Wife in affair and wants divorce

[John]

My opinion is that it is not a good time to be making that major decision. She is in a romantic fog and you are in a state of anguish. Is there any possibility of just separating for a while to see how things pan out?

[Nhraracer90]

My opinion is that it is not a good time to be making that major decision. She is in a romantic fog and you are in a state of anguish. Is there any possibility of just separating for a while to see how things pan out?

I don’t want the divorce. She does. I would be open to the separation but she isn’t. Her mom told her that while we are separated we should work on our issues before divorcing and go to couples therapy. She doesn’t seem to want to do that and won’t stop talking to this new guy. She’s thinking she has a future with him, already thinking of marriage and kids.

She’s giving up everything we had together: House, cars, money, good health ins, good family support for someone who as far as I can tell still lives at home

[Lola]

Mine wanted to walk away with no ties to our life as well. Once he started the divorce, he had his lawyer drag it out for awhile (I think he needed to "prove" to his also-married gf that he was really going to leave me; she didn't file until the day after ours was stamped). He asked me the day of our hearing if it didn't work out with this woman, could he come back. You really can't make this stuff up. Their heads are, as John so eloquently said, in a fog. I was a stander, didn't want the divorce, and left the door open...for awhile. There was a lot of fighting between lawyers after that because he didn't want to pay joint debts (and ultimately, didn't), and that really muddied the waters between us even further.

I actually think, from my experience, that dragging out the divorce leads to more contention that would prohibit reconciliation. You've had a long life together that is the anchor of her life, really. If she wants you to keep everything - I would say, agree, and do it. Then you have protected your joint assets from this user guy, and any lesson she's going to learn, she is free and clear to do. If reconciliation is in your future, a piece of paper won't stop it. You have a good relationship with her family, you are stable, and you are clearly on a healing path where you are trying to understand from a place of empathy, not bitterness, what she's going through. That's a good shot. And if you decide it's no longer for you to wait out her personality crisis, having the legalities done will give you freedom to do what you want. I know it's *not* what you want, because I've been there too (even felt my own kind of limerence for him at the time because this whole ordeal made me kind of obsessed with trying to fix it). But it's a bit of Pandora's box once they enter into these relationships and bomb drop you that they want out of the marriage. No perfect answer, but whatever you do, you've got support from those of us who know it's not an easy path.

[marko]

I was limerent to escape my self who I loath beyond all words--and din't really know it as I always escaped it. The LO represented an escape from this like no other and I lost my mind. I only think I made it because she didn't reciprocate physically and I'd guess her flirts were mostly fake. I was willing to trade my whole life for it all the while not understanding any of it. She was perfect and I wanted her more than any sense my brain could halt. I was mentally ill until I could process my life grief and let it go--for the most part. I don't know how to relate that in order that it could cause anyone else healing. Limerence or not, this self fulfillment through another is so hard as it makes sense-they are the cure. I think to protect self, I even projected my wife as far worse in order to justify. I also see I loved my wife the same way, so I live without ever really loving her. For some of us there is no "back" as it was a projection. Be prepared that you may or may not be that to her if limerent. Others here have found love and return on the other side, so don't give up hope either. I'm pretty much better, but I remain aloof to my wife and best not find any other to give bad effect to.

[Nhraracer90]

Mine wanted to walk away with no ties to our life as well. Once he started the divorce, he had his lawyer drag it out for awhile (I think he needed to "prove" to his also-married gf that he was really going to leave me; she didn't file until the day after ours was stamped). He asked me the day of our hearing if it didn't work out with this woman, could he come back. You really can't make this stuff up. Their heads are, as John so eloquently said, in a fog. I was a stander, didn't want the divorce, and left the door open...for awhile. There was a lot of fighting between lawyers after that because he didn't want to pay joint debts (and ultimately, didn't), and that really muddied the waters between us even further.



I actually think, from my experience, that dragging out the divorce leads to more contention that would prohibit reconciliation. You've had a long life together that is the anchor of her life, really. If she wants you to keep everything - I would say, agree, and do it. Then you have protected your joint assets from this user guy, and any lesson she's going to learn, she is free and clear to do. If reconciliation is in your future, a piece of paper won't stop it. You have a good relationship with her family, you are stable, and you are clearly on a healing path where you are trying to understand from a place of empathy, not bitterness, what she's going through. That's a good shot. And if you decide it's no longer for you to wait out her personality crisis, having the legalities done will give you freedom to do what you want. I know it's *not* what you want, because I've been there too (even felt my own kind of limerence for him at the time because this whole ordeal made me kind of obsessed with trying to fix it). But it's a bit of Pandora's box once they enter into these relationships and bomb drop you that they want out of the marriage. No perfect answer, but whatever you do, you've got support from those of us who know it's not an easy path.

Wow it’s all so crazy how someone can do that so fast willing to give it all up and not look back. Did he ever try to come back or is he still with her?

[Nhraracer90]

I was limerent to escape my self who I loath beyond all words--and din't really know it as I always escaped it. The LO represented an escape from this like no other and I lost my mind. I only think I made it because she didn't reciprocate physically and I'd guess her flirts were mostly fake. I was willing to trade my whole life for it all the while not understanding any of it. She was perfect and I wanted her more than any sense my brain could halt. I was mentally ill until I could process my life grief and let it go--for the most part. I don't know how to relate that in order that it could cause anyone else healing. Limerence or not, this self fulfillment through another is so hard as it makes sense-they are the cure. I think to protect self, I even projected my wife as far worse in order to justify. I also see I loved my wife the same way, so I live without ever really loving her. For some of us there is no "back" as it was a projection. Be prepared that you may or may not be that to her if limerent. Others here have found love and return on the other side, so don't give up hope either. I'm pretty much better, but I remain aloof to my wife and best not find any other to give bad effect to.

Did you stay with your wife or are you divorced? And of course she’s making me out to be the bad guy in her mind. She hasn’t been happy and he makes her sooo happy. I didn’t care, I didn’t appreciate her, I took her for granted and so on...

[Lola]

Wow it’s all so crazy how someone can do that so fast willing to give it all up and not look back. Did he ever try to come back or is he still with her?

It's really been a journey. I actually still have most of his things, including some very personal important items a person should have wanted. He even left his beloved pets. Broke our dog's heart and she was never the same.

I don't want to sound discouraging, but no, he did not come back, but continued to get weirder (so I'm actually quite grateful!). Their life together (they did marry after the divorces were done) has not been what either envisioned. Where they initially had a house, they apparently lost that and were living in an RV, last I heard, frequently moving from state to state. He was jumping from religion to religion, I guess trying to find himself in that as well. There have been a ton of financial issues, which I know about because his creditors contact me while trying to track him down. They both lost their careers and were working menial jobs when they work at all. Her kids grew up and ended up moving to other states, far away from both of their parents. He was in contact with me for the greater part of 2018, and was still flipping between anger at me and wanting to lean on me as a friend. I was kind but detached, because life has moved on. I believe it was during a time when he and this woman were separated. It's not bliss for them, know that. The "relationship" never looks like the one you had. Rest assured.

[Nhraracer90]

Wow it’s all so crazy how someone can do that so fast willing to give it all up and not look back. Did he ever try to come back or is he still with her?

It's really been a journey. I actually still have most of his things, including some very personal important items a person should have wanted. He even left his beloved pets. Broke our dog's heart and she was never the same.

I don't want to sound discouraging, but no, he did not come back, but continued to get weirder (so I'm actually quite grateful!). Their life together (they did marry after the divorces were done) has not been what either envisioned. Where they initially had a house, they apparently lost that and were living in an RV, last I heard, frequently moving from state to state. He was jumping from religion to religion, I guess trying to find himself in that as well. There have been a ton of financial issues, which I know about because his creditors contact me while trying to track him down. They both lost their careers and were working menial jobs when they work at all. Her kids grew up and ended up moving to other states, far away from both of their parents. He was in contact with me for the greater part of 2018, and was still flipping between anger at me and wanting to lean on me as a friend. I was kind but detached, because life has moved on. I believe it was during a time when he and this woman were separated. It's not bliss for them, know that. The "relationship" never looks like the one you had. Rest assured.

Wow I guess the grass wasn’t greener like he thought.
How long ago did you get divorced?

[Lola]

Wow I guess the grass wasn’t greener like he thought.
How long ago did you get divorced?

It definitely wasn't, in my view. And sorry for getting a bit rambly there on your thread. Underlying all of that was some deep pain for me, even amidst the sometimes humor of the situation, and always outright ridiculousness. I want to make sure to really drive home to you - self-care. You didn't cause this, you can't cure it, and you don't deserve it, yet it sits down at the table with you and can really do a number on your head. Do whatever you need to do to maintain your own identity and positive mental health throughout this.

The actual legal split was 2013, but settlement negotiation continued on (lawyers truly are the big winners) for years. Last spoke 2018. He identity thieved me to the tune of $2 in 2019. Life went on and I date and all of that in between (which is more the root of why I found this forum). Healing hasn't been in one fell swoop, but more like layers of an onion peeling away. I actually suspect from other people I know who have been in similar situations, that even if we'd reconciled, that would be the same.

[marko]

I was limerent to escape my self who I loath beyond all words--and din't really know it as I always escaped it. The LO represented an escape from this like no other and I lost my mind. I only think I made it because she didn't reciprocate physically and I'd guess her flirts were mostly fake. I was willing to trade my whole life for it all the while not understanding any of it. She was perfect and I wanted her more than any sense my brain could halt. I was mentally ill until I could process my life grief and let it go--for the most part. I don't know how to relate that in order that it could cause anyone else healing. Limerence or not, this self fulfillment through another is so hard as it makes sense-they are the cure. I think to protect self, I even projected my wife as far worse in order to justify. I also see I loved my wife the same way, so I live without ever really loving her. For some of us there is no "back" as it was a projection. Be prepared that you may or may not be that to her if limerent. Others here have found love and return on the other side, so don't give up hope either. I'm pretty much better, but I remain aloof to my wife and best not find any other to give bad effect to.

Did you stay with your wife or are you divorced? And of course she’s making me out to be the bad guy in her mind. She hasn’t been happy and he makes her sooo happy. I didn’t care, I didn’t appreciate her, I took her for granted and so on...

Didn't divorce, we are at best strange room mates. Her own life wounding makes what to be most would be intolerable. I suppose we like for the most part our distant lives. I now see my inability to love outside of limerence, so I have no trust or deep intimacy with her, and I wouldn't with anyone. I pictured that as perfect with the LO. As a wound mate we would be perfect. I feel that for two years, and then I run. I suppose when I feel validated, my need for anyone goes away as I use relationship to feel validated. Your wife could feel that as well. The sick part is I also have to have a level of sexual attraction to make it valid. I didn't feel all that sexual to my LO, but she did fit my looks requirement. Good proof I don't love using certain criteria to fell loved. I'm 56, so realizing all this makes me sad--I see my destruction, but realizing me, doesn't fix any of it.