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If I can't get over LO now...
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
I'm going to preface this post the same way I did my last one. Overall, I'm in a much better place than I have been. I still think about LO a lot -- though I also am able to go long stretches without thinking of her -- but the feeling isn't as intense as it once was. On the other hand, the lack of reciprocation -- and the lack of uncertainty around that -- still isn't enough for me to let it go entirely.
I've been finding myself more and more thinking about if LO is still in a relationship. I used to work with her roommate, and so occasionally it would come up in small talk. Like if my coworker was talking about her weekend, she might say LO's boyfriend was over etc... She left the company two months ago though, so I haven't gotten one of those since then. I also still talk to LO probably 4-5 days a week, but our "conversations" (if you can call it that) almost 100% consist of sending each other Tiktoks (an app I'm only on because of her, and really barely use except to find something to send to her or to see what she sent me. I know Tiktok skews younger and I'm already one of the younger ones on the forum, so I wouldn't be surprised if this part isn't relatable to anyone else here ), so nothing meaningful, let alone her boyfriend, ever comes up. I have no indication to think they're not together still. Really all I'm going off of is that they've been seeing each other for like 6-7 months at this point, and there are still plenty of relationships that fizzle out at this faze.
Anyway, since she knows I'm interested I keep envisioning that one of these days when I see a text from her, instead of it being a silly Tiktok, it will be her saying she's available now. I'm obviously not staying single for her (that's its own separate story), but the fact is I am single so if that scenario played out I wouldn't have any reason to not pursue it. But again, I have no reason to believe she is single. And no reason to believe that even if she were single, that she'd be interested in me. I've thought I've seen signs, but I'm probably putting more meaning into them than there should be. The latest "sign" was that she texted me at like 12:30am last week. Again, the texting was just her sending me a Tiktok, so I know it's nothing meaningful. She was probably just scrolling through her phone before going to bed, and saw something she thought was funny. But I just feel like if I had a girlfriend, and she was texting a guy after midnight that had previously asked her out, I probably wouldn't be thrilled.
So anyway that's where I am. Making a lot of progress, but still holding onto the limerence because I convince myself us ending up together isn't that far-fetched still (though when I'm being rational, I play out the scenario in my head of us even if we did end up together. It doesn't go well at all). I don't lose as much sleep over LO as I used to, but it still helps every once in a while dumping my thoughts down here.
I've been finding myself more and more thinking about if LO is still in a relationship. I used to work with her roommate, and so occasionally it would come up in small talk. Like if my coworker was talking about her weekend, she might say LO's boyfriend was over etc... She left the company two months ago though, so I haven't gotten one of those since then. I also still talk to LO probably 4-5 days a week, but our "conversations" (if you can call it that) almost 100% consist of sending each other Tiktoks (an app I'm only on because of her, and really barely use except to find something to send to her or to see what she sent me. I know Tiktok skews younger and I'm already one of the younger ones on the forum, so I wouldn't be surprised if this part isn't relatable to anyone else here ), so nothing meaningful, let alone her boyfriend, ever comes up. I have no indication to think they're not together still. Really all I'm going off of is that they've been seeing each other for like 6-7 months at this point, and there are still plenty of relationships that fizzle out at this faze.
Anyway, since she knows I'm interested I keep envisioning that one of these days when I see a text from her, instead of it being a silly Tiktok, it will be her saying she's available now. I'm obviously not staying single for her (that's its own separate story), but the fact is I am single so if that scenario played out I wouldn't have any reason to not pursue it. But again, I have no reason to believe she is single. And no reason to believe that even if she were single, that she'd be interested in me. I've thought I've seen signs, but I'm probably putting more meaning into them than there should be. The latest "sign" was that she texted me at like 12:30am last week. Again, the texting was just her sending me a Tiktok, so I know it's nothing meaningful. She was probably just scrolling through her phone before going to bed, and saw something she thought was funny. But I just feel like if I had a girlfriend, and she was texting a guy after midnight that had previously asked her out, I probably wouldn't be thrilled.
So anyway that's where I am. Making a lot of progress, but still holding onto the limerence because I convince myself us ending up together isn't that far-fetched still (though when I'm being rational, I play out the scenario in my head of us even if we did end up together. It doesn't go well at all). I don't lose as much sleep over LO as I used to, but it still helps every once in a while dumping my thoughts down here.
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
Not sure if this would be helpful or not - but is it possible to separate the reality from the fantasy of being with LO?
Given what you know about the LO and what their behavior has been in the past may be a good indicator of what they would be like in an actual relationship with you.
I have done this recently and the reality is shocking at best.
Given what you know about the LO and what their behavior has been in the past may be a good indicator of what they would be like in an actual relationship with you.
I have done this recently and the reality is shocking at best.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
It definitely helps. I try picturing what a relationship with LO would look like, and if I'm honest with myself it wouldn't end well. Not that it would be especially bad or a toxic situation or anything. Just we're not really all that compatible.AMA210 wrote: ↑Mon Aug 02, 2021 2:00 pm Not sure if this would be helpful or not - but is it possible to separate the reality from the fantasy of being with LO?
Given what you know about the LO and what their behavior has been in the past may be a good indicator of what they would be like in an actual relationship with you.
I have done this recently and the reality is shocking at best.
I do try thinking about that, but everytime I do the limerent part of my mind tries to suppress that line of thinking.
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
I'm at a weird stage in my LE right now. I still think about LO quite often, but I just don't care about her as much as I once did. I still want to magically be together with her, but I think that rather than being limerent for her, the desire is now more driven by the fact that to a degree I do like her (independent of limerence), I'm single, and would just want to be in a relationship with anybody.
It's good. It means the limerence is starting to wear off a bit, I guess. But it's still a weird spot because I don't really think about her any less than I used to, I just don't have the same strong feelings associated with those thoughts. Like earlier today I was driven to googling her name because I just couldn't get her off my mind. But even when I saw pictures or other info it didn't trigger me at all as it once would've. It's a step in the right direction, but it feels very much like I'm still traveling down the road to recovery and haven't reached the end yet.
It's good. It means the limerence is starting to wear off a bit, I guess. But it's still a weird spot because I don't really think about her any less than I used to, I just don't have the same strong feelings associated with those thoughts. Like earlier today I was driven to googling her name because I just couldn't get her off my mind. But even when I saw pictures or other info it didn't trigger me at all as it once would've. It's a step in the right direction, but it feels very much like I'm still traveling down the road to recovery and haven't reached the end yet.
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
Glad to hear that, Struck, congratulations! But the way to recovery is loooong, don't expect it to magically go away.
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
I maintain that I'm still doing better and don't feel as all consumed by LO as I once was, but I'd be remiss if I didn't at least acknowledge some behavior that makes me wonder.
LO and I met at work and are both in a group text with a few other coworkers (some of who, including LO, don't work there anymore). There are several occasions where LO's only contribution to a conversation is to laugh at something I said. There are also times where I'm not participating in a conversation that's going on, but LO brings me up.
In our one on one texts though, I think she muted me. She now barely responds if I text her, and often times it's days later that she responds and only when she is sending me something unrelated does she see the old texts and respond to those (which suggests to me she's only seeing my texts when she pulls my name up to send me something herself, which is consistent with her muting me). I could take the hint and go away if that were the case, but it doesn't really jive with her behavior in the group text. It might also be rude to say this, but she could just tell me to stop texting her if it were a problem. The still limerent part of me is convinced that she muted me so as to not be "tempted" by me, because she is secretly madly in love with me.
I don't really know what to make of it all, but it's just another mixed signal, which is what is ultimately still fueling my LE.
LO and I met at work and are both in a group text with a few other coworkers (some of who, including LO, don't work there anymore). There are several occasions where LO's only contribution to a conversation is to laugh at something I said. There are also times where I'm not participating in a conversation that's going on, but LO brings me up.
In our one on one texts though, I think she muted me. She now barely responds if I text her, and often times it's days later that she responds and only when she is sending me something unrelated does she see the old texts and respond to those (which suggests to me she's only seeing my texts when she pulls my name up to send me something herself, which is consistent with her muting me). I could take the hint and go away if that were the case, but it doesn't really jive with her behavior in the group text. It might also be rude to say this, but she could just tell me to stop texting her if it were a problem. The still limerent part of me is convinced that she muted me so as to not be "tempted" by me, because she is secretly madly in love with me.
I don't really know what to make of it all, but it's just another mixed signal, which is what is ultimately still fueling my LE.
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
Mixed signals can also be red flags.
IMO, the interpretation in a normal person is different than one who is limerent.
This muting/unmuting may still qualify as a cat and mouse game but on a much smaller scale.
I believe the intent of mixed signals/messages is to keep the other person confused most of the time.
Unfortunately, there can be a lot of ruminating that is done about what it all means and this alone can consume every thought within every day.
Also it's possible that she is keeping you on the hook, so to speak, and so ultimately becomes your choice to remove that hook.
I think the will to stop the thoughts is not enough, as the belief around it has to change completely, in order to decide what the action will be.
So, as a start, something along the lines of: is trying to figure out why she is doing this beneficial to me in any way? How much time and energy am I using with this? What could I do instead? How could I use all of that energy for myself?
Hope this helps.
IMO, the interpretation in a normal person is different than one who is limerent.
This muting/unmuting may still qualify as a cat and mouse game but on a much smaller scale.
I believe the intent of mixed signals/messages is to keep the other person confused most of the time.
Unfortunately, there can be a lot of ruminating that is done about what it all means and this alone can consume every thought within every day.
Also it's possible that she is keeping you on the hook, so to speak, and so ultimately becomes your choice to remove that hook.
I think the will to stop the thoughts is not enough, as the belief around it has to change completely, in order to decide what the action will be.
So, as a start, something along the lines of: is trying to figure out why she is doing this beneficial to me in any way? How much time and energy am I using with this? What could I do instead? How could I use all of that energy for myself?
Hope this helps.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
Thanks AMA. That is helpful. Ultimately it doesn't matter what LO's motivation is, and anytime I spend trying to understand it is just continuing to fuel the limerence.
That said... I do also agree it's a red flag. I know I'm seeing everything through the lens of limerence, but I do legitimately believe LO showed signs of interest in the past. Someone who knows both of us and has no skin in the game said this to me as well. But there have also been pretty clear signs of her being unavailable or uninterested. But either way I agree, it's best to not spend so much time trying to understand it and instead spend the time trying to move on and improve what I can.
That said... I do also agree it's a red flag. I know I'm seeing everything through the lens of limerence, but I do legitimately believe LO showed signs of interest in the past. Someone who knows both of us and has no skin in the game said this to me as well. But there have also been pretty clear signs of her being unavailable or uninterested. But either way I agree, it's best to not spend so much time trying to understand it and instead spend the time trying to move on and improve what I can.
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
A lot of times, mixed signals aren't really mixed -
it's just that limerence projects what we want to see,
and makes otherwise, clear signals seem mixed to our brain,because that uncertainty gives us hope.
Keep doing what you're doing, and minimise any form of contact or interaction with the LO.
Good luck!
it's just that limerence projects what we want to see,
and makes otherwise, clear signals seem mixed to our brain,because that uncertainty gives us hope.
Keep doing what you're doing, and minimise any form of contact or interaction with the LO.
Good luck!
Re: If I can't get over LO now...
Agree with Ama, same with my LO. Hot and cold, only communicating when he feels like it and probably has me muted too. Keep away and try not to interpret her reactions in the group chat.
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