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Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

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JupiterTaco
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Re: HYPERVIGILANCE TO LIMERENCE; ECHOES OF THE PAST

Post by JupiterTaco »

Well there's a whole book on that called The Drama Triangle, right? Which I still need to read btw but it's helped me when I feel that somebody is approaching me with "so-and-so is bad, so-and-so hurt me," etc. It's good to be able to look at things objectively. Why does one person need to tell somebody else about someone else if they're not someone who can actually help either person? Anyway I guess that's how used dangerously, smear campaigns can start, they thrive on people not involved who just want to help because they possibly don't have something else in their lives to focus on who feel sorry for someone crying victim. It can go back and forth I guess.

I have a lot more updates from the past to post and I'll talk about the job more later (and other ones I've had). I started realizing that maybe it just wasn't for me. I know I gave these people my all, and that's all I can do. I'm not going to go smearing them to the whole world. Quite frankly it's enough for me that I was able to just get out and avoid that and avoid the worst of another limerence episode. I think I could better fight the world with more power. I'm thinking about law school again. I really need to decide what I'm going to do first. =)) Thank you and you too! :)
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

ECHOES OF LIMERENCE PART 13; THE EBBS AND FLOWS

I was doing better for awhile not feeling so yearny for my former coworker’s presence despite him still coming to mind but nevertheless depression had a way of taking over me when it seemed the dreams of him stopped. Based on further reflection, I don’t think they stopped because I noticed he’s still in the background in my dreams, the ones I remember anyway. Nevertheless the limerbeast inside of me seems trying to convince me that I don’t know what’s worse; dreaming about my former coworker or not dreaming about him. But when I realized it I tried to tell myself that it’s better this way.

I started volunteering at a homeless shelter serving food last week, and that helped not only put my life into perspective and try to give back in some way, but when I left I felt loads better. These people appreciate me! Though Denver traffic can still ruin my mood like nothing, I managed to stay in a good mood after leaving the first night and getting home after being routed the hell out of my way due to unplanned construction.

Like clockwork right after that, when my mother was mentioning places that were hiring so that I could get a second job which she wants me to do, which I never asked of her (and plus I’ve told her that I just don’t want to work in our neighborhood for obvious reasons which I’ve no doubt discussed on this forum in the past but moving on), my mood plummeted right away. But I knew why, which much of the time I do understand that her behavior is a direct cause of it at times. Which is why I’m trying my best to maintain distance from her as much as possible.

Today I finally asked her, am I not working enough hours to your standard? Only halfway joking. (And I don’t owe her any money, just so we’re clear on that). She responded like she hadn’t meant anything by it, but this was how I grew up. Literally running myself ragged and feeling guilty for doing anything that brought me any pleasure that didn’t make me money or giving myself time to relax. In fact doing anything that could be considered self-care, such as a nap, a bubble bath, or even sitting and doing nothing was something that even if she didn’t actually harp about it, she responded negatively to. I was well aware that my mom, brother and even my grandfather struggled to do these things over the years but I was completely unaware of how much it affected me and my life over years aside from what I’ve talked about in the past on the forum of being grouped with my dad as “lazy” and how that affected my mental health and self-esteem over years but which she denies ever happened, go figure...

I realized that’s one thing I’ve struggled with over the years was feeling guilty if I enjoyed my days off work even when I lived alone. Probably why I had trouble doing it. I also spent years ruminating about bad jobs on my days off if not complaining to someone else about it. Which I remember my mom telling me to let it go as I’m off, that she never had trouble separating work and home. She said that rather proudly.

But my memory going all the way back to early childhood is of my mother griping for hours about work, bosses, coworkers, etc. Even now I notice when I try to spend time with her, all she does is talk about her work, her boss, my work, what I “need” to do, etc. Today was no exception and thankfully stepping away for a few minutes redirected the conversation a couple of different times since she seemed to want me to be around.

I almost just asked her, maybe people don’t want to talk to you because you have nothing pleasant to talk about? And it’s true. We don’t have any recent good memories as like I said, the year I’ve been back has been terrible. She doesn’t want to hear anything positive about the past four years of my life, she doesn’t ask about my hobbies or interests, and we are bogged with terrible memories of years of chaos and negative events in both of our lives and in the family before we stopped talking so forget bonding that way.

Even simple things like going to the mountains without everybody who is now gone, I know if it triggers me, it certainly triggers her. I handle these things better than I used to, in fact I saw number signs from numerous people when I had my last job and we took a ride in a shuttle up to get our sales training and I remember how much better and loved I felt noticing these things.

Nevertheless this is reality and doesn’t replace camping, hiking, driving and interacting with people who are not alive anymore. And on this subject, this is but one reason that though a fantasy of driving through the mountains with my former coworker was but one that was just waiting for the chance to gain foothold, I understand that reality would likely override it and likely ruin it in some form, or at least make for some very awkward moments. Aside from the idea of trying to get someone else to understand the state of my life without scaring them away which I doubt would happen.

So yeah, I have numerous reasons that go on endlessly for why me and my coworker would not have worked out as it looked. Nevertheless the feelings of missing him and remembering memories of him were back with a nasty vengeance today after all the time I’ve spent reading my old journals and reminding myself of how far I’ve come in life. I really don’t know what to make of this at all. I keep thinking and telling myself that this isn’t going to go on forever. I’ll forget his face. I’ll forget his voice. After that, I’ll have no choice but to move on. And I really am trying. Trying not to focus on this or let it overtake me. But I know it’ll take time. Until then I’m stuck in another weird limbo.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
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Re: HYPERVIGILANCE TO LIMERENCE; ECHOES OF THE PAST

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Apr 06, 2022 10:21 pm It's good to be able to look at things objectively. Why does one person need to tell somebody else about someone else if they're not someone who can actually help either person?
Right!
JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Apr 06, 2022 10:21 pm Anyway I guess that's how used dangerously, smear campaigns can start, they thrive on people not involved who just want to help because they possibly don't have something else in their lives to focus on who feel sorry for someone crying victim.
Interesting you see it as wanting to help. I see it as wanting to indulge in their dark side. How better to pamper a negative shadow than to join someone in their pity party and bag someone for no reason?

Law School sounds awesome! You have a lot to look forward to!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

I keep hearing that well-meaning people occasionally get drawn into those sorts of things, but who knows? Every "flying monkey" I've ever dealt with was someone who enjoyed the drama and felt the need to insert themselves into it as much as the person who started it all but maybe that's just me.

Thank you! I am going to do that someday I just don't know when. I want to be sure it's a commitment I can keep as I have a long history of not finishing what I start. =)) In all honesty it saddens me how easily I just got distracted with all of this. We'll see if I can get my head out of the clouds.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Mon Apr 11, 2022 6:59 pm I keep hearing that well-meaning people occasionally get drawn into those sorts of things, but who knows? Every "flying monkey" I've ever dealt with was someone who enjoyed the drama and felt the need to insert themselves into it as much as the person who started it all but maybe that's just me.
I'd say you were right.
David might be able to provide clarity on this.
Perhaps the well-meaning people you are referring to have yet to recognise a subconscious driver? I don't know. I'm assuming someone with self-awareness would know the difference. But, I guess it is possible to blindly yet innocently get sucked into anything. Or. Perhaps there is an underlying need? I can't help thinking of those who have been scammed because they were looking for love, as in the Tinder Swindler situation. Or the man who married dozens of women only to use them.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

Subconscious driver yeah definitely.

I just had to come on here for this, for a quick update. Speaking of bullies, the former apartment manager was apparently fired on vacation in Florida! =)) :ymdevil: So I'm going to be a bit of a subconscious-driven bully and laugh uproariously for a few minutes at the comeuppance of someone who really had some coming. Egostical cow nearly cost me everything. The only way this could be better is if that had happened before she ruined so many lives. I guess talking to your ex is not always a bad idea. =)) And he finally moved out of there also!

The freaky thing is, apparently this happened around the time I had a dream about confronting her! Not sure I believe that all dreams are necessarily our own subconscious!
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Apr 13, 2022 10:12 pm So I'm going to be a bit of a subconscious-driven bully and laugh uproariously for a few minutes at the comeuppance of someone who really had some coming.
I wouldn't call someone a bully for laughing, unless they were laughing in someone's face. She has no idea you have posted about her.
JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Apr 13, 2022 10:12 pm Not sure I believe that all dreams are necessarily our own subconscious!
I'm intrigued. What are your thoughts on dreams?
My take is that it's the brain clearing out junk.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by JupiterTaco »

L-F wrote: Fri Apr 15, 2022 5:23 am
JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Apr 13, 2022 10:12 pm So I'm going to be a bit of a subconscious-driven bully and laugh uproariously for a few minutes at the comeuppance of someone who really had some coming.
I wouldn't call someone a bully for laughing, unless they were laughing in someone's face. She has no idea you have posted about her.
JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Apr 13, 2022 10:12 pm Not sure I believe that all dreams are necessarily our own subconscious!
I'm intrigued. What are your thoughts on dreams?
My take is that it's the brain clearing out junk.
I would happily laugh in her face. Not that it would affect her but yeah, I hate her...thankfully she's in my past and I don't have to worry about her again.

I don't know if anybody really knows what dreams are. I've heard too that they're our own thoughts, I don't know if anybody really knows. The brain is more amazing than we give it credit for I guess! I've had LOs that I barely ever if ever dreamt of; I've had people I met once or twice or barely knew whom I've dreamt of, and of course this situation with this dude I barely knew whom I dreamt of for over a month.

I've also had numerous experiences over years where I'd dream about someone and soon hear from them. I've had some where I call somebody and they'd go "I was just thinking about you!" And my mom said when I was a baby I used to hum songs that were stuck in her head. Freud supposedly documented people sharing dreams. I don't even want to think of what the CIA must know. I've wanted to do a dissertation on these sorts of things for quite some time but I guess even if I did it, there'd be no way to actually prove anything about anything, it would always remain heresay that's not able to be proved physically (to my knowledge). But I do believe based on my experiences that people, including dead people, can communicate in dreams. I think anybody who experiences it would know the difference.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Mon Apr 18, 2022 5:50 pm But I do believe based on my experiences that people, including dead people, can communicate in dreams. I think anybody who experiences it would know the difference.
I believe the same. I also believe humans think too much and a lot of thoughts aren't necessarily true or healthy (this is true for me). Thus, I feel, I need to be more felt-like, more in tune with my senses. Think less, sense more. As for dreams, I was told once to recall how I felt during the dream. The 'feeling' would give me an answer/interpretation.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Hypervigilance To Limerence; Echoes Of The Past

Post by L-F »

Awareness comes when we recognise our shadows/dark traits and decide if we want to change them. I'm not saying whether you are a bully for laughing at someone's misfortune and having no issue with doing so in their face because I'm not you. I would feel like a bully in that situation. Some may say it's comeuppance, however, I feel we influence our own karma/fate when wishing awful things upon someone else. In my previous posts, I mentioned my reactive behaviour and needing to defend myself came off as if I was bullying others who I deemed as bullies, hence no winners. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth type thing.

Will I get bullied for my opinions in the future? Probably. Do I have to react? Nope. I have always said that I wish no one harm (and genuinely meant it) but this was negated by my defensiveness and need to be right. In a 'My opinions are mine and I'm entitled to them damn it' kind of way. Right? Pigheaded I was because I didn't stop to be a little bit more curious. A little bit more empathetic. Anyway, not sharing this to make anyone feel yuck. Sharing because I believe 'like attracts like. I always asked "why does this keep happening to me?" Probably because I needed to be a bit more aware of what I was attracting.

Happy Easter! May love find us in the most beautiful ways. Love your thesis idea. I believe you've got a creative intelligent mind that can break some ceilings and create positive change. Law School, Dream Analyst, sounds bleeding interesting to me!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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