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Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

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JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

I’m sure there are plenty of things lurking below the surface. I guess that’s one thing that always puzzled me about limerence is that it can be so strong that it can take a long time out of it to really see things clearly. That’s what I’m assuming may happen here. In the meantime, I know that I’ve gone backwards in so many ways in my life and that’s the crux of my issues. That and that I feel like once again my life has taken a massive step backwards just when I thought it was finally moving forward with the new job, etc.

I’m just trying to remind myself of where I was before this and where I was trying to go, and for awhile was trying to do little bits of things that could distract me from all of this, which helped. It’s getting easier now. I may not know the difference between external or internal signs of LO. I notice things, which I can talk about but thankfully I mostly look at it from a detached stance.

Such as when someone picked up a sign that said Massachusetts on it on Wheel of Fortune one night, which is where this guy is from (and I’ve never met anybody from there that I can recall. My grandma lived there once before I was born and then left lol). I heard a couple of songs on the radio the same day at my new job that I’d heard sitting with him one night before I quit. I mean yeah you can see signs everywhere you want, but I think the real sign is that he’d be here or I would’ve been able to stay there and neither of that is true.

The dreams are what’s killing me. It started before I left and hasn’t quit, the dreams about him. I didn’t really start paying attention to it until it intensified after I left.

One where I’d gone back to work to cover the last two weeks and he was kind of looking at me and I avoided his eyes and he turned and went into a room with a bunch of new people and I was staring at the screen trying to make sense of things, kind of like the way I was there. Another one where he leaned his face against mine and asked what vehicle he was in. Yet another one where I ended up on the same bus with him and the older woman and they were both staring at me and I just stood there with crippling embarrassment hoping they wouldn’t say anything to me.

Just like with my former neighbor situation, many of these dreams are pulling at the misfit in me, the one who just wants to be loved and accepted and I’d thought deep down before coming back here, that I had finally learned to accept who I am and that this can actually be an advantage in my life. Back when I didn’t have to answer to people and could take whatever risks I wanted and nobody ever had to know about it.

I had even started writing a memoir about it. But aside from that I’ve been essentially forced back into a situation that goes against this way that apparently I must live with someone who has no qualms about telling me exactly what she thinks of every damn thing I do, I know that no matter how I accept these things, it doesn’t erase the pain.

It doesn’t erase the lifetime pain that nobody should experience of never fitting in anywhere. Nothing will ever erase that. Even if I found somebody who accepted me as I am, one person can’t erase all of that, that’s what God is for. I did think about writing a strongly-worded letter to HR, who wanted an exit interview with me, but I didn’t think it would do any good. On top of that, I’ve been getting their notifications in my email ever since, which includes that one of my bullies was just promoted! Not a company I want to work for.

It’s been said that if you’re being bullied at work, your job is already lost. Somebody has been likely orchestrating a huge smear campaign behind your back that you have no way of knowing about and the only probable thing to do is leave. I wholly believe there are some battles worth fighting and some which are not. And if you don’t have actual power, then where are you? The laws in the U.S. right now favor employers. Even in cases of overt discrimination and sexual harassment which are illegal, the person who’s had so much done to them is not likely to see justice and if they do, it’s after losing so much themselves including their time and likely a black mark that will remain over their heads.

I’m convinced that my very survival at this point depends upon getting into various investing ventures. I need time to figure out how to start but I know I’ll get there. These types of things that keep happening to me just serve to distract me but it’s also helped me to see how I can help in society when I get there. Thank you for all of your kind words!
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Fri Apr 08, 2022 2:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: HYPERVIGILANCE TO LIMERENCE; ECHOES OF THE PAST

Post by L-F »

I'm going to throw a few observations out there. Take or leave.

Reframing. Initially I was going to say, it's okay to take two steps forward and one step back. But it sounds like your one step back relates to more than mere limerence (work, mother, etc). Could you look at reframing the situation? Idk. Maybe your journey has taken a detour rather than a step back? A new path with new insights to discover?

Why do you feel you need to distracted yourself? Is it possible to face whatever it is with the help of friends/family/therapist, etc?

You are right, we can find signs everywhere. And we also create our own meanings.

Is there a way you can detach from acceptance of self? That way you are free to just be? (Sounds weird after reading that back but I hope you know what I mean).

Sadly, life will always contain bullies. Even famous ones like political leaders around the world. I'm not sure how you tackle bullies in power other than become a yes man, quit, or ignore.

"I’m convinced that my very survival at this point depends upon getting into various investing ventures. "
It is always good to have something to strive for. Something to be passionate about. You'll do well I'm sure.

Also, don't let bullies define you (as victim). They want you to assume that role because it makes them feel powerful. Only you get to define yourself. If they are a bully, so be it, let them be whomever they choose to be. There's nothing you can do to alter their way of being. See them for who they are and say to yourself "I'm not going to be your victim buddy!" and do whatever you need to do to regain a sense of safety. Idk... smoke dope, talk to friends, vent, tell someone up higher, put in an official complaint, exercise, hit a punching bag, go to church, etc, etc. Whatever works for you.

And although not necessarily in your case, I do believe people make amazing mirrors. Take the bullying on here. Some say I was the bully, others say individuals orchestrated a huge smear campaign behind my back, banning together to post on my threads, etc etc... at the end of the day, all that happened was projections reflected back. It wasn't until I saw that, that everything fell in to place. That's when I stopped feeling I needed to defend myself. I get to define my position rather than be positioned. So take a stand when it comes to bullies and free yourself. Don't play their game.
Just think, that bully got promoted because they had some good karma points owing to them. Their bad karma points will be cashed in too.

Your dreams are interesting. I wish JD was here to give his opinion. He was good at breaking them down and gave insightful answers.

Keep your chin up! You can work through limerence at your own pace.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

[highlight=]I'm going to throw a few observations out there. Take or leave.

Reframing. Initially I was going to say, it's okay to take two steps forward and one step back. But it sounds like your one step back relates to more than mere limerence (work, mother, etc). Could you look at reframing the situation? Idk. Maybe your journey has taken a detour rather than a step back? A new path with new insights to discover?


I’ve definitely taken another path. Take my real estate for example. I knew exactly how I was going to move forward in general in my old location but first the pandemic happened and there was a rather pronounced rent strike where I was, so even though I read about new people who’d gotten started there and were doing fine, I am still glad I didn’t start then.

Since coming back here, I’ve had to learn not only a different strategy which I’m now still learning about but a whole new market and I must do all of this in the same house with someone who’s energy can affect mine and I know it has. I never imagined going back here as I left for so many reasons. I don’t think it’s financially feasible for me to stay here long-term and expect that I’m going to always have a job that allows it unless I do start something that enables me to stay here. And frankly my recent experiences really highlight that, aside from the massive homeless problem here. This is my hometown. Aside from the mountains, I don't like it here that much but I feel compelled and should think that I should feel compelled to help fix these issues here. It's worth noting that my former coworker and I did have that discussion about how much we both like the drive into and out of the mountains. All my life I tried to find somebody who understood that and whom I connected with meaningfully over it.

But back to the present moment, forgetting the idea of going back into the workplace after what I’ve been through, and even though I struggled financially doing gig work, I made it work for awhile even if it wasn’t ideal. I know that one big thing I miss is the freedom I had.

The freedom not to have to work in bad weather or even just taking a day off and the freedom to know that every single thing I do wouldn’t be known by somebody else if I didn’t want it to. And five minutes with my mother can ruin my mood unbelievably. She constantly brings up things that are none of her business under the guise of being a “planner” but somehow can never remember to tell me ahead of time when she needs me to go shopping for her. Today I wanted to hang out downtown after work, but she needed me to go shopping for her. Tomorrow I wanted to enjoy a nice day and take a long walk, but she's making green chili so I have to help her with that. It's so awkward the idea of setting boundaries because I know she could kick me out at any time. I don't think she will because she enjoys the narc supply of having me to complain about and the control. If she sold the house or her other car as she's constantly threatening or just kicked me out, even if I went to live in a tent somewhere I could legally do that because I'm not a kid anymore unlike when I was and she could do what she wanted and I'd still have to go home. She doesn't truly want to lose that control again because she knows I'd be fine. I guess I never realized this stuff years ago.

Like I said, it’s very tempting to get another car and leave but I want to work things out. I feel like I should want to give my mother what she gave to me in her last years. Yeah I had little emotional support but I’d like to give back what she gave me since I don’t have a family and all. But she tests my patience every single day and the thought of ever ending up her long-term caretaker is enough to wake me up at night. Hell, my insomnia has been insane ever since I came back here.

I also get really angry at how she never stops her criticism for how she thinks I’m living my life but somehow expects me to work myself to the bone to supplement her addictions while she “retires” when she can’t afford it because she never prepared for anything? That the only reason I feel hostile about it is because she discarded me and left me for dead for four years and got the rest of the family to do it also, and now I live with the reality of how she’s treated me like crap for years.

That’s what I really want to walk away from and now I’m just angry that I had a job, I could’ve gotten another car and at least had it, and I didn’t precisely because I knew it would be too tempting to just leave and now I’m afraid I’m going to be back where I started, miserable and not actually able to leave.

Nevertheless I have to believe this all happened for a reason and I did learn new things from both jobs I had, and I have many more people skills to learn. I also have more to learn about investing and I’m not moving forward with anything until I’m ready.

Why do you feel you need to distracted yourself? Is it possible to face whatever it is with the help of friends/family/therapist, etc?

I don’t have much family left and the few relatives who are still alive I have nothing to do with due to them all turning their backs on me when my mother did and then having the nerve to deny it and blame me for “never calling them” and then having to constantly hear news about them and how they’re “getting old” and it’s somehow up to me to keep in touch with them.

I had a therapist when I had my first job, I’ve kind of been in and out of therapy due to affordability issues and mismatch and all. I was planning to start back soon when I had my second job here because I do have a therapist I like better, but yeah…Someday I'll meet David and his wife, I just don't know when lol. But this place has been so instrumental to my growth.

I try to distract myself because I read that it takes less than a month to create a neural pathway to a potential LO and I want to keep that from happening here. But I may have been too late for this particular situation it’s already done since we spent so much time together alone at work. I guess what I find so weird, and this is the second time aside from my neighbor that I really get to think about these things as I didn’t with past LOs, but it’s strange how sometimes I can think about this guy and feel nothing and other times it just comes out of nowhere that I do miss him. It’s weird.

[highlight=]You are right, we can find signs everywhere. And we also create our own meanings.

I had an inside joke with myself that I would have more permission to go down the sign rabbit hole if I ever saw his name the way he actually spells it, which funny story actually happened at work before I left, someone else spelled their name the same way on a trip I was looking at one day and I had a laugh about that, but there was no way I would’ve been convinced that could happen outside of work, but it did recently. Last night I was watching America’s Dumbest Criminals and someone had the same first name and same spelling. I laughed my head off. Then I said it’ll have to happen several times before I take it seriously but I don’t think it will and if it did I’d just think the universe is mocking me at that point lol.

I do believe the universe sends signs at times, I just think too many people go out of control with them and/or what they actually mean, I don’t know. I feel a sign is a sign, you wouldn’t have to go looking for it, I don’t know...

[highlight=]Is there a way you can detach from acceptance of self? That way you are free to just be? (Sounds weird after reading that back but I hope you know what I mean).

I’ll have to think about that one. My biggest thing is trying to stay focused on my goals and plans and this has really affected that in a short time.

[highlight=]Sadly, life will always contain bullies. Even famous ones like political leaders around the world. I'm not sure how you tackle bullies in power other than become a yes man, quit, or ignore.

Pretty much what people do I think. Seriously I would totally be fine living in a friggin’ camper on my own cheap land somewhere and letting myself take all the time I need to figure everything out. And believe me when I say it took years to get to that point. Probably many people wouldn’t think of doing that.
[highlight=]"I’m convinced that my very survival at this point depends upon getting into various investing ventures. "

It is always good to have something to strive for. Something to be passionate about. You'll do well I'm sure.
Thank you! I just don’t want to end up messing up the first time lol.

[highlight=]Also, don't let bullies define you (as victim). They want you to assume that role because it makes them feel powerful. Only you get to define yourself. If they are a bully, so be it, let them be whomever they choose to be. There's nothing you can do to alter their way of being. See them for who they are and say to yourself "I'm not going to be your victim buddy!" and do whatever you need to do to regain a sense of safety. Idk... smoke dope, talk to friends, vent, tell someone up higher, put in an official complaint, exercise, hit a punching bag, go to church, etc, etc. Whatever works for you.

I think just walking away said all I had to say without saying anything, otherwise I'm just providing gossip fodder. I’m pretty sure I can kiss goodbye any chance at partnering with someone else now in real estate which was something I thought about, now that this happened in my life though. Before that, I was doing gig work for so long and had that as a measure of stability in my life, but of course I was technically employed by my one employer all this time so who knows. It definitely took a bite of what confidence I had though. I would prefer to start by myself though when I’m ready.

[highlight=]And although not necessarily in your case, I do believe people make amazing mirrors. Take the bullying on here. Some say I was the bully, others say individuals orchestrated a huge smear campaign behind my back, banning together to post on my threads, etc etc... at the end of the day, all that happened was projections reflected back. It wasn't until I saw that, that everything fell in to place. That's when I stopped feeling I needed to defend myself. I get to define my position rather than be positioned. So take a stand when it comes to bullies and free yourself. Don't play their game. Just think, that bully got promoted because they had some good karma points owing to them. Their bad karma points will be cashed in too.

Yeah, these people were one of many reminders of how it can be when you don’t stand up for yourself and just snap one day. I’m sure there are many people who just don’t understand assertiveness so they’re defensive all the time. I can still get pretty nasty when triggered. These days I try to reframe it as to be thankful for the lesson and chance to look at myself in a different way.

I’m certain that many of my coping mechanisms and mannerisms at relating would be considered abusive by healthy people. I’m trying to work on all of that, but I guess the difference between me and many of my past abusers is that I’m not the kind of person going out trying to control people. Or at least that’s what I tell myself, I don’t know…I don't go around offering something I'm not sure I can give. I don't ask of people what I can't give, etc. I think it also depends on the general energy around oneself. If one is around uplifting, inspiring people versus people who just want to drag everyone else down, there's a difference. I am pretty protective of my energy nowadays.

[highlight=]Your dreams are interesting. I wish JD was here to give his opinion. He was good at breaking them down and gave insightful answers.
Yeah he was. I’m pretty sure I was on target mostly with what they’re telling me, plus I do feel guilt for the way I left, because if it affected anybody it was probably the drivers. Also I have trouble remembering all the details of all of them, which is characteristic of me, my dreams go so fast so I have trouble remembering surrounding details and all. I hear dream decoding is easier the more details there are.

[highlight=]Keep your chin up! You can work through limerence at your own pace.

Thank you, that’s all I can do!
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Fri Apr 08, 2022 2:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

Well, green chili didn't have enough meat and Pupper is sick and may need to go to vet. Goodbye, day off. Again. Never any peace in this house. I really want out.
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Fri Apr 08, 2022 2:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

ECHOES OF LIMERENCE PART 10; ANOTHER REALIZATION

It’s officially been almost a month since I left my former job. Sad to say that until the past couple of days, my limerent yearnings hadn’t stopped. What finally stopped them briefly as crazy as it sounds was a bid to look at the picture of someone else important to me, my former classmate from the beyond who has helped me so much. As an aside I call it NAP therapy since those were his initials and it’s funny lol. And it’s at least partially a pun to my continuing inability to get enough sleep.

So that actually helped. One night every time this other guy came to my head, I thought of my former classmate and looked at his picture. I figured that if seeing a face in my head was the problem, that maybe I could trick myself into superimposing another face. But it seems something I have to keep on for it to keep working but I have noticed that I’ve had way less issues since starting that.

However his face will still come to my head; I still dream about him; he comes to mind throughout the day and sometimes I think nothing of it, and sometimes out of the blue I feel a tenseness in my stomach like I miss him. I am doing better at remembering that he’s just not here, he’s gone and it’s fine.

But another thing that’s been going on has made me realize something else. One of my mom’s dogs Pupper is sick and may have to be put to sleep. He’s not even ten years old and we’re both having a hard time with it.

I found myself lost in a trance today unable to feel my feelings as I was the one who took him to the vet and hung out in my car since I couldn’t go inside until they were ready for him. When I came home, I just starting thinking after a comment my mom made, that the past year, which last year was around the time I’d come back, has been unusually terrible for her and has been one thing after another.

I realized that I’ve been thinking about that quite a bit and trying not to. That living here always had that fear of what was going to happen next. My mother can’t see that it was always this way, but nevertheless I do and this is but one reason that I’ve worked so hard to run away from my reality over years and probably a big reason why limerence was a big part of it. Limerence was a way that I could feel that I could connect to other people just like everybody else.

What’s different is that this time around, I understand that though my past LOs may have cared for me in their own ways if they did, which I doubt, I have been through so many terrible things and I did it all alone, and nobody was there. Not former LOs, not former “friends” or even my family. Though my whole life is actually a story of that, for whatever reason, I was never forced to look at reality until after my mother discarded me.

So it’s pretty hard to go back to a maladaptive coping mechanism that doesn’t quite override anymore the feelings of isolation I would occasionally get sleeping in my car at a rest stop or truck stop or while I was being stalked by my neighbor before that. I think that trauma at this point is stronger than the trauma that made me ripe to limerence. Unlike before, it is statistically based on my past, more dangerous for me to be around people than to not be.

Aside from that I just never could connect with people in a meaningful way. Limerence could make think so, and people who wanted me to think so could make me think so while they got whatever they wanted from me but it’s true. I have always been disconnected from people. On top of that, my life is terrifying, chaotic and hectic and has been for quite some time.

I’ve often wondered if me coming back was just bad luck in my mother’s life. But when I think back and read back what I’ve read about our numerous past interactions, there has not been one single year that she didn’t feel was the “worst year” because “everything” kept going wrong.
I started realizing that this was why I had such a problem with maladaptive coping and this first started coming to a head with my most recent ex D, a guy who grew up in a bad neighborhood in Saint Louis and is literally scared of everything.

I remember that triggered me almost as badly as women who act like helpless princess types, as I’ve thought it would’ve been nice not to have to have grown up so fast so young and be able to handle anything as I have been forced to but I know that doesn’t mean my ex is not traumatized. He is and he needs a therapist but I’m not it and he needs to decide for himself that’s what he needs if he ever does that.

My life is terrifying and at the very least I would need a partner who if they can’t understand it, can at least give me the space to deal with it myself until I can figure out how to change things. And this guy with his constant phone calls and texts is not helping so I finally blocked him today. He wouldn’t stop calling me at work last week nor at the vet today when I needed to conserve my phone battery. I hadn’t told him about the dog, and I finally only told him about my former coworker a couple of weeks ago as a desperate plea to be given the space I needed to work through things in my life.

I had told him I understood if he didn’t want anything further to do with me, but that I need a lot of space. Nevertheless he hasn’t given it and insists on trying to force me into a relationship with him. It’s all he can think about are his own needs. I just realized that I can’t deal with him in my present state. I just can’t. I've told him my needs numerous times. So I cut him off. And I hope things become more clear some time down the line but I understand if this guy heals and decides he doesn’t want me around and I just think aside from being a serious mismatch needs-wise, it just won’t work and that’s but one more reason I was at risk of becoming limerent again so it was time to cut the cord.

So now I’ve been sitting with my isolation and hoping that’s enough to remind me of what and how I need to heal. As I’ve said I have help on the other side but I know it’s not the same as having real live people in my life, nor should it necessarily and the coworker situation made me realize that.
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Fri Apr 08, 2022 2:58 am, edited 2 times in total.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

ECHOES OF LIMERENCE PART 11; MY DREAMS

One dream where I went back to work to do my two-weeks notice. Former coworker was staring at me and I avoided his eyes. He turned and went to join other people in the room and I found myself staring at a computer screen trying to make sense of everything as I often was working there. I remember the dream feeling of shame and abandonment and inadequacy.

Former coworker ended up on the same bus with me and the older woman. I could kind of feel his eyes on me but didn’t look at him. Soon the older woman came up to my face and turned out to, according to my memory, not even be her, or maybe she shifted faces I don ‘t know. I just felt they were there then the dream ended. It was snowy outside and could’ve been work-related as their jobs are to drive. Again the dream touched on embarrassment, not wanting to be seen, etc.

I had a dream where former coworker came out and pressed his face against mine at the computer wanting to know which vehicle he was in. The lighting seemed dim. I don’t remember any feeling as it went so fast.

Another dream where we were in a mountain office and he had shown me he was writing and drawing on himself. When he started again standing in front of me, I asked what he was drawing on himself now. He showed me he wrote that he couldn’t pronounce every word to another coworker and then started getting in my personal space often like he did at work, joking around and poking me gently.

That same night, though he wasn’t in it, I also had a dream that a huge snake was snapping at me and for some reason someone I didn’t know started getting in the face of the snake as I stood there watching, thinking, why would you do that? This was inside a mall or something with a lot of open space and possibly the snake was in an exhibit of some sort. The lighting was dim, mostly coming from ceiling windows on top.

Someone else I didn’t know, a blonde woman who may have been from the coworker dream but whom I didn’t know, actually picked me up and walked me away because I just couldn’t stop watching.

I know former coworker is in my dreams almost every night but can’t always remember them all. Interestingly I never dream about my ex who calls day and night despite me telling him to stop at this point.

I had an unexpected dream which I’ll put here about seeing my former landlord and confronting her about her unprofessional behavior. In the dream my former landlord mostly ignored me but another woman in the building was new and said that I wasn’t one to talk. To which I had responded, I have many flaws. That doesn’t mean I deserve to be stalked, harassed, sexually harassed, mobbed and homeless. And I had always paid my rent.

I had another dream after that which my former coworker was coming over to visit. For some reason I was busy and couldn’t meet him and my mom let him in and kind of monopolized him as I got more and more annoyed trying to set up a family thing.

All of my deceased relatives went through the dream at some point and Grandma Lori came up to me and hugged me and was standing with me for a minute. Then a few minutes later my former coworker said my family was “not that bad” and asked me if he could see me again, and I knew he meant he wanted to see all of us again so I just said, whatever you want to do. He asked me what was wrong and I just shrugged and said nothing but I had to get back to work. He asked if he could leave his number and I said he could and went back to work. For some reason there was a bunch of stuff outside in the dream so as I was bringing it all back in with no help from anybody I saw he’d left his number in plain sight on the door and I left it there. Soon it started raining as I was carrying electronics inside but I didn’t feel like I was getting wet.

I had another dream of him where I visited his hometown with him but it went kind of fast. Like I said, I know he’s in my dreams nearly every night, I just don’t always remember them or whatever. I just remember his face, his body, and sometimes his voice, clearly.

Then I had a dream last night that I had gone to my former workplace to pick up my check, which I did today, but anyway in the dream for some reason it wasn’t ready and when I finally got it, it was night and the night drivers were coming in, including him.

When I was leaving, he kind of appeared around a corner and said goodbye JT and turned away (I think). Even in the dream I was hoping to avoid him. Hopefully that will be it…???
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Fri Apr 08, 2022 2:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

ECHOES OF LIMERENCE PART 12; IT’S FINALLY OVER

I went to pick up my check today, made sure it was okay first. I thought about waiting until Monday since I knew I probably wouldn’t get it into the bank in time. But I knew there would be a lot more going on on Monday and I barely remember my former coworker’s schedule but I remember on Saturdays he was doing overnight shifts. I was always off Monday so had no idea if he worked on Mondays or not, other than possibly being there early in the morning returning a van from Sunday nights. Nevertheless I figured it was more probably not only to avoid most people I was hesitant to see, but also this guy, if I went Saturday so I was planning on that.

I just knew that if I saw that guy, the likelihood of a month of moving forward might be completely unravelled and I wanted to avoid that. Plus another recent visitation dream from my deceased former classmate was another reminder I needed that if the other guy wanted to be near me in some way, he would, and he’s not. My former classmate is.

Nevertheless it was uneventful. The twenty minutes I spent on the phone before going reinforced why the job didn’t work out for me. Getting transferred around and then barely hearing one manager when trying to talk to him. I actually think their phone issues are actually worse than when I quit.

The woman working the desk at the other company was cold with me, which I could only silently snicker to myself about. I mean like I care what she might think of me.

They put a rolling curtain between that company’s space and my old company’s space, but based on one former coworker greeting me through it, I doubt it helps with the sound much if at all. And I’m guessing that since the other company’s customers are brazen enough to enter through unlocked back doors after the company closes and ours was still open, I’m guessing it doesn’t stop people from walking in there from time to time either.

I’m very glad I don’t still work there, but my mother actually asked me if I got my job back like I was going to try. SMH! It’s a sad state of affairs when the people who supposedly “care” about you insist that you need to be abused to help them. I know that’s at least partially why I’m still susceptible to limerence and she’ll never understand the bullet I dodged by leaving that job, not talking about the rest of the reasons I left. I couldn’t imagine being touched by my former coworker inside a closed curtain. I’d imagine that might have been terribly triggering. So no I regret nothing other than the way I left.

I did have a short, sweet conversation with one former manager who was working. He was the most helpful one but he was and is always slammed with the work. He kept trying to make conversation with me, but I think he could tell I was nervous to be there. He had to help someone at one point. I didn’t want to be there one single minute more than I had to.

I didn’t think it right to tell him there, so when I left, I just texted my apology for what it was worth about the way I left, and that I’d never meant to affect things negatively. He wrote back that there were no hard feelings, that everybody missed me around the office, but that he understands it was a stressful position. He wished me well in my next endeavors and I wrote back likewise and thanks.

So it certainly could’ve been worse. I think that the negative emotions for me, not just the potential limerence, but the triggers of that workplace, possibly dragged on for me because I waited so long to go and get my last paycheck, but I know why I did it. Aside from working my other job nearly every day for the past month, I knew I wanted to be sure I was ready to go, and today for whatever reason I was ready, or at least as ready as I was ever going to be. Now it’s over. I don’t have to worry about seeing these people again. I don’t have to worry about getting my check. I don’t have to worry about avoiding my former coworker again. Maybe now the healing and moving forward can commence. I also thought about starting my own mountain shuttle or at least looking into the startup costs of it.

I want to make sure though that this brief foray into emotions of mine isn’t what’s telling me to stay in a place that never worked out for me to hold onto a fantasy though, and certainly not to start a line of work that would imply such. So I feel much research and patience is in order.

P.S. Pupper is fine and had fun rolling around in the freshly-scraped dead grass I raked up earlier.
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Fri Apr 08, 2022 2:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
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Re: HYPERVIGILANCE TO LIMERENCE; ECHOES OF THE PAST

Post by L-F »

I also get really angry at how she never stops her criticism for how she thinks I’m living my life

That must sting! It's amazing how parents (especially ones with unresolved childhood trauma) like to treat their children as 'less than' or as the adult in the relationship, often leaning on them for emotional support, or worse, both!
Norma Bates on Bates Motel (Netflix) springs to mind. She not only treats her son as helpless, but also someone to prop her up when she's having an off day.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Re: HYPERVIGILANCE TO LIMERENCE; ECHOES OF THE PAST

Post by L-F »

Going back to my post in March (re bullies) - bear with me, I'll not hog your thread or derail it.
I wrote that post before reading Martha Beck's book titled 'The Way of Integrity'. Often I'll have things sorted in my head (which is rarely articulated where it makes sense to others) and then read something that confirms I'm on the right track (for me). As it turns out Chapter 10 eloquently explains what I was attempting to put across. I'm going to quote the following and then sum up my experience with bullying, limerence, and this forum with the idea of providing a smidgen of hope.

I’m certain that many of my coping mechanisms and mannerisms at relating would be considered abusive by healthy people. I’m trying to work on all of that, but I guess the difference between me and many of my past abusers is that I’m not the kind of person going out trying to control people. Or at least that’s what I tell myself, I don’t know…I don't go around offering something I'm not sure I can give. I don't ask people what I can't give, etc. I think it also depends on the general energy around oneself. If one is around uplifting, inspiring people versus people who just want to drag everyone else down, there's a difference. I am pretty protective of my energy nowadays.

I can now say 2 things to those who I perceive as attacking or positioning me. I learned it on here which helped me to heal what limerence started.
1. Thank you.
2. You are right.

Saying "thank you" because bullies help me to see my blind spots. Note: bullies might not be the correct terminology.
Saying "you are right" means that their opinion/perception is theirs to own without me trying to mould it to fit my perception. They are entitled to see me exactly how they see me.
Everything I have endured here on this very forum has helped me to become genuinely curious about my behaviour. This has been my pot of gold that helped me in my limerent journey to overcome limerence and manage/forgive malignant family members.

As mentioned above, I'll not bombard this thread. Keep writing and reflecting, and perhaps... maybe just maybe, welcome a challenge here and there. Many blessings JT! You are stronger than you think.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Re: HYPERVIGILANCE TO LIMERENCE; ECHOES OF THE PAST

Post by L-F »

I know I said I wouldn't hog this thread! But forgot to add another observation of mine (like you asked! Lol)... Re bullying. I'm only sharing this to give you something to reflect upon. You may or may not agree and that's okay. Again, I'll use my experience.

What I perceived as a bully was more of a reflection. Here's why... when they positioned me into becoming a self-made 'victim', I would become defensive (retaliate) which made me no different. They would perceive themselves as victims when I became defensive. We were as bad as each other. A dance off lol. So who is/was the bully?
The person who starts it in my opinion, but, what I should have done is become curious instead of defensive. Curiosity removes you from the dance (drama triangle) in my eyes.

Stay curious! About feedback, others perceptions and self. Have a beautiful week JT and I promise to not to interject! Well I'll at least try my best :D
:ymhug:

Ps. When one is triggered it is easy to point out others errors. Being triggered isn't a bad thing it's a perfect opportunity to ask 'why?'
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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