NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

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AMA210
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NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

I can say with certainty that the only time I have had NC with LO is before I met him and I'm fairly sure that this doesn't count! :-s
There was one time that counts and that stands at six weeks!

In the past two months, I have done a lot of work on detaching and I feel to a great extent that there has been a "bandaid" on my wounded heart. It is trying to heal and yet I continue to fiddle with it, peel a corner back, and recently, just rip the damn thing off.

I literally cannot get past a week now and if I feel any kind of disconnection from him, it sends me into a panic mode and I have finally figured out why I have to continue to make sure that he is ok, as indicated by the location of his work truck. This is insanity. It's really not about him being ok, but rather, it's about me having to know that he is still there physically, and that he will not leave. This is about my abandonment issues, which surprises me because I thought I was done with all of that healing. I am not done.

I've been doing some reading on borderline personality disorder and it kind of fits. This continues to trigger childhood trauma around being left behind. When I was naughty or had a temper tantrum, my mom would just leave the house and I didn't know when or if she would come back. Of course, I was the cause of her leaving, and I don't understand why she couldn't just say I'm going for a walk" or "I will be back later."
I recall one specific Sunday evening when she left unexpectedly and hadn't returned in over four hours and I was in a panic because she always helped with bath time and washed my hair. She wasn't there to do it and I didn't know if she would ever come back to do it again.

So, I think if LO leaves that school, it will be my fault because I didn't help him enough or love him enough. This week, I am working on detaching and found some online resources and a workbook to start healing this.

Yesterday, I was looking on Pinterest, which is something I rarely do, and there was a pin posted that really struck me. The poster's first name was same as LO, and above that, was a photo of a white t-shirt that said "No Future". I stared at this for a long time and had never seen anything like it before. When I closed the app, I already knew that it isn't possible that we could be together, as he has not changed at all, but seeing that in black and white really cemented it in my mind, and I believe it was there for a reason.

When I think about him not being there or not seeing him anymore, it is terrifying. So, this is where I'm at right now, but I'm hoping that the more I work with detaching, the better.

Thanks for reading.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
IvB
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by IvB »

I am sorry I, Ama, I know what you feel. I check several times a day if he's been online on some apps, just to see if he is ok. I am just lucky that he left our company and it's been a year I haven't seen him. Not looking at his pics helps. I managed 3 weeks of NC, my record. Do you see him personally often, on the street etc? I hope you can do something about it soon :( I also could not imagine a world in which I would never see him again but after the 1 year I would be more scared if I actually was to see him. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder but I am still worried about his wellbeing, that good carer and saviour and codependent that I am.
AMA210
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

IvB wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 6:56 pm I am sorry I, Ama, I know what you feel. I check several times a day if he's been online on some apps, just to see if he is ok. I am just lucky that he left our company and it's been a year I haven't seen him. Not looking at his pics helps. I managed 3 weeks of NC, my record. Do you see him personally often, on the street etc? I hope you can do something about it soon :( I also could not imagine a world in which I would never see him again but after the 1 year I would be more scared if I actually was to see him. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder but I am still worried about his wellbeing, that good carer and saviour and codependent that I am.
Thanks, IvB, for sharing.
I continue to see him at the school, in his truck, etc. I believe this partially due to thinking about it too much and then it comes into my reality (manifestation).
Seeing that image yesterday really had a big impact on me. From that, I decided that I will not drive by the school to check if he is still there for three days in a row this week. Today was a success! :ymparty:
For a while, I had allowed myself to drive by on the weekend when no one is there and then refrain during the week, but had very limited success with that. It really comes down to one day at a time, one hour at a time, and so my goal for this week is to practice detachment.

Sometimes I hate to admit all of this here, being that it's been such a long time for me, but the struggle is still very real, and dumping it here, and getting feedback on it, is very helpful.

Fortunately he isn't on any SM and his SO's Facebook page hasn't had any updates since Father's Day, and that was the first pic I had ever seen that wasn't with his daughter, just the dog. I know that there is a lot of crap going on with that now, which makes it harder for me, in some respects, because I know that if he ever was divorced, it still would never work, period.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
IvB
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by IvB »

Logically knowing we can't be together, it would not even work, doesn't help...are you planning on moving out once your daughter is on her own? I really think not seeing him would help the most.
AMA210
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

IvB wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 9:34 pm Logically knowing we can't be together, it would not even work, doesn't help...are you planning on moving out once your daughter is on her own? I really think not seeing him would help the most.
I am considering that, but that will be in 2 more years, minimum.
Today, I did think about the possibility of trying to manifest that he get a different job and so at least, that burden of physically seeing him would be gone.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
shoegazer
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by shoegazer »

AMA210 wrote: Tue Oct 12, 2021 1:01 am
IvB wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 9:34 pm Logically knowing we can't be together, it would not even work, doesn't help...are you planning on moving out once your daughter is on her own? I really think not seeing him would help the most.
I am considering that, but that will be in 2 more years, minimum.
Today, I did think about the possibility of trying to manifest that he get a different job and so at least, that burden of physically seeing him would be gone.
I've never been more grateful that my LO is a thousand miles away than I am after reading your post and some others. I can't imagine what that would be like. But I like your idea of willing him to a new job. Genius!
DreamingBlue
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by DreamingBlue »

Thanks for sharing that. The stories of when you were little just break my heart.

I hope you have enough other connections in your life that you don’t feel the need to keep going back to the well
of the past to repair it.

As you know from my posts I completely understand about your need to check to be sure. My fingers are hovering again, so ready to check to see how she is doing, even with the very real possibility of that hurting me, even setting me back.

We cannot place our trust in our emotions for this issue. The emotion BEHIND it all, your fear of abandonment, my need to be desired and admired, those emotions are real. But the feeling that they are the panacea for all these types of pains, that is a bullshit feeling that we have to call out.

They are not worthy, they are not all our brain chemicals are telling us they are. There’s no way.
Spadge100
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi AMA

It’s those little dopamine hits the body craves so much that habits are hard to break.

I am a year in NC now and really I don’t think about her at all. A passing thought and I now love the fact that we won’t be in each other’s lives. The switch has flipped for me.

Now I just hope my wife’s affair fog lifts too so we can work on repairing the damage we both done by living in fantasy land for so long. But if we can’t get Us back then we will follow our separate paths I guess. The good thing is neither of us wants that so taking the easy way out of separating and working through it is my current focus.
AMA210
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

DreamingBlue wrote: Tue Oct 12, 2021 5:11 am Thanks for sharing that. The stories of when you were little just break my heart.

I hope you have enough other connections in your life that you don’t feel the need to keep going back to the well
of the past to repair it.

As you know from my posts I completely understand about your need to check to be sure. My fingers are hovering again, so ready to check to see how she is doing, even with the very real possibility of that hurting me, even setting me back.

We cannot place our trust in our emotions for this issue. The emotion BEHIND it all, your fear of abandonment, my need to be desired and admired, those emotions are real. But the feeling that they are the panacea for all these types of pains, that is a bullshit feeling that we have to call out.

They are not worthy, they are not all our brain chemicals are telling us they are. There’s no way.
Thanks, DB.
Thankfully, I do have much healthier connections, that are equal give and take, and perhaps it is within those, that I am able to truly see the toxicity that LO brought. I'm currently reading a few books about cognitive dissonance and the strong trauma bonds that exist. It's taken down to a biochemical level and suggesting that the brain chemistry is actually changed with repeated trauma, and has virtually nothing to do with willpower. The more I read, the clearer it gets.

I think the checking is really about us. I couldn't figure this out for the longest time. I'm going to challenge you to do some digging into your past and/or keep asking yourself why you need that. I was hyper-aware of how I felt after I saw that the truck was moved. It was relief, nothing more, nothing less. Absolute relief that he was still there and that he didn't leave me.

It's interesting to note that I don't have this with the ex-SO. Although, I had been left behind a lot during those years, and I think just reached a point of numbness, so there was no way that this would have even been triggered by the ex, let alone being a catalyst for healing. It had to be someone else, namely LO, who triggered this so intensely within me and was evident from the very beginning, so in a sense, he brought me back to life--ok, more like electrified the hell out of me, but I was literally forced to feel again and express emotion.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
AMA210
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

Spadge100 wrote: Tue Oct 12, 2021 9:05 am Hi AMA

It’s those little dopamine hits the body craves so much that habits are hard to break.

I am a year in NC now and really I don’t think about her at all. A passing thought and I now love the fact that we won’t be in each other’s lives. The switch has flipped for me.

Now I just hope my wife’s affair fog lifts too so we can work on repairing the damage we both done by living in fantasy land for so long. But if we can’t get Us back then we will follow our separate paths I guess. The good thing is neither of us wants that so taking the easy way out of separating and working through it is my current focus.
Hi Spadge,

Good to hear that you are making progress towards resolving the situation. It does take a lot of time and effort to sort it all out, but wanting to work it out rather than separating is a good start!
:)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
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