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Feel like I'm going mad

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Mademistakes
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2022 5:31 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Feel like I'm going mad

Post by Mademistakes »

Hi all

I am new here so first off, hello!

I'm just going to dive straight in and tell you about my experience

I have been in a long term relationship for over 10 years. A few years a go I was out with some friends and I shared some flirtation with a man who I have known a long time. I always had a little thing for him but never went there. Anyway, one thing led to another and an emotional affair ensued. We texted everyday, were seeing each other every day, had the occasional cuddle in the car and talked about a future together

During this time I tried several times to break it off because I felt awful for my partner and obviously realised I was doing wrong. The affair partner always came back confessing his undying love for me and I fell back into the routine

Anyway, the beginning of this year I called it off again and there was a bit of back and forth. He told me his missed me, I told him I missed him. He then told me he couldn't do this anymore and didn't contact me. He text me after a week asking if I wanted to come and meet him. I said no, even though I was missing him terribly I knew breaking it off was for the best

Another week passed and I heard he had a new woman in his life. I walked home in tears and havent been able to stop crying ever since. I have hated him, missed him, haven't been able to eat, been in floods of tears, called the Samaritans and been off work. Last night was particularly bad, I was seriously considering killing myself. I looked up ways to hang and thought about where I could do it, what to use. I even signed up to a 999 text service so I could schedule a text to send an hour after I had done the deed. I was hurt that he had moved on so quick and hadn't even checked to see if I was OK (he knows I have anxiety and depression) Then, he text me out of the blue. He simply asked how I was. I couldn't help it, I was in so much pain, I told him never to contact me again and that he had brought so much pain to my life. He said he thought we could stay friends and I told him to leave me alone. He then said 'I literally cannot do this anymore' and then said about being friends again. I said no and that I couldnt be his friend, it was too painful. He simply replied 'stop' and hasn't text me since

The contact made me feel a bit better but I am also concerned it has set me back again.

What kills me is I kept breaking it off because this man is no good for me, he drinks all the time, he has no hobbies, no job, is irresponsible, drink drives, he's immature, opinionated, has failed relationships. There are many more cons to list. However, he did make me feel special and beautiful and loved.

My current partner loves me and I know it (and believe me I feel vile for betraying him). We aren't physically intimate much anymore and I feel he takes me for granted which is why i fell for this other man. Please don't berate me for making a mistake. I know I fucked up.

I read up about Limerence online and I show all the symptoms of having this infatuation with this other guy. I guess I miss the bond we had, the friendship and I always wondered whether life would be good with him. He promised if I was his, he would take me places and make me feel special forever

I hate that I am missing him so much and thinking about him constantly. The thought of him with someone else makes me ill. The thought of him having a life with someone else breaks my heart

At the end of the day I went with logic (all the cons) and broke it off but now I can't even see the bad things, just the good things

I want to put time into my partner and try and rebuild our relationship but I can't do this because I can't stop thinking about this other guy. Believe me, I know, I'm an idiot and should never have let this affair happen in the first place. It's caused me nothing but pain. I'm scared at how irrational I've been with the suicidal thoughts etc. It feels like my world has ended

I have no plans to contact him and I hear that's the best thing to beat limerence
Does anyone else have any ideas on how I can overcome this?
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by JupiterTaco »

I'm sorry you're hurting so much and you're doing great getting through all of this. One thing you've got to do and you must do it for yourself, is getting seriously busy with something. Something that occupies your mind including your partner. Connecting with your partner might head some of it off even if it doesn't seem so right now. It also might give you further insight into what it is you're missing in your relationship and whether or not your partner or yourself can give it to you.

Think about what the LO did for you, to you, how it made you feel, in every way, shape and form. Being limerent can make one focus on one set of feelings, i.e. how the LO made you feel good about yourself or want more from them, but I know in the case with me and my most recent situation I was able to find a lot of emotions below the surface that conflicted the idea of being limerent over him which got lost in the shuffle, which is likely how my potential LO may have wanted it.

The sad thing is that your LO finding someone new says all there is to say about him and not you. This person was looking for anybody, and they were only out for their self. You may have messed up with your spouse, but you are a human being with emotions and they got triggered by someone else's behavior. These things can happen. Beating yourself up isn't going to change things. If you can find a way to grow from this with your spouse, it'll help things. Taking honest responsibility for your part in the things that happened is helpful, but should be done without excessive self-judgment and criticism. Also keep these things away from people who tend toward these same characteristics.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by IvB »

Your story sounds very similar to mine. Indeed, after 10 y relationship the excitement is not there anymore, probably both sides take each other for granted a bit. The butterflies-in-the-belly bond with a new person is so exciting!
What you need in your life is less boredom, more engagement. Agreeing with JT - you need to keep busy. At the beginning it's insanely difficult - how can you go out with friends when you can't concentrate on anyone else than LO, you keep turning after anyone who looks similar. But believe me, it is the way. Make a list, a schedule. As many new hobbies as you can, that yoy always wanted to try. Language courses, cooking classes, activities (with your partner too), meetings with friends etc. Preferably something every day. Together with no contact, it will help, I promise. It took me about 6 months and it was so so exhausting but you need to stick with it. Very slowly you get to the point where the thought of LO gets simply less interesting.
Mademistakes
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2022 5:31 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by Mademistakes »

Thank you both for the responses. I appreciate them

Ivb - did you stay with your partner?
Funny thing is I do have quite a full life

I have been wondering whether to leave for years. He is so lovely and sweet to me on one hand. He loves me very much, I can tell. Whilst I've been depressed he has been really attentive to me. We just have very seperate lives. I guess I lavished so much of my attention on this other guy it took away from what I have now. I'm trying to remember how our relationship was before I felt like this. I think it was ok, it was content. Perhaps a bit dull. It was definitely lacking intimacy and excitement. I have tried to make things better but he doesn't feel like there is anything wrong so effort is lacking on his part. However he is a good guy and I'm worried to give him up in case things get better
Last edited by Mademistakes on Tue Mar 08, 2022 10:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by IvB »

You spund more and more like me:)
Yes, I stayed. And yes, he also loves PC games while I prefer the real life. But we do at least have some hobbies in common - traveling, movies, sometimes hiking. Also usually if I suggest something sufficiently interesting, he agrees to go with me (we did some climbing recently). Is there nothing at all that you share? I suppose you would have to tell him openly that you miss this íntimacy. He doesn't think that anything is wrong, so maybe telling him the truth about the emotional affair would give him sufficient shock...?
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by L-F »

Hey welcome to the forums!

Spend some time looking around and perhaps consider joining to access majority of the resources.

It's a difficult and painful time when one's heart has been repeatedly broken. Look after your health and perhaps reach out to a therapist about those thoughts of ending your life.

As for limerence, you've come to the right place for support where we all understand the pain and confusion it brings.

Welcome!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Mademistakes
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2022 5:31 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by Mademistakes »

I've woken up at 5am and am in floods of tears over this LO. I am hurting so much that he can just forget me and move on so quick. I feel so ill and worthless right now. After all the time he pursued me relentlessly and now nothing. Here I am feeling like I can't live without him and he's clearly getting on just fine without me. I'm devastated. I hate this so much
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by IvB »

Mine did too, a lot of attention and admiration. And once I was deep in it and responded similarly, the contact from his side got scarce. Please don't feel worthless, you are a good person, probably emotionally starved because you are not getting what you need from your SO, that's why you reacted to his advances. The bitter truth is that your LO (and mine) were interested but just not all that much. Cry as much as you need, however cheesy this sounds, time is needed to get over it. I am 1.5 years in and it's much much better. Try to keep living your own full life and concentrate on solving the issue with your SO.
Mademistakes
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2022 5:31 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by Mademistakes »

Just been on the phone to the Sams. They have been so good

IvB - were you lacking something in your relationship to be attracted to this other guy? Do you think your relationship has that now and you're more fulfilled?
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Feel like I'm going mad

Post by L-F »

Perhaps you being with someone was sending him mixed signals? Do you think he was waiting for you to leave your partner in order to see that you were committed to him? I know if I were in the same situation I would only wait for so long before feeling I wasn't good enough to be with if the other person wasnt prepared to leave their partner.

Either way, its difficult when hearts get broken. Can I ask why you feel you suffer from limerence? I'm trying to work out if it's limerence or a broken heart. Good to read you reached out to Sams (not sure who they are but assuming it's telephone support?).

The free support on the 'limerence 101' threads will provide support for relationship issues but not necessarily limerence, that's because limerence goes beyond him, her or them over there (aka LO). Limerence can be delved into when you're ready. For now I suggest taking time to breathe and cry and vent. Have you got friends or family you can confide in? Have you spoken to your doctor about your thoughts? Are you sleeping? Keeping well physically? Having a strong supportive network around you is important during stressful times.

At this point in time, I wouldn't recommend trying to wrap your head around limerence (because it's got very little to do with LO), but focus on getting stronger emotionally. That takes time. Nursing a broken heart takes time.

Another option, when you're feeling stronger, is to consider relationship counseling. Sending a virtual hug and tissues. Sorry to hear you are hurting.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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