If I can't get over LO now...

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Struck613
Posts: 120
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

If I can't get over LO now...

Post by Struck613 »

... then shame on me. Tonight should be the clearest sign that LO just doesn't care about me. Certainly not as a potential SO, but really at all.

I used to work with LO's good friend and roommate (I used to work with LO too, that's how we met, though she left a few months ago at this point). Her friend/my coworker just quit a couple weeks ago, and tonight we had a group of 7 or 8 of us meet up for "goodbye" drinks. Though LO doesn't work at the company anymore, since she knew all of us anyway and lives with my coworker she was invited and said she was coming. Admittedly, I've stopped thinking of LO that much recently -- some things have been going on in my personal life that have distracted me, and I've also sort of accepted that she has an SO, one that she started seeing AFTER we knew each other for a year. Also, my last LO got married last weekend, and so to the extent I'm experiencing LE with anyone at the moment it's actually more with my old LO. All that to say, LO hasn't been top of mind lately, but I had in my mind for a while that I'd be seeing her tonight. And then she just didn't show up.

I had seen most of the people there in person at some point during the pandemic, but I haven't seen LO since March 2020. I don't think LO had seen anyone that was there since then, other than her roommate. She claimed she got home late from something and that's why she didn't come. But clearly if she felt even remotely the same way I felt about her, she would find a way to make it. Beyond that, if she even viewed any of us (not just me) that were there as friends, you'd think she'd want to find a way to come see people she hadn't seen in the last year and a half.

What confuses me though is I continue to get mixed signals. I texted her while we were there about her not coming -- at this point, I don't really care how I come across to her. I've asked her out, she rejected me. I don't work with her anymore and I don't work with her roommate anymore, so worst comes to worst I come across as too desperate and she stops talking to me. That would honestly be for the best anyway. -- and we had a long back and forth text convo. Meanwhile, someone else that was there texted in our group chat about her not being there and she didn't respond. I consistently get these sort of mixed messages, where she'll respond to me or reach out to me, but then I get other signs (like tonight) where it's just clear she doesn't care about me.

For what it's worth, I got confirmation tonight from her roommate that she is still with her SO. It's been about six months now -- certainly doesn't mean that they're together for life, but it's also not an insignificant amount of time. I hadn't had it confirmed that she was still with LO for a couple months. I used to get excited trying to read into signs that they weren't together anymore, because that meant there was a chance for me. But I don't even care anymore. It's too exhausting to care still.

Bottom line, I still care about LO but I shouldn't. Given the opportunity to see me, even as a friend, and other friends for the first time in over a year she just didn't show up. Without so much as even a warning, leaving her friend to say when she got there that LO wasn't coming. No mixed messages will speak louder than that. She doesn't care about me, and so neither should I.
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by L-F »

Sorry you felt let down Struck.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
Struck613
Posts: 120
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by Struck613 »

It’s okay, L-F. I do feel let down right now, but after I get over that it’ll be for the best. It certainly SHOULD eliminate any uncertainty.

And I shouldn’t have expected anything more to begin with. We were only “work friends”, and we worked together in person for less than a year before Covid. Anything else I made it out to be was in my head.
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by virusbkk »

Limerence makes us look desperately for signs of reciprocation that just aren't there.
What you were interpreting as mixed signals, were probably not mixed signals in the first place.

I think you've already realised that it's curtains for you + LO, especially if she has an SO.
Furthermore, you asked her out - she rejected.

Most of the uncertainty has been eliminated - LO has SO, LO rejected you.
This is what you should be repeating to yourself - over and over again.

I would start pursuing other women immediately.
gargantua65
Posts: 18
Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2021 4:46 pm
Gender:
Spain

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by gargantua65 »

Totally agree with viruskk, we seek desperately reciprocation in order to avoid rejection. Rejection feels terrible, I have dome maniac stuff in order to avoid it. And rejection has nothing to do with ourselves, remember this. Your worth is not contingent to your LO -altough thats where us limerents place it - It is within yourself, and you have it.
Struck613
Posts: 120
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by Struck613 »

Maybe this is just the initial let down still from what happened yesterday (because again, I had been doing much better the last month or so), but I find it interesting that despite everything that's happened, I am still not able to move on. There is no reciprocity and there is no uncertainty. I know this from both things that have happened explicitly (being rejected. Though I still "cope" with this by telling myself I was only rejected because she had an SO -- something I didn't know at the time -- and there might have been a chance otherwise) and implicitly (like her flaking on an opportunity to see not just me, but a group of people she hadn't seen in a long time). Yet I would say my LE is stronger now than it was yesterday. Hopefully this will all pass once reality sets in, because rationally speaking I know it's over.

As for pursuing other women as virusbkk mentioned, I'm not holding back from doing that because of LO, but I do have a constant tugging and pulling with the rational part of my brain and the limerent part. Rationally speaking, I am not with LO and never will be. So yes, I should. The limerent part of me feels like I'm cheating on her if I so much as open a dating app. I fully understand how far removed from reality it is to think that way, but I can't help but feel that way.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by AMA210 »

@Struck613: "As for pursuing other women as virusbkk mentioned, I'm not holding back from doing that because of LO, but I do have a constant tugging and pulling with the rational part of my brain and the limerent part. Rationally speaking, I am not with LO and never will be. So yes, I should. The limerent part of me feels like I'm cheating on her if I so much as open a dating app. I fully understand how far removed from reality it is to think that way, but I can't help but feel that way."

When I was deeply limerent, I felt like I was cheating on LO with SO even though there was no PA. It was ridiculous to even think that way, but I do understand that.
I don't do dating apps at all - the closest I came to that was a few FB single groups and I blocked way too many people from those and left a short time later.
I tend to think that first we have to be happy with being alone and being with ourselves and second, if the universal forces dropped LO into our lives at the right time, then maybe another one, albeit healthier and better will drop at the right time.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by virusbkk »

Struck613 wrote: Thu Jun 17, 2021 3:17 pm Rationally speaking, I am not with LO and never will be. So yes, I should. The limerent part of me feels like I'm cheating on her if I so much as open a dating app. I fully understand how far removed from reality it is to think that way, but I can't help but feel that way.
You're on a slippery slope ("far removed from reality" as you say),
if you think that opening a dating app constitutes as cheating - LO was never your's to begin with.

The LO is an acquaintance - you owe her NOTHING.
Limerence wraps you inside a fantasy, so your predicament is understandable.

Fortunately, the rational part of your brain is telling you something,
and you are aware of this - listen to that voice.

Good luck!
Struck613
Posts: 120
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by Struck613 »

I agree virus. As I said, I rationally understand things like that. But that doesn't stop the intrusive limerent thoughts from existing.

One other thing I struggle with is how covid played into my whole situation. I knew LO for roughly a year before we started working remotely and I stopped seeing her everyday, and I wasn't limerent during that time. Why did I all the sudden become limerent when I stopped seeing her? Also, I have no doubt I never would have even asked her out if life were normal and I was faced with the possibility of having to see her everyday after a rejection. But I do spend a lot of time thinking about the fact that I consider myself to have acted very carefully during the past year, and had very little social interaction. Meanwhile, I know LO was single when I last saw her in March 2020 but by the time I asked her out over the winter of 2020-21, she already had a boyfriend. I'm not saying either of us acted right or wrong, but it makes me feel like I wasted a year of my life (a year in my 20s, when I could've been out meeting people. For reference, I'll be 27 next week. LO is the same age, a few months younger). I don't feel like it was at all trivial and if given the opportunity to do things over I probably wouldn't have changed anything, but I can't help but feel it's unfair that I lost a year while LO (and others) didn't. While I was doing nothing, LO was out dating. And my previous LO was getting engaged and planning a wedding. I know for everyone on this forum that is in a relationship, it's probably maddening to read this because you're thinking just go meet someone and you'll get over LO. But for me where I'm sitting, being single just adds to the torture. I have nothing else to fall back on, just fantasizing about what could be.

I guess this isn't all related to limerence, but these thoughts don't really bother me unless I think about them in relation to LO. And specifically about how LO met someone during all of this.
AMA210
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Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by AMA210 »

Hi Struck,

As difficult as it is, please try to move the focus from LO to yourself. Doing this will help ease some of the burden that you have and will re-direct the energy and thoughts back to you.

Maybe take some time to think about what you would like to do, a bucket list of sorts, and then start doing it.
The thoughts of LO will persist for a long while, but it may be time to invest in yourself!
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
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