My emptiness to fill.. with what?!

[Sara]

Hi folks
Some of you already know my story, i had 2 Le in my life the second one has lasted 5 yrs we were previous colleagues I became crazy about him. We lost touch and he reconnected. We are officially friends although we never met our respective partners (we are both married) and were texting way too much, not mentioning the weekly lunches.
The 6months lockdown and working from home has kind of put an end to it.
On my side i feel a change since august, i am not constantly daydreaming about him, even in the morning hes not the first thing i think of. I still have an urge to check my phone every 5min to see if he sent something.
But im also tired of his coldness, dryness and lack of empathy. He is always to the point and would not ask how i am etc. So yes its putting me off now that I dont see him.
My question is: i know that limerence will come back with someone else sooner or later. I have that hole, that emptiness that need to be filled by someone.
I am married and have 2 kids , a full time job, friends, projects. But i still need to have a secret lover, a secret story to occupymy mind . I know deeply that I need it. I dont know why and i feel that this is the key to stop it.
Do other ppl experience the same?
Whats your analysis? How dis you overcome it?

[JohnDeux]

...... But i still need to have a secret lover, a secret story to occupy my mind . I know deeply that I need it. I dont know why and i feel that this is the key to stop it.
Do other ppl experience the same?
Whats your analysis? How dis you overcome it?

Maybe it's the age thing that the secret lover part seems to have fallen away as a part of 'the secret', but this description of HAVING a secret life resonates well with me. For me, the origins stem in part from an emotionally chaotic childhood with parents who had expectations of me that I didn't share....one parent could be downright intrusive with demands of liking what they liked. This lead me to withdraw into that 'secret world' that always seemed to make more sense, was more understanding and compassionate, and had calm instead of chaos. Over the years and in a maladaptive way...that world became MINE! It was the one things "THEY" could not take from me,....."THEY" being anything or anyone that might threaten the integrity and 'loyalty' of that dream-world. So I agree with you that this is some key aspect of my own limerent inclination. I can only offer what has helped....not cured, but helped....reduce the inclination over the years and that is a combination of meditation and 'reality checking' in my life when I'm feeling the need to drift into that secret fantasy world. A main component of the reality checking is to come face-to-face with the cultural insistence of Grand Romance as being the 'savior' of our wounded inner child. When this mythology has a grip on our lives, it seems we tend to stay in the wounded child state/stage and a more robust adult form has difficulty in emerging. Perhaps that's part of the inner emptiness for us after an LE dies....the position within that LE as wounded child seems to have failed us, but there is no inner adult properly 'formed' to step into the role....? And we are left feeling empty, directionless, and without identity in the aftermath.

[Sara]

Thank you JOHndeux your analysis really reasonates in me. I had a great childhood i think, parents emotionally stable Although they were very cold and dealing with their own issues
They loved me and took care of me well, Always there for me but i don't remember being kissed and hearing i love you or hearing im proud of u u doing well. I have always been the model child model adult.
So maybe i forged with my imagination another world where someone would truly love me, protect me, tell me how great i am and let me be myself.

My LO is a cold selfish man. My LO is catholic. My lo is German. The total opposite of me. Either i became close to him to break this personality i forged to be perfect to my parents. Or i liked him because he listened to me and liked to spend time with me for reasons i don't completely understand.

[JohnDeux]

Either i became close to him to break this personality i forged to be perfect to my parents. Or i liked him because he listened to me and liked to spend time with me for reasons i don't completely understand.

I don't see why this has to be an either-or conundrum when both and possibly more could be true.

Accepting for the moment that LE's combine a heady and hearty mix of hormones, the additional and more relevant drives within an LE likely are those things that we,...ourselves,.....have a hard time seeing. Your LO's cold, harsh perfection may reflect sentiments that you feel your parents had OR a part of you that as you noted needed to be perfect for them. Yet BECAUSE he listens to you, he is different from them....and even different from that side of you that had to be perfect. Clarifying this a bit further, do you feel you are good at "listening to yourself"...and being empathic and accepting of your failings as well as your successes and attributes? Likewise, his own attraction to you may have been due to the "opposites attract" phenomenon....and he too may have been drawn to you because of how it helped to break down within himself a cold, stern stoicism that perhaps he secretly dislikes within himself. At the end of the day, the interactions between both of you may have shined light on personal 'shadows' that were either surprising to find there or were known but still problematic in your respective lives. As David (site moderator) noted elsewhere, the farther out from an LE one gets, the more revelation there is about the relationships we have with the different parts of ourselves......and how so much of that relationship was neglected for one reason or another.

[marko]

Don't underestimate how their lack of validation effected you. I thought so too, I had a pretty good child hood. My mom recently said some things that brought me back to how I formed such a lowly idea of myself. Never praising, and then nitpicking combined with anxiety and some depression formed an amazingly deep and complex escape route. I too need to escape mentally most of the time as I just have a sad minded back drop to my narrative. I never connected the two and now I had to. My mom wasn't nearly as good as I thought. It hurts I can never please her, and if I do, she'd never let on. At 82 I just have to accept that she is who she is. The escapes get filled with sadness, but it does relent at times. I could see an LO popping up again--maybe. I'm far more guarded and even less trusting of others and myself. Those are also poor shelters as it keeps me locked inside. As a parent, letting my kids go was my last straw as they were my self proclaimed validators. So many other things, but that's the nutshell. I guess coming to grips with self is the double edge sword that fills for now.

[JMNYC77]

Hi folks
Some of you already know my story, i had 2 Le in my life the second one has lasted 5 yrs we were previous colleagues I became crazy about him. We lost touch and he reconnected. We are officially friends although we never met our respective partners (we are both married) and were texting way too much, not mentioning the weekly lunches.
The 6months lockdown and working from home has kind of put an end to it.
On my side i feel a change since august, i am not constantly daydreaming about him, even in the morning hes not the first thing i think of. I still have an urge to check my phone every 5min to see if he sent something.
But im also tired of his coldness, dryness and lack of empathy. He is always to the point and would not ask how i am etc. So yes its putting me off now that I dont see him.
My question is: i know that limerence will come back with someone else sooner or later. I have that hole, that emptiness that need to be filled by someone.
I am married and have 2 kids , a full time job, friends, projects. But i still need to have a secret lover, a secret story to occupymy mind . I know deeply that I need it. I dont know why and i feel that this is the key to stop it.
Do other ppl experience the same?
Whats your analysis? How dis you overcome it?

I can relate. I feel like I need the scandal. I'm still stuck in the phase where no one interests me except my LO and maybe John Hamm. Haha