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Muy diary as SO:

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Significant other
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Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

My diary as SO:
After a long EA from my wife (20 months) and a separation of 2 and a half months, we met to decide our future as a couple. We have two daughters, one of whom is a teenager.
The separation was caused by my lack of confidence and her refusal to put us in treatment. I put an ultimatum: Either a psychologist (we try to fix ourselves) or a lawyer (divorce)
In the first conversation, on Monday, I got an unexpected solution, to continue together but without help. I got very angry I had to move 3 or 4 meters away to be able to scream.
It's not the right thing to do of course, but let me vent. I feel like I've gotten over the anger phase. This is how we dealt with it yesterday in my individual therapy.
To the point that I've come home and accepted his offer.
However she wants all the power, she tries to castrate me psychologically. (*)
She tries to impose conditions on me that I don't see as directly involved in the relationship:
Be more orderly in my schedules (even when we are not together or in the care of the family ...).
Change my personality (not be so impulsive).
That I call my oldest daughter more often, who is studying abroad ... etc ...(**)
When it's my turn to demand:
Do not question the continuity of the relationship again by any small argument
Let wear her wedding ring all the time, like me, to show fidelity.
She also makes objections but ends up saying that I am the one who has to submit and that my conditions will be obtained when I win them.
I hold (helped by my therapist)
that she is there is not the way. We have to expose our needs of the other, not impose them, assume them and try to satisfy them.
This ended with another lurch of her, now divorce again. (What lability!)
Despite the bitter arguments, I am determined to save the marriage.

We have to be patient, I do.
The most interesting thing was the session with the psychologist, a good professional.
We clarify my position (divorce, separation or continuation), why, what are my feelings towards my wife.
We work on my primary demand: to be able to pass the anger phase, perhaps the most interesting.

-First, it will be impossible to get more information from the EA (I finally assume, after different people have told me, like 7 times .....).
The information I obtained, on Monday, was the recognition as Affair and that he is overcome (he has been looking for what he did not get from me, outside. He has fantasized about falling in love with LO even knowing the impossibility). In reality it is not little. But I had to push to the maximum, to the limit, but he neither regrets nor asks for forgiveness, because there has been nothing ...
Of course, I also insisted on knowing details about whether or not there was something physical, kisses, etc ... There the answer was always categorical: No.
(**)muy n
-Second from now on, I am going to think of LO, as a ghost, something immaterial, imagined, a substitute for the Other ...
Now that I write about this, the graph of desire comes to mind (Lacan)
The phantom phase in obsessions ..... Everything fits. Really magnificent association ....
(*) Regarding the castration of the Other, it is related to histrionic and / or narcissistic traits (?).
(**)my neglectful behavior is clearly exacerbated by my adaptive anxiety disorder
AMA210
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by AMA210 »

@Significant Other: "Be more orderly in my schedules (even when we are not together or in the care of the family Change my personality (not be so impulsive).
That I call my oldest daughter more often, who is studying abroad ... etc ...(**)
When it's my turn to demand:
Do not question the continuity of the relationship again by any small argument
Let wear her wedding ring all the time, like me, to show fidelity.
She also makes objections but ends up saying that I am the one who has to submit and that my conditions will be obtained when I win them.
I hold (helped by my therapist)
that she is there is not the way. We have to expose our needs of the other, not impose them, assume them and try to satisfy them."

I was a bit confused by the thread title, but assume that the first several items above refer to what is expected of you from the SO.
From this text, I think she is trying to control and change you in a way that you don't want. No one can change anyone else no matter how much effort there is.
Part of my experience reflects yours, in that I initiated the divorce and my ex went along with it (blindly at times, as was easier to just throw away 28 years of marriage than to put in any effort in to save it). That was his choice and I had to respect it. So, from the point of making that decision to going through it to the very end, took 5 months. Our daughter was 14 at the time and I went through the awful disconnection/anger/hate she had towards me for leaving. It took over two years for us to have an actual relationship, and also by being around dad helped her to understand why I had to leave.
Getting divorced is not the end of the world - it's a difficult experience, yes, but there is healing that comes in from it, and presents an opportunity to have a new beginning on a personal level.
Best to you in navigating these turbulent waters.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Significant other
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

Thanks a lot Ama210.It's very hard if we are talking about my only serious love experience in my life.
The confusion of my wife ,make me crazy.Yesterday,- we try again,today -divorce....
The emocional lability ( or better ,the inmaturity) is incredible when we are 53 years old....

I feel like a mouse in a Pavlov maze.
Any movement leads to a shock.
Every time my suspicion of provocation - out of cowardice - of forcing me to make the divorce decision on the part of my wife, seems more plausible. So her conscience will be calm. But she was the traitor, no matter how much she tried to make up.
All this, in the end it does not matter, I do not intend to refuse, but I will not ask for a divorce.
I have understood and forgiven hers LE extent reading this great forum. Unfortunately for her, without treatment, more LOs and more suffering will come. I can do nothing but watch the ship capsize.
I will continue to focus on myself, to learn from the experience and mature. I hope it will serve me for healthier future relationships. I must also thank her for helping me grow, the time shared, and the magnificent and selfless work done in the education of our daughters , for me it was not as disastrous as for her.
Head high and stare straight ahead.
As one of the best rock'n'roll songs says: November Rain, Guns & roses ...". You are not the only one."
Let's turn the page.
On the other hand, if one partner does not want to and the other doubts, it is assumed that there is hope ..... but I see it impossible without professional help. I have cried enough.
Significant other
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

Update this morning, third or fourth change of opinion of my partner in 4 days: We try It again ...
How we like to complicate our lives A little salt and pepper Hahaha Total madness
We are the classic hysterical couple + obsessive neurotic, with or without you .... another song.
Significant other
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

Well naturally, now comes my wife's guilt / shame stage.
She is very upset for having spread me, breaking the intimacy of the couple. Funny.
Having not obtained any credible clarification of her matter, not even in front of our former psychologist, after having sued her countless times, I have discussed my situation with family, friends and co-workers, it was the only way to take the pressure off my head, it actually made me feel really good.
Down to the earthly world, very hard.
I feel very strong, she notices it, I suppose that deep down it is what she is looking for.
I finally see the fruits of so long suffering, I am very proud of myself.
As of yesterday, after deciding both to continue with the marriage, a new window of bilateral intimacy opens.
It is clear that participating in this forum, being anonymous, does not break this agreement.
AMA210
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by AMA210 »

Thanks for the updates.
Yep, totally U2 - With or Without You.
That song took me through so many tears and anguish.
Sadly, has never applied to the ex-SO, only the LO.
Hoping for positive progress for you. :)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Significant other
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

Thanks a lot Ama210.I wish You the best.

For your information, my wife's limerence has lasted for about 2 years.
When talking to me about impossible fantasy, I assume that it's overcome.She has been NC for 7 months, and without looking at her profile (far as I know, from Telegram, about 7 months).
But the totally recovery is long away.
Last night, we gave a good dose of reality to her negative projections towards me as SO "nuisance". Or as a "fused" couple of a hysteric ("You are nothing but what I am")
We have also worked on ours obsessive aspects such as sadism, provocations, games of power
,etc...
It is one of the few rare times that I have felt more mature than her.
Of course then you have to forgive and downplay the discussions and take them as a good lesson, not as a step backwards.
She,cries and I tell her that I love her,give her a few kisses on her face a strong hug and caresses .... how I missed It!
It is also remarkable that my wife, by leaving her my phone ,has discovered LO's profile (the tables are turned) and that protectionist feeling that you have,limerents, for the LOs .... "- You will not have called him, and told nothing? poor man!!!!! "
AMA210
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by AMA210 »

Thanks, Significant, for the good wishes - much appreciated!

You are correct in noting the fierce protectiveness around the LO...nothing compares to it, and still trying to figure out where that originates. It must somehow relate to childhood - either feeling a lack of that as a child or too much of that leading to smothering. I was greatly overprotected as a child, and prevented from doing many activities, in order to stay safe and not be hurt. Example of not being allowed to go rollerskating because I might break a leg or arm.

I hope to figure this out eventually, as it still impacts me currently, with having that need to know that LO is ok.
Any insights?
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Significant other
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

Ama210, what I did was counter-argue on two fronts:
-Poor man, LO? If someone has suffered here, those are you (DW) and I. Not directly because of his responsibility but of course he has not helped us at all
-LO, is a ghost, as you well said, product of your fantasy. It is not as perfect as you would like. You have to minimize its importance.

In a later speech, my wife said: "-... I'm still with you out of compassion, because I don't see you capable of living alone and taking good care of our daughters, I'm scared". Then I answered, "- It's very curious, everyone makes you sad: LO, I ... you should seriously consider founding an NGO "
(non-governmental charity)
AMA210
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by AMA210 »

Significant other wrote: Mon Sep 13, 2021 8:36 am Ama210, what I did was counter-argue on two fronts:
-Poor man, LO? If someone has suffered here, those are you (DW) and I. Not directly because of his responsibility but of course he has not helped us at all
-LO, is a ghost, as you well said, product of your fantasy. It is not as perfect as you would like. You have to minimize its importance.

In a later speech, my wife said: "-... I'm still with you out of compassion, because I don't see you capable of living alone and taking good care of our daughters, I'm scared". Then I answered, "- It's very curious, everyone makes you sad: LO, I ... you should seriously consider founding an NGO "
(non-governmental charity)
Thanks, SO, for the reply.
I am not quite sure if you intended to use the reference point of "not being capable of living alone..." as applying to my need to know that LO is ok, or not. But, putting it to that context, I thought about this, and it isn't that. The only way to describe this is by comparing it to the need to know that your child is ok. It has a more parental feel to it. Those of us with children have that mama bear/papa bear instinct that kicks in and we will vehemently put ourselves in front of any threat towards the child. The same applies to LO.

I can't believe that your wife actually said that to you - "I don't see you capable of living alone and taking good care of our daughters." If my ex-husband had said this to me, I would have interpreted it as a direct insult. This statement alone would push me to prove that wrong, and IMO, is a harsh judgment to put on someone, especially if that someone is your partner.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
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