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Realising my SO also has an LO

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AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by AMA210 »

Spadge100 wrote: Mon Aug 09, 2021 8:33 am She’s really not one for forums, more of a bury her head in the sand and it will pass kind of person. I don’t know how much she thinks about the other man, and frankly at this stage don’t want to know and prefer it that she is busying herself with real life and trying to stay present.

I go away today with my kids for five days which scares me but I know I have to trust her as she knows the consequences if she strays. I have said at that point I will have to move out and separate, even temporarily. This appears to be the best advice in these situations if SO is stuck in the affair fog. Yes it may push them closer together but so be it.

If you love someone let them go; if it’s right they come back and if they don’t it never was
Hey Spadge,

I was thinking about your SO being on here also and that would just be too weird because that would put both of you here in the same place, unless she wouldn't know what your member name was. :|

It's good that you will be having time with your kids this week, but will be a balancing act between being present with them and enjoying the moments and overthinking about the situation with SO, what's going on, etc. This alone can drive you insane, but you have a choice in that, and honestly her actions/thoughts are completely out of your control anyway.
So, for now, I send you positivity!
It's also good that you have a back up plan. :)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

PS she wouldn’t come on here. Two very different approaches. One is it isn’t happening and try to see the good in everything where as my approach is to understand and analyse, clearly often too much!! 😃😃
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by virusbkk »

Spadge100 wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 8:19 am It was in parallel, and I think started around the same time as mine. All strange coincidences really as we both met with old college friends the same weekend.

It’s proving difficult as our approach to thinking is polar opposite. I am a massive overthinker and dwell way too much on the past. Especially the last year since limerence it has been a real struggle to live in the present.

My wife on the other hand is out of sight out of mind, so trying to talk about it brings that back to her, making her incredibly upset, remorseful and sick to the stomach.

I carry a knot in my stomach all day every day since discovering which I guess is normal.

I’m on the rollercoaster of rationality, I can understand it, don’t want more details, but obsess over the things I read, which thankfully wasn’t much. I don’t know his name and frankly don’t want to, it’s irrelevant information. Then the emotional side kicks in, makes me highly anxious and restless. Night time is the worst so I sleep to hypnosis.

We are trying to keep busy and do things together. We have agreed when together phones are a no-no and when we do use them we say who we are contacting.

Next week I am away with my kids which will be a real test but also give me some space away from it all at least physically.

Some advice re phone tracking. I don’t want to do it seeuptitiously but I understand the temptation to reach out is high, and have suggested to her we install trackers on our phones so we can both see what it’s used for. She is open to it.

Is this a step too far?
Has anyone considered or used any software for this on iPhones?

Thanks
Yes, your thinking does seem like polar opposites, but maybe the two of you can meet halfway.
Your SO could try to lean into the discomfort, to talk things through, while you could try not to overthink too much.

But, you are correct in saying that is tempting to fall back into the fantasy life, while your real life is presenting real challenges.
Either way, no easy answers.

Perhaps, some brief time away from each other will help filter out all the noise,
and gain some clarity.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Thanks virusbkk

I am actually away this week with the kids so hopefully that space helps. I want to avoid separating at this stage but make sure we have space away from each other to reduce the intensity of the situation.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 8:07 am Yes, your thinking does seem like polar opposites, but maybe the two of you can meet halfway.
Your SO could try to lean into the discomfort, to talk things through, while you could try not to overthink too much.
Best approach imo for either party.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Significant other »

Hi,Spadge100.How are you?I wish you the best.
In my opinion if someone has to leave home,It is the unfaithful.So I have raised it to my SO(L).They (our SOs) have broken the commitment, the exclusivity ...You have been honored.
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Significant other »

I love your description of "the ostrich technique."
My wife employs her too. And I fight through threats and deadlines, there's no other way forward.
She still doesn't know where she is ...
First meeting with her, during the last 7 weeks, to do "joint custody" :(her answer) -Yes to divorce, no to professional help (I demand a detailed explanation
of the EA / PA affair?, where, how, when, etc., without cracks, manipulations or half-truths).
Second, -No divorce ... for comfort, security (obviously not enough).
Third, today ...- Divorce, but at the same time demanding or ordering me and giving me,her opinion on things as if we were together .... A few hours later ....- No, a couple of weeks of reflection more .... my initial idea, especially because of her emotional situation (her mother, 82 years old, still vaccinated, has contracted Covid, mild at the moment ...)
How complicated!
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi Significant other

It sure is a minefield. I am now four weeks in from discovery. We have talked more in the last four weeks than ever and she is very remorseful and attentive.

It’s been hard that’s for sure. The intrusive thoughts are the worst but I know now enough of the story that I need to process it. I have certainly moved on from the what part of it all.

We had a therapy session but agreed it wasn’t for us. We bought a book which was very negative and seemed to come at it from a bitter persons perspective which isn’t what we want.

Instead we done a seven day free course on affairrecovery.com which was useful. Each morning we would do that days activity which helped get us talking. They then offer a paid 13 week course (about $70o dollars) which we may sign up for.

It talks about needing to keep an eye on the horizon as like getting out limerence, there are good and bad days to it but as long as the trajectory is up.

It remains to be seen if we make it. My hope is we do, I love her dearly we both just made a stupid mistake and let two people from our past into Us which is now mine (and I believe hers) biggest regret of our lives.

It’s still early days, I wish this sorry state of affairs had never been sort of our marriage but we might be able to sue it to our advantage and be stronger together because of it.

Take care all
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by IvB »

That sounds good, Spadge, that she is remorseful and how you are working on it and talking a lot. I really hope that it will help, keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi all

I would like to say it gets easier being on the receiving end of a PA but now a month in and it keeps hitting you. The intrusive thoughts are a killer. Days out bring back reminders when you were there before while it was going on.

I’m definitely at the angry stage of the grieving process. I have been pretty much gaslighted for a year now, hospitalised and believed I was bipolar, suffered with terrible guilt and shame over my brief EA, when really all I was missing was the love of my wife.

Somehow I still love her, but getting past this and getting the other side of it will take immense humility, love and courage not to throw in the towel.

If anyone out there is on the brink of an EA\PA stop and really think is it worth it? Trust me any short term gratification that is gained is massively outweighed by the damage that is caused. I am just thankful that we don’t have any kids together.
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