In need of some words of wisdom

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Yesnomaybeso
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In need of some words of wisdom

Post by Yesnomaybeso »

For quite a while I've been feeling free of this. But recently I decided to dip my toe into online dating. Everything was going fine until I started obsessively checking my messages, thinking about him a little too much after only 2 dates. I couldn't believe after the pain and torture I went through this would just pop up again. I've decided I'm willing to try and push through this as you can't just keep saying "I'll try and find love when I'm fully healed" because I've realised that's not feasible. It's at a manageable level rn but the other day I was feeling really low. Suppose I'm looking for wisdom or guidance from those who have dealt with it coming back.
Aysheal
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by Aysheal »

Hi Yesnomaybeso,

I stopped dating in real life (for now) because it was too difficult for me. We are all different and I can only speak from my own experience: waiting for a message was horrible because I was worried he didn’t text me because he wasn’t interested in me. I realized that when I wasn’t interested in a man and he didn’t text me regularly, I wasn't anxious and he could be interested in me anyway.

I watched many videos on YouTube about dating / texting tips (the « love coaches »). The best advice I found was to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid looking at my phone and thinking about him. The problem is that they (the love coaches) sometimes contradict each other and after a while and tons of advice, dating seemed like a very complicated mission to me lol!

But I also realized that I was so insecure in my relationships that I needed « him » to reassure me a lot (by the frequency of his messages among other things). Some men can put up with it and even like it, but it scares others.

I am currently in therapy and without my attachment problem (+limerence+...) I think the advice from the love coaches on YouTube or the internet might have helped me (it actually helped me a little).

Take care!

Ayshea
I’ve been L several times. It didn’t last long bc I got all flustered in front of my LO: it was so unpleasant I quickly got over it. This time, my LO is an actor, I’ve no chance to be in contact with him and the LE has been going on for almost 2 years.
marko
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by marko »

I really think a person needs to comes to grips with what it is that haunts us. I'm old, but I doubt I could ever have a real relationship. It's so engrained to fill my need that I can't imagine doing things any other way. Most of us have some common things, young age neglect/abuse/abandonment that adds to the idea we need to do what we do. I wonder if like a drug addict, our brains go straight to LE to get the fix. I think my last LE experience just drove it all home. I guess because there is nothing in my life not touched or tainted by this as a lifestyle, I'd have to replace everything or somehow become a whole person not in need of this. I don't know you, but the instant you saw what you were doing, you knew something was't right. That's pretty amazing and I guess uncover what caused all the need to be needed/validated--or whatever LE does for you. I just thought the lovestruck romeo was how it all worked.
Aysheal
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by Aysheal »

marko wrote: Wed Feb 24, 2021 8:02 pm I really think a person needs to comes to grips with what it is that haunts us. I'm old, but I doubt I could ever have a real relationship. It's so engrained to fill my need that I can't imagine doing things any other way.
Hi @Marko, I‘ve just read some of your previous posts. I can relate to some of your experiences and I agree with you on the way you describe limerence (connection with young age, L is an escape, we have to find out what haunts us, etc...)

In the past, I think I had a « real relationship »* even though I have very low self-esteem and tend to be a serial limerent (+ anxiety, hypomania/depression, I get tired easily, I’m sensitive... I’m probably forgetting something :-? ).
I’ve stopped dating only because I’m not strong enough to deal with the emotions I’d feel. In short, I believe it’s possible even with a lot of problems.

*my definition would be love, trust, and intimacy
I’ve been L several times. It didn’t last long bc I got all flustered in front of my LO: it was so unpleasant I quickly got over it. This time, my LO is an actor, I’ve no chance to be in contact with him and the LE has been going on for almost 2 years.
marko
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by marko »

Aysheal wrote: Wed Feb 24, 2021 11:22 pm
marko wrote: Wed Feb 24, 2021 8:02 pm I really think a person needs to comes to grips with what it is that haunts us. I'm old, but I doubt I could ever have a real relationship. It's so engrained to fill my need that I can't imagine doing things any other way.
Hi @Marko, I‘ve just read some of your previous posts. I can relate to some of your experiences and I agree with you on the way you describe limerence (connection with young age, L is an escape, we have to find out what haunts us, etc...)

In the past, I think I had a « real relationship »* even though I have very low self-esteem and tend to be a serial limerent (+ anxiety, hypomania/depression, I get tired easily, I’m sensitive... I’m probably forgetting something :-? ).
I’ve stopped dating only because I’m not strong enough to deal with the emotions I’d feel. In short, I believe it’s possible even with a lot of problems.

*my definition would be love, trust, and intimacy
I could write the same things. One therapist dismissed it as bipolar as I described the roller coaster. I'm still married and really make for a bad husband. Had I known, I would have worked on being healthier before running after what I thought would heal me. My LO was a blast, but now I see how I would have unraveled that as well. I feel like this past LE was very high school like, like I didn't mature, and anything really deep would take too much. My wife's own issues don't help and I wonder if we could have helped each other more, or if LE just needs too much for me.
'
Aysheal
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by Aysheal »

Marko, I feel like my LE is high school like too! I know it's more complicated... You and Yesnomaybeso overcame limerence and this is really something!
When you write that you make for a bad husband, I think you may be hard with yourself. People who have bad self-esteem suffer from a cognitive bias: they tend to focus on their flaws and forget about their qualities. You’re certainly not a “perfect” partner because that partner doesn’t exist, but I’m sure you’re much better than you think: your words are full of kindness and it’s clear that you’ve learned a lot during your healing journey from limerence.
I’ve been L several times. It didn’t last long bc I got all flustered in front of my LO: it was so unpleasant I quickly got over it. This time, my LO is an actor, I’ve no chance to be in contact with him and the LE has been going on for almost 2 years.
Spadge100
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi Marko and aysheal

It’s interesting your doctor dismissed it as bipolar. I too got a diagnosis of bipolar whereas I am pretty sure it was the limerence taking hold at the time. Therapists are verbally pretty dismissive of it as a condition which is baffling considering how many people must suffer from it.

Aysheal, teenage is exactly what it is. Me and my LO used to joke we are like two teenagers. Partly as we knew each other as teenagers so we’re on a massive nostalgia trip 25 years later. I had hoped those crazy teenage years were behind me but apparently they can resurface just when you don’t want them to!!

Don’t be hard on yourself Marko, none of us are perfect and limerence hits your self esteem like nothing else. I lost all sense of self and believed I had lived a lie my whole life. Self esteem is slowly coming back and each week feel more like me, but I know that this will always be a part of me but hopefully as something I look back on in time and think “what was I thinking?”

Good luck all
Aysheal
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by Aysheal »

Spadge100 wrote: Sat Feb 27, 2021 7:42 pm Aysheal, teenage is exactly what it is. Me and my LO used to joke we are like two teenagers.
Thank you for sharing your experience too Spadge100, I felt like I was a weirdo before knowing this forum.

I also got a diagnosis of bipolar. I guess it’s because I can’t tolerate antidepressants, they can cause me to have hypomanic episodes. In my experience, limerence is totally different. It’s complicated because when I google “list of hypomanic symptoms”, aargh! I understand why doctors confuse the two ~x(
I’ve been L several times. It didn’t last long bc I got all flustered in front of my LO: it was so unpleasant I quickly got over it. This time, my LO is an actor, I’ve no chance to be in contact with him and the LE has been going on for almost 2 years.
Spadge100
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi Aysheal

I was the same with antidepressants. My doctor increased the dosage when the EA ended and this (and the guilt and shame I felt) caused a psychotic episode. I am now on anti psychotic and mood stabiliser medication and it seems to help.

I’m still not convinced it is bipolar but was the comedown from the limerence. I wish I could turn back the clock but can’t change the past only our futures.
Aysheal
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Re: In need of some words of wisdom

Post by Aysheal »

@Spadge100, I’ve just read some of your previous messages. What you went through is an ideal cocktail to trigger “something” that can easily look like a manic episode.

I started reading the book you mentioned: “the chimp paradox”. Very interesting! (I’ve only finished the first chapter, for now).

It reminds me of a concept I’ve seen before about the “chimp brain” and the “human brain”. This is the triune brain theory ( https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triune_brain) which calls them the emotional brain and neocortex (ability for language, abstraction, planning, and perception).

I like the comparison the author makes regarding our emotional brain: “It’s like owning a dog. You are not responsible for the nature of the dog but you are responsible for managing it and keeping it well behaved”
I own a dog and when he was a puppy, I needed advice on how to manage him. It’s maybe the same thing for limerence (at least partially). I learned here the importance of NC, I feel a lot of empathy and sadness for those who can’t do that, I can imagine how much they suffer (I suffer from limerence, but it’s easier for a few days that I don’t look at any more pictures or anything).

I am sorry, @Yesnomaybeso, for straying so far from your question. I hope that your dating experience is going well, that you feel good, and that you’ll soon find a nice man (I hope you’ve already found him).
I’ve been L several times. It didn’t last long bc I got all flustered in front of my LO: it was so unpleasant I quickly got over it. This time, my LO is an actor, I’ve no chance to be in contact with him and the LE has been going on for almost 2 years.
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