BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

Should I leave my job

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
JohnyJo
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2022 12:39 pm
Gender:
Age: 41
Switzerland

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by JohnyJo »

Hello Marksmagic,

The situation you are in is actually far more common in the working environment, than it is acknowledged. It is rarely spoken about, but it often happens, as we spend our time with other people and get attracted to. And some of us are more sensitive to these feelings than others, disclose, and the result is either an 1) affair, 2) unrequited love or 3) she may have the feelings for your but rejects them and rejects you.

I am in a very similar situation as you and had been for over 2 years and know this feeling very well. All options are emotionally and mentally undesirable and debilitating. I have friends who have been in all three situation (not the same person) and all admitted how each situation is unpleasant in the long term, unwanted and damaging. If you manage to have an affair, which is probably what we most want, you develop guilt for because you are in a relationship, anxiety that it will be found out, you will separate yourself from your family and make your kids distancing from you as you will not be there for them. Unrequited love causes you to doubt yourself, throw yourself in a pity and cause you to be sad. The 3rd option is probably the hardest one. You doubt your own judgement, you do not know if you have an erotomania or if she is just hiding her feelings - the more you push on her, the more distant and rejective she becomes. Women behave that way and you develop depression or worse.

Leaving your job and cutting contact to this person is the most reasonable and effective way how to get out from this state and how you can become happy and stable again. It is not an extreme solution and you are not week if you do that. On the contrary - changing your job shows that you are strong individual with other options. Just find a new job before doing so. Everyone who was in this situation and changed the job confirmed that this was a good action.

Forget about developing friendship with that person. Before that can happen you both need to be in NC for a couple of years, otherwise it will not happen. And the contact really has to be NC. Even if you do everything right, it is not guaranteed that the friendship will evolve. I was infatuated 3 times before now and have this friendship relationship with one person out of all - we are friends, yet we hardly even write ourselves. The good thing is that I do not desire any of the previous LOs.
Stanfi
Posts: 49
Joined: Sun Apr 17, 2022 1:19 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by Stanfi »

Mark

Some good advice already posted on this thread. That is a tough situation. Working with your LO. They say it is never good to make big decisions while under emotional distress. Quitting a job is a pretty big decision. But quitting may be what has to be done to relieve the distress.

You mentioned that she thought it was extreme when you mentioned relocating. She might not know the term limerence. However If she has ever had the experience then she would understood your need to distance yourself. That was one of Dorothy Tennov’s interesting finds. Not everyone is susceptible to limerence and in fact the entire concept is unimaginable to them. You LO may fall into this category.

At the end of the day you have to distance yourself from her. Maybe you can do it where you work or if not you may need to change jobs. It takes just pure will power and is far from easy because what you have to do is complete opposite of what you want. I’m sure you realize it but this situation is leading to a huge train wreck. Problems at work. Your marriage. If she is married her marriage. Limerence is often described as an addiction. That is a good way to describe it. With many addicts the addiction destroys their life and everyone in close contact with them. A Same can happen with a limerence situation.
“Don’t ask me about the years I spent out in the rain. About the one I spent in love or the ones I spent insane. I told that was a long time ago. “ - Waylon Jennings.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by Zsababy »

If you're not really attached to your job & it's easy to replace, I'd say leave. It's not worth the angst & potential damage to your marriage. Your wife is also unstable -- I'm bipolar so I get it.
If you have a career job with a lot invested in it, I'd say try to work it out. But that's only if you're really attached to your job-- ie big $$, put in a lot to get promoted, hard to replace, etc.

I see no harm in looking for another job
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by Zsababy »

Just read that it's only a part-time gig. Definitely just leave. Trying to "work it out" with all parties sounds like an emotionally exhausting waste of time.

And holding onto to that tiny, tiny chance of a relationship is the very crux of limerance. I think even the Wikipedia entry says it. It's like the psych experiment that tested the power of intermittent reward. Monkeys intermittently got fruit when they pulled a lever, so even if they didn't get fruit, they'd keep pulling that lever over and over thinking that they'd get that fruit. So this is a very primitive reflex--holding onto that tiny hope because you got rewarded once or twice & you're left waiting & seeking out that reward...which can go on for years. Like years with holding onto hope and crumbs of attention.

Also, I massively, massively agree with whoever said that not all spouses would take it in stride. A lot wouldn't; especially someone prone to depression. As a depressive bipolar, I advise you to *NOT* tell her. It would most likely trigger depression. And then you'd both feel like shit.

Also, if you got another job and this woman pursued you, that might be different. But I believe you said she acted differently & it sounded like she was distancing herself. If so, there's your answer. It's a "no". Don't keep pulling that lever in hopes of getting more fruit.
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 16 guests