relapsed today

[Maddie]

after 9 months of NC I was hit by a trigger that compelled me to reach out to him. He came to my work to do some work outside and he just so happened to be there when I got off (and no one else was around, of course)...was this a planned event? Probably not, idk.

being close to him and with the fond words we exchanged, I just melted. He sort of asked why I ghosted him. He said "you just disappeared." i went back the old refrain ("I just felt too much for you/I have issues"). The truth is we go in circles. He knows exactly why I had to leave. Guess I'm not a stable friend to him. Wish I could be. Wish we could be "soulmates." That term used to make me roll my eyes if someone referred to it, but who wouldn't want a soulmate?

Anyway, when I am with him, I say whatever comes into my mind. No filter, relaxed. He's like an old friend-- that no one knows about.

I know, it's all not real. but it sure feels that way and it felt liked it helped me out today. I just hope I can keep my distance and not go full force down the rabbit hole like I did before.

* Cue the love songs and fantasies

the whole time in NC I was constantly imagining what I would say to him and that actually happened today. it feels good but is probably still risky. doubtful we (I) can keep it PG and "normal." Current goal is to keep it normal and non-obsessive.

[peter.rabbit]

@Maddie,

I hope that you don't go full force down the rabbit hole , as I surely do know what that's like(hence my peter.rabbit forum name). My LE is similar to yours, in that she and I seem like "old friends". Like you, I feel guilt that I don't feel the 'sparkle' for my SO like I do for my LO. However, there are reasons....
The validity of "reality" is widely disputed. It's been said [a lot lately] that each of our(humans) self image differs with others that knows us. I wonder who's to say which reality is real.

Just me: My LO and I do share something real....however ill advised(and unlikely) becoming more developed would be.

[Maddie]

I'm with you, Peter. It's REAL.


But like you were saying, just bc it's real doesn't mean that we go down the rabbit hole...

(Plz dont copy, I may delete)

[Maddie]

The only way this relationship is going to work is if I have

NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this may be challenging, but.... I'll give it the ole college try

[Maddie]

Just me: My LO and I do share something real....however ill advised(and unlikely) becoming more developed would be.

I'm sure as hell not advocating for disclosure, but my curiosity is getting the best of me...does she know how you feel? has D-day occurred? the day that seems so necessary, but that blows everything to literal hell? how do you maintain a friendship?

[Acrobatica]

Maddie:

I'm sorry this feels like a relapse, but its nice to have positive interaction with anyone.

I am struck by you saying that you need to have no expectations. I agree in a general way. We should probably have no expectations of any person and let them be fully who they are and appreciate what they have to offer. And we should definitely have no expectations for someone to act as our savior or parent.

But in the same way, I realize this is one of my self-defeating scripts. I don't need anyone. I can be fine alone. I will be grateful for every drop of compassion and friendship I get and ignore and forgive anything that feels bad. These are self-defense mechanisms that worked for a long time to keep me in poor relationships. And I definitely still revert to this script in times of stress. But I am realizing I do need to have expectations of others for basic kindness, responsiveness, respect, and communication. And if they can't do that, for whatever reason, I always have the choice to leave that relationship.

Expectations are ok.

[Maddie]

Wow, Acro. Thanks. I never saw it that way. Expectations are healthy. Luckily, I don't have to plunge back into where we left off. I was thinking this morning (after the dopamine had subsided over the night) about the reasons I went NC...and one of them was a lack of responsiveness (to what I needed and wanted), and I couldn't handle the idea that there were other women (I guess). There are probably many more reasons.

Also, when I had expectations, it seemed like it all hurt like hell a lot of the time...but that should have given me information that it just wasn't working, but I kept coming back for the positive interactions.

I deeply appreciate what you posted. It's helpful

[Thought Loop]

This is really good stuff.

Maybe it is boundaries and expectations together?

I am in touch with an LO again. It is asymmetrical and recent social media connection is highlighting that. To be friends, I need a certain level of (as you say) kindness, responsiveness, respect, communication.

If someone does not fit within those boundaries, within that gamut, it is not healthy for me to be friends with them.

I have no expectation that she will fit within those boundaries, but I need those boundaries to protect myself from unhealthy relationships that wind up making me feel disregarded, devalued, unimportant and insignificant.

It can feel good to give without expecting anything back. And I am happy to do so sometimes, on my terms (ie. I do not then become obligated to her, and she should not have an expectation of continued support while giving nothing back).

[Maddie]

l disregarded, devalued, unimportant and insignificant.

does she make you feel that way?

[Maddie]

gotta dedicate this someone , so here y'all go

this speaks to what I am feeling, every word, Phil, every word.....

what is wrong with me? I feel damaged to my core. will I get better? or I'm at irreparable? sorry to be such a sad sack today. yesterday, while pleasant, obviously triggers crying today as he's not texting (nor should he be! and I don't even think it would be good if he did, what we did before is not too much worth repeating I don't think). I guess I'll try not to text but just see him when he comes to my work - that I can't resist. AND...that would be an improvement!

am I sadder with him, or without him? I think yesterday was just a reminder that all we have is "moments" and that's all we'll have together. "sessions." not a life. but is life nothing but a set of moments anyway?