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My LO asked me to coffee

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Risingtothetop2
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by Risingtothetop2 »

Yes, my husband and i talk openly about all of our friendshios. My husband has a female friend that is married and very accomplished in her field. She’s very attractive and friendly and when he’s attending conferences they meet for drinks and conversation. I don’t have any concerns or threatening feelings at all about this. I think my husband appreciates my openness about this issue as i do.
L-F
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by L-F »

Risingtothetop2 wrote: Thu Dec 30, 2021 10:04 pm Yes, my husband and i talk openly about all of our friendshios. My husband has a female friend that is married and very accomplished in her field. She’s very attractive and friendly and when he’s attending conferences they meet for drinks and conversation. I don’t have any concerns or threatening feelings at all about this. I think my husband appreciates my openness about this issue as i do.
Well there's no issue then.
:)

Sounds like it is what it is and I'm glad everything is okay in this department.
Do you mind me asking how you ended up here? I'm genuinely interested that is. I mean, we all end up here because we're struggling to come to grips with what limerence is and how we can overcome it, but I'm curious to know if going for coffee with a male friend has become more, well, limerenty?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Risingtothetop2
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Dec 29, 2021 12:37 pm
Gender:
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by Risingtothetop2 »

Well, I think my 15 year male married friend I last asked to go biking with that I have an attraction to and he me, but we also have talked about it openly. I care for this persons welfare and want to see him succeed with all things in his life. I think about him often but in a way that I wish he could have introduced me to his family and we could have all been aquantances We discussed our attractions to each other but laughed pretty hard at ourselves in the process. I think humor helps. But, he clearly sees his wife as not being okay with a bike ride or coffee so that’s why I joined this group. So, being open and having a conversation is the first step. I am disappointed that we can’t be closer friends but completely understand and respect his position. I don’t have those “I’m going to be with this person” fantasy. I just wanted to be friends. In retrospect despite plans to stay in touch he ghosted me. So, I guess he might have been limerent for me?
L-F
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by L-F »

Ah I see.
Risingtothetop2 wrote: Fri Dec 31, 2021 11:34 am So, I guess he might have been limerent for me?
Quite possibly.
Risingtothetop2 wrote: Fri Dec 31, 2021 11:34 am I don’t have those “I’m going to be with this person” fantasy. I just wanted to be friends.
At this point you're not limerent. But if he was, then as an LO I'd question the weird dance already going on on a subconscious level, between you and him.
You're in a great position to learn more about yourself if you choose to.

Limerence is a dance between the person triggering and the person triggered, all on a subconscious level. It's here we get to dig deep to learn about ourselves rather than them. On the surface, it all looks perfectly fine. On the surface.

You mentioned "we also have talked about it openly", my question is, have you discussed this mutual attraction openly with your spouse? And he his? Talking openly between each other doesn't count because its our significant others that we (in general) need to be open with. That's when we know relationship boundaries haven't been violated.

Risingtothetop2 wrote: Fri Dec 31, 2021 11:34 am I am disappointed that we can’t be closer friends but completely understand and respect his position.
From my perspective, that's a very good choice. In order to honour his well-being (you mentioned you wish him well in all aspects of life), staying away in order for him to have a happy marriage is on point. That's being respectful to his marriage. Anything else would be considered 'meddling'.

I understand you may feel like you've lost a good friend. Probably best to let him go and find someone else to go biking with, perhaps someone you're not likely to find attractive and vice versa? It's your choice. I think you're being very kind and understanding coming here to learn more.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Risingtothetop2
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by Risingtothetop2 »

Very helpful here to have your response. So yes, this friend is 11 years younger than me and I’ve known him for 15 years. My husband knows that I like this person and find him attractive but he’s not threatened by this in the least. He’s teased me about it before because we both know it’s just attraction. Interestingly, my husband and I have driven by this friends house and stopped to say hi when we’ve seen him out doing work in his yard. This friend has stoped in to our farm once before “just to say hi” and all was reciprocated. So every once in a while (years in some cases) this friend would text and ask how things were going to “catch up”. It all felt just like a very kind, reciprocated friendship.

When I requested this time with him we talked about this mild infatuation and we seriously laughed ourselves silly. I was trying to be an upstanding, kind, and true friend. I told him that it was confusing and difficult to go years with random contact and that it was hurtful sometimes because I do, or did care about his welfare. This family is upstanding in our community, church going in fact so my thought was they were appropriate to try to be social with.

Thoughts?
L-F
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by L-F »

Risingtothetop2 wrote: Sat Jan 01, 2022 12:32 am Thoughts?
That's a dangerous question. I'm full of thoughts. Something I'm trying to reduce.

Not reading too deeply, I couldn't help but think "what is troubling RTTT2?" It's not clear. You're not limerent and you're not sure if he is.

I couldn't help read the below several times. It popped up like a red flag.
Risingtothetop2 wrote: Sat Jan 01, 2022 12:32 am I was trying to be an upstanding, kind, and true friend. I told him that it was confusing and difficult to go years with random contact and that it was hurtful sometimes because I do, or did care about his welfare.
When we put conditions on any friendship, it takes away the genuineness and steps into wanting 'unmet needs' met. What exactly is his friendship providing you that you can't get from your spouse? Or from female friends? Adoration?

Two things pop up for me when it comes to limerence: 1. Ego, 2. Unmet needs. Ego strokes are what lead people into becoming limerent because it also taps into unmet needs. In my opinion.

But. I'm still perplexed by your situation because it's not clear cut. Could it be that you both enjoyed an alterous attraction (one where it is neither platonic or romantic)?

I found it interesting that you wanted to get to know his family. Please don't take this the wrong way, are you wanting to mother him in any way? Take him under your wing?

I don't think the age difference, overall, makes much difference.

When you said there was an 'attraction', was it sexual in nature?

I'm really struggling to see where the issue is.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by David »

I am finding this thread fascinating as it touches on the complexities of issues that can be quite subtle.

If I were working with a client on an individual one-to-one basis one of The areas I would be curious about is how sexually satisfied both you and your husband are? How open are your conversations about your sexuality between you and your husband?.

I’m not for a moment asking these questions directly of you here because they are deeply personal and this is not an appropriate place for somebody to start expanding in such an area.

I also am curious about the desire to meet his family and some aspects of what I would potentially be thinking is rescuing, which is part of the drama Triangle. This is an important part of the limerence dance which plays out in all dysfunctional relationships, and let’s face it many relationships are dysfunctional.

LF has already fed back pretty much how I would’ve fed back.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Risingtothetop2
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Joined: Wed Dec 29, 2021 12:37 pm
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by Risingtothetop2 »

First, my experience with any relationship being friend, or spouse is that there are expectations of reciprocated anticipated communication. No, there were no subtle intentions to mother him. I just wanted to meet his family. Know his wife and kids. Why is that suspicious?

I guess I will always be left wondering what the heck happened here with this guy. Primarily, I am hurt that someone would ghost me without any goodbye. That’s pretty hurtful. But, it now makes me think this guy is not the person I thought he was and that was the reason I joined. I don’t understand behavior like ghosting. I was trying to figure out if he was L. But honesty, I think he’s just an asshole now. I’ve lost respect for him.

Thanks for your feedback. I really wanted to understand behavior like this. Some of it I don’t agree with but some of it may indeed apply to this guy. I’ll never know. But, at least I don’t have to take it personal now.
L-F
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by L-F »

Risingtothetop2 wrote: Sat Jan 01, 2022 11:48 am But, at least I don’t have to take it personal now.
Never take it personally. His behavior is for him to own. It's potentially a mixed bag of projections, possible unhealed trauma and all that wonderful subconscious stuff we carry. Yes, he was an a-hole for ghosting, there's no need for that.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Risingtothetop2
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Dec 29, 2021 12:37 pm
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Re: My LO asked me to coffee

Post by Risingtothetop2 »

Thanks for the insights here. I really appreciate it.
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