate, and still put my stuff in storage and sue me for the infestation, that supposedly there was a clause in the lease for that.

I told G that the lease that I signed said nothing of the sort, only that they could sue/evict if they could prove you’d brought them in. G kind of said “well you know, if you scroll way down, it says” blahblahblah. Now I want to reiterate that at that exact moment, I always knew what my lease says and it didn’t say that and I know it.

But the thing was, that a new owner and management company had taken over the building some months before and according to what many had said, they had changed things up, including attempting to change things in the middle of leases, which they can’t do without the tenants signing a new lease, if even that’s legal in the middle of a lease, IDK...I just know that they’d tried it to little avail.

But I remembered at that moment, something peculiar that had happened shortly before that; that I’d gotten a note on my door thanking me for renewing my lease. I was confused because I hadn’t renewed my lease recently and had no plans to do it this time. But I just figured it was their attempt to look good to us so we’d think about staying and thought nothing else of it.

But when this man said that, all I could think about was that, and my formerly-harassed-by-a-landlord C-PTSD self had immediately freaked out wondering if they’d managed to forge tenant signatures to change lease terms. I had no idea, knew nothing about these people and would’ve thought it unlikely except that I’d already heard the illegal things these people had already been doing since being here.

The collective months of holding in my frustration, rage, fear, and unhappiness got to me at that moment. Everything I’d dealt with from random people in the building, the bedbug problem, my cat’s health problems, my worries about money, everything just capitulated in that moment.
I got really angry right then and before I could think, I stood up and just growled that “I’m so sick of this fucking place!” and threw my water bottle in a random direction. It hit the shed and bounced off and almost hit the one man. The man snapped that I almost hit him and told me I’d better apologize. I told him “fuck you, dude,” grabbed my stuff and left. G sat there and said nothing.

Normally I might’ve been worried about leaving G out there with him as he’s cart-ridden these days but he had bragged three different times about the time he and J were working the desk and J had asked him, what was he going to do to defend himself and kind of jokingly went at him, which culminated in G tackling J to the desk.

But that night, I had enough. I was just fuming mad, and really just shocked. Here I was, having a good evening after a terrible day at work, I’d been out there alone for almost two hours and other than a brief visitor here and there nobody had bothered me (and nobody was out there when I’d gotten home that night). So I was just annoyed.

I really felt this situation was just more white men dictating their control over the world, but I was a little freaked out. There are cameras all over the building and I worried if a camera had seen me do that, even though there’d been no damage and was freaked out about what the man himself might do. I wrote out a note that I was breaking my lease and slipped it under the office door.

I had done this one other time, when I first got bed bugs again, but I figured if I’d gotten rid of them before that I could do it again and I really didn’t want to break my lease but I know I was stressed out for months about money and the J and C situations. So I’d gone back later that night to take it back, and it was right where I left it. Well this time, it wasn’t, so somebody else had gotten it, possibly the desk staff. So what was done was done, and miserably and quite afraid, I’d gone up to go to bed.

I couldn’t sleep and was so upset for the rest of the night that for the first time, I utilized a crisis line early in the morning. I felt bad because I had always been afraid that doing that would keep somebody else more in need from getting help, but I really needed it that night. And really, I’d been dealing with my whole life for the past three years now, with no family, no friends, etc.

It was good to talk to somebody and I sat out in my car talking. I felt a little better and went to get a little bit of sleep, and got up that day to take my hobby bag to the park. The one man was outside when I left staring at me and was there when I got back, again staring at me. I just ignored him.

I’d been in therapy at that point, so I did try to message my therapist, who barely knew me at that point, but she was open to messages outside of our sessions, so I just told her what happened, that it wasn’t an emergency but I could use support if she had the time.
She messaged me back once, asking me where I was going to go when I broke my lease and I said I don’t know. After that, I worked for six days, trying to save some extra to maybe get a new apartment and called around.

In the meantime since I’d moved out here, the rent had inexplicably gone up. I love this city but there are no changes in this city whatsoever to warrant the sudden spike in rent prices everywhere. Even where I live now is raising the rent and rumored to be separating the utilities which is altogether now (under one meter. How these morons think they’re going to do that, when they claim to have no money, IDK…)

So yes the rent was high, but I tried to focus on student housing since I wasn’t sure the future of physical college classes. One wanted a huge deposit as much as the rent, which was high enough, for someone with my credit. Bye Felisha…

Another one wanted three times the rent, which I had though it was high, but wouldn’t take my credit score. In all my years of renting, I’ve never even heard of the credit score being used. One would think that just your ability and history to pay rent and possibly proof of income is all that would matter but apparently these landlords are getting quite big for their britches for what they give back. One could only hope the lost income due to Covid will be their karma but I’m not that kind of person to wish it out loud (or did I just by writing it?).

So I was resigned to staying in an undesirable neighborhood which doesn’t altogether bother me. It’s just that I’m 36 years old and I’m plain sick of living like a college student when I finally could afford better, and I was sick of living in infested apartments.

A one-bedroom that seemed promising, didn’t bother to clean out the dead cockroaches under their sink before the little Justin Bieber wannabe showed it, and then I got a look at who would be my closest neighbor, an old white guy with long white hair who was a ZZTop lookalike like the freakazoid I was breaking my lease over, and went “noooo,” and walked away.

I was pretty annoyed at that point, and started tossing over the idea of just staying in a hotel for the foreseeable future. Despite how risky that sounds, I was actually looking forward to the idea for the big reason that if I got a bad room, I wouldn’t be stuck with it for a year and I would actually be treated like a customer for the first time in my life, rather than what I’ve gone through at various apartments, where it seems once you sign a lease, all attempts to keep you happy go out the window just like your money.

I’ve still got my mind on potential owner-financing and/or rent-to-own options but I’m still trying to learn about them and am not comfortable moving forward with those just yet. Then I decided to try to get a hold of a real estate attorney in my area who might be willing to look over a rent-to-own contract for me so that I could be assured that I understand it, but nobody called me back.

So I finally contact the owner of my building, who occasionally sent me emails, and asked if I could renege breaking my lease and just explained that though I would love never to see the problem tenant again, and didn’t name him (I didn’t know his name anyway), I would rather just go the rest of my lease. He didn’t respond, but later in the week, the manager, whom nobody liked, came out and ensured that I wanted to stay and said I could. She said she was shocked, that I was a good tenant and never gave her any trouble (hint; I don’t complain about bugs or anything else because everybody else does and always has to no avail).

Before that, my therapist and I had tried to mull over my options, either to rent a room from someone (which I did look into to no avail), and living as a live-in caretaker for somebody. These are certainly good ideas, except for one problem. I continually have trouble with other people, which I hadn’t really explained but she could’ve gleaned from that whole thing.

And of course I didn’t really want to dwell on what happened because it happened and there was no going back, and also I really was embarrassed that I was still new as her client and this had happened. I must’ve just looked insane! I remembered how my mother had always treated me, how she blamed me and shamed me for the things that went wrong in my life, most often caused by other people just like these incidents, but what could I do? Otherwise there’s nobody in my life to see the chaos it has become. But I told my therapist when I was staying, and it all seemed to blow over.

But the man was always outside, everywhere and he’d apparently been opening his mouth to everybody who would listen, including the lesbian couple who had taken to ignoring me, and all I could do was snicker at that. Then one night one of their dogs, who is known for being aggressive, nearly attacked me when they were coming in the door at the same time I happened to be coming out of the elevator and the new desk guy scolded me as I stood there in shock.

I told him, why can’t people control their fucking dogs? The funny (or not?) thing is that the femme girlfriend is always down there flirting with this guy. So that night I wanted to just scream at him “she’s never gonna fuck you, no matter how much she flirts with you. Get over yourself and get over your apparent guilt that makes you fawn around her girlfriend!”

My therapist had asked me, did I see anything wrong about the older man problem neighbor when I first met him? I remember one thing that was off-putting aside from that he’d constantly talk trash about other tenants. That apparently J, who turned out to actually be his friend, had approached him and told him that he was “too standoffish” to which the man said he’d replied “I don’t know you”, and he told me and the lesbian couple he was talking to, that he knew we were cool, “the kind of people he’d invite in for a beer” and the friendly girlfriend had said “no doubt”, but I remember being put off because he and I had only had one other conversation at that point. But I forgot about it.

Another time we were out there, and one of J’s supplies had come out to talk to him, giving me dirty looks and he was perfectly friendly to her. When she left, he complained that her shorts were so short he could “see everything”. It wasn’t like she had her legs on the table! That should’ve been my first clue that he was gay, but I wouldn’t have given a crap. I guess I just wonder if he was yet another of J’s supplies.

Anyway, another thing that happened was a rather meek banker guy who lives directly above me, had joined us at the table one night, and the man had started into him about something, accusing him of being racist after he’d said something along the lines of “being aware” that he was the only white guy on a bus that day or something. Not entirely a racist comment, just an observation most people would likely have.

The man had accused him of being racist and they were arguing back and forth and I almost jumped in a couple of times, but didn’t. It’s tough with guys too because they tend to laugh things off so that nobody can tell that somebody’s pushing their “manhood” or whatever. The meek guy and I met when he finally came down after over a year of living here, when I’d mentioned in passing, before I’d gotten bed bugs again, that he seemed to always be vacuuming. It wasn’t a big deal, I just thought about leaving a note under his door about taping down his baseboards (which worked for me for quite some time but apparently isn’t anymore).

So when he’d come down, he’d apologized about the vacuuming and said the other man had said that I was complaining about it. I said no, that wasn’t it, I just know there’s a problem in the building and want to share what helped me, which he seemed to buy. But considering the many true colors I’ve now seen of this man, I can just imagine how that conversation went!

The meek guy came back down again after the incident to ask for my side of the story when I was coming back from a walk one day. I told him. He’d said that the man had said I threw the bottle at him and he was going to call the cops. I asked, why didn’t he? He didn’t know, but he assured me he knew there was more to the story.

The subject of that night when he’d accused meek guy of being racist came up again and I told him, I wanted to say something that night he was laying into you but I didn’t know if it was my place or whatnot. He complained that this man was always accusing him of being racist.

Since this had happened, I’d heard the problem man make disparaging comments about Columbus Day protesters, right in front of me and I remember being annoyed but saying nothing, so I told meek guy about that. I told him, I would’ve said something then but I’m just not here to fight with people. I go out there to forget my shitty life, and he agreed. So I just told him, next time he accuses you of being racist, ask him about that.

Now I gotta be honest, I wasn’t thrilled about staying in this place after already giving my notice, but I clearly wasn’t ready to move, didn’t want to break my lease, and still feel that I shouldn’t have to worry about sitting outside worrying about who is going to harass me next. And this has been constant ever since the J situation started.

First it was J and the former one manager. Then it was J and her new supply. Then J and her other new supply. Then J and her other new supply. Then J and G. Then J and the other woman who had started sexually harassing me, C. One memorable night earlier in the spring was when J and C were down in the lobby with a bunch of other people, and C had told me as I was coming in from work that she was going to “tear my pussy up” really loudly. I was shocked and terrified, as an assault victim, didn’t find that funny whatsoever, but I know I was fawning as I said I don’t want to hear that.

When I got home that night, I realized I had forgotten to go to the store for a couple of things so I was irritated at that and hoped I could just hurry back out the door and that maybe they’d be gone when I got back. C told me to “shake that ass,” when I walked out, and J started laughing that I was running. Again, I was fawning/dissociating and actually I think regressed in age as I turned around and finally was like “I thought you were obsessed with black dicks! Last time I checked I didn’t have one!” as everybody laughed and J said I was “awesome!” Roll…When I came back, C was again trying to get my attention and J was actually staring me dead in the eyes as I backed into the elevator and said “bye” with slight annoyance.

Obviously I don’t need to reiterate that these things were confusing with J, back when I was still interested in her and she’d do crap like this and then when she had a chance to focus on me who she was sooo interested in, like a normal person would, and she’d instead flirt with/comment on someone else, it was confusing to me.

But it wasn’t anymore and hadn’t been in quite some time. I knew without a doubt by that point for quite some time that I didn’t want J in my inner circle, and she was merely only using whatever power she thought she had to fuck with my various emotions surrounding her every time I started getting stronger.

So I recognized this happening with C right away. How this girl mildly flirted with me, while sitting close to desk-guy T, and then going on and on about how she loves black guys, black dicks, hates white guys, etc. Oh but she has brothers who would come shoot black desk guy T when he started being short with her when she and the one woman nearly assaulted him one night. Convenient, right?

And just like J, there was no way to avoid C, who’d conveniently end up on elevators alone with me, where she’d look me over very obviously and go on about how I’m “sooo dark!” in a creepy, objectifying way. And then seeing her and J together watching me from the lobby or front or as I came in at night. Afraid they would find a way to attack me, but hoping that J was just hoping C wouldn’t get too fresh with me (either because of morality or her own loss of supply) and that was all that was going on, nothing worse than that. How people would talk about J endlessly and I had in inkling that it was only with me. Including C, who was giving someone J’s room number right as I went downstairs to check my mail one night, and everybody else kept talking about her either to me or around me.

Then another man who would sit out front, who told me he had pictures of me. To which I said, that’s creepy. So these things would go on and on. So when I first met this older man who seemed even-keeled despite the trash he’d talk about our neighbors, I was happy not to have one who was harassing me.

Then one night shortly before the table incident happened, I was going out to work one night and he was outside smoking with J, and J said “hey, little girl,” as I walked out. All I could think was, I’m older than you, with annoyance but yeah. Just mind-boggling. So after the table incident, I felt really unsafe in this building. I’d long been sleep-deprived at that point partially because of bed bugs and partially because my cat wakes me up at the butt-crack of dawn and sometimes throughout the night due to her health issues. So I know I was already short-tempered and had been for weeks and there appeared to be no way of slowing that.

I eventually apologized to G for him witnessing it but not without silently thinking, and they say this building is getting better? When this building was 90 percent black, I had no problems with anybody. I’m so sick of the insinuation that black ghetto people are the only problem not just in this building and neighborhood but the entire city.

The minute they start letting all these white people move in here, suddenly I’ve been stalked, harassed, sexually harassed, mobbed, racially abused, the list goes on and on. After all the time I’ve spent becoming hip to just how much I was gaslighted about my race and ethnicity by my family and mistreated so much by them and by society in general.

In the wake of the George Floyd killing, C did seem to start supporting these issues, which kind of made up for the past in my mind, but I remained guarded around her. And don’t get me started about the one man. It’s very likely that he could’ve had me arrested just because he wanted to assert his white-male dominance over me and it was very triggering with everything else that’s been going on.

That doesn’t excuse my behavior. I’ve told people that I was ashamed of how I reacted but he could’ve apologized too which he didn’t so you know. I was terrified of leaving my apartment but I was curious what J would think when she heard I snapped. Eventually I realized J hadn’t been around but was afraid to ask if she’d moved. That was always a silent hope that never turned out to be true in silent periods in the past with her, but she always turned back up usually like clockwork when she’d leave my mind.

Eventually meek guy joined me out at the table and told me she’d moved without my asking him, and apparently left a huge mess for the staff to clean up including explicitly a blue dildo. As usual, I had no idea why these details were necessary but one can see what I’d think possible. That she wants these details shared.

Nevertheless I didn’t feel she was done messing with me. Like before, I could still feel the unexplainable phenomenon, even one night I was almost asleep and she came in my dream/head/whatever vivid as if she were standing in the lobby wearing only a t-shirt and told me she was “so happy” while biting her bottom lip smiling and fiddling with the front of her shirt like she wanted to flash me or something.

When her supply she got to publicly diss me at the table that time, would leave, I’d find myself wondering if she was going to visit her and hating myself for it. A headband in that woman’s car looks a lot like one J used to wear. I don’t know if I was more upset by the idea that they were still hanging out, or that she could still come back to this building at any time and bulldoze my emotional progress. I’d say both. But I just tried not to think about it and have kept to myself a lot more since J left.

A week ago, I had a visitation dream from a deceased former classmate. I mentioned this guy in another post, but to reiterate, he first visited me in a dream right before I got really sick last Christmas. This is the same guy. In the first dream before Christmas, though it seemed real and like a real communication from him, I wasn’t sure if I should classify it as such since it appeared that there was a screen of some sort in front of him and/or that he was on some kind of TV. But the dream was very inspirational and made me feel good for a little while; until I got sick and by the time I was done battling that and J and her supplies were back in my face, all of that unfortunately became a distant memory, though the guy remained passively on my mind. I also realized that the year he died, the same year I started journaling, I felt really explicitly the need to journal my ninth grade year, when I met him, but I didn’t think of him that I can recall, nor did I mention him in that post.

Like I said in the other post I made about this guy, I don’t remember but one interaction with this guy, N, when we were freshman and only two other times I remember even noticing him despite I think riding the same morning bus all year. It was a negative interaction on my part. I’d started ninth grade two weeks late, so on my first day, I was already on edge because I was sure I would be getting unwanted negative attention being new after everybody else had gotten a chance to settle in.

At that time, by my count, I’d been a new kid like seven times in three years and I was just plain over it. I was actually hoping I’d have the year off and not have to go back to school. I was also mildly afraid of whom I might run into from my former rough middle school that I’d gone to for sixth grade and six months in eighth grade when we’d first moved back before Mom bought the house where she still lives.

(Few of my former sixth grade friend group made it to high school and I think only two made it to graduation. The good news? Most did eventually graduate high school from a nearby charter school which I was relieved to eventually hear). But before I knew that I was on edge about that, though I’d only ever had problems with one of their friends who’d never liked me but managed not to turn the rest into jumping me or whatever like they were all known to do.

Back to the subject, also, my dad was in jail at the time, wasn’t allowed to see anybody, which I’d had the extremely disappointing experience to discover the night before, when his girlfriend had driven me out to see him and we were sent away (he’d been arrested near my home, and his girlfriend’s daughter, who didn’ t know her own dad, had laughed that “he was coming to get you, JT!” Anyway he’d been driving an apparently stolen car.

Before that, my stepdad and stepdad’s second wife had run into him somewhere and managed to get him to agree to help them take my brother and I away from our mom, because she “couldn’t stay put”. After showing up at my grandfather’s house spouting the same crap and he’d kicked them off his property.

For the previous two years, yes that would’ve appeared to have been the case, but she’d just bought a home in a middle-class neighborhood and planned to stay there so perfect timing on lovely stepdad’s part after telling me two years before that I have to “listen to my mother” when I told him I didn’t want to move to Idaho. So yeah.

When my dad got arrested, I realized that was my chance to confront him about that where he couldn’t hang up or run away and I was so pumped to do that, and so pissed off when I didn’t get to (but maybe it was for the best? IDK…) So there was a lot going on in my life then and I was just pissed at the world.

So N had made a face at me at the bus stop, I guess attempting to make me laugh, but I just couldn’t laugh. I think I was suspicious that he was making fun of me too. I just kind of looked at him and looked away and immediately felt bad but my, I really couldn’t laugh about anything.
N had kind of made a contemptuous sound, a little bit of a scene and then turned away as I sat there aware that I’d hurt his feelings and there was no going back from that. I didn’t think about it too much though.

I vaguely remember him giving me a nasty look another day, and probably just decided to stop even looking anywhere he might be. Another time I remember noticing him was when I hastily went to sit in one seat in front of him but his bag was there, and I went and sat somewhere else.
Some months later, I saw him at school walk past me and kiss a girl in front of me before they separated. And since I always had a crush on a different guy on our bus plus my high school LE for a fellow nerd was also in full effect, I just never thought about him or whatever I guess.
So even though I was shocked when I first read that he’d passed away on New Years Day a little over two years ago (around the time my cat passed away), that he didn’t appear to have health problems and wasn’t military, I didn’t think about a lot it since people on the page asked what had happened with no response. I must’ve prayed for him and not remembered, though I think I would remember, but wouldn’t know why I wouldn’t have prayed for him, I just can’t remember doing it. So I was a little surprised when he showed up in my dream out of the blue last winter. But it made me feel better. It was very warm and encouraging, etc.

But he’s been on my mind a bit over the months since that happened aside from the J crap and other neighbor crap. Then I had another dream about him, this time where I knew I was asleep but I was I guess lucid dreaming, but still laying down and could see him in the corner of my room, looking like he did in high school, the same as the other dream, but the room was dark and he had sort of a dim light around him. He’d suggested I should get in touch with one friend of his who sounded familiar but I didn’t know (it’s the person in his twitter picture with him).

Then that was over and I was off to regular random dreaming. But I was forever changed after that dream. I felt so comforted and protected. In two visitation dreams, whether they’re really real or not, they’ve still managed to show me for the first time, what it looks like when somebody cares about you.

They show up for you, encourage you, try to cheer you up, not drag you down, leave you hanging and make you feel insecure. I didn’t think about it when I woke up, but the first time J came to my mind, I realized I didn’t feel the same way anymore about her or the situation, which unfortunately was still on my mind at times before this dream.

J still comes to mind frequently, as does my other neighbor issues (C moved too and I’m hoping this other man does or that I do). But there’s no longer any emotion behind it. I have mild disdain when I think about J, and nothing else. How much she, C, and other people trigger me is a complete distant memory after this dream. Also mostly gone is my fear of men, which was more unexpected.

I know I need a healthy fear of people, particularly in this building, but finally I’m getting the strength and motivation to get out there and do things I’ve been wanting to do since I got here. I don’t know how that is medically or even spiritually possible but I know it’s true (and I’m not kidding myself. If J wanted to come back and bulldoze my progress, she probably could. I just doubt it’s going to happen). I really feel that’s over.

Who knew that some guy I barely knew (or possibly him as a metaphor but I doubt it) could be so healing? I had no idea who N’s friends were until this week when I started researching him a bit and found out who at least two of his friends were in school (they remained friends). He was friends with the more popular crowd but upon scouring my yearbooks I haven’t looked at in 20-odd years it didn’t appear he was in any sports but yeah.

The guy he visited me about, apparently doesn’t have FB, and if he’s on Twitter it’s not his real name I guess. N had only two followers on Twitter, and everybody he followed wasn’t familiar to me. He had a possible facebook, but since there are no pictures on it and I didn’t recognize anybody from his friend list, I couldn’t be sure that was his. He was apparently half Hispanic, though blond so one couldn’t exactly tell. His paternal family was from the south. He, like I, has had a lot of loss in his family. His dad passed away a little over a year after he did, and his maternal grandmother passed away recently. All of this info came up in search results.

I’m kind of going on here, but I’m just so shocked. I’m truly touched that he came to me in my dreams. We barely knew each other in school but I wish I’d known him now. We were in different crowds. I was friends with the nerds for a little while, my high school LO was one of the nerds, and then I was with the punk kids for the remainder of school after my ninth grade best friend turned everybody against me.

(I talked briefly about my quick foray into the land of popular kids when I first started ninth grade, when I had befriended an older girl who was really into school spirit, but my grandparents and controlling best friend freaked out about it and things kind of fell apart so yeah.)
The movie Bomb City, which I’ve already posted about on the forum, is a good movie to watch if one wants to get an idea of the conflicts between jocks and punks, but I don’t remember it being that bad at my school though I heard stories. Two punk guys in our group were actually friends with a few popular kids and also two cheerleaders who would eat with us, which pissed my BPD-friend D off.

I remember walking through the halls of the school. All the crap going on that affected us in school. The firecracker incident. Bomb threats. Classes. Field trips. Almost not getting my graduation gown because of one stupid annoying bitch who didn’t believe I was a senior even with my ID.
The senior class party which I spent sitting next to high school LO, which was soon intruded upon by my childhood best friend’s brother and his friend whom I once had a crush on(but hey they broke the ice on my part…) Graduation. Never once seeing or remembering or thinking about this other guy N. It’s just the craziest thing.

I didn’t go to the ten-year reunion and had no plans to go to any. I wasn’t entirely sure anybody would remember me, as I’m sure they didn’t remember me then. His friend looked familiar but I scoured the yearbooks and couldn’t seem to see him, so unless N wants to give me more information I might have to go to the 20-year reunion to see if I might see him or other people possibly willing to talk about him a bit.

Wondering what might come of it (I’m smarter than to go blabbing about the visitation dream and such obviously.) Wondering if people know about me in reference to him or not? If I’m the only one he can communicate with (which I doubt).
A little scared of the possibility that I could have been his high school LO and how bad that would make me feel (but again I doubt it). And just start really living until then. I don’t know why him and why me, why this and why it worked, but I’m very grateful to him.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
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Re: The "J" Merry-Go-Round

Post by JupiterTaco »

09/2020 TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE

Even though I’m pretty sure I no longer have any emotion surrounding all of these happenings with J, I guess my brain is still trying to make sense of it. I had a dream last night that I was with my family and the family of my childhood best friend. I wouldn’t describe any of these people as proper, but you know, they were southernish and all. So they’d have had some sort of standard of behavior or a face they show to the world, even though my friend’s nuclear family, which I’ve talked about ad nauseum, was obviously quite dysfunctional.

Why my own family would’ve been in the dream, I have no idea. Actually why I dreamed about these people I don’t know anyway but moving on…My friend’s mom and my mom are now friends on Facebook, but for years they had pretty much nothing in common. Her mom was married and mine wasn’t. They were a little older and mine wasn’t. My mom was always a partier and likely her parents were always alcoholics, but for years I saw no sign of that.

In the dream, I had been telling my brother about my former neighbor J, and he was the way he might’ve always been, like I really gotta hear this again? But listening you know. (Which he doesn’t even know about this situation or anything else going on my life).

So one of childhood friend T’s aunts had overheard us in the dream and asked “what?” in a joking way. And I had said “oh I was just talking about the colorful people I can attract into my life”. And she was like “Oh yeah? Like who?”

I have plenty I could’ve talked about, but for some reason, J came to my mind, and I mentioned her, and her being trans. I said “do you really wanna hear this?” And she said “Well you already started telling me about it, give me a minute”. And I said ok as she went off to the bathroom or whatever.

I started trying to think about how I was going to explain it, wishing I hadn’t brought it up, building a script in my head, as I couldn’t help the mouth-diarrhea-ish muttering from my mouth about details I couldn’t keep to myself as for some reason my brother and I were playing with squirt guns but squirting things instead of each other. It was just so bizarre.

I thought about how I was going to explain that right off the bat when J came onto me after she was already dating the apartment manager, how I could tell already it would not be a healthy relationship. What both of our families would’ve done good to learn about limerence, you know.
I don’t think she ever came back, and I was just telling my brother about the situation and then my dream ended. Now at first, I was annoyed, like why am I still dreaming about this? A visitation dream healed it, so why?

I realized it was my mind still trying to make sense of all that had happened. Trying to make sense of something that can’t be made sense of. Because narcissistic people don’t make sense. That is why they are the way they are and why I can’t understand it, even with the FLEAS I have.
I think one thing that I always wanted an explanation for, which J gave a sorry explanation for, which I already talked about, was how if she initially invited me to her party because she was so interested in me, why would she end up dating the manager?

FYI, someone did explain around me without my asking, exactly how that happened, after the healing visitation dream. Apparently at the party (nothing was told before this), but the manager had just told J, that he was going to “destroy her”, and they started kissing. When desk guy T said that, I laughed. I felt nothing. Something like that might’ve made me sick months before. But I had an insight. Here I’ve been complaining about a trauma bond, that I was stuck in a trauma bond. Maybe that’s what happened to her too.

Maybe she really didn’t like this manager, didn’t want to be with him but was curious, and maybe she developed a trauma bond to him and her attempts to get out of it or quickly replace him, maybe explains her lovebombing me. Or maybe to someone long before all of this so it left her needing someone to replace that spot and that explains her pattern, though I doubt it. Healthy people don’t attach themselves to someone they’re not interested in to avoid being alone. They don’t lead people they’re not interested in, to think they are. They don’t want people to fight and compete for them. That also explains why I fell for it.

But since this dream had my childhood best friend and her brother in my mind, I decided to look them up and found out her brother has been battling brain cancer for the last few months. I’m so shocked. We’re the same age, he’s way too young for that. How did this happen???
So I had an insight that since their dad and grandmother whom I knew, are both deceased, it’s possible that this dream was a prelude to a visitation from one or both of them (my cat woke me up), but I don’t know for sure, and I haven’t had another dream of them, either normal or otherwise so who knows.

I just wish I’d known that months before. I could’ve sent her brother a message maybe suggesting considering getting treatment in another country for less money if someone helping him would be willing to do the research and planning, when he was still fairly well. But since he’s had chemo and is probably really sick, and the pandemic crap going on, it might be too late even if I told them now. But I may send him a message of condolences from my old Facebook account, IDK yet. But apparently that’s me, always too late…
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
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Re: The "J" Merry-Go-Round

Post by JupiterTaco »

I'm reposting all of this for anybody's curiosity for now. Also when I think about my recent experience versus this one, I still remember the intensity of this one versus my most recent one. So strange!
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
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