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Should I leave my job

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Marksmagic
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2022 5:13 am
United States of America

Should I leave my job

Post by Marksmagic »

Greetings, I'm Mark. I'm new to this site. I don't want to go into detail just yet of my discoverey of Limerence. In short, Im married and my wife hias depression and bipolar disorder. A while back I met a woman at work. It first was just small talk but then it evolved into talking on the phone and we even met a few times.

We didn't get involved sexually but more an emotional connection. We did have a few heated discussions on the phone about sex but that was it. I have fallen in love with this woman and she has started to act different. She used to give me lots of attention and compliments and then it just went away. And now I'm stuck with this feeling of being in love and abandoned. And then I came across the word limerence and it hit home.

We both work at the same place and so it doesn't make matters any easier. I work for a large retail chain and I was wondering if I should relocate? I don't see too many discussions, help, advice and how to deal with limerence with someone you're working with. What do you do? Do you just leave your job? And one of the videos I saw it suggested you cut off all ties. I even told this woman I was going to relocate and she said it was a bit extreme. Easy for her to say. So what does one do in my situation?
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by L-F »

I don't think you should leave your job. What helped me was talking to SO about my infliction.

Could you turn to your wife for support?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Marksmagic
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2022 5:13 am
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by Marksmagic »

L-F wrote: Tue Feb 22, 2022 9:46 am I don't think you should leave your job. What helped me was talking to SO about my infliction.

Could you turn to your wife for support?
I don't want to share this with my wife. I dont want to compromise my marriage. Also, to clarify, I do have a full time job. The job where the woman works is my part time job. I can quit and get another job or relocate but I' dont know if this too extreme.
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by IvB »

I would say yes, leave the job, if you don't need it to survive or if it's not too difficult to do. I had the same, my LO worked in the same place. It was excruciating until luckily he found another job and left. The relief was almost immediate. I haven't seen him since then and though I have struggled with limerence after that too and we stayed partially in contact (my fault), it's incomparable and definitely helped me to progress faster with my healing.
I too don't want to discuss with SO.
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by virusbkk »

Given that it's a part-time gig - leave the job, without question.

The only way to get rid of limerence is to starve it and create as much distance between you and the LO as possible -
1) Delete chat messages/photos/records of conversations - everything
2) Block/delete the LO's contact information
3) Go full no-contact (NC) - break all contact with the LO

The first 3-6 months are the worst - 2-steps forward, 1-steps back.
Believe me - I've been there - and I had a full-blown limerent relationship/affair.

Any contact with the LO will only get you stuck in a perpetual loop.

Lastly, the LO's opinion about your future plans is the LEAST thing you should be concerned about.

Good luck!
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by L-F »

Marksmagic wrote: Wed Feb 23, 2022 7:23 am Also, to clarify, I do have a full time job. The job where the woman works is my part time job. I can quit and get another job or relocate but I' dont know if this too extreme.
Quitting might be your best option.
Marksmagic wrote: Tue Feb 22, 2022 5:36 am I even told this woman I was going to relocate and she said it was a bit extreme. Easy for her to say. So what does one do in my situation?
Can you tell me more about this? I'm guessing she knows you're limerent for her in order for her to think relocating was a bit extreme? What made her say such a thing?

As for telling her you're relocating, that's just another way to see if she'll fall into your arms begging you not to... or something along the fantasy line. Limerents are notorious at playing mind games.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Marksmagic
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2022 5:13 am
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by Marksmagic »

You're absolutely right with the recent I told her I was relocating because it probably fell into the fantasy and deep down my ego is talking hoping that she will finally tell me how she feels.

The part where she said it's a little extreme relocating messed with me and made me feel like I'm being a weak person because I'm going to that extreme level. I'm also kicking myself in the ass because we started talking again. You mentioned did she might know I'm in limerence but I don't even know if she knows what that word is. So I made the mistake of contacting her just eight innocent text like" how are you" on and then it transforms into me giving a long emotional text and after I let it out I regret it and feel vulnerable

I keep thinking to myself, why is she even talking to me still when I get it to those emotional Rampages. She says she wants to be friends and she said she regrets the times when she talked about sex to me because that's how it's affected me so it feels like she's being genuine but at the same time I'm still holding on to this and I have in the back of my mind maybe it's possible to build a friendship and God forbid something happens to my wife's Health Escalates and she passes, that that will open the doors for her and I

So I feel guilty even thinking that. I don't wish turn my wife to not be here but at the same time I fantasize about her and I being together in the future. I found this video on limerence and one of the things he touches on is that it is very rare but a small, very small percentage of limerence situations can turn into a healthy relationship but it takes a lot of work and mental maturity and understanding on both sides. So a very tiny, tiny chance you could get lucky and things will work out but you can't hold on te fantasy it's so you're taking a risk with seeing if there will be a future. Watch this video please
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by L-F »

Marksmagic wrote: Thu Feb 24, 2022 5:34 pm She says she wants to be friends and she said she regrets the times when she talked about sex to me because that's how it's affected me so it feels like she's being genuine but at the same time I'm still holding on to this and I have in the back of my mind maybe it's possible to build a friendship and God forbid something happens to my wife's Health Escalates and she passes, that that will open the doors for her and I
I'll watch it soon but just wanted to point out, which I'm sure you're aware of, you are walking a dangerous path my friend. Pretty sure we've all fantasized about our partners running off with someone else or popping their clogs in order to pave the way to true happiness. But it's an illusion and part of the sickness.

My advice? Step away from her now. Not just for the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your sanity. Otherwise, might as well enjoy the free fall down the rabbit hole.

Take care
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by L-F »

Marksmagic wrote: Thu Feb 24, 2022 5:34 pm it is very rare but a small, very small percentage of limerence situations can turn into a healthy relationship but it takes a lot of work and mental maturity and understanding on both sides.
Correct. There is a small chance. My friend works alongside their LO (and their LO knew they were the LO). It took years of introspection to reach this point. Years. Also years of NC in order to do the required work. So yes, it can be done, BUT... one must be prepared for a range of things to happen, for example; NC, disclosure to SO, therapy, etc (any or all, the point is, it's an uphill battle). It's not something that can be done with LO because at the end of the day, it's not about LO.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Should I leave my job

Post by JupiterTaco »

Some people don't have spouses who would take this sort of thing in stride. Probably anxiously-attached types might be more likely to freak out in this situation and it's hard to blame them. Honesty would seem the door to intimacy but who knows.

If you have to leave your job, have the utmost faith that another one will come along. Your mental health is worth more than this. I haven't talked about my own recent situation but did quit my job for other reasons, and that was one I had high hopes for. It wasn't the reason, but it was a big plus that potential LO who can't seem to keep his hands to himself is now out of the picture. LOL! Until that point I just used the situation to really see how my triggers work, and how his actions make me feel and why, etc. Good luck!
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
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