I need to make a change, I'm in pain

[DreamingBlue]

I've been married more than 20 years. Quite happy. I've always been a crusher and a flirt. I've experienced limerence earlier in life, not knowing the term. During my marriage, there have been little twinkles here and there, little flirts. But nothing of concern, until about 18 years into the marriage. That LE came and went over about a year, with a coworker. Then, earlier this year, out of the blue, I met in person someone I knew only from social media. She rocked my world. Prettiest woman I ever saw. Sweetest voice. More in common with me than my wife it seems.
It has been the defining obsession of my year. It is stealing sleep from me. It is ruining me. I am an addict. I keep going back, DMing, and answering DMs from my "friend" who is my LO. I can't bear the thought of ruining a friendship because I'm a sap with a killer crush. But I see no alternative. I so wish I could explain to her that I need to pull back hard, for a good long while, but disclosure doesn't seem to be recommended by therapist and others.

I'm just suffering. I know NC, which I will try to enforce for as long as I can, is the way. I just have to do it. Seeking support.

FYI - that first limerent episode, for corworker? We're friends now. THere's a tiny sparkle there but not much at all. Definitely nothing to be concerned about. I long for the same with LO. Wish she could just be a cool friend.

[itry]

...

[Spadge100]

Unfortunately I believe there are some people in this world that simple friendship is not an option, and believing any different is your limerent brain seeking its pleasure drug.

I have only felt this intensely once. I long for the friendship but ultimately we both know it’s more than that, so it would never be an authentic friendship.

Maybe if the glimmer goes a friendship is possible, but given I still think about her A LOT I know there would always be this unspeakable part to our friendship that slowly eats away at your self esteem, confidence and well being. I’m not convinced that glimmer ever goes for certain people and for me anyway avoidance is the only option.

Honesty to yourself is the best policy I believe and accepting that unless you are prepared to completely up-end your life for this LO a friendship is simply not possible.

NC is hard, the hardest journey of my life so far, but it’s a necessary step for self growth and to not have your emotions and sanity controlled by someone else.

Good luck

[itry]

...

[mycorona]

Hi DreamingBlue
Two different points of view from itry and Spadge there. A lot to be said in agreement with both of them but for me, but I mostly agree with Spadge. I will always want more...And he will never give me any more than flirtation and he still wants that - but hey, hope springs eternal!

Spadge..."NC is hard, the hardest journey of my life so far, but it’s a necessary step for self growth and to not have your emotions and sanity controlled by someone else."
Glad to hear you're sticking to that Spadge - I remember you wavered a bit recently - only to be expected.

I tried Low Contact myself over about 5 months, trying to get it in under the radar so to speak so that LO wouldn't notice but when he began to put 2 and 2 together, he became so angry with me that it scared me into coming back (I know I'm a fool! What's new there). Now, he is very happy again as I turn up for meetups with him and friends most of the time. I left early last Saturday and he wanted to know why? He's a weirdo! I know it's just an ego boost for him when I'm around - but I'd rather see him like that at the moment than not see him at all. (Lock me in a padded cell someone!)

So, DreamingBlue. Can you really be just her friend?
Will you always want more?
Are you the one being hurt here?
Can you stop having expectations from this relationship?
Ask yourself these questions and many others. I am currently really trying the "no expectations" route. Don't know yet if it will work but I can tell you from personal experience that the "friends only" route is a lonely, painful, heart breaking experience. But still such sweet joy when I look into those beautiful big blue eyes with those ridiculously long eyelashes!!! Yes, he's a man with those lovely eyes. Another unfairness, as my eyes are small by comparison and my eyelashes skimpy!
Life...

[mycorona]

Hi itry
Thinking about you and hoping for freedom for all of us in 2021.
I remember your LO was going to contact you and come over in January? Has he not called over yet?

[Spadge100]

Hi Itry/mycorona and all

Doing good this end. Still one day at a time and never quite know which memory or thought will come up but guess it’s all part of the journey. I feel I am moving into the acceptance phase now.

I start CBT next week, mainly to focus on my propensity to behavioural addictions and obsession of which limerence is definitely one! Be interesting to see if they have ever come across limerence.

Itry, I think friendship may be possible but not until the extreme feelings have passed. Otherwise for us limerents there must always be things left unsaid.

Have a lovely weekend all.

[Spadge100]

Mycorona, it’s interesting you mention eyes. That’s what I picture most (doesn’t help that often she was in a mask for work and her profile picture was just her eyes for a while).

The Mumford and Sons song, Lovers Eyes, sums it up perfectly!

Well love was kind for a time
But now just aches and it makes me blind
This mirror hold my eyes too bright
But I can’t see the others in my life
Beneath the curse of my lovers eyes

I would love to know how many musicians suffer from limerence!

[mycorona]

Hi Spadge
I'm so upset. LO has said he will not join us tomorrow for coffee and it's thrown me for a loop! I can't believe how upset I became when my SO told me. I have to say it felt like I was having a panic attack - and just because I haven't seen him for a week and it will probably be another week before I see him now, that's 2 weeks. I was so looking forward to seeing him - stupid I know but I had bought a really great outfit to wear and everything - I'm sure it wouldn't matter what I wear anyway, He just wants me there to look at him and laugh at all of his jokes - and boy do I do that - I'm like a performing monkey!

By the way, I've heard that before about our LO's eyes. There's certainly something strange there. It's like we're hyptonised by them. Strange.

Anyway, just needed to say how surprised I am at my own upset. With lockdown, no therapy for me and anyway, I've done enough of it over the years. But I wish you really good luck with your CBT and hope you continue on with your NC and small improvements.

have a great weekend.

[mycorona]

...and just to add...
I'm not doing too good on my "trying not to have any expectations" experiment!!! Am I