Disclosure for Closure?

[DreamingBlue]

Because I see how much my non-mutual LO has me in a special section of the Friend Zone, how much she appreciates me, etc, I genuinely feel that blocking her on all social media is just too mean. And I also feel that me confiding in her that I have a big old crush on her, that we can be buds long term, but I need to disengage for a while, is the way to go for me. I feel like it'll be me "breaking up" with her so that I can truly go NC, for as long as I need to. I feel like it'll give me closure.

Am I delusional? Am I just going to embarrass myself and make her think I'm a weirdo? Am I going to ruin a friendship? If I keep it where things are, with us supposedly friends, but me pining for her constantly, it feels dishonest. Also, word that she is in a relationship now has me stung and hurting. I need to stop this pain.

[Struck613]

We're in a similar boat. Other people on the forum are proponents of just going NC and that we don't owe our LO any explanation, but that seems harsh to me. Yes we should focus on ourselves and not place so much importance on LO, but why would it be fair to just totally disappear from the face of the earth and not give any warning or explanation to someone who is supposedly a friend.

My LO already knows I like her because I asked her out (I was/am single, she was single and I believed she still was when I asked, but she had started dating someone by that point), but even still I feel like it would come across too strong for me to tell her I need to disengage because I'm obsessed with her. Obviously you know you're own situation best, but my personal opinion when I apply the situation to my own is that I will come across as weird for disclosing, and that LO would want to distance from me. Maybe that's ultimately for the best though. And I hear you, the current situation isn't so good either. I've tried LC and it didn't really work for me -- I do think NC is ultimately the way to go but I don't know myself the best way to get there.

[marko]

I think you're delusional, but not in a mean way. I think we will grab at any notion to try and get in and give it a go. You end with how you want it to end, but you really want to keep it going. It's how it works, it's an addiction and it sucks to let it go. Even a year NC, I just want to check in. I pretend to be a friend, but it isn't true, but it is. That's why it's so hard.

[selkie354]

I really don't think disclosing is the best plan here. A good chance she could take it the wrong way. Also if you are coworkers you risk an awkward situation at work - you can't be sure she won't tell others.

Truly ask yourself if you aren't just doing this holding out for the chance that she will also confess to having "secret feelings"? If you are then you shouldn't do it.

I think a better plan is to do a LC with strict rules for yourself. Don't initiate anything. Set hours for communication, don't reply late at night. Don't get personal, and when she does redirect it. Don't check social media or try "muting" options when possible. That should start to help.

I agree with others that NC is sometimes too harsh especially if you were actually friends. It can also trigger unexpected behavior. I think LC is probably the best middle ground and shouldn't cause a major issue - if you do that she is unlikely to be deeply hurt.

Ultimately it is up to you though, good luck with whatever you decide.

[David]

disclosure rarely if ever removes our angst.

Ive blogged about it here

you'll need to cut and paste the link into a new browser window as the hyperlinks seems to have stopped working when we moved to a https server

www.limerence.net/6-disclosures-and-the-unconscious-undercurrents-of-limerence/

[AMA210]

I have done disclosure and currently am in NC.
I disclosed several times to LO, both in person and by letter.
None of them had any affect on stopping the limerence.
In some regards, I think it made it worse and much easier for the LO to take advantage of the situation, and of my feelings, keeping me on the rollercoaster for far too long.

I think disclosure is like being backed into a corner with no way out.
If you tell the LO how you feel, and they are prone to being manipulative, then it's a win for them, and from that the LS somehow expects some sort of reciprocation or at the very least, has convinced themselves that the LO feels something for them, no matter how minute that may be.
Disclosure offers no closure for either one.
NC or LC is really the only way out of that corner.

[DreamingBlue]

Thank you David.

disclosure rarely if ever removes our angst.

Ive blogged about it here

you'll need to cut and paste the link into a new browser window as the hyperlinks seems to have stopped working when we moved to a https server

www.limerence.net/6-disclosures-and-the-unconscious-undercurrents-of-limerence/

[DreamingBlue]

It would absolutely be to set me free, not to hear about her feelings. I asked myself, "What would you do if she showed up on your doorstep, saying "I love you, run away with me." I truly believe I'd say, "Please get out of here." Even if like 40% of me would want to run with her.

I need closure. I can't kick the addiction to her social media pages, I just can't. So I need a next step that doesn't make me look weird or mean.

I really don't think disclosing is the best plan here. A good chance she could take it the wrong way. Also if you are coworkers you risk an awkward situation at work - you can't be sure she won't tell others.

Truly ask yourself if you aren't just doing this holding out for the chance that she will also confess to having "secret feelings"? If you are then you shouldn't do it.

I think a better plan is to do a LC with strict rules for yourself. Don't initiate anything. Set hours for communication, don't reply late at night. Don't get personal, and when she does redirect it. Don't check social media or try "muting" options when possible. That should start to help.

I agree with others that NC is sometimes too harsh especially if you were actually friends. It can also trigger unexpected behavior. I think LC is probably the best middle ground and shouldn't cause a major issue - if you do that she is unlikely to be deeply hurt.

Ultimately it is up to you though, good luck with whatever you decide.

[DreamingBlue]

Thank you for your well-put response.

Also at the heart of this - anxiety about pain. Distress tolerance. I need to sit with the pain of knowing she has a boyfriend, of knowing I will never touch or love her. Radical acceptance as they call it. I need to dedicate my time to making the most meaningful life I can, not chasing a daydream.

I have done disclosure and currently am in NC.
I disclosed several times to LO, both in person and by letter.
None of them had any affect on stopping the limerence.
In some regards, I think it made it worse and much easier for the LO to take advantage of the situation, and of my feelings, keeping me on the rollercoaster for far too long.

I think disclosure is like being backed into a corner with no way out.
If you tell the LO how you feel, and they are prone to being manipulative, then it's a win for them, and from that the LS somehow expects some sort of reciprocation or at the very least, has convinced themselves that the LO feels something for them, no matter how minute that may be.
Disclosure offers no closure for either one.
NC or LC is really the only way out of that corner.

[ireneadler]

Ugh. Disclosure. LO and I are both married. I disclosed that I had a crush on him, but wanted to be professional. I did not disclose that I fantasize about him. I was hoping for rejection. That he would ghost me and make it easy. Well, he responded that he wanted to be a good friend. So there we are. I see him all the time (we work together). He is the bright spot in my dreary days. I try not to talk about my marriage on the rocks. If I was his wife, I would be mad that he had a friend who was infatuated with him. Should I care? Then again, did he even realize that I was disclosing? Or did I disclose that I just wanted to be friends with him by mentioning that I wanted to be professional? He might have taken it that way. I don't want to be fired for sexual harassment. I think we need to ask ourselves the purpose of disclosure. I guess mine was selfish that I wanted to know if his flirting meant anything. Disclosure for me ended up with having more lunches together.

What would you want to accomplish by disclosure? Do you want her to block you? Do you want her to consider that she has feelings for you and break up with her boyfriend?