Approaching a sensitive subject

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peter.rabbit
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Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by peter.rabbit »

My LO recently took her husband to learn the results of a lung biopsy, as a result of a CT scan for lung cancer / mesothelioma. I am concerned, and yes, curious...but am hesitant to call or text...and unsure of what to say, as the test results have a high probability of reporting a grim prognosis.

I feel like a teenager asking advice from Dear Abby, but here I am, throwing it out to you folks.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
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Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

My heart goes out to you Peter.
Not much support I can offer in way of advice other than allowing yourself some time to process any grief around not being the number one source of support for her.
That's the only thing that would get me down (in this moment other than hearing the result), is the fact that I'm not there when LO needs support, or that I'm not the person LO would be calling out for.

In terms of asking for the results, I would wait until she felt ready to disclose and on her terms. Heartbreaking news impacts everyone differently. Some people may need space to works things out in their minds, or desire to keep things private.

Wishing the best for your LO in this difficult time, and also wishing you the best too.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
peter.rabbit
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Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Sat Jul 10, 2021 11:32 pm My heart goes out to you Peter.
Not much support I can offer in way of advice other than allowing yourself some time to process any grief around not being the number one source of support for her.
That's the only thing that would get me down (in this moment other than hearing the result), is the fact that I'm not there when LO needs support, or that I'm not the person LO would be calling out for.

In terms of asking for the results, I would wait until she felt ready to disclose and on her terms. Heartbreaking news impacts everyone differently. Some people may need space to works things out in their minds, or desire to keep things private.

Wishing the best for your LO in this difficult time, and also wishing you the best too.
Thank you L-F. Should I text or call? Texting somehow feels shallow, but my emotions are not in good control, I don't know if I can do a phone call without displaying my very Limerent emotions.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
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Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

Peter, I can't tell you what to do because you have to live with the consequences.

I can only say what I'd do. I'd allow myself space to grieve because I know that something like this is likely to trigger past unresolved grief for various reasons.

But since you asked and only have two options. I'd wait until I saw her in person and then ask, and if not able to see her in person I would phone, and last but not least, I'd text.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
L-F
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Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

peter.rabbit wrote: Sat Jul 10, 2021 11:43 pm Thank you L-F. Should I text or call? Texting somehow feels shallow, but my emotions are not in good control, I don't know if I can do a phone call without displaying my very Limerent emotions.
Can you wait? Will you not be seeing her at your regular gym session?

If I was diagnosed with something major, I'd retreat into myself for a few days to digest the news and then only tell closest family members and ask they kept the news to themselves until I was ready to tell others.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
peter.rabbit
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Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Sun Jul 11, 2021 12:02 am
peter.rabbit wrote: Sat Jul 10, 2021 11:43 pm Thank you L-F. Should I text or call? Texting somehow feels shallow, but my emotions are not in good control, I don't know if I can do a phone call without displaying my very Limerent emotions.
Can you wait? Will you not be seeing her at your regular gym session?

If I was diagnosed with something major, I'd retreat into myself for a few days to digest the news and then only tell closest family members and ask they kept the news to themselves until I was ready to tell others.
Yeah, I guess I could, but we're on haitus for another 9 days, and her husband's biopsy results were 1-1/2 ago...
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
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Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

Oh, it's her husband's biopsy results.

Well then speak with him?
Scrap that... I recall you've never met him(?)

The only other thing I'd do is put myself in his shoes. How would you feel Peter is your wife had someone limerent for her and wanted to know your results?

My guess is you want to support her. Could this be part and parcel of also wanting to rescue? It's tough because of limerence getting in the way. If you had a platonic friendship then of course it's only natural to be concerned and want to support.

Maybe reflect upon what part of you is driving your request for knowledge?
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
peter.rabbit
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Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Sun Jul 11, 2021 1:11 am Oh it's her husband's biopsy results.

Well then speak with him?
I've only met him once, we got along well enough. At the request of his wife / my LO he helped me repair my house air conditioner, just last August. He made some comments ("she talks about you a lot")that I thought might indicate some jealousy, or at least some level of awareness of her and my friendship. My ears perked up when he(on 2 occasions) told me that he..."liked making love with my[his] wife". I was surprised, no man has ever spoken to me about making love with his wife. So, calling him or texting him might make him think that I'm some kind of vulture, waiting for him to die so I can swoop in and get his wife. I want him to to live long, she needs him, he deserves to enjoy his recent retirement. I don't want to see her become widowed, she needs the support and stability her husband gives.

Yeah, I am a hot mess...video previsit - Psychiatry...next Thursday.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
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Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

Aww Peter
I don't know what to say.
I feel for you while trying to balance friendship vs limerence.

Now that I have a different picture. If it were me, I'd offer my support to LO and take a step back letting LO call upon me if/when I was needed. I would be hyperboundaried and aware of my need to be a part of LOs life. It would sting if I wasn't called upon but out of respect, I wouldn't demand (any) of LOs precious time if indeed LOs SO has limited time. I would let LO make the calls. I'm sure if it was important for me to know, LO would tell me.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
peter.rabbit
Posts: 444
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Sun Jul 11, 2021 2:39 am Aww Peter
I don't know what to say.
I feel for you while trying to balance friendship vs limerence.

Now that I have a different picture. If it were me, I'd offer my support to LO and take a step back letting LO call upon me if/when I was needed. I would be hyperboundaried and aware of my need to be a part of LOs life. It would sting if I wasn't called upon but out of respect, I wouldn't demand (any) of LOs precious time if indeed LOs SO has limited time. I would let LO make the calls. I'm sure if it was important for me to know, LO would tell me.
Yes, I think that's the best course to take. Tomorrow I'll text or call(if I have the courage) and keep it simple...and have NO limerent expectations.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
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