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OCDlimerent wrote: ↑Sun Feb 13, 2022 1:49 pm
And that’s not enough for me.
Have you talked to your wife about this? Is this something you can bring up? Could you ask for an open marriage?
When one partner wants sex but doesn't give or get it, I believe the other partner is in the exact same boat. We always think it's one sided. Attraction to each other ebbs and flows and in my opinion, is part and parcel of growing old together. Some people can't tolerate their partner growing old hence swapping them out for younger and younger partners, or wealthier partners, or whatever it is they can't tolerate in themselves. But, as mentioned, if we learn to weather the storms (all relationships experience storms), love starts becoming unconditional (not based on conditions such as appearances, etc). I'm not talking about tolerating abuse though, that's a different subject.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F wrote: ↑Sun Feb 13, 2022 9:26 am
Hey OCDL, I had to look her up. Never heard of her.
So my initial response was ‘you’ve never heard of her?! But she’s so gorgeous, and talented, and amazing, and perfect… and when you looked her up, why did you not say ‘my God she’s so hot, I totally get what you’re talking about’?!
Gurrrrl! Give me a butch dyke anyday! Heck, I was even weirdly attracted to Janey Jacké in this segment. https://youtu.be/Gy-3SwEIPtM
It doesn't matter who you are attracted to. Some people are limerent for inanimate objects. It's the fact we're limerent. Which is something we can thankfully laugh and cry about on here.
Can I ask if you are pained by your obsession? Or rather, what part is upsetting to you?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
I'm aware that passion fades; I've read it's usually in the second year. My mom was telling me that's common in marriages. However, my situation is a bit complicated due to bipolar. It's common for bipolarss to "fall in love" & begin relationships while manic or hypomanic. This is what I did. We also had sex on the first date & were a couple within a week.
I was happy to find someone with compatible tastes & interests so this is a big plus. He is also supportive; which is pretty essential & hard to find I'd you're mentally ill.
I've told myself a few times I need to break up because I cheated while manic (we get hypersexual but I kept it going) because it was unfair & shitty to do that. But I'm almost positive he would not have a partner without me ( he hadn't had one in 20 years) and I just can't be alone ( Even though we live apart) . Dating at 56 is hard & it destabilized me. Solitude also destabilized me & makes me depressed.
Because there are also positives I stay but there are negatives (no sex & he is a hoarder & won't get help)
I have had dissatisfaction for several years but I'm pretty much settled. I plan on working on my relationship but there are personality issues that aren't likely to change. I think my limerance is starting to fade (or is in remission lol)
But we'll see.
But I totally agree with your point
OCDLimerent: If there is no interaction with her, I don't think we can speak of authentic Limerence, as a "toxic" type of relationship. How do you get that dopamine rush, and those lows, if you don't receive the slightest signal, real or imagined, of reciprocity? ? It's just a fantasy, an escape, an obsession... If you know it's impossible... Why do you let yourself go? What do you lack? What do you want? What scares you? You talk about its youth, beauty, brightness, versatility, etc...
Zsababy wrote: ↑Mon Feb 14, 2022 8:58 am
Sorry to make it about me but I thought L-Fs comment was for both of us
It's all good anyone can answer. It must be difficult trying to find that middle ground. If you don't mind sharing, are you aware of when you're up, and when you are down? And are there strategies for managing these times? Basically, I'm curious to know if reflective self-talk helps. Of course you don't have to answer. limerence on top of these highs and lows must make things more difficult to navigate.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
OCDlimerent wrote: ↑Sun Feb 13, 2022 1:49 pm
And that’s not enough for me.
Have you talked to your wife about this? Is this something you can bring up? Could you ask for an open marriage?
When one partner wants sex but doesn't give or get it, I believe the other partner is in the exact same boat. We always think it's one sided. Attraction to each other ebbs and flows and in my opinion, is part and parcel of growing old together. Some people can't tolerate their partner growing old hence swapping them out for younger and younger partners, or wealthier partners, or whatever it is they can't tolerate in themselves. But, as mentioned, if we learn to weather the storms (all relationships experience storms), love starts becoming unconditional (not based on conditions such as appearances, etc). I'm not talking about tolerating abuse though, that's a different subject.
Yes she’s aware of how I feel but there’s always some kind of excuse. I wouldn’t want an open marriage.
L-F wrote: ↑Sun Feb 13, 2022 9:26 am
Hey OCDL, I had to look her up. Never heard of her.
So my initial response was ‘you’ve never heard of her?! But she’s so gorgeous, and talented, and amazing, and perfect… and when you looked her up, why did you not say ‘my God she’s so hot, I totally get what you’re talking about’?!
Gurrrrl! Give me a butch dyke anyday! Heck, I was even weirdly attracted to Janey Jacké in this segment. https://youtu.be/Gy-3SwEIPtM
It doesn't matter who you are attracted to. Some people are limerent for inanimate objects. It's the fact we're limerent. Which is something we can thankfully laugh and cry about on here.
Can I ask if you are pained by your obsession? Or rather, what part is upsetting to you?
It’s just kind of tortuous I guess, feeling unable to stop thinking about someone, constantly looking them up online and staring at their photos feeling like they’re the most beautiful, amazing person in the world.
Significant other wrote: ↑Mon Feb 14, 2022 9:56 am
OCDLimerent: If there is no interaction with her, I don't think we can speak of authentic Limerence, as a "toxic" type of relationship. How do you get that dopamine rush, and those lows, if you don't receive the slightest signal, real or imagined, of reciprocity? ? It's just a fantasy, an escape, an obsession... If you know it's impossible... Why do you let yourself go? What do you lack? What do you want? What scares you? You talk about its youth, beauty, brightness, versatility, etc...
Well you could be right but others here have said they have a celebrity LO and when I looked it up online people seemed to suggest that it’s possible. I guess it all depends on how you define limerence.
but I thought L-Fs comment was for both of us
anyone can answer. It must be difficult trying to find that middle ground. If you don't mind sharing, are you aware of when you're up, and when you are down? And are there strategies for managing these times? Basically, I'm curious to know if reflective self-talk helps. Of course you don't have to answer. limerence on top of these highs and lows must make things more difficult to navigate.