The outcome of that episode was that my wife and I separated and I moved across the country back to the Toronto area where I grew up. I believe still that that relationship needed to end irrespective of anything else...she lied and manipulated me constantly due to her love of the bottle, AND there was never that real passion and chemistry which through my previous LE I came to realize I need in a relationship (as well as friendship and mutual care). But I digress.
So...I moved back to Toronto in July 2018 and still struggled with feelings/fantasies concerning the LO for a while yet. I was actively chatting up girls in my immediate environment (work; I know don’t defecate where you masticate right). I was lonely for sure and even though I have more family and childhood friends closer to me here, I clearly was a little too motivated to find that special connection I’ve been hoping for.
Anyhow, come November there was a new hire, another woman who was also of the same ethnic persuasion as the previous (and at that time somewhat current, though NC did help in that case to lower the volume a lot) LO. The thing this time is I wasn’t encumbered by an existing relationship. I also kinda fought the feelings I started having for her, told myself I wasn’t ready to pursue her etc. Still we developed what felt like a decent friendship sort of platform...she would Skype me every morning (I would limit my initiation of things), invite me for lunches together and all that kinda jazz. We found we had lots in common in terms of our faith, being analytical types (she also had engineering background from her home country), enjoyment of sports, similar tastes in music, etc. Our conversations were and continued to be very stimulating and enjoyable...with this sort of pre-relationship phase culminating in her giving me, unbidden, a big warm full body press hug on Christmas Eve. (There had been a decent amount of flirty touchy touchy stuff before.)
Long and short of it is I started offering to drive her partway home (she lived about a 90 minute bus trip from our mutual workplace), and told her explicitly that I liked her and like, let’s hang out. She told me she cared for me and liked me too, but was kinda waffle-y about going out for coffee (“oh I’m pretty busy but here’s my phone number). I interpreted her ambivalence correctly figuring that she liked me, but was scared and hesitant (due to her past). So I, though somewhat anxious to get things really going, did the right thing and gave her space and didn’t press the issue, overthink, or get butthurt.
Sure enough, a couple of weeks rolled by and she ended up asking me out for coffee. We had a wonderful time together even though I took her to a crappy seafood restaurant (hey, I was new to Toronto then). Things escalated quickly from there...we became very physically involved, she started wanting me to text her when I got home after dropping her off from a date so she would know I got home safely (which I liked bc to me that indicated that she felt a fairly reciprocal level of emotional investment as me.
Things were really - I mean, really really - good for the next month or so after we started seeing each other in this way. In fact, I would say it was everything I was looking for as far as a strong friendship connection AND really passionate, in her words “soulful” romantic chemistry. We talked about our dreams of traveling together, we both wanted to put God first in our lives (easier said than done), enjoyed playing basketball and badminton together, lots of things like that.
However, somehow she still was reluctant to call herself my girlfriend, although we had talked about and agreed to exclusivity. She explained that in her mind (and iirc, in Filipino culture), such a term is tantamount to being engaged...so I was like ok. By this point I was very ready to marry her but I know I get easily attached so no big biggie, let’s have some patience.
Despite the fact we were/are both Christian, she was of a more modern “evangelical” persuasion and I was and am Orthodox old school. But we agreed on a lot, would pray together, etc. I attended her church and small group a few times, invited her to come to mine but she hemmed and hawed at that. I knew she had had some bad experience with Roman Catholicism which I figure made her a bit reluctant to explore Orthodox Christianity. Also she has a teenage son whom the father abandoned when she was giving birth so...yeah she is damaged too.
The point is that these things, coupled with her come hither / go away behaviour led me to get increasingly anxious about where things were going, even though she would start talking more and more about being “Facebook official”. The tipping point came when we had spent Friday night and most of Saturday together, with the passion and companionship at an all time high. I phoned her mid afternoon on the Sunday feeling all lovey dovey...she didn’t answer and didn’t respond at all that night.
Being as I struggle with anxious attachment patterns, this set me into a real state of turmoil...I ended up not sleeping and missing work the next day. We ended up having a big (our first real) fight which I confess I picked due to my anxiety. She hung up on me, but texted me good night later on.
At that point I decided I needed to do something to deal with the now-intense anxiety I was feeling. I told her I needed some time and space (although it was the opposite of what I really wanted), suggested we refrain from kissing etc. in order to kind of check our heads a little. Maybe that was the mistake, because from there on the reduced time together and expressions of affection increased my sense of loss/insecurity, and a vicious cycle of me chasing and her distancing herself began. Still we hung out and talked about our future, things like that. I found the Harville Hendrix book “Keeping the Love You Find” which formed a key interpretive framework in my mind for what was going on between her and I (I’m anxious-maximizing, she fearful-minimizing) and I loved his whole view of “imago” partners and the strong chemistry and challenge which results when two such find each other. I asked her to consider reading it, which at first she said yes to them almost immediate said no. I felt so committed to try and make things work, it upset me that she was or had become so ambivalent again.
My emotional state became worse and worse until finally I interrupted her on a phone call basically demanding please let me drive you home so we could talk. She agreed, but obviously was upset (and rightly so). By this point I was obsessed with making things work and just couldn’t seem to control myself (despite understanding I needed to NOT chase but give her space). Another wonky text or two, some more missed work (which resulted in HR asking me questions and stupid me, I was too honest and told them why - and who, after some goading - I was such a wreck. They ended up calling her in and she made it sound to them like we only went out a couple of times! This shocked and upset me, so I reacted defensively like “uh, we were physically involved for 2 months you know” - (sigh, my foolish pride) and things escalated from there. HR ended up telling me “she says it’s over” even though they admitted to me they didn’t understand why she wouldn’t tell me herself.
Finally, in early June of last year she blocked me on the company Skype (cruelly ironic since that was a key medium of our early getting acquainted). (Don’t think she blocked me on her phone though; I didn’t try.) Regardless, that was the proverbial straw which broke the camel’s back, set me off the deep end, and I suffered a total mental and emotional breakdown. I felt like I was in total hell, I thought I had lost my faith in God, I isolated myself in my apartment pacing around for hours and hours on end barely eating for months and months. Though on short term disability for depression, I refused to communicate with my work other than through my father and ended up forfeiting/abandoning my position. I lost my apartment and my car, and though now I have recovered my sense of sanity (mostly) I’m still trying to rebuild my life during this very difficult time of COVID.
I didn’t honestly think about her that much from last July through May or so of this year...I was caught in a weird spiritual turmoil and the thing with her felt like it was a level up / beyond what I was capable of dealing with. So as my general state of being has improved over the last few months, the thought of reconnecting with her became more palpable. She had told me she wanted things really badly with me (the same night she did the yes and no thing with the book), I remember all that we shared, I know things got fairly outta hand but I had hoped maybe a year apart might change things, she might be willing to talk again and from there who knows, right?
I went to her place therefore about a month ago, but when I was parked outside on the street I kinda panicked thinking I don’t want to overwhelm her so maybe just phone her. I did, she didn’t answer (she also isn’t as tied to her phone as most women I know) so I left a somewhat nervous message saying “hey it’s me was just in the neighborhood and wondering if we could talk, don’t like how we left things”. Waited a week, she didn’t call back. I did some more (over-?)thinking and finally realized I should apologize for how I treated her with (albeit unintentionally) getting work involved bc I know it wasn’t necessary (I should have only talked to friends and family for support). Left another message with her, which I had to re-record about 4 times before I was happy with it. Another week passes, no response. Figure at this point I should probably just accept total defeat and failure, so I send her this text:
“ I know it probably sounds like I’m sucking up to you again, I just want to clarify the sense in which I’m very sorry for how I behaved last April/May/June especially. Sorry not just because I turned you off and lost you for good, but sorry moreso for the pain and stress I caused you with my controlling anxiety-driven behaviour. I suppose it wasn’t until very recently that someone really got me to think what it must’ve been like to be on the receiving end of that.
You meant a lot to me, [her name]...of all the women I’ve met or had a relationship with you were the one I most liked and enjoyed being with. You had and likely still have a lovely combination of sweetness and spiciness which I’m happy to have experienced. I’m not saying you were perfect or that you didn’t hurt me at all; whatever is to be forgiven I forgive and now I will choose to forget you and move on, something which is long overdue on my part.
Please know I will not take any further initiative to contact you. I wish and pray the best for you and [her son], and if nothing else, I will hope one day to see you in heaven when and where all is made new and right.
Take care and God bless.”
That was a week ago Saturday and no word from her. I meant what I wrote I’m just having a horrible time again accepting that things didn’t work out and that there’s no way back. Of course part of me hoped and hopes that maybe she’ll have a change of heart, I think sometimes that I didn’t express all I would have liked to (ie I feel an unconditional love and acceptance for her despite her faults and clear issues), that it was fear and pride which killed what seemed so promising and what felt so real). I still hunger for that connection but I don’t think there’s much else I can or maybe should do. I’m not so consumed by it but it does take up a disproportionate amount of airtime in my thoughts.
Finally (thank you for your patience in reading my whole sordid tale), I just have the most horrible time accepting this because it seems we were so close to the level of mutual commitment and public recognition I wanted and yet so far....it feels like I lost someone I cared very deeply for and still care about, like I lost a potential soul mate bc we were well on our way to that when things turned for the worse. I guess maybe in the final analysis I just didn’t mean as much to her as she did and does to me. But the worst part is it feels like it was my fault, if only I could have just eased up and given her room to breathe (which I knew was the right thing to do I just COULDNT) I wouldn’t have turned her off and pushed her so apparently irreparably far away. Yes, she triggered my insecurities very well and yet I navigated those with grace in the early days...she even later (when we stopped being physical) told me with tears how emotionally safe I had made her feel.
Idk it still, over a year on, feels so tragic. I want to tell her I love her and why, that I want to make her feel really loved and safe, will she just give things a chance but I’m afraid it won’t mean anything much to her at best (or scare her at worst). And yes, I did check her Facebook and if she’s seeing someone it at least isn’t “fb official” yet.
Any thoughts you might have are appreciated.
