Lim in the time of Covid

[Coconut]

Hello everyone

I am DYING here. I just found out what limerence is and I think I may have it. My gosh, it sucks doesn't it? Now I look back on my entire romantic history I can see it was there lurking all along. It's been such a relief to read other people's words. I'd like to share my story too, and try to seek some advice. I'll try to keep it as short as I can...

For the past 3 1/2 years on and off I've been limerent for a colleague who became a friend, and after that I'm ashamed to say, a romantic partner. The reason I am ashamed is because I'm 5 years married.

As soon as I met LO I felt like someone had switched the lights on, that the sun was shining onto me. I would try to take my lunch at the same time as him so we could chat and would walk a certain way to accidentally bump into him. If he sat next to me I felt like there was nowhere in the world I would swap to be. When he looked into my eyes I was suddenly seen. Some of my behaviour back then makes me cringe because it must've been so obvious that i was hooked, despite my efforts to try to be cool. I guess it paid off though because he liked me back and despite him having a long term gf, he and I became close. Way too close. We were pretty much having an emotional and occasionally physical affair which carried on around 6 months or so.

Then 3 years ago he very gently pulled the plug. The first of many plugs, I suppose. We agreed to be friends. Because I was married I thought I could handle it, that the rejection wasn't real, and anyway none of it was real so actually I was fine. But for two years it simmered away just beneath the surface. Sometimes it was too 'on' which was invariably followed by apologies for line-crossing, regrets, guilt and and promises to try to be better people. Sometimes it was off, which in retrospect was total bliss. Sometimes I forgot about him, usually when I was on a holiday or doing something all encompassing. I found extreme sports helped numb the pain of wanting. Also recreational drugs and alcohol certainly did the trick, especially if i took enough of both. I found I could turn my light on for myself and look forward to a future with my husband, all with LO in the background, like a harness i guess. I still felt that incredible zing when he emailed. My heart still flipped when we joked together. It doesn't do that for anyone else. It's such a beautiful pain. How did I manage to keep everything in its box for so long. What kind of hideous person can treat their partner with such contempt to cheat on them, especially emotionally. I don't even recognise myself anymore. I'm almost numb with the shame of it. Letting in the magnitude of what I've done makes me want to die. It stops me seeing a future and makes me sick at myself.

Anyway... This spring Covid sent us all home. We live near each other and spent the lockdown texting and emailing every day. He truly was my harness in that way, he stopped me from falling into the abyss. Eventually we would meet up a few times a week. The relationship became more physical as well and I completely lost control. I behaved in the most shameful ways. I took risks and put this obsession before anything and anyone and I think so did he, to the point that I wonder if i was his LO!

He is getting married soon and called things off properly last week. He says he still wants me, has feelings, thinks I'm incredible, and all kinds of other stuff to make me think i could still get that light turned back on. But also I'm trying to focus on the bit where he said he has to try to be a better person. God it's frustrating and painful as hell. I've barely been eating, exercising and my eyes are constantly red and wet from the secret crying. I know I don't deserve any sympathy because of my disgustingly selfish behaviour, but it's almost like a compulsion. I hate it. I would do anything he asked, just to feel that relief, like everything's in its place again. And yet I have these rare moments of clarity when I'm with my husband and family and I look at a picture or something and think, what the hell am I doing, feeling like this, over this guy.

I know everyone will say NC is the way to go and I did try but only lasted a few days. Honestly in that time I'd say I burned with a deeper intensity than ever before. I don't feel as though I have the power to stop myself, especially when it feels like it's all still just within my grasp. If i say the right thing, make him laugh again, show how well I cope, be the most beautiful, then he might beg me. And then what... do I dare break up with my SO? I never could. I could take that risk and more importantly I could never inflict that level of pain. So why am I caught in this loop of hell. I want to get off the ride. I wish I'd never got on and if there was a magic pill to erase him i would take it in an instant! Hell, I'd probably erase myself as well.

Can anyone try and talk some sense into me? I can't tell anyone about all this, and believe me, i am a teller of things. I'm also completely prepared for some harsh criticism for my nasty cheating behaviour.

For extra information I'm female, no children, in my mid 30s. LO is 5 years younger and my SO is 9 years older. If i was limerent over my SO i can't remember it. Looking back on our beginning it felt so smooth. No game playing, no exhausting analysis. But also, the highs weren't nearly as high.

Thanks to anyone who's reading. Even the act of writing this down has calmed me a little. I appreciate you taking the time and I hope if anyone else has similar issues you can draw some comfort in not being alone.

[IvB]

God, are you myself? Same age, almost 5 y happily married, 3 months (thanks god only months) in this hell. The idea that it can take this long makes me lose hope in my future. The pain is overwhelming. Thanks god he just got a new job elsewhere but then, there are still wars of communication and I am not strong enough to cut them off.

[IvB]

*ways

[Coconut]

Ahh so sorry to hear this. It's horrid isn't it. 3 months... that's when i first started to feel like i was caught in the web. I started to make notes in my phone of all the things I didn't like about him. It came from a place that wasn't authentic though, like i was forcing them out. Maybe give it a go, see if it helps them fade a tiny bit?

[IvB]

Won´t help for now, he seems to be a really good guy, a bit complicated but there is not much I could dislike...Or that´s the limerence talking :D
But everything you write is the same for me, regretting that I got this going on even though...the highs are very high...and I would also never leave my SO so this all is hopeless. I am still like - just this one last message, just to read one last time how much he likes me... and then I will really go NC!
I have no harsh criticism of your behaviour, this is just so much stronger than any principles, I never thought it was possible. Learned a lot about what attracts me in men though so if ever a guy starts talking to me again, I will know to nip it in the bud so I will never go through this again! (if ever I get rid of current obsession, that is)

[Peaceseeker123]

Hey, same here 5 years of this and still not cured. You can read my story by clicking on my profile. LO did not reciprocated though although I think he was limerent too. I had a second child during that time and couldn't truly enjoy the blessing of having a baby because of this obsession. I went NC now but still not cured.. I would advise for NC/ LC before your partner finds out as then may not be a way back.. Good luck I know how bad you're suffering.

[AnnieKaye9924]

I have a lot of the same feelings. This current episode for me has been about 7 years. In that time it has stolen so much from me in terms of peace and happy memories. I will also never leave my SO. Just want you to know you are not alone.

[mycorona]

@ Coconut
Stop being so hard on yourself. No one here who is Limerent is going to judge you. We've all been there. You have an obsession and there is no easy way out of it I'm afraid. Look around this site and you will find so many of the same stories. For what it's worth I personally think those who are limerent are kind, generous, empathetic, deep people. So you are a nice person. Accept that. And we could sure do with more of those, so stop beating yourself up.
You may be interested to read a thread I replied to. It was started by Mamasita, here it is:
Re: If I could say what I want to say...
Post by mycorona » Fri Oct 23, 2020 2:32 pm

[Maddie]

Coconut-
I just want to echo what the others have said...try your best to steer yourself away from the mean thoughts towards yourself. That's what I'm trying to do, but not very successful today. Feeling the shame of what I've done is not fun. However, it does help tremendously to know I'm not alone. I have been no contact now for about 2 or 3 months. I go to therapy. What also helped is just what you said-- keep at the forefront of your mind the negatives about him and about the situation in general. I have no freaking clue how this happened but a little while after I implemented NC (mind you, for like the 3rd time) I literally woke up one day and the obsession was gone. but.......it must not really be gone bc I am still on the forum a lot and I have now become obsessed with LE and not so much him.....I too have a history of using other things to help tame my limerence (substances) but now I'm having to deal with that. I am hoping and praying that I keep moving forward. I do not want this to affect my marriage anymore than it has to. this has been HELL. that is no lie!

[Coconut]

Wow everyone thank you so much for your kindness, I can't tell you how much it means to finally feel understood. I really appreciate your words and thoughts and I'm going to try to be less upset with myself.

It's early days but I'm feeling a bit less raw than I did when i wrote the originally post. It's been 11 days since I've seen LO and although we're not quite at the NC stage it's a WHOLE lot less contact than before. There were moments when I felt like 50 out of every 60 seconds were focussed on him, but it's much less now. The feelings of rejection and not knowing whether he's 'over me' make me feel panic a bit when I focus on them but I'm trying to keep it in perspective. We are still texting but it's more like once or twice a day instead of every hour. Now if I receive a text reply late at night I don't have quite the same need to read it immediately - i know that's a small thing but it's given me back the slightest feeling of control.

I'm so anxious that the next time I see him I'll be straight back in the deep end with this obsession but for now I am really really concentrating on the things I disliked to keep me going, (even looking at an old spotty photo which puts me off rather than makes me swoon!) Probably that's really mean but it's helping and I'll take anything that helps right now.

Reading other peoples' posts has helped me realise this is totally about me and a bungled up brain attachment rather than any magical, once in a lifetime connection. I think i need to do some analytical work there. I come from a happy family / childhood, but there was a brief time when my father left my mother - back when i was quite young. Perhaps there's something buried that I could think about exploring.

Mycorona I read your longer post and my goodness it resonated so strongly. Thank you so much for sharing that, i really appreciate it and may return to it again and again when I'm feeling bad.

Lots of best wishes and thoughts to everyone who's trapped in this. It's so wonderful to be able to make connections in the world through this forum. I've never done it before but if anyone's reading and needs support i can thoroughly recommend writing up your story too. It makes the world of difference.