BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

Approaching a sensitive subject

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Post Reply
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Mon Jul 26, 2021 2:46 pm Peter, I'm not talking about the 'consequences' of your actions, I'm referring to things you've learned about your self - what drives your limerence, etc. I know you are seeing someone, so hopefully they can help you to unpack it all. If in doubt, David might be an option?
After the disastrous LO/PA/marriage & divorce I was mostly viewing the "what happened" as a series of bad choices, and not as a malfunction in my emotional needs drive. With the present LE resembling the earlier event(less the PA) I began to look critically inward. while googling for answers I came across the Limerence definition, which just fit like a glove. Attachment issues- got 'em, all the other behavioral descriptors- got 'em all! Apparently low Serotonin plays a roll, along with the other OCD maladies.

I have another phone appointment with the LCSW, after that I think I can be seen in-person. She is not familiar with Limerence, is instead approaching this as a case of unmet needs from my SO. Sure, that does have merit, and is in fact true. But, that is not the whole story by any means. Getting back to Attachment Theory- like a ticking time bomb the unmet needs(I believe) is connected to the emotional distance with my mother. We were working on that, then cancer took her at age 53, when I was 22. I felt robbed then, as I still do now.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

peter.rabbit wrote: Mon Jul 26, 2021 10:02 pm Getting back to Attachment Theory- like a ticking time bomb the unmet needs(I believe) is connected to the emotional distance with my mother. We were working on that, then cancer took her at age 53, when I was 22. I felt robbed then, as I still do now.
Sorry to hear that Peter. You've obviously worked out a lot of things, hopefully your LCSW helps you go beyond SO, but then, you're pretty aware of the multitude of layers anyway. It is always good to have someone talk to. Even if you bring up stuff yourself to discuss.

My father lost his mother at a similar age and he too felt robbed. I guess he felt he was close but hadn't had the time to look beyond what he wanted to see. In short, he lost someone dear to him without seeing all the wounds created and passed on from his mother. He had no one to get angry at/angry with, which I feel is part of the healing.

Essentially, he's emotionally stunted. A womaniser. Abusive to all women. Told my mother that if they didn't have a vagina he wouldn't have anything to do with them. I imagine his anger towards women stems from his repressed and unaddressed anger towards his mother. At any rate, he hasn't and won't work on his issues. Instead, he blames everyone else.

But it is his life. The only shameful thing is that he never considered that his behaviour had an impact on his children's lives. Thankfully, I have expressed that repressed rage living inside of me with regards to my fathers damaging and toxic behaviour. That's why it's so important for limerents to heal so they can recreate healthier relationships with their children.

LO = woundmate.
Limerence = an opportunity to look at what's repressed,
And a chance to address it.
So as not to continue the cycle.

Well Peter, you're heading in the right direction.
I'm cheering from the sidelines!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by David »

peter.rabbit wrote: Mon Jul 26, 2021 10:02 pm She is not familiar with Limerence, is instead approaching this as a case of unmet needs from my SO.
Its not your SO's job to meet your needs. SO's may contribute / catalyse us getting limerence but its not the cause. Our unmet needs from childhood are the cause of limerence. Any other factors we dont fully understand.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

I don't think it's anyones job to meet our needs.
We have to learn to meet our own needs, and not in a narcissistic way.
Children are needy, but have to say, a needy adult doesn't look appealing (in my eyes).

My SO thinks I'm needy. He wants me to do EVERYTHING on my own so that he doesn't have to hit this nail, hang this picture, dig this hole, kill this spider,
etc... Thank gosh we share a sense of humour or we would have killed each other long ago! Love that man.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by AMA210 »

L-F wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 11:26 am I don't think it's anyones job to meet our needs.
We have to learn to meet our own needs, and not in a narcissistic way.
Children are needy, but have to say, a needy adult doesn't look appealing (in my eyes).

My SO thinks I'm needy. He wants me to do EVERYTHING on my own so that he doesn't have to hit this nail, hang this picture, dig this hole, kill this spider,
etc... Thank gosh we share a sense of humour or we would have killed each other long ago! Love that man.
Agreed and when we expect someone to do that, then it's just a set up for us and them to be disappointed. I've learned a lot about expectations over the years.
I always thought that men, in general, liked to do all of those pesky things, like hanging pictures, digging holes and killing spiders.

I also agree that needy adults are not appealing to me at all now. That always strikes me as strange because I used to be one. My ex is a classic people pleaser, bigot and bully. His mom is classic codependent and when they keep saying I'm sorry all of the time, it drives me insane and probably because I used to say that all of the time also.

We project so many of our unmet needs onto LO. One of the toughest is to not need the LO to feel better, and to learn how to self-soothe.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 12:26 pm His mom is classic codependent and when they keep saying I'm sorry all of the time, it drives me insane and probably because I used to say that all of the time also.
Maaaate... You need see where I live. It's a cultural thing. We bump into shopping trolley's and say sorry. We say sorry before we've had a chance to see what it is we've bumped in to, or even if someone bumps into us.
Seriously, we are known to say sorry all the time to everything. International friends can't believe how apologetic we are. They think we are too soft. I've actually had many people from overseas say the locals are strange (not just me).
AMA210 wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 12:26 pm I always thought that men, in general, liked to do all of those pesky things, like hanging pictures, digging holes and killing spiders.
=))
Awww I love this. I was being somewhat facetious in my post, but you are right, we do often make assumptions in general. The thing with us (SO & I), we joke around a LOT. We'd even joke about me needing him to kill a spider... Something like"you kill it"
"No you kill it!"
"What if I don't want to kill it?"
"Then put it outside"
"But it might come straight back in. In which case, you'll have to kill it"
"Right, give me dann shoe and I'll do it myself"

Next minute... We're laughing because it got bored with our banter and spidey-scuttled off.

AMA210 wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 12:26 pm We project so many of our unmet needs onto LO. One of the toughest is to not need the LO to feel better, and to learn how to self-soothe.
True. The best thing is to learn to love ourselves so that we feel complete without needing someone to complete us.

Have a beautiful day AMA! :ymhug:
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by peter.rabbit »

David wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 8:35 am
peter.rabbit wrote: Mon Jul 26, 2021 10:02 pm She is not familiar with Limerence, is instead approaching this as a case of unmet needs from my SO.
Its not your SO's job to meet your needs. SO's may contribute / catalyse us getting limerence but its not the cause. Our unmet needs from childhood are the cause of limerence. Any other factors we dont fully understand.
I believe I erred in using the term "unmet needs", didn't realize it to be a phrase used in psychiatry. reviewed the notes that the LCSW entered in my medical record, she did not use that term, and she did not enter her suggestion for action, which was to work on re-connecting with my SO. I guess I was defining "unmet needs" in my mind as the lack of sharing emotional + physical intimacy, engaging in life activities and such.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
Idiotic
Posts: 1978
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by Idiotic »

L-F wrote: Wed Jul 21, 2021 6:41 am
Crack up! Hey Idddyyyyyyy! :ymhug:

Hey LF good to see you around!
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

Idiotic wrote: Fri Aug 06, 2021 5:09 pm
Hey LF good to see you around!
How you going Iddy? Hope all is well (*)
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Approaching a sensitive subject

Post by L-F »

Hey Peter, how are things going now? Are you still keeping in touch woth LO and supporting her? I know you mentioned and your wife helping her with cats(?) or something in common? Anyway, just checking in with you to see if things have settled down into a routine and to how your sessions are going with your SW.

Hope things are well!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 17 guests